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It comes to him at the most random of times.
They could be walking down the street on their way to the studio. Changing shoes in the school entryway. Sitting together during lunchbreak, elbows touching while they eat their yakisoba buns. All sorts of mundane situations, nothing out of the ordinary between them. And then it will come to him.
It’s a similarity that might be the trigger.
Like when Uenoyama-kun will hold onto him in the crowded metro towards Mafuyu’s place with a hand to his elbow, so as not to lose him amongst the crowd. Mafuyu will feel the warm touch of fingers wrapping around him and that element of security, of protectiveness will be so familiar. He will be transported back to times with Yuki when that clutch felt invincible. Like a string of fate. Unique to them and eternal.
It will come to him then, the need to vocalize it, to tell Uenoyama how he feels. The thoughts that disturb him.
But he can’t find the words. They might seem too harsh. Too loaded. Too gloomy.
Mafuyu searches for them, for the best way to express himself, to welcome Uenoyama-kun into the string of thoughts that haunt him.
He wants to, but he can’t because the words are not right.
The trigger might be a divergence.
Like when they reach Mafuyu’s home and Uenoyama-kun will stand awkwardly by the door, unsure of himself and his surroundings. Mafuyu will think “Oh. You should feel more at home. Yuki would be rummaging through the kitchen by now to find something to eat.”
But the words just don’t feel right. Like they would lose their true meaning the moment they leave his brain and touch his lips. So, he refrains from voicing them, yet again. He always does.
They are sitting on the floor together, doing their homework in companionable silence and Mafuyu wants to tell him everything.
Uenoyama-kun is surreptitiously looking at all of the photos that hang on his wall. Mafuyu is surreptitiously observing Uenoyama-kun’s surreptitious absorption of his past. It’s a little game of catch and Mafuyu is winning.
There are pictures of all the guys together from a couple of years back. Hiiragi and Yuki posing right in the middle, blinding, twin smiles on their faces. Shizu-chan, a little further behind, looking right into the camera, a serious expression on his face. Mafuyu a little bit to the right, looking towards something just outside the photo’s framing. Mafuyu thinks it might have been a weird bird that had appeared on his neighbor’s garden. But he doesn’t remember, anymore.
Another one picturing all of them again, but now as kids. It was Yuki’s 9th birthday party. Yuki is standing on a little stool to reach the top of the cake, high and proud and effervescent. Hiiragi is trying to poke the frosting of the cake with his finger and Shizu-chan is holding onto his wrist in admonishment. Yuki is trying to get Mafuyu to climb up there with him. Mafuyu remembers that part really well. Yuki’d said something like “Blow the candles with me! That way we can share the same wish! It’s not cheating if we do it at the same time.”
There are pictures of Mafuyu with his mom. The same wide, light brown eyes. The same quiet smiles on their faces. Mafuyu notices how much he's become more and more like her as time has passed. Probably in more ways than she would like him to.
There is a very glaring, very obvious gaping space left on his wall where a father figure should be.
Mafuyu can see all of this being registered through his boyfriend’s observant eyes. Question after question and Mafuyu wishes he could transfer all the content from him brain directly into his.
It would make things so much easier for the both of them.
But once again he has to depend on words and communication and his mouth opens but his heart closes.
He sees Uenoyama-kun shake himself off from his reverie and turn back, silently, to geography.
Mafuyu sighs.
There it goes again: the window of opportunity.
Uenoyama-kun comes back from his shower running a hand through his hair, leaving it fluffy and messy in its wake. It’s like he is trying to diffuse awkwardness by means of movement. It only serves to make Mafuyu even more blatantly aware of his nerves.
He comes into the bedroom and stands next to Mafuyu, who is currently having a staring match with his bed. They stand side by side without saying anything, Uenoyama-kun probably picking up on the discomfort Mafuyu himself is emanating.
They have never spent the night together in Mafuyu’s house before.
Uenoyama-kun’s has always been more convenient. Closer to the studio and to their school. A little less cluttered, too. Mafuyu has become quite familiar with the Uenoyama's by now. His father has a crazy collection of vinyl’s that he's welcomed Mafuyu to browse through whenever he wanted. Last time the three of them spent a good afternoon sprawled on the floor together, eyes closed as the gramophone played Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.
