Chapter Text
A Sooshu sad story
Pain, grief, anger, doubt, sadness. Those feelings, it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did. I could still hear the faint background music play. I felt the wind caress my cheeks, brushing my hair, drying my tears.
Or was that you?
My fingers are still mindlessly scrolling through the photo gallery on my phone. The screen was cracked. When did that happen? My face muscles twitched my mouth into an upward curve as I saw the pictures in my gallery. Your face, the ones that I’ve found comfort in looking at, your eyes, the pair that held the most love and adoration for me and me only. Your hair, the black smooth and silky strings that I enjoyed smelling, your scent had always lingered on your hair the most. Your hands, the ones that held me like I was your world. Your cheeks, the ones I’d love pinching and playing with, teasing you.
Plip plop, plip plop.
Your face blurred as I felt my fingers dampened. The background music got louder as I quietly hummed the melody. What was the melody again? Oh that's right. I quietly hummed as I urged myself to stand up. My feet felt weak, my knees seemed as if they were going to collapse and make me fall anytime, but it didn’t. I quietly sang the melody as my body swayed from side to side, in the manner that I used to dance with you.
Used to.
I could feel my heart clench every time the song restarted, I could feel myself bitterly smile as I tasted the salt that was dripping onto my lips. The ones you kissed with such affection. My hands shook as my phone dropped onto the soft carpets. Your smell engulfed me, it overwhelmed me. It soothed me. It seemed as if you were still here. This place has been so silent without you. I could still hear your voice around this place, the way it boomed and infiltrated my ears when you bickered with Yuqi, or how you always whined to make me cook you your favorites after a tiring day.
If only I had cooked more for you.
If only I could’ve said those 3 words to you more.
If only you could hear me utter those words the last time.
If only you had opened your eyes to see us again
Just one last time
I could feel my throat burn as my body turned weak. The background music was now joined with quiet sobs. It seems like I was crying. It was late December yet I didn’t feel cold. If anything I felt warmed, I felt embraced by your warmth. Maybe it was because I had worn the old green shirt you’ve loved so much. The one that I was to throw away. I’m glad you had stopped me. I could feel myself slump down next to the bed we shared, the bed that you made me feel like I was your world. The bed where I could hug you and drift to sleep quietly. Where I was reminded that you will never leave me
In the end, you did.
I clutched the bed sheets that you once laid on. I could feel your warmth, your smell, your love. I hadn’t realized that I was holding in my breath. I sighed a shaky breath as I buried myself in your pillow and wrapped myself with your blanket. Our song was still playing, I felt as if you were still singing it to me with your voice on the nights where I had doubted my skills, doubted myself,
Doubted us.
I wondered if things would’ve turned out better if you hadn’t fallen for me but had reciprocated Miyeon’s feelings instead. I wondered if I hadn’t accepted your confession, if I hadn’t been so selfish to claim you to myself, you’d still be here, smiling, arguing with Yuqi and teasing Minnie with her feelings for the oldest. I wondered if that night, I hadn’t asked you out to dinner with me, you’d still be here with me.
“Shuhua-yah”
I spoke. And it was as if you had heard, I felt you call my name back, I felt you embraced me. I felt as if you were still here, still living, still breathing. Still loving me. It was too late now, though. You left behind nothing but empty promises and “ifs” for me. Shuhua-yah, why did you do it? Why did you pull me away from that car? Why did you jump in front of me? Why did you have to go? We caught the driver that had taken away you from us, he was drunk. It was an alcoholic that took everything away from me.
He took my life away from me.
I spoke into the night, begging for someone to hear me. Begging for you to come through that door and tell me that it was all a bad nightmare, or just a mere prank to play with me. But in the end I was only responded to with the cold, winter wind, chilling my tear-covered cheeks. I wasn’t cold, maybe, just maybe, it was because you were the wind after all. I felt as if I could fall asleep again. I felt that I could sleep like how I did when you hugged me, kissing my temple as your warmth brought me comfort. But it was all talk. Because without you, I will never be able to sleep the same. Without you, I’m lost. Without you, Shuhua-yah, I’m just a body without a soul, a machine without a purpose.
Shuhua-yah, how do I love again? How do I trust again?
Because I’ve been staying up all night, telling myself that I’m alright.
That you were still here, just harder to spot than the most.
Our song still plays in the background every night like it did back then.
But this time, I’m dancing with your ghost.
END.
Dancing with your ghost -Sasha Sloan