Chapter Text
Neil walked into the fox tower with his bag weighing heavy on his shoulders. He thought carrying four textbooks was a bit much, but there wasn’t time to drop his books off till after practice. He opened the door to the dorm with his key, pressing Andrew's house key into his palm. It’d become a small ritual, Neil knew it was way more than a key to either of them, but neither had brought it up since Andrew gave it to him.
Dan and Matt were cuddling on the couch only semi-clothed, as Neil walked in. He waved a small hello, already heading to the bedroom. Neil sat down at his desk pouring himself into his mind-numbing homework. Even after all this time his classes still turned his brain to mush. Neil finally gave up on getting anything done, as Matt knocked on the door in greeting.
“Hey! Renee and Allison are going to hang out for a movie night, wanna join?” Matt hung onto the doorway waiting for an answer.
“As long as Renee isn’t choosing,” Neil said with a huff but glad at the excuse to close his textbooks.
“Not feeling 10 things I hate about you? Or what about the Princess bride?” Matt laughed a few seconds later Dan popped up next to him.
“Hey babe I’m going to steal some shorts,” She said, slipping past him.
“You know that’s cool, wouldn't want to offend mister ”‘I don’t swing’” Matt laughed at his own joke, as Dan found a clean pair of shorts, and leaned on Neil's desk to pull on socks.
Neil was already getting up letting Dan get dressed. His desk was a mess of papers from classes but Dan found a spot to grip. She was straightening back up when she knocked a few of them down, noticing a small case that looked rather out of place, she picked it up. It was hard, slightly foggy plastic.
Neil was talking with Matt, but he looked up just in time to see her realize what she was holding, and what was inside it.
“Neil! What the fuck is this?!” She was looking up to him with an angry, almost disgusted look.
“Dan?” Matt asked looking from her to the case and to Neil. This far away he couldn’t see what Dan saw...needles.
Neil was frozen. He knew how bad this looked, he opened his mouth to defend himself or something, but Matt was already striding across the room to look at what was in the box. It caused him to stop dead. There was a moment of heavy silence, Neil tried to think of something, anything to say. After Neil’s Entire childhood came to light the one and only thing he’d been able to hide and cover-up was his sex. Neil looked to the box going just a bit paler.
“Neil?!” Matt finally broke the silence, eyebrows knit together. It made Neil sick, he could still manage to look concerned even when they assumed Neil willingly brought drugs literally to Matt's bedside, even after knowing about his past. Matt was at Neil's side in an instant pulling up his sleeves to check his arms.
Denial and uncooperative wouldn’t look good right now, but the hot panic all over his body didn’t get the memo. “Get off me” Neil managed to snap out his breaths coming in and out shaky “Don’t touch me!” Neil was shouting and he didn’t even realize it. Dan and Matt had backed him into a corner, and he wanted to do the one thing he was good at. The one thing he’d always done. Everything in Neil’s body was screaming at him to run, but he promised himself he wouldn’t run. He promised Andrew. “I-it’s not what you think” Neil forced out
“Then tell me what it’s about! Because it looks like you’ve been shooting up 3 fucking feet from my boyfriend! Neil, you know just how hard it was for him to get clean! And after Seth?!” Dan was fuming, Neil had never seen her this mad. There was another long pause.
“I don’t do drugs” Neil finally managed, he was shaking and hard, he balled his fists so they wouldn’t notice.
Matt kept his hands off of Neil after his outburst, his voice is still laced with concern. “I get with everything you’ve gone through recently to try and cope like this just explain what’s going on”
Renee and Alison appeared in the doorway, apparently, the argument could be heard through the living space and into the hall.
“I can’t explain! They’re for my meds ok! Don’t push me on this!” Neil said defensively, walking across the room to grab the needles from Dan. She apparently hadn’t been expecting him to move, and the case changed hands. Neil needed this to not come to light, at least not now.
“Why aren’t they with Abby then?!” Dan asked clearly not as antagonistic as when this started, but still not trusting the explanation.