It was… really nice.
But Mafuyu’s mom is away for the long weekend and Kedama has to be taken care of, so here they are today. Freshly showered, fed and ready for bed. The two of them and the immensurable amount of silence that threatens to drown them in.
The last person that’d slept on this bed with him was Yuki, a million years ago.
Uenoyama-kun seems to be reaching those same conclusions right about now. Mafuyu hears Uenoyama-kun hum anxiously beside him and that’s so brave, honestly. To break the silence no matter what, to express how he feels.
God knows Mafuyu can’t do it.
“Look, I can sleep on the couch. Or, you know. Just lend me your extra pillow, the floor is fine. Here.” He grabs a pillow and starts fluffing it, looking determinedly at the movement of his hands and not anywhere else “I can just spread a blanket right here and I’m all set, see, I-”
“No” Mafuyu gently grabs his wrist, tries to soothe a bit of his flustering anxiety. Tries to interrupt this chain of events before there’s no turning back from it “No, please. I don’t want that. I want you to sleep with me in my bed tonight. Is that alright?”
Uenoyama-kun blushes from the round of his cheeks right down to the skin of his clavicles, barely peeking over the collar of his T-shirt “Fine. I-yeah. It’s fine. Alright.”
“Thank you.”
Mafuyu lets go of his wrist gently and reaches for the fluffed pillow, adjusting it so it lays just next to his own one. Without further stalling, Mafuyu climbs into bed and under the covers. He then lifts up the end of the covers for Uenoyama-kun in invitation. Uenoyama-kun spares a second to glance at the mural of photos one last time before climbing in behind him.
They sleep back to back, touching from shoulder to waist. A single point of contact.
Mafuyu on the left side of the bed. Uenoyama on the right.
It’s funny, Mafuyu thinks before closing his eyes.
Yuki was the one who always slept on the left side.
Mafuyu’s eyelids flutter open in the dead of night, and it is to Yuki’s warm, golden eyes staring right back at his.
“…Yuki.”
“Hi, beautiful.”
Mafuyu turns around slowly and yeah, he is still in bed. Uenoyama-kun is sleeping peacefully right behind him.
Yuki leans closer, rests his head on his open palm, elbow on the mattress and peeks over Mafuyu’s shoulder, following his line of vision.
“So that’s the new me.”
Mafuyu scrunches up his nose in annoyance. Uenoyama-kun is not the new anyone. He just is. And Yuki hasn’t stopped being anything. Far from it “His name is Uenoyama. I’m sure he would love to meet you.”
“Uenoyama, huh? He is quite handsome. And strong looking, too. With those broad shoulders and all. He looks like he can protect you. Can keep you safe.”
Mafuyu can’t really tell Yuki's mood from his tone, but Yuki has never said anything he didn’t mean before “He does. He tries. He is really kind.”
Yuki’s eyes fix on a point between Uenoyama-kun and Mafuyu and he takes a moment to feel for his answer, like he wants to phrase it in a way that is honest “I’m glad. I’m honestly, really glad. You deserve to be taken care of.”
Mafuyu nods solemnly, feeling the depth of the statement. It mustn’t be easy for Yuki, to admit that.
It hasn’t been easy for any of them.
When Yuki’s eyes manage to focus back on his once more, Mafuyu feels a burden being lifted from his shoulders. He is suddenly overtaken by another pressing need, and that’s the need to express himself. To tell his story. He scoffs “I take care of him too, you know? He can’t cook to save his life. Sometimes he gets so flustered with shyness he completely shuts down. It’s hilarious. But a bit worrying, too.”
Yuki snorts but smiles benignly down at him and nods his head as a sign to continue.
Mafuyu’s breath hitches. It’s Yuki alright. Just like old times. Yuki comes to him and the dam that keeps the words in seems to break and give way to words that spill and spill “Sometimes he gets lost inside his thoughts. His motivations are volatile. Sometimes he really wants something and sometimes it’s like he doesn’t remember why he wanted that to begin with.”
Yuki smiles bashfully down at his lap “Just like me, huh?”
