Archive of Our Own

Kitagawa Daiichi

3:51 am

Today I thought about Tobio again. and i didn't even need a reason, He was all i could think about. The thought of him strangled my throat the whole day.

It was a typical day. I woke up late and spent all morning in rush trying to get ready. When I was about to leave, I noticed a glass of milk sitting neatly on my dining table. I drank it in one breath and didn't even know if it was okaa-san or oto-chan who put it down there for me. Neither did I care. All my morning classes went in a haze.

During recess, Kindaichi was smiling a lot more than usual for some reason and he even bought me the black sesame mochi from our canteen. and it was the rare one which Iwaizumi-san always treated us with whenever we won a match.

I got to know the reason for his cheerfulness a while later. He had finally asked out Hinami-san on a date from our class, which wasn't much of a surprise to me. He has always been an open book to me, I knew he liked her from a long time back. I hope it works out with her so I never have to hear that from him again or see him pining.

Later, we both went to the gym together for volleyball practice. Tobio was already there, standing in the corner playing with his volleyball.

The 3rd year's absence felt stronger than most days today. There was no Oikawa-san practicing serves with Iwaizumi-san and the constant voices of them teasing each other. There was no Matsukawa-san making Kindaichi practice blocks with him either.

The court felt empty, almost lonely without their presence.

But that's fine too.

Then began the unwavering guilt Kindaichi puts me through to make small conversation or at least appear a little friendlier towards Tobio. He did not say a word to me directly but i saw it in  his eyes, how he kept hesitating from asking me to help with his practice and i knew. But I still ignored him. Kindaichi sighed.

Tobio's attitude in a game and his blunt remarks made everyone in this court despise him. I knew Kindaichi agrees with that too.

He wanted us to try harder, do things the way it looked right to him and did not talk us through anything properly or make an effort to put up a snide, polite suggestion. He was straightforward, too much. It was exhausting, all of it.

Despite all that, some people care too much for their own good. In this case, it was Kindaichi.

He has always been like that, so he felt bad for Tobio. Out of all of us, he was probably the only one who pushed himself over the edge to be of help to Tobio and the one who he actually spoke to.

“you know what loneliness does to a person, kunimi? you know it so much better than me.”

His words spinned across my head like an ivy engulfed a forest endlessly, no chance to escape so you let the ivy run and the thoughts stayed too like that.

He was kinder than me, I never felt bad for Tobio like he always did.

The truth is i don't get it, i never do. Tobio isn't some kind of loner and he doesn't need anyone to pity him or befriend him. Rather, he needs people who play volleyball as passionately as he does and meet the absurd expectations he has. Unfortunately, I can't help him with that.

He is better off left in solitude. I won't feel bad for someone like him, I won't try to.

I had to go home early today and on my way over to the school exit I noticed Tobio running ahead of me.

We matched pace after a while and in his hurry, he tripped and accidentally pushed me a little. He turned to me in horror, almost, and apologized while I stood there with an empty stare. I did not say a word. I just frowned while the words faded completely from my mouth.

Tobio, already panicked, touched my arm to see if it hurt and I flinched and pushed him off. All of it happened so fast, I didn't realize it until I saw him trying to steady himself from the effect of my fingers. I would take it back if i could, i can't be harsher unwillingly too.

I know it was far even for me. but affection especially without warning scares me. These touches make me want to throw up.

Tobio gave me the worst look, he looked at me like I was something fragile that he broke. I noticed his lips trembling and him trying to make out words to say.

I ran away and left him in the chaos I got him into. It didn't feel good.

I went home to find it empty. I had anticipated that but I still gave my greetings at the door so someone could answer me.

No voice came back.

The kitchen had a note stuck on the fridge which read "Forgive me, Kunimi-kun". It meant I had to fix something for myself again.

There was no time for someone to make me food. Of course, I lazily only took an apple from the fridge and that's all I ate while laid down on my bed and thought about Tobio, his hesitant fingers and his touch still lingering on my arm.

Tobio isn't someone that special, ahe reeks of arrogance. I never understand what it's about him that keeps me up at night thinking about him. The urge to see him and talk to him often is getting hard to avoid. What is it that bounds me to think about him? To steal glances at him and worry about him when I know I shouldn't, when I pretend not to and these are all the things i would never admit. It's hard enough admitting it to myself. And writing it down.

Tobio must think of me as someone who hates him so much that it led me to do something like what i did today. But it wasn't because of him this time. He doesn't know that and I hope he never does.

