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When Kurt´s Dad had been in the hospital after his heart attack, all of the Glee club members had been at Kurt´s throat for his atheism. But how could he believe honestly in a God that made him gay and then turned him away for the way he was? How could a loving heavenly father have him taunted and hit every day by his followers, for being just the way God had made him?
No. Kurt thought. Religion was never a comfort to him. If anything, it did more harm than good. Religion opposed to schools teaching proper sex ed, allowed parents to homeschool their kids with programs that refused to teach evolution, opposed having women as church leaders, had little girls mutilated in the middle east, had parent´s arranging marriages. But most of all, it had gay teenagers committing suicide, believing that their God turned his back on them and that they where an abomination.
-”You HAVE to believe in something”
-”We cannot talk like that. It is not right.”
The Glee club´s refusal to listen to him didn´t infuriate him. It just made him feel even more alone, more isolated, more misunderstood.
He knew that they were all trying to help.
Mercedes had sung to Kurt Whitney Houston´s I Look To You with Quinn and Tina as her back-up singers, and as she came to the chorus, Kurt teared up without being able to help it. The words hit him hard:
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
But he hadn´t been thinking about God. He was thinking about his dad, and the way his dad had been all that he had left after his mother died. About how his ever-present faith in the idea that as long as his father was around, nothing could harm him had been shaken in just a few minutes.
An ordinary french lesson could be abruptly interrupted and his whole world could be obliterated by that interruption. Who could have told?
Afterwards, Mercedes convinced Kurt to accompany her to church. The experience hadn´t been that unconfortable at first. He delighted in seeing the african-american community dressed up and singing their hearts out. It was a cultural statement. A manifestation of identity. And he loved it. But at one point, a woman held his hand and lifted him up to his feet. That was when the uncomfortable self-awareness came flooding him. Everybody was stealing glances at him, dedicating this song to the boy with the dying father, getting emotional, pouring their prayers out for him. The music rose up in a crescendo and he felt like crying all over again for the eleventh time in that day. His skin rose in goosebumps and his profound heart-break over his father´s critical state mingled with something else that he couldn´t quite put his finger on. But it left him raw and he knew instinctively that he was bound to go after that feeling until he found it again.
Long after his father was out of the hospital and in his way to perfect health once again, Kurt still remembered that difuse and hard to pin-down feeling that had, nonetheless, been extremely powerful.
Lying in his bed at night, after his lengthy moisturizing routine, Kurt listened to The Phanton of the Opera o Les Miserables, and he found himself shivering inspite of being warm. He slowly started to understand his feeling as some sort of desire.
Being a teenager, he was well aware of THAT certain desire that had every classmate crazy. But when he tried watching those movies, he felt like taking a shower and scrubbing off the filthy, grotesque scenes from his eyes. It was nothing to be desired, Kurt decided. It was embarrasing, ugly, crude. He didn´t ever what to imagine himself making those noises and distorting his face like that. He just wanted his hand held and his lips kissed. Was that too much to ask?
Yet, there was no denying that he felt a huge desire that he had come to realice that day at the church. Every day, school was a torture for him. He was thrown into the garbage, and it left his designer clothes stinking all day long. He got shoved into the lockers and laughed at. Miss Rachel-prissy Berry got every fricking solo in the Glee Club, with her hideous reindeer sweaters and hair-bands.
At home, he had the most precious thing to him: his relationship with his father. But even that had changed and Kurt couldn´t try denying it. His father had been accepting of him when he came out. His father had always been there to hold his hand and play with him and be his best friend as soon as Kurt could talk. But there was an enormous difference between them and it became more evident as Kurt grew older and locked himself in the basement with his sewing machine and his endless room-decor changes while his father was at the workshop getting grese in his hands and listening to Mellencamp.
At some point, Kurt had felt a heart-wrenching jealousy about his dad´s ongoing friendship with Finn. Finn was the kind of teenager that Burt could relate to. And Kurt couldn´t help but feel that Finn was the son his father would have liked him to grow up to be, even if his rational mind told him that he was being ridiculous.
And he found this void that he had just noticed, growing with every passing day. That was when he realized he had a desire that he couldn´t put into words. He lay awake dreaming about a big city like New York, only to find that, deep down, he knew that even then, he would feel completely by himself.