The opposite, Mafuyu thinks “No. Not like you. Not really.” No, Yuki and Uenoyama-kun are identically opposite “When I met him, he was almost giving up on music, did you know?”
Yuki throws an evaluating look at Uenoyama-kun’s sleeping form “Oh?”
Mafuyu turns to look at Uenoyama-kun as well “Yeah. I think he was losing his joy in life a little.” He brushes a strand of lose hair falling over Uenoyama-kun's eyes and back behind his ear “And I was stuck having lost mine. I think we really met halfway there. I think…we needed each other. Still do.”
Mafuyu smiles fondly at his boyfriend’s sleeping face. He frowns in his sleep sometimes. A wrinkle in his forehead right between his eyebrows. Mafuyu loves to touch that particular strip of skin.
When he looks back at Yuki, he is staring at Mafuyu with a touch of gravity and wisdom in his eyes that Mafuyu has never before associated with him. Mafuyu knows Yuki can read him. Knows that the words that want to come out of his mouth will be met with understanding ears “Yuki” He whispers, “I love him.”
Yuki’s eyes seem to shimmer with tears, but his smile is just as warm as Mafuyu’s best recollections of it “I know you do, beautiful. I can see that. I’m….I’m happy for you. For the both of you.”
Mafuyu feels the incoming of tears. God. He’s missed Yuki so much “I want to tell him all about you. About my father, too. I want him to know all of me. Like you knew.”
Yuki hums, stretching his arms above his head for a second. “I see. It was easier with me, right? Since I was there from the beginning. Since your story and mine were always entwined.”
Mafuyu nods, tracing a finger in circles on top of the covers “He comes from a nice family. His father loves him. And I’m so pleased for him, for having come from a loving household, for not having to ever doubt his worth, I really am. But at the same time, I’m afraid…”
Yuki’s eyes zero in on him with a touch of intensity “What? Afraid of what? That he won’t love you if he sees the real you? The baggage you carry?” That seems to inflame him, in that particular way that Yuki was prone to. Creating a tropical storm in a mild weather.
“No!” Mafuyu is pretty sure Uenoyama-kun’s love runs deeper than that “No. Not that. But. That he won’t understand where I come from. Or that he doesn’t have…the right tools for it.”
Yuki deflates and seems to ponder the words for a bit “Provide them to him, then. Make him understand. I’m sure he wants to listen.”
Mafuyu sighs “You know it’s hard for me. You know that better than anyone else.”
“And I know better than anyone else how resourceful you are. You can tell any story you want.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. When have I ever lied to you?”
“Never, Yuki. Never.”
Yuki laughs, looking up at the ceiling “Damn right I didn’t. So, you should believe me on this one.”
Mafuyu nods, though it takes some effort. There are so many things he wants to make right. With Uenoyama-kun. With Yuki. With himself “I really miss you, Yuki. Everyday. There is so much I want to talk to you about.”
Yuki turns his head and looks sideways at him attentively. He listens.
“And that feeling sometimes is so strong it feels like it will take me under. Like it’s too strong for my body to contain it. Like it will wash me away if I don’t hold on tight to something.”
Yuki sustains eye contact and looks pensive. His eyes drift back to the figure sleeping soundly behind Mafuyu for a second before turning back to him with somber determination “I think…I think he looks just about strong enough for you to hold onto. And it seems- it seems he likes you enough to be willing to do just that.”
Mafuyu nods.
Yuki shrugs easily “Then…he already has all the tools that he needs. It’s up to you to work with them.”
Uenoyama-kun loves him, there’s no doubt about that. It should be enough.
Mafuyu will make sure it's enough.
“Stay with me until I fall asleep?” Mafuyu asks, eyelids getting heavy, the warmth of Uenoyama-kun’s body seeping into him.
“Just like old times?”
“Just like old times.”
Mafuyu feels when Uenoyama-kun wakes up, the little twitch in the arm he has around his waist, the unconscious nuzzling to the nape of Mafuyu's neck.
“Sleep well, Uenoyama-kun?”
“You are awake…” His voice is raspy with sleep.
“Yuki was here. But he left a while ago.”