Lately, My skin burns when someone touches me. Even if it's mom. I can't even stand her being affectionate with me. I can’t remember when this began but it's unbearable and it never stops.

I don't know when my hunger for warmth turned into something this fatal for my system.

My eyes remain fixated on the phone on the table but it never rings. Mom doesn't call, neither does dad.

The lack of care my parents have for me is not surprising. They don't call to ask if I ate something, if I'm home yet, or if I've been sleeping like I should. and it's suffocating. The knot in my throat keeps increasing. I almost want to cry. I clench my fists and the urge to scream is at its breaking point.

The loneliness is getting to me too. Maybe I'm like Tobio as well. I wonder if he sleeps at night crying too.

It's so late and the thought of sleep and that whole concept remains apart from me, miles away from me.

Staying up is so addicting. If I could, I might just erase sleep from being a necessity.

I have to wake up in a few hours for school. I can't afford to sleep in class so maybe I'll just try to rest even if I don't sleep.

I can't imagine someone who would answer my greetings or my calls, even far into the future. Maybe this will become a norm for me. A pen in my hand and this dampness near my eyes.

Good Night.

-Kunimi

★

10:02 pm

Taking inspiration from sofu , Miwa had advised me to write about my feelings and keep a diary. She even ordered one of those leather diaries for both of us. I don't even know what I should talk about, how is THIS going to help me? Never mind, I'll try. For her and maybe for myself too.

Ever since sofu left us, i have stopped feeling things and on some days i feel everything too much and it breaks me.

Miwa doesn't talk about it but i know how worried she gets about me. I would be too, if i was in her place. I see her rarely these days, college and then her part time job at the kiku coffeehouse leaves little time for her to relax. I do my best to help her out whenever I can and I try to mask my emotions in front of her. I can't let her see me like this.

School is the same. I never cared about being alone but it infuriates me when people think I'm begging them to notice me, or pity me. I hate the way their eyes wander before meeting mine and yet this is what everyone keeps doing.

Lately, or maybe like always, I've been finding it hard to talk to people and making friends is even harder. Maybe it's due to my habit of choosing people and analyzing them before I make a move, I loathe most of the type of people who surround me. All these people don't have any hardship and motivation and so they remain satisfied with how they are. It's not like I feel the absence of a companion. I've got all of what I need, it will never be my priority to make friends.

The thirst to make myself better in studies, or rather in volleyball is what keeps me on the edge. I plan to play volleyball on a national level someday and to enjoy it to the core of my heart. I want to someday be a better setter than Oikawa-san. I want to win and conquer this thing. I want to make my grandpa and Miwa proud to raise me the way they did. I want to meet someone better than me like my grandpa told me.

I just want that and if my attitude as a result of this determination comes off as rude or closed off, then it shouldn't matter to me.

In all the crowd full of pitiful stares, there is someone who looks at me with nothing in his eyes. And even though Kunimi has never once looked at me with the kind of stare I always get, the unique way he does is the worst.

The ignorance and faint anger he channels towards me stings more than I can explain.

Meeting my eyes is almost like a sin to him, maybe that's why he avoids it so much.

The other day, when I tripped on my way home over Kunimi, he pushed my concerned hands off like it would poison him if I came too close. If we touch.

The clear disgust in his eyes made me feel like I had stained him. He speaks to me only with his eyes, maybe if he never looked at me we wouldn't know each other, we would only be mere strangers.

But he does and I reciprocate. I keep waiting for the day his eyes turn silent and his mouth spits the words I've been longing to hear or maybe what I fear to hear.

Our eyes can see each other through the core, it's almost appalling.

A lot of my time in the gym, in between our volleyball practice, is spent searching for his eyes. Kunimi plays volleyball differently than me. He is not as obsessed with it as I am, but he can be really good only if he tries. I know he is smarter than what he shows off between plays, he can be so great if he wants. All my teammates can be.

The hesitance everyone has before approaching me, their curiosity for me never stops. I wish it would, but it never does. And I think I have stopped caring. But well that's just what i think.

I got a few pretty good tosses today. That's all I thought about on my way home. Miwa made miso soup for dinner.

She even insisted on eating together and asked me about school. I asked about her work at the coffeehouse.

It's late. I should probably sleep. I think I wrote an adequate amount. or was that a healthy amount of emotions to write about? How do you even talk about feelings, more over express them to someone? I find it hard honest being with just me. I'll never know.

