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Childhood. A fleeting memory. Like flowers, it blooms, until it withers.
Like childhood, love is also something that comes and goes. Maybe it’s the fault of the concept of love itself, or maybe it’s the fault of the parties involved. When you’re young, the world assumes you’re someone who knows nothing, and Venti hates that prejudice.
Venti, at the age of seventeen, was someone who had an unbreakable will, he was wild and young and foolish; and above all he desired to be free. Zhongli, at the age of seventeen, was someone slightly similar. He told words and never broke them, and he hurt people, and he carried a boulder of burden, and he ran away.
That was Venti, and his lover, Zhongli. Two slow dancers.
That was them at seventeen, now almost 7 years later, they grew and they were no longer children, and they were no longer free.
“How many times do I need to remind you to look for a job? Ven, I can’t bear the responsibility for the both of us forever.” Zhongli said, calmly, but every word he spat carried venom, yet the other didn’t even falter or bat an eyelash.
“I know,” Venti sat up, facing his lover’s dead eyes, tired from his 10-hour shift, “and actually I did find one.”
“Don’t tell me it’s one of those band offers again, Ven you know-” Venti winced, and made a face as if he stood on a stage and everyone was booing at him. Zhongli knew not to press any further. He knew. Because he knew the latter too much, maybe even more than he knows himself.
Venti cleared his throat, “As I was saying, I found one. It’s a nice paying job. The problem is,” there was a long pause. “-is that it’s in the States”
And there was an even longer pause.
And Zhongli thought, how easy everything would’ve been if they were younger. But time doesn’t stop for anyone, at least not for them.
“T-that’s good! It’s always been your dream to travel the world, yeah? This is a good opportunity.” Says Zhongli.
“Yeah.” His lover muttered the words, “Yeah. It’s my dream to travel the world with you.”
But he never had the courage to say those last two words.
The night before that was spent with their backs turned against each other, and as the night draws deeper, Venti reminisces, why did he have to remember, because it’ll only make it harder to let go.
It was snowing when they first met, and Venti was freezing. He has just ran away from his abusive household and he roamed the unfamiliar street with a big grin plastered in his face. He’s free, he’s free. They met in a small convenience store in the middle of nowhere, Venti remembers the time when their eyes first met.
Zhongli’s eyes were the prettiest, then and now, and they always will be the prettiest. Amidst the freezing cold of winter, as he stared into Zhongli’s eyes, Venti felt warm. Maybe it was the sudden desire to feel poetic and it was just in time he met Zhongli, or because he really had that warm fuzzy feeling when he saw the latter’s eyes. Honestly, Venti didn’t know as well.
He didn’t mean to fall. He really didn’t mean to. But that was a vulnerable time. He was seventeen, and he didn’t have a family anymore, he didn’t have anywhere to go, and Zhongli’s arms were the warmest place that winter.
The lonesome dancer found his pair, and amidst the winter they danced hand-in-hand, providing each other the warmth they both needed.
And then the rest of the night was filled with the question “where did it all begin to change?”
The next day went just like the other days, waking up early to prepare Zhongli’s coffee and bask in the light of the early morning, hoping it’ll help Venti cope. And when Zhongli went to work, he didn’t even walk him to the door, or give him a ‘goodluck kiss’ just like how he always did in the past.
When Zhongli was gone, tears started to stream down his face. God. Where did everything go wrong?
Just like that, weeks have gone by. And it was time to go.
Zhongli’s white Honda Civic was parked beside the curb in the street in front of their shared apartment. “Ready?” He asked.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
It was a quiet journey, too quiet, Venti couldn’t take it anymore and just slept.
And Zhongli tried his best to focus on the road in front of him, tried his best to prevent himself from grabbing the hands of the person sitting in his passenger seat, his. But for some reason, it felt as if miles were keeping them apart when in reality it was just a few inches.
“Ven, wake up, let’s take a break here.” Zhongli taps Venti’s face, an attempt to wake him up. The latter grumbles slightly, before opening his eyes, “Hm? Where?”
“Let’s take a break, I said.” The former said before turning his back to enter the old convenience store beside the gas station, and Venti followed suit behind him. Zhongli looked back, Venti flinched, “It’s snowing, wear your coat.”
And so he did. And he couldn’t resist the urge, “Remember when we first met it was snowing?”