And he came to understand the power of religion. You could strive and dedicate your life to the aim of becoming one with something that much bigger than life and problems, and yourself. You could feel embraced, enveloped, taken completely up for everything that you were.
But there was no way in the world Kurt was ever going to be religious. Religion welcomed everyone but himself
************************************************************
Blaine was coming out of Warbler´s practice. It had been a good day. He had gotten yet another solo and he was sure he would be acing his biology test.
He got home in high spirits but as he entered the door, hoping to have someone to share the good news with, he found that he was all by himself.
His parents were nowhere to be found and they hand´t even left him a note. He tried calling into his mother´s cellphone, to tell her how he was getting good grades just as he had promised her when she let him transfer schools after being beaten unconciouss, but the call went straight to voicemail. He tried calling Cooper, in California, to tell him all about his new solo and ask for advice regarding the Warblers repertoire selection for nationals. He wanted his dad to know how he, inspite of being gay, had won first place in the boxing tournament.
Instead, he settled for calling Wes, whom he had just left at the door of biology classroom. Wes answered the call immediately:
-”Bro, good that you call, I just got into a horrible fight with my girlfriend over the phone and I don´t know what to do. Please help me out.”
Blaine´s heart skipped a bit at the opportunity to help his friend while he waited for his takeout to come over with his pizza and his soda.
But as soon as the call was over and he realized he was going to eat alone and took his big lunch with him to his childhood room which he visited only during weekends. What the hell, he thought. It had been a hard and strenuous week, he deserved to indulge himself a little.
Only when he came home did he realize that he had really no one to talk to. He only had a hundred dollars that his parents gave him every week, and he could buy everything he wanted with those, except someone who would know him, listen to him, want him, take him, swim in his unspoken depths and save him from the dark waters that where always lurking below the surface even when no one noticed it beneath his dapper, confident facade. Suddenly, the memories startes coming back:
-“He´s fourteen for God´s sake, leave him be.”
-”Yes, Pam but Cooper brought he´s first girlfriend to the house when he was thirteen, right Coop?”
-”Yes dad, but Blaine´s not like me. He´s such a little dork. It´ll take him more time to get the hang of it. Just give him a couple of years. I wouldn´t worry too much.”
-”Nonsense. He just needs a weekend of car-fixing and football watching. Getting his hands dirty will chase away the gay.”
-”You are soo drunk, Anderson. Look at yourself. You cannot even walk. You are pathetic. Disgusting. You want it, don´t you? You dirty, filthy, man whore. Come on, ask for it. You know you want it”.
Blaine shoved slice after slice into his mouth, stopping only when the pizza box was nearly empty and he was soo full he couldn´t breath. Then he looked himself in the mirror and felt like vomiting everything out. He was soo gross. His curls escaped the gel in his hair and sweat rolled down his forhead. He didn´t even think about it; immediately he changed into his sport´s clothes and tied his tennis laces. He felt burning acid coming up his esophagus but he stifled it as best as he could, scrunching his nose up in disgust.
He slammed the door as he made his way out, plugging into his ipod and turning the volume up as much as he could. He was dreadfully full but he didn´t care. He pushed himself through his discomfort to run hard inspite of the scorching sun.
He beat himself up for the nights when, instead of vocalizing, he had let himself be consumed by his teenager´s hormones and spent hour after hour surfing adult websites, dreaming about what it would be like to be touched like that, to have someone stare into your eyes like that. To have something shake you up enough to make you forget everything and make you cry out soo loud that everybody would hear you.
************************************************************
Walking down a stariway. Their eyes met for the first time.
-”Can I ask you something? I am new here? I´m Kurt Hummel”.
-”Blaine”.
Hands meeting. Never having had held hands in their lives before. Running, fueled by sparks lighting up and a sudden rush of adrenaline, through a hall with caoba floor and high, pastel ceilings. The light filtered through the painted crystal windows was a warm shade that made everybody forget the chilly atmosphere of autumn.
Suddenly, the mingling voices and cheerful riot of teenage boys resounded through the hall. Both boys ran in that direction.
The Warblers where like rockstars at Dalton. And Blaine was the lead of that particular boy group. Kurt´s heart was beating soo fast that he couldn´t hide his ear to ear grin.
-”Next time, don´t forget your jacket new kid. You´ll fit right in”.