-Tobio

Seijoh            Karasuno

11:22 pm

We played against Seijoh today. Today couldn't have been longer or more tiring than it was. I had worked so hard for this day to come, to be so far at this competition that I could battle Oikawa-san head to head. Finally, I had my chance to prove that I've come a long way and I can be a better setter than him.

I could smell the environment as soon as I entered the court and we practiced a little by ourselves first. Iwaizumi-san waved at me when our eyes met and I nodded back. He had always been this kind to me, probably more than I deserved.

We got a good start, most of our plays and tactics were working well, everything was going almost like we planned. Sugawara-san and Ennoshita-san kept motivating me even when I rested on the benches. I couldn't be more grateful to be their teammate.

I had stopped thinking about the first set. But the constant reminders in my head never left me. To beat Oikawa-san. Do a better serve than him, toss a better ball than him to my spikers which score points. Be better, Be stronger, Be worthier. This just circled in my mind along with the desperate want to win.

The last set was on its end and both of our teams were visibly exhausted, an edge away from winning or losing for that matter. Oikawa-san set the ball to Kunimi and he reacted quickly, ran towards the ball and spiked it through. I have never seen him run like that.

Luckily, we blocked his spike but Oikawa-san could never be prone to losing, he didn't let the ball fall and set it to Kunimi again. Kunimi ran again, this time I was surprised.

In all my years in Kitagawa Daiichi, I had never seen him react like this to volleyball. Oikawa-san brings the best out of everyone, I'll give him that.

The ball met his hands when he tried to reach for it, and he powered right through. The echo of the ball falling behind me ringed in my ears, I looked ahead across the net and I stopped. I couldn’t move.

Kunimi’s hand was still in the air when all of Seijoh crowded him. The mascots and the audience cheered for him, for the point he scored. When someone, I can't remember who turned aside, I got a clear sight of him.

Akira smiled. No, he laughed.

It wasn't the sarcastic meaningless smirk he used to give, It was a smile with his heart into it. Maybe it would sting less if it was a smirk. I've never seen Akira like this, not between a match, not at jokes or comments or teasing, not when our Sensei praised him, never.

He laughed with all his teeth, with the sweet ringing and my world fell apart from the sound of his ecstasy.

Maybe I was hurt.

My mind started to think again, the tormenting leading to agony began.

Where did I go wrong? How wasn't I enough when we were at the same side of the net? How can anyone make someone like him listen, someone like Kunimi work hard, run, struggle, react the way he did? All the things I remember asking him to do and him spewing venom in my direction.

The one who ruffled his hair, gave him the perfect toss and motivated him in a way I never could was the reason. I lost to Oikawa-san again

I can never defeat him. How can I possibly get any better than this?

Hinata came into my line of view and spoke, which ended my train of thoughts for then. I can't believe I'm admitting to this but this time his talkative mindset helped me out. But he doesn't have to know that. I wont thank him for this.

Unfortunately, we lost the match some time soon after that. I felt so guilty and my fingers, red, which burned from the impact of the ball didn't feel good. Not like it did every time.

It hurt to register what had happened and needless to say I blamed myself. I let these people who trusted me down. I even tried apologizing to Hinata but he didn’t let me finish and then Takeda-sensei found us in the middle of this argument.

Defeat never means you should give up, it is more of a motivation to keep going.

He repeated these words again and again, I don’t know how else to describe it. and I get it, I really do. In my mind, I know this isn't the end and I just need to work harder. I know, I know, I know.

But then, In the roaring heat of the sun, the dejected faces of my team and the scoreboard which read 33-30 our losing score fresh in my mind, all I wanted to do was cry. Scream. Let these tears of regret flow down my chin. Sit in that grass under the tap of cold water and let it wash this guilt out of me.

I never do what I want, I just think of channeling my emotions in reality and so I fantasized myself letting all of my anger out. It did not help and we had to leave so I did, and held back my tears.

I took a shower as soon as I came home. Miwa returned home some time soon after i did, she had two cups of hot chocolate in her hands. She knew it was an important day so she did what to cheer me up. She told me she knew we lost. She saw it on the sports site which gave frequent updates between her train ride.

“It's okay, Tobio. I know you worked hard. I know you did.” she said and then continued to watch the TV and i sat beside her. I put my head on her lap and she caressed my head with her hands. We both got lost in the show on the screen.