Neil set his jaw fists clenched, he wouldn’t let his temper get the best of him right now. The room went dead quiet. He couldn’t do this right now, he took one last deep breath. “My medical history is none of your Business” he managed in a fake calm tone.
“Can you not lie or shut us out every other second?!” Dan snapped back at Neil. Matt took her arm moving away from the doorway
“Dan take a breath we should hear him out” Matt was infuriatingly good-spirited, it was unbelievably out of character, and just added to Neil’s quiet rage. “Neil?”
“It’s for a prescription” Neil managed to spit out. He silently begged they wouldn’t press.
“Well, then what’s the prescription?” Matt asked, hoping to end this.
Neil looked up seeing a new face in the doorway, Nicky was now standing behind Allison and Renee. Apparently, the argument was loud enough to draw a crowd.
Neil changed the subject “You guys know me I’m not going to bring shit like that in the dorms especially with Matt and Arron” Neil reflexively crossed his arms over his chest, he thought he’d killed that habit when he got top surgery. “They’re not in Abby’s office because one I’m a fucking adult and second…I don’t trust anyone to keep it safe” Neil was shockingly honest. “You can ask her about the prescription if you want” Neil curled in on himself, refusing to shrink away though. His hands shook as he grabbed his phone, tossing it to Dan. “Call her, ” he said firmly.
Dan looked down at the phone before looking back up to Neil tossing it back “you either lie or tell half-truths you don’t bluff” Dan still looked tense and just a little pissed still.
“This really is none of your business“ Neil stated again, maybe to the others it sounded like he was cracking, but Neil was just affirming it.
Dan looked up to the crowd in the doorway. She realized she wasn’t going to get anything out of him. “You three get ready for movie night we’ll be out in a second”
Renee was the first to usher them away “I’ll make the popcorn” Allison didn’t put up a fight, and Nicky wasn’t planning on being here in the first place he walked away with only a few looks back.
Dan sighed once more “Neil look at me” she walked and tugged him in close by his shirt voice dropping seriously she wasn’t pissed or concerned this was where her head went during games.
Neil reluctantly met her eyes taking a deep breath as she spoke again; it didn’t help. “Is whatever the fuck this is, something I need to know about? Will it affect you on the court” Dan gestured to the case that Neil was still clutching for dear life.
“No,” Neil said with a deep breath that finally pushed some air back into his lungs. “I’m fine” Neil bit the inside of his cheek as Dan’s eyes flared, Neil tried again. “It’s not for anything life-threatening and it won’t ever interfere with my game”
Dan breathed out through her nose letting him go. “I won’t push” she started to turn to leave
Neil sighed and grabbed his coat off the back of his chair. “I’m going to skip movie night” Dan and Matt accepted this without argument as he passed them by still clutching the case.
He was lucky to get away without questioning till Nicky said from the couch “what the fuck was that about?” Renee shot him one of the dirtiest looks Neil had ever seen
“Dan freaked out over my insulin” Neil shot over his shoulder pulling the door open. Everyone knew Neil wasn’t diabetic. He disappeared into the mostly empty hallway before any more questions could be asked. He was up at the roof’s door before he even realized it.
Neil pushed it open after jiggling the handle. He was up here alone for once. It felt strange being by himself. He’d only ever gone to the roof to find Andrew. It felt too empty, and too cold without a cigarette, but he sat down on the ledge anyway. He took slow breaths, the cold burned his lungs. Neil squeezed his eyes shut tight trying to shake away the feeling of dread. It all washes over him too fast in too many images. Neil knew he wasn’t safe, he’d tried to bury his past but it was just seeping back in through the cracks. He stared out into the sun dipping low over the horizon. Neil hated just how much the idea of someone finding out what was in his pants caused him to panic.
Neil snapped his head up when he heard the door bang slightly. It was just Andrew. Neil didn’t know when he started thinking things like “just Andrew.”
Andrew didn’t say anything, already sitting down with Neil on the ledge. He took a second to look out into the night, and down at the ground several stories below, before taking out his pack of cigarettes without even looking down. He lit two and offered one.