Blaine winked at the beautiful face that was staring at him soo intently. He felt a swarm of butterflies flutter in his chest when he saw the effect he was having on the other boy.
You make me feel
Like I´m living a teenage dream,
The way you turn me on,
I can´t sleep.....
************************************************************
Blaine wanted to give Kurt a night of pure joy. It had taken them half a year to get to this point and a lot of slight kissing that got increasingly hotter as both guys came to feel that their little bodies could no longer hold in the love that they had found for each other.
Kurt had never understood the appeal of touching himself THERE when seeing a toned body in some magazine. But he was positively perlexed by the warmth that spurted from his underbelly after several minutes of gliding his lips against Blaine´s. His hips sometimes got out of control and throbbed and ached and bucked up against Blaine´s, in urgent need to find release. Then Kurt blushed profusely, backed off and started apologizing.
-”Oh my God, Blaine, I´m soo sorry, I don´t know what is wrong with me.”
Blaine just chuckled before pulling Kurt into a tight embrace with that had them breathing heavily into each other´s neck.
-”It is normal, babe, it´s called desire”.
Their sensitivity was increasing with each passing day. Tonight, they had barely kissed and Kurt had already pulled away hastily, exhaling and mumbling
-”You take my breath away.”
He proceeded to tell Blaine how proud he was of him. The words filled Blaine´s eyes inexplicably with tears and his voice was catching in his throat when he managed to answer
-”I hope so. I want you to be”.
Kurt had never seen Blaine this vulnerable nor had he heard his voice soo thick before. He felt an irresistable urge to hold Blaine, to sooth him, to touch him, to move him, to know him, to find him out. He wanted it soo bad that it hurt. No a hug wouldn´t do. Instead, Kurt offered
-”Let´s go to your house.” Blaine´s heart skipped wildly but still, he managed a calm “Okay” in reply.
Soo here they were.
Blaine kissed Kurt tentatively, awed at the oasis of alabaster skin that spread on the bed before him. He stared intently at the slender yet fleshy arms, speckled with freckles and moles that made him think of milk infused with cinamon.
Blaine nuzzled Kurt´s dainty nose, leaning in for a peck. The kiss and the proximity made him hungry. A new, unexpected kind of heat was starting to form in his underbelly. This was the first time that Kurt had let Blaine see him and touch him like this, and Blaine had been craving to do it since the first time they had ever kissed at the library in Dalton. But now that they where actually soo close, Blaine couldn´t have predicted how hard it would hit him. He was starting to feel dizzy and his heart was racing.
He leaned in for another kiss and Kurt reciprocated, starting to loosen up. This time, Blaine sucked gently and after several seconds of stimulating the nerves on Kurt´s lips, Kurt opened his mouth and slid his tounge into Blaine. Blaine welcomed him with open arms, pressing his body tight against Kurt, every inch of his skin touching skin, and the heat in his underbelly flaring up.
Their tongues carressed each other. The kiss was soft and squishy and wet and warm.
“Fuck, this is delicious” Blaine mumbled, unable to restrain the profanity any longer, wishing it would never end. He noticed that his body started making involuntary undulating movements against Kurt. It surprised him. It was as if he was moving almost by instinct, as if his body knew exactly what it needed to do to procure him pleasure.
Kurt lifted a hand to Blaine´s nape as they kissed and cupped him firmly. His other hand travelled along the back of his lover, tracing his vertebrae as if following the direction of the shudders that where touring their way through every nerve of Blaine´s body.
The energy Kurt was receiving from Blaine was hitting him like a heavy rock on his chest. He was feeling overwhelmed and slightly scared but also darkly curious about the magnetism that unabled him to separate his lips from Blaine´s and urged him to go along and rubb every inch of his lover´s spine.
Suddenly, he was accutely aware of Blaine´s hot breath and wet mouth, of his organic motions, of his hard bones and his soft flesh; he had never stopped to think before this moment how much they were a part of nature, like every other animal, practicing their own life ritual like a flower that blossoms or a tree that bares fruit. The images of the times he had seen Blaine eat and sleep flooded his mind. Blaine seemed more beautiful to him now than ever and he felt small with awe at the unexplored mystery of their bodies. He felt at last that they were part of something bigger, and that, inside Blaine´s arms, he was safe.