Then after some time, she asked me what was on my mind. This was the thing we both did when it became quiet.

I told her about the match, how good Oikawa-san played and how I felt so guilty. My mind circled back to Kunimi and his smile. I then asked her if it was normal to feel this hurt to see someone smile. If it was okay? It didn't feel that way to me honestly.

She quietly listened to me rant and rant. Then when I became quiet, Miwa finally said that maybe I wanted to be something more to Kunimi when I could. Maybe I miss him after all. Maybe all I want is to make things right with him.

And I closed my eyes. And sank into the longing I felt for the boy who makes me feel all sorts of things I never feel on my own.

I woke up a while ago from that nap and now I'm here thinking all of it again.

Maybe Miwa is right.

I can still remember his smile after all. And I know what this means. I know, I know, I know.

-Tobio

★

2:03 am

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I kept staring at my ceiling all night long, thinking and thinking. All sorts of things.

Earlier at around 5 pm, I returned home from the training camp held at Shiratorizawa.

When I entered the house, I could hear Okaa-san's voice in the kitchen. She was on call with someone.

She often stayed home from work and cooked for me on weekends. Nothing too complicated or time consuming. But even her simplest cup of tea was nothing like my failed attempts. The familiar taste of her food used to fill me with the uttermost joy.

Hence, Sundays have always been my favorite day of the week for the longest time.

The pleasant smell of the boiling broth of chashu ramen greeted me when I entered the lounge. I went straight to my room hoping to meet Okaa-san at the dining table.

But when I returned, the house was once again silent. She had probably gone to sleep. With a steaming bowl of that ramen placed neatly near an empty seat.

Anyways, I did not take my diary with me to the camp so I have to catch up to everything that happened.

It started earlier this week, on recess when I skipped practice to go take a nap in our school library.

I don't feel the need to sleep much lately. and quite unsurprisingly i had been awake that previous night as well. My thoughts never fail to keep me up. Knowing I'm alone most nights these days, The silence in my room haunts me and scares me to the core.

At school though, the chattering of people and the constant noise makes me drowsy. It blocks out my mind from thinking anything and that's the only time I voluntarily feel like sleeping. Even a little bit of rest is enough to get me through the day.

Anyways, Kindaichi woke me up and pulled me away from the secluded area at the back of the library where I was sleeping. He explained on the way that the coach was looking for me.

I got worried if I got caught again. Shit, I should have been more careful.

Thankfully, it was nothing like the possibilities I made up in that few minutes on the way. It was actually announced that Kindaichi and I were invited to this camp being held in Shiratorizawa. Hearing the news all the other players applauded for the both of us, while Kindaichi thanked all of them grinning proudly. I kept my gaze firm outside the gym door. Where the cold unnerving breeze kept making all the leaves scatter everywhere.

The urge to run away with the way of this wind made it hard to stand still on my toes.

I'm not interested in trying this hard for volleyball. But I do enjoy winning and playing to the fullest I can manage to. I decided to go by having to convince myself that it's only so that Kindaichi can feel comfortable with a familiar face around him. Yes, only that.

On the first day, I saw many familiar places among the lineup. At the end of the line, I also noticed Karasuno's #10. It was Tobio's spiker.

Kindaichi later told me he wasn't even invited and yet he still stayed as a "ball boy".

And yet for some reason he still tried to give the best he could in that. Something about him irks me a lot. His optimistic mindset tires me just when I try to think about it. I have also heard that it's rare when people are this crazy and obsessed with something. I find it hard to believe watching people like Hinata. No wonder Tobio works so well with him.

Despite my apparent dislike of him, I still felt him watching me closely. Even going as far as to make conversation with me.

Other than all that, the camp went fine. Steady. I had to train more than I was used to. It kept me busy and helped distract me so it was not all bad.

On the last day, when I was walking towards the train station along with Kindaichi we crossed Hinata on our way.

Kindaichi stopped walking when he saw Hinata. I had already inferred that he had something to say to him. I sighed, gesturing to him to hurry up and I gave him some space. I figured it must be related to volleyball only that it wasn't.

Kindaichi went on and inquired about Tobio's well being.

Hinata's eyes widened only a fraction and he quickly began to seek a reply to him when i couldn't stand quietly anymore and immediately interrupted him and turned to the rigid figure of Kindaichi.

I asked why he is still stuck on what happened in middle school.