Mafuyu can feel every muscle in Uenoyama’s body get tense in the places where they are touching. That is exactly the type of reaction that he fears. The rejection. The distrust.
Mafuyu has so much he wants to talk about. He just never seems to find a proper way to express them.
Uenoyama-kun seems to pick up on his reaction, putting a gentle hand to Mafuyu’s shoulder and guiding him to lie on his back so they can look at each other. There’s confusion in his eyes, but whatever it is he sees in Mafuyu’s expression makes his own morph into gentle concern and leaves room for nothing else.
“Do you want to talk about it? You can tell me about him, you know. I would like to get to know him better.”
Mafuyu thinks really hard about it for a second. Rakes his brain for the right words. He wants to. He needs to. Uenoyama-kun needs him to. Yuki has told him he can. And yet “I don’t know how.” He confesses with anguish.
Uenoyama searches his face carefully. There’s a pondering look in his eyes. Whatever he finds there, seems to give him some sort of idea.
He starts to move down the bed, rearranging their bodies to his liking. He ends up cuddling up to Mafuyu’s side, pillowing his head on his chest. Mafuyu merely looks down at his shiny black hair speechless. Uenoyama-kun huffs and burrows into him even further, determined in making himself comfortable and nested to Mafuyu as much as possible.
Mafuyu brings his arms slowly around his body and ends up hugging Uenoyama-kun even tighter to himself.
Uenoyama-kun seems to approve, relaxing instantly and fully melting on top of Mafuyu like his bargain paid off. Like he is exactly where he wants to be.
“Tell me a bed night story.”
“Huh?”
“A bed night story" Uenoyama-kun repeats "The wonderful adventures of Mafuyu and Yuki. Come on. I will help you. I can start: Once upon a time there was a prince named Mafuyu…”
Mafuyu laughs a startled sound.
Uenoyama-kun looks up at him with a hint of uncertainty. He is probably wondering whether he’s gone too far. Whether Mafuyu will shut down on him again. Whether the support he has to offer is incompatible to what Mafuyu needs.
Mafuyu’s eyes brim with tears, but he holds onto Uenoyama-kun’s middle really tight and doesn’t let go. It's time for his move now. To work with the tools he's been given.
He clears his throat. And starts.
“Once upon a time there was a prince named Mafuyu…”
Uenoyama-kun sustains eye contact encouragingly, his own eyes broadcasting naked, endless empathy. Mafuyu kisses his forehead, and his boyfriend closes his eyes under that ministration. Settles down more comfortably to hear what Mafuyu has to say.
Mafuyu continues.
“…and he was just like any other child in the kingdom. He played with his mother in the garden. He liked cats and caterpillars. He helped himself to cookies in the kitchen in secret. But there was something different about him. See, the little prince was burdened with a curse that an evil warlock had placed upon him. He was burdened with the curse of silence.”
Uenoyama stops breathing for a second, but Mafuyu hugs him tighter, shows him he is ok. He is ok now. He can talk about it now. He has the tools to talk about it.
Uenoyama-kun provided them to him.
“The prince knew he had a lot to say. But he couldn’t find the words to express any of it. He would look under his bed. He would look around his room. Inside his closet. He would look and look and look but he couldn’t find a single word anywhere no matter how much he searched for them.”
Uenoyama-kun sighs and places a hand to Mafuyu’s ribs, stroking the skin there through his thin shirt, back and forth in a soothing rhythm. Mafuyu rests his cheek on top of his head for a second. Breathes in the faint smell of his shampoo.
“Until the day…” Uenoyama-kun prompts in a whisper and Mafuyu nods against his hair, gathers strength to continue.
“Until the day came when the prince ventured outside to try and find a word that the warlock hadn’t hidden. He went to the forest. And there he found a knight who said he knew a place where words couldn’t be hidden. A special place that the evil warlock couldn’t reach. The knight’s name was Yuki.”
Mafuyu looks down at his boyfriend’s face, feeling a bit uncertain at this part. But Uenoyama-kun merely caresses his side soothingly. Undisturbed and attentive.
He whispers, “Keep going.” And Mafuyu loves him.
He says, “I want to hear how the story ends.” And Mafuyu finds his voice again.