Blaine was ready. More than ready, he was rock hard and eager. But he made sure to handle Kurt gently. He wanted this night to be a fairytale moment for Kurt. Kurt deserved that.
Blaine wanted to undo Kurt slowly, unravel him with patience until he was panting and wanton and asking for more.
Blaine lifted himself up on his elbows and dragged his lips down to Kurt´s sharp jawline, stationing himself for a while just below the earlobe.
Kurt´s accerlerating breath gave him the hint to explore that zone further. Kurt´s eyelids fluttered and he tried to say something:
-”B...Blaine...” he trailed off. His voice was coming out several tones lower and breathy. Blaine gave a slight moan that sunk right into his skin.
-”You like this, baby?” He asked, letting the breath that came out of his articulation graze the back of Kurt´s ear. Kurt made an undiscernible noise for reply, but Blaine was thrilled when he noticed the pores at the back of Kurt´s neck rise up instantly. Without thinking, Blaine brushed his tongue over them, as if to iron them flat again, leaving his saliva trail gleaming on the arch of his lover´s neck.
Kurt´s skin was loaded with pheromones. Blaine savoured them like he savoured chocolate; warming them on his mouth until they melted and dissolved and made his mouth water. Before diving in for another bite, he let out a sigh that brushed against the wet spot on Kurt´s neck. At the windy sensation against his skin, Kurt started whimpering softly. The sound was like nothing Blaine had heard before and it made him go crazy. He had tried to picture several times how Kurt´s voice would sound like during sex and now that he had manage to elicit a myriad of whimpers from Kurt, he was completely losing it.
He dived right back in, biting Kurt´s shoulder and letting out an involuntary and very lengthy moan that took them both by surprise.
Kurt´s member rose up suddenly. They needed to free the lower part of their bodies right away.
He led Kurt to the floor and stared into Kurt´s eyes seeking confirmation as if asking “Are you sure you want this?” Kurt swallowed hard and nodded. This was it, there was no going back now.
Blaine dropped his own pants first and felt slightly nervous as Kurt inspected him with dark eyes, from head to toe, stopping a bit longer on his meaty thighs.
When Kurt signaled that it was okay, Blaine started unbottoning Kurt´s jeans, feeling thrilled at having his hands fumble pressed against Kurt´s sinewy belly.
Finally, they both were naked from head to toe.
-”Kurt, I love you soo much” Blaine whispered, visibly terrified, before taking his hand and leading him back to bed. Kurt let himself be lead, gasping for a moment to take in everythig that was happening.
They would have plenty of time for rough, dirty sex later on. Now, they had to go slowly, as the desire that was driving them dictated the rythm.
Lying on the bed, forhead against forhead, they wrapped their arms around each other and breathed in and out to still their nerves. The familiar scent of each other calmed them and the fire started to resurge. It felt like coming home.
No pain. No fear. The beauty of young flesh trembling with wave after wave of unadulterated ecstasy. Blaine decided it was easier if he bottomed this time. It would be something new for him too, but he smiled all the way through the road that took them to bed, trying to convince Kurt that he knew what he was doing, that he could be trusted. Blaine had never wanted anything soo badly.
They were, soo close to each other that Blaine´s whole skin was instantly covered in goosebumps and found himself secretly hoping that Kurt wouldn´t notice how affected he really was by the moment. He leaned in to steal a slow, deep kiss and, upon receiving Kurt´s first caress on his nape as their tounges tangled, a long string of raw moans that surged all the way down in his underbelly escaped him. Blaine was mortified and it must have shown in the way he was blushing and apologizing, because Kurt started to shush him with the sweetest and most reasuring of whispers and pet names: “Sh, sh...don´t apologize for it. It´s okay to let yourself go, B. I love you, baby, you can trust me.”
The words, the tone in which Kurt said them, and the way Kurt kept rubbing little circles on his chest, suddenly made him want to cry. Soo much for being Kurt´s own personal pornstar, Blaine thought to himself. God, what was the matter with him? He had wanted to lead Kurt through a night of bodily exploration that had him screaming his name by the end of it. Kurt didn´t have the experiences with his own body that Blaine already knew soo well, and Blaine wanted to be the one to show them to Kurt. But he had no way to predict that actual sex would be soo different from masturbation, and that his body would react soo violently in a manner that he had no way of controlling.