If I didn't then it would have angered me even more, how even though Kindaichi did the best he could standing his ground that time and seemingly assured me that he was fine later, back then. But still he hasn't let go.

He hasn't let go of the sight of Tobio's back, shivering as he sat alone on the bench. Of him not daring to look up as that was what would finally break him. From that king's demeanor. As if. Of Tobio tossing in the excellent, almost perfect way he always did and all of us moving away from it from his memories.

Hinata sensed this tense atmosphere and tried reassuring Kindaichi by replying with yes, Tobio is fine. And he will be.

Kindaichi didn't speak a word and just nodded slowly. I finally broke the tension by challenging Hinata that Karasuno is gonna get defeated by us the next time we play each other.

I believed in that. Somehow I did.

We luckily got vacant seats in the train. I was busy admiring the sunset; the glass windows worked beautifully to embrace the view. The pink, orange and yellow hues spread everywhere, even glistened on the metallic surface of the train itself. Making it seem like I was somewhere heavenly like I had no worry about this world. Maybe this is the best of heaven, people like me can get to experience.

Kindaichi sat right there beside me, our shoulders touched the whole ride, but he was somewhere else entirely.

I whispered to him using the best soft tone I can manage after a while again asking if it's really that hard to let go of what happened.

From what I chose to remember, Tobio was the one at fault back then. I can't find any reason why Kindaichi has to blame himself.

He didn't reply to me for some time. I wasn't even sure if he even heard me. But then he breathed heavily like it was hard for him to get this out and began to say quietly, too quietly if you ask me. It isn't the way he talks.

“Tobio isn't the way he used to be. He has changed. I can't help but get curious. Was he always like that? If not, Where did we go wrong? How can his playstyle and the way he carries himself change so much in so little time? I know I sound selfish like I think he doesn’t deserve this, I do want him to have this. Honestly. It's just that I don't get it. He trusts them. His eyes aren't even cold anymore. They are full of the excitement he should have back then too. I have so many questions Kunimi, and no one is there to answer me.”

All of what Kindaichi said to me is still resonating deep inside my mind even though it was probably quite a few hours ago. Like it left an imprint and that's probably why I remember his words so vividly. So perfectly. Like he is still telling me all this once again.

I also remember getting the emotions of what he felt. Anger, Resentment, Maybe a little bit of hurt too. He didn't say anything of what he felt but he answered all my questions quietly too. I can read his mind so easily sometimes.

I knew I had to comfort him somehow. So I motivated him for all the upcoming matches, his studies, god, even his life achievements like finally getting to adopt the dog he wanted for months, pulling off the block he has been working for months. I complimented him on all of what he has, of what he has yet to learn. I don't remember much of what I did. I just kept repeating that he is doing well.

When my stop came, Kindaichi finally smiled and thanked me before I gave him a satisfied nod and left.

As I got off, the crowd of people engulfed me and I tried to catch my breath. Yes, I felt all of it too. The anger, The hurt. This is not good.

I hope we both never have to talk about this topic again. I hope Kindaichi lets go of the past. I don't want to talk about Tobio.

Talking about the boy I have found intriguing since I saw him for the first time years and years back in the Kitagawa Daiichi gymnasium lined up. The boy who i looked for at all the morning classes every chance i got when i was young and then gazed at him whenever i did find him, till i realized that this wasn't okay. Not good. The boy who I noticed a lot, too much, from the constant trembling of his fingers to the distant tone in the little of what he spoke. The boy who had always made my hands itch to hold his. It's not good.

I do not wish to admit this. I don't want to engulf myself back into the painful time I felt something towards him.

It hurts. Admitting this and thinking about him like he means something to me hurts.

Despite that, Tobio is always somewhere in my mind.

I can't bring myself to get him out.

-Kunimi

An abandoned bridge, somewhere in Sendai

Kunimi peered as the time on the clock turned to 7 and right at that moment, he heard the faint sound of dangling keys approaching him. That must be Kousuke-sensei on his way to let Kunimi know that he would soon be locking the library as it was time.

Before Kousuke-sensei could approach him, Kunimi got up on his own and slinged his bag on his shoulder ready to leave. He then walked noiselessly towards the exit gate.

The library was empty as usual. Other than him, the last student had left almost half an hour ago. Kunimi was the last one lounging in the library. The hall was empty too. A reminder that it was late.

When he got out of the building, he observed that the sky had turned way darker than when he had entered the library. The purple color of the sky itched to take that of the darker blue awaiting it.