A pause, “Yeah, I do remember. You were wearing practically nothing back then, after that you told me you ran away from your home.” Venti believed he heard a twinge of longing beneath the dull way his boyfriend said those words.
He chuckled, pushed his hair into the back of his ears, “Correction, house. My home is,” He made a pause, as if he was re-thinking the next few words he was going to say, like if he said those words, everything would fall apart, “it’s…. with you..”
Zhongli chuckled dryly, “Yeah. Mine too.”
And Venti wondered, where did those feelings go? Then again, perhaps it’s been too long since they laughed, since they cried, since they felt anything together. It’s probably been too long since they last saw eye to eye.
So he started crying. Like the snow, a blizzard of emotions suddenly hits him. He grasped Zhongli's arms desperately, scared that like their childhood, his lover would also disappear at any given moment. “I’m sorry, Li. I love you, I love you so much, t-tell me to not go, and I won’t go, just tell me once,” he breaks into a fit of sobs before, “and…. and I’ll stay.”
Zhongli remained still. It hurt him as well, it hurt him so much to the point he wanted to tell Venti to stay and be with him forever, and never go, but he didn’t.
And they knew they were still so tragically in love with each other.
Two slow dancers, once sharing their warmth in the midst of a snowstorm, now burning in that very same warmth they once felt safe in.
And so the ride continues, this time, Venti couldn’t even bring himself to close his eyes with the amount of tears he shed.
“Are we almost there?” Venti asks. A terrifying question, really. He knew the answer was yes and that soon they’ll part ways, but he couldn’t help himself. He was so desperate to know, maybe to shake him into the reality that they really will part.
“Yeah, almost there.”
“Do I really need to go?” There it was, the question that kept him awake for days trying to figure out the answer to.
“Yes, and you know that.” Zhongli stops at a red light.
“But what if I don’t want to?” Venti felt as if he was raised his whole life just to ask that question, like it was his only purpose, like he’ll disappear once it’s answered.
“You need to. Ven, I want you to be happy.”
“But I’m happy when I’m with you.”
A pause.
“No, not happy if we can barely afford our expenses. Ven, you don’t deserve this kind of life, you’re full of talent and dreams and the desire to be free so just…” he tries his best to not bang his head against the steering wheel, honestly, everything’s just too much to handle, Zhongli is tired. In every aspect possible.
“But I want this kind of life, Li. I want…. it’s enough if I’m with you. I don’t care if I die in the streets begging for money, as long as you’re there.” Tears started to stream down Venti’s face again, and for some reason, crying felt incredibly comforting.
“You don’t deserve that… you know that.”
“But that’s what I want.”
And Zhongli wonders if he was worthy of such love.
The cars honked behind them, the lights turned green, and they were once again engulfed in silence.
And just like that, they were at the airport.
“Zhongli, tell me not to go?”
“You need to go.”
“Just tell me not to go!” Everything poured out. Rage, loneliness, desperation, everything, but above all, the desire to stay on his lover’s side.
Venti choked out a sob, tried his best to control his breathing, “R, remember what you told me when we first moved in our apartment? That you’ll always be there for me? Why are you pushing me away, Li? I don’t get it! I don’t know where I’ll be without you!”
A pause.
“I’m sorry Ven, but I want you to be happy, I don’t want you to stay miserable by my side.”
“I’M ONLY MISERABLE WHEN I’M NOT BY YOUR SIDE” he screamed, and he didn’t care if the people outside their car heard. Zhongli’s eyes widened, this was probably the first time in their seven years of being together he’s seeing his beloved scream with so much emotion aside from pleasure and excitement.
And just like that, the miles that kept Zhongli away from his lover was suddenly minimized. So he grabbed Venti’s arms and clasped him desperately, like he’s telling him to stay without saying anything. Because, in a moment of selfishness, Zhongli still desired to be him the most, he still desired to stay as they were, with their bodies close, hands clasped together in the middle of winter, freezing but always warm inside.
“See,” Venti chuckled, “It’s that easy you dumb fuck.”
“Yeah… so, we basically wasted gas. You should call your employer.” the taller smiled, still not letting go of his lover’s embrace.
“How would I do that when you’re clinging to me like that?”
“Work it out.”
And for the first time in what felt like decades, they worked it out and laughed together.
Two slow dancers, in a burning room. But it’s okay as long as their music doesn’t stop.
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