Blaine followed his insctinct and took delight in the whimpers he elicited from Kurt until he had shaped Kurt´s long sex into a hard and sinewy shaft that was ready to open him for the first time.
The pain at first was nearly unbearable. Blaine winced and grimaced and bit the pillows to avoid Kurt retreating back upon the horror of noticing the pain in his face. But he was awed by the sense of utter reality that hit him at that moment. It was as if he had stopped floating about immediately and was hard-anchored to the ground at last. The black and white started painting itself with actual colors too. And so, inspite of the burn and sting, Blaine pushed back against Kurt, taking all of his boyfriend´s length inside him, until Kurt was overwhelmed and panting heavily into his ear. It felt heavenly and another groan burst out of him.
Kurt seemd frozen; soo overcome by all of the heady sensations that came from being buried soo deep inside another man, that he had no idea what to do. Trying to sound seductive but coming out raspy and urgent, Blaine instructed in a half-cry “Move, please”.
Kurt started rocking slowly at first, taking his shaft out of Blaine´s hole until only the very tip of it was left inside, and then pushing gently back in without thrusting. While he did that, he also stroked the minute hairs on Blaine´s lower back, gasping out breathlessly how beautiful he found his dark-haired lover, relishing specially the sound of calling him his lover for the first time. At last.
They gave themselves completely to each other, melting into each other´s body with every touch, rolling their eyes backwards into their forheads, exhaling heavily with their mouths open and taking in with each inhale, the scent of their breaths mingling. The pain started to subside and be replaced by a warmth and a shiver that was nearly as excruciating.
Kurt started working his hips faster and harder as he got more and more turned on. Then, Blaine heard his elegant, pristine Kurt curse for the first time in his life, and it was right into his ear. A hard, dirty, nasty “motherfucker”, followed by an undiscernible wail that Blaine bet could be heard by ever neighbor and every passer-by.
Kurt couldn´t even catch himself. He had no idea what was happening with him, as all of his barrieers and inhibitions dropped and he just flowed with his instinct to procure himself and Blaine´s pleasure at all costs. Death, bullying, ambition, Glee Club, depression...none of it existed at that moment. Just him and Blaine and their tastes throbbing in his tounge, their smells floating in the air.
Seeing beautiful, impecable Kurt soo wanton and lecherous, made Blaine´s sex start dripping and throbbing like crazy and he rubbed his hips against the bed to get some relief. Just when he thought the high couldn´t get any higher, Kurt hit a new spot inside of him and, for a moment, Blaine thought he saw stars. He felt soo full with Kurt´s body and Kurt´s love that he was half-nauseauos, among the whole parade of sensations that struted their way through his belly.
Kurt tried to warn him, but it only took two thrusts more. Kurt let a gut-wrenching scream rip from his throat. It wasn´t in his usual countertenor pitch but lower, exceedingly raspy, as if his childhood had suddenly been left in the past. Then, although he was left raw from the power of his orgasm, he kept hitting the same spot inside of Blaine, knowing that Blaine was not in for much longer.
Kurt knew it was coming because of the way his limbs started to shake, more violently with each passing second. Then he noticed Blaine´s breath becoming aggitated and heavy, his chest and face become flushed, his lips becoming the most swollen they had ever been in his life. Finally, he squeezed his eyes shot and fell back against Kurt´s chest, sobbing uncontrollably.
Kurt´s stomach made a violent back-flip and all of his body edged soo close to Blaine that no space was left between them.
Kurt rode him slow but deep through his orgasm, holding him tightly in his arms, kissing his sweat-drenched brow and whispering I love you´s into his ear. Blaine´s belly shook as he hiccuped violently amidst his sobs and his eyes squeezed shut, unwilling to allow anymore tears to fall. But Kurt reassured him that he could let go around him and continued to caress every over-sensitive nerve of his post-orgasmic skin, feeling soo much love that he could have died then and there. They were fully broken, but they would always be there to hold the pieces together.
They cuddled long, as long as they both needed after the estactic experience they had just shared. Kurt smiled to himself when Blaine finally closed his eyes and his breathing became soft and rythmic.
Kurt had set him free. Blaine had set Kurt free.
Kurt had never felt anything like that anywhere, except after hearing the church choir sing with Mercedes that day.
Here it was. This was what he had been looking for his whole life.