He started to walk hurriedly towards the train station. At this time, he could only spot either older men and women returning from work or fancy dressed men with equally decorated women hand in hand.

The station platform was bustling with people all over. So many faces but not one of them provided any sense of familiarity. Furthermore, there were almost no people at sight who were his age or in school uniform. Kunimi felt this distinct wave of loneliness ready to come over him, but before Kunimi could start processing that, it was gone.

When his train arrived, he got in and even though there were vacant seats available, he chose not to sit down. He didn't want to feel the proximity of someone else's presence beside him. It felt wrong. He had no explanations why.

Kunimi stood at the corner of the seat and had his eyes closed the whole ride. Only the voice of the announcement of his stop woke him up and he got off. Ready to head home.

It was typical for Kunimi to stay later than he was supposed to at school, then drag his feet as slowly as he could all the way, then take the longest routes around the block to get to where he lived.

All this to avoid getting home. Not that all this struggle can erase the comfort of your own place but being alone wasn't something he liked. Not to mention, when there was company it was usually worse. It means in place of nerve wrenching silence he will be greeted by constant yelling and screaming, words that he does not wish to hear, what he shouldn't hear.

When he finally unlocked the door of his house, he spotted an extra pair of shoes and knew.

The silence would have been better.

He made as little sound as possible as he tried to walk straight to his room. Although, on his way a little opening on the curtains leading to the lounge showed him a sight he regretted wanting to peek at.

His mother stood holding a faceless man's hand and his father faced them screaming with red, blood red eyes.

Kunimi stumbled to the wall beside the curtain. He grazed his fingers tight on his lips so any voice would fail to escape his lips. He leaned on his back, his back touched the cold wall.

It really was the last straw. Of all the tension between his parents, this was the weakest of the string that was breaking minute by minute. His stomach twisted in discomfort and his fingers uncontrollably trembled. He failed to understand if it was fear or something worse which took over him. This could be the last time they are together.

Deep down, Kunimi had always been aware that this time may come sooner or later but this was too soon, too unexpected. It felt harder and harder to just stand as the screams got louder, the words became more brutal, more serious, more hurtful.

When his vision started to blur and head started to feel dizzy, that's when he knew it was enough. Kunimi decided to run away. For now.

He got out of the door as soundlessly as he came in and walked with small steps till he was out of the block and had reached the endless pavement. and then he ran.

He ran till his lungs gave out and became desperate for air to enter, till his legs became sore.

Kunimi’s mind was blank, only the ugly fear and the panic circled his mind non stop till it became unbearable to keep it anymore in his head.

Soon, he finally couldn't take it anymore, his knees gave out and that's when his steps ceased. Kunimi didn't know where he was anymore.

He knew that he was far away from the residential area. As Sendai was closer to the countryside, the residential area had ended.

The eerie quietness brought him back. There was not one vehicle running, not one person walking. Kunimi observed that he was near an abandoned bridge which was situated between all these empty areas. The bridge was old, with broken railings, full of rust.

He vaguely recalled that this was the same area which he had seen when he was younger through the window of his father’s car when they used to visit his grandparents.

As much as Kunimi tried to get himself away from silence, the more it chased after him. And never left him alone. Not at home, not in his mind, Never in the places he went to escape that.

The constant holding back of emotions busted and so he did what he wanted to do the most since for so long.

He screamed with all his might, taking all his anger with him into it.

But soon the screams turned into sobs. Awful, broken sobs. He stopped screaming. And hot tears trickled through his cheeks. He tried to steady his breath and that's when his knees collapsed.

He sat down bending his knees and he put his head between them.

Kunimi felt so cold right now, He didn't know if it was the weather or the way he felt earlier was what made him shiver badly. The air was colder than he had ever felt it to be, colder than the weather which had been forecasted earlier.

Maybe. No, surely he shivered due to the coldness he had felt in his home.

★

Kunimi had closed his eyes, probably another effort in vain to calm himself.

All he could see was blankness. A giant void of nothingness. Like there exists nothing in the world. 

Pictures formed in his mind of him coming home without any notes from mom. No shoes on the rack. No food in the fridge. 

What scared him more was that the cupboards were empty, the suitcases stored above the cupboards were gone. Any trace that there was a time someone else lived there too was erased.

Loneliness was so scary. Nothing was scarier, uglier, more awful.

There was no Okaa-san or Oto-san.