Neil took it, just watching it burn for a second. He put his kit down between them, before saying. “Someone send you to make sure I didn’t jump?” Neil managed to tease.
“You don’t get to jump until I push you off” Andrew glanced over to Neil, but his gaze was still trained on the slowly fleeting sunlight.
“I’ll pull you down with me” Neil smiled at the oh-so-common banter, the distraction of it helping. Neither of them said anything for a long while, the silence wasn’t uncommon or uncomfortable between them.
Neil took a deep breath easing out some of the tension. “make sure your cousin knows I’m not actually diabetic”
Andrew’s blank expression only changed for a fraction of a second, as the corners of his mouth twitched up. “Sure” was all Andrew said, the silence returning.
“Thank you,” Neil said quietly, refusing to look anywhere but straight ahead. “For keeping my secret, you kept a lot of secrets”
“I’ve done more harm than good to you” Andrew’s words were bitter, both of them refusing to look at the other yet.
“That may be true” Neil didn’t offer a rebuttal, just pulling his jacket tighter around himself. “I should probably tell the team” he finally sighed.
Andrew hummed noncommittally, sparing a glance to Neil’s form in the low light.
“Coach and Abby know I’m trans, Kevin read my file, and well I showed you my scars” Neil counted off the people that knew on his fingers. “I assume Betsy knows as well, but I haven’t mentioned it.”
“Neither have I” Andrew’s bored demeanor wavered just for a second.
“Oh ok…” Neil was slightly puzzled at that
“You didn’t expect me to break my promise did you?” Andrew had promised that he wouldn’t tell anyone and apparently stayed true to it.
“No of course not, I just assumed it would come up somehow” Neil shrugged
Andrew clicked his tongue “you assume I talk about you” Andrew did in fact talk about Neil, but neither of them was willing to be completely honest tonight,
Neil huffed a bit of fondness pushing through his fake mild annoyance. “I give you enough trouble thought maybe I’d come up now and again”
“So self-centered” Andrew shot back meeting Neil’s eyes
“Always” it was practically a whisper, as they just looked at each other
“You’re staring” Andrew responded just as quite
“And you love it,” Neil said, starting to lean forward just a bit, almost asking permission.
Andrew leaned just a few inches closer “I love nothing”
“I’m nothing,” Neil said smirk tugging at his lips they’d had this conversation before
“Shut up” Andrew was already pressing his lips to Neil’s so he couldn’t respond. They weren’t feverish kisses filled with heat from the moment like usual. It was desperate, both of them wanting to be just a little bit closer to the other, Neil’s anxiety didn’t melt away but kissing Andrew was the closest thing he could get to escape. Neil would drown in these kisses before he ever ran again, and he was well aware that would soon get him killed.
Andrew pulled away too soon, he was turning around and getting off the ledge, before Neil even realized what was happening. Andrew opened the door and was about to walk through before stopping and saying. “I’ll get them to lay off you if you ask”
Neil nodded, and the roof access door banged shut. He was left all alone again, the roof felt too big for one person in the blackness of night. It was chilly, Neil waited a few more minutes before heading back inside. He walked into the dorm, apparently, the movie had ended, and everyone disbursed back to their own dorms. Neil walked to the bedroom, all the lights were flicked off except for Matt’s desk lamp, where he was sitting right now.
“Hey,” Matt said looking up from his work.
“Hey” Neil knew he wouldn’t like this conversation.
“Sorry about earlier...Dan just got scared” Matt looked about as comfortable having this conversation as Neil did.
“It’s fine I know how shitty it was for you to get clean” Neil tugged off his jacket “You can check my arms if you want”
“Dan’s right you don’t bluff. I’ll trust you on this but you gotta learn how to return that” Matt laughed with only a bit of awkwardness in his voice.
“I’ll tell all of you what this is about soon” Neil Shook his case as he set it down. He got changed in the bathroom and slipped into bed letting Matt get back to work.