Kunimi had learnt time and again that he was all he had. No one was beside him, ahead of him, behind him.

It was all so lonely.

No one would ring the bell to his door. No one would knock.

And no one would greet him at his door either.

That's the one thing Kunimi had wished for since when he was young enough to only know about handshakes as the most common greetings people did. But the people in TV shows were different. They greeted their homes too.

Greetings were something that younger Kunimi was fascinated about.

Older one couldn't agree more. Which was heart-wrenching.

"Kunimi... Kunimi, is that you?" cold fingers abruptly shook his shoulders.

Kunimi looked up to find someone hovering over him. He wiped his tears quickly and still somehow felt the aftertaste. The figure sat down beside him. Kunimi was startled by the motion and then stilled when he recognized that someone.

Tobio?

"Are you alright?” Tobio’s expression remained unchanged. "What are you doing here this late?" He didn't remove his fingers from Kunimi's shoulders as he asked in a gentle voice.

Kunimi couldn't look him in the eyes. So he looked ahead to the never ending sky for a moment. It was lifeless, empty.

Like there was no star to be, no moon to glow.

Nothingness.

All like he imagined.

"I am..fine. I um-" Kunimi tucked the strands of hair which kept falling on his face gently behind his ear. "couldn't sleep." He tried smiling, the only thing which could make this seem any less awkward.

He never expected to meet Tobio outside of volleyball matches at this point, especially not here, not like this.

Furthermore, it was surprising that Tobio had stopped to ask him about his well being. They had never asked this of each other in the entirety of the time they had together.

Formalities like these gave nothing away. A hopeless want. Nothing but impersonal. Out of all, Tobio should know this the best.

Tobio still nodded when Kunimi told him he was fine. Like he believed him. Kunimi waited for him to say something along the lines of "Good luck Kunimi, See you again" and for him to jog away again.

Instead, Tobio leaned back and relaxed into the position in which he sat instead of getting up.

You still intrigue me after all, Tobio.

Kunimi knew Tobio would stay quiet now or maybe that was what seemed likely.

"So what are you doing here?" Tobio met his eyes again when he heard him.

"I have a habit of jogging at night, mostly to clear my head." Tobio couldn't keep eye contact for more than a second, he looked away.

Kunimi nodded.

It turned quiet after that. Neither of them talked, only watched the serenity of the lake beneath the broken edges of the bridge.

It was dark. Tranquil.

After a while, Kunimi noticed Tobio's hands covered in gloves and him in a hoodie and a cap.

It was cold after all.

Meanwhile Kunimi still had the same cardigan on which he wore to school. The same thing he had been wearing since morning.

The chill air pierced through his naked hands once more. He clenched his fists tightly in an attempt to warm himself. But it didn't help.

His fingers still shivered.

"Here.'' Tobio took out his gloves and held them out to him. "You look cold." He continued when Kunimi didn't take them from him.

Kunimi still didn't put his hands forward, Tobio then placed it on his lap. But then Kunimi, sighed and wore it, he couldn't let this kindness go to waste.

The gloves were so warm. But not warmer than Tobio's voice.

"It's pretty late Kunimi." Tobio looked at his watch then at him. "We should go home, I'll drop you off." His constant stare was discerning.

"I can't go to my-" Kunimi realised what was coming out of his mouth. "I'll go in a while. You can leave if you want to." He gave him a signal to get away.

Would you leave me here like this if I ask you to?

“It's cold, Kunimi, I know you realize that. Instead of staying here, Let's just-" Tobio bit his lips till it bled, his eyes kept moving here and there, never on Kunimi. Then he took a heavy breath in. "go to my house if you don't wanna go to yours."

Kunimi's eyes widened. He searched Tobio's face for any kind of kindness, formality, or something. All he could find was clear stubbornness.

This was too much. He turned back to look at the concrete they sat on, the blankness of it.

There came no way in his mind to deny him, how exasperating it was that this suggestion was actually what he was considering.

"Well?" Tobio's hesitant eyes brought him back.

"Is this a formality of yours?" Kunimi licked his dry lips."It's hard to think that you are actually worried."

"I would never invite someone to my home as a formality." Tobio seemed almost offended. Kunimi couldn't conjecture why.

He wanted to deny him again, but then he thought of returning back to his place, the thought of knowing everything had fallen apart and to still sleep like everything was fine.

Tobio's offer of his company was in every way better than isolation in his room.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's just me and my sister." Kunimi remembered Kindaichi telling him that Tobio and his sister lived together for quite some time now.

He almost felt sorry for bringing that up.

"Alright, I don't know how to thank you for this. I'll be in your debt."

"You don't have to thank me. This is what anyone should have done." Tobio talked like they were something they were not. 

This “anyone” he talked about was never Tobio in Kunimi’s mind.

Tobio got up and put his hand forward to him so he could get up as well.

Kunimi looked up and then held his fingers. He couldn't feel the way his fingers felt because of the gloves. But in his mind, he imagined them to be cold. Soft.

I envy anyone who has held your hand, Tobio.

He let go as soon as he got up. They both left that bridge together.

Tobio's house

Tobio walked ahead of him. He didn't look back once to check if Kunimi was following him. It was nothing but surprising that Tobio believed that he was behind him, for all he knew Kunimi could leave him on the way. He has changed in this way. He believes in people now.

They reached his home sometime soon after that. Kunimi noticed daffodils littering all through the entrance. It looked like they were taken good care of, watered daily.

This was comfortable, familiar.

Tobio took out a key from the pocket of his hoodie, a small volleyball latched onto it and unlocked the door.

"I'm home." Kunimi observed him speaking quietly.

No one answered him back.

Tobio bent down to take out two pairs of slippers for each of the two from the shoe rack.

"Miwa must be working late again today." Tobio then walked towards the lounge. Kunimi steered behind.

It was a small area but decorated with a lot of thought into it. A small grey sofa with a TV across it, pots of daffodils everywhere there could be an empty space, a bookshelf filled with all kinds of books kept inside of it, the latter wall filled with photographs and paintings.

"Take a seat." Tobio gestured to the sofa. "I'll make you some tea." he left towards the kitchen before Kunimi could refuse.

Sitting in Tobio's lounge, with the sound of him moving in the kitchen making tea for Kunimi was the most intimate he has ever been with him. or someone else. He had never spoken to Tobio since junior high, there hadn't been a situation where he could.

Those stolen glances across the net their both teams had played was the only connection they had in these 3 years.

Kunimi removed the gloves and was drumming his fingers as he waited for Tobio when he noticed a framed photograph at the side table.

The photograph was from a beach; a younger Tobio, maybe 6-7 stood holding hands with a girl taller than him who resembled his features, Miwa. The other hand he held was of an elder person. The way Tobio's eyes glistened it became obvious that the older person was someone really precious to him. Tobio was not smiling in the photograph but the way his hand wrapped around the oji-san and his eyes screamed of his happiness.

Kunimi glanced away as soon as he realised what he was enticed in. He didn't wish to learn more about Tobio. This was too much for him already.

Instead he thought of his own home which was empty of any photographs or memoirs except one hung on the corridor. It was a photo Kunimi didn't remember being taken, his eyes didn't look in the camera and neither did both of his parents'.

He felt nothing for the photo in his home unlike the way Tobio’s did.

The thud of the tray with teacups on it brought him back from his trance. Tobio gently placed a cup in front of him and sat beside him on the couch.

"You didn't have to do this." Kunimi couldn't help but remind Tobio that his kindness was not needed. Not to this extent at least.

Tobio nodded and leaned into a more comfortable position.

"I know that." Tobio had a habit of talking in puzzles which Kunimi couldn't even begin to decipher the meaning of.

Tobio handed him the cup when he didn’t and grabbed the other for himself. 

"I reached home later than usual today and found that-" Kunimi took a sip of the steaming tea. "My parents are fighting. So I thought it was best to leave them alone. It's unpleasant to find out things I don't wish to know." Kunimi gave vision to Tobio’s curious eyes.

His heart was almost in his throat, that's how bad he felt for telling someone, telling Tobio. But he had no option, giving room to silence was the worst.

"I'm sorry. You don't deserve that." Tobio softly placed his hand on Kunimi's thigh and caressed it.

Kunimi almost wanted to cry, Tobio didn’t know how badly he wanted him to hold him. If only he could cry in his arms.

"You don't have to be sorry."

In all of Kunimi's life, everyone had always apologised for the wrong things. There is no forgiveness for the hurt they have caused . Kunimi wanted to scream till the echo was permanent in their heads. Of the people who had hurt him raw.

This vicious cycle of apologies, forgiveness, guilt, pity ran in every street, every gym, every volleyball game and now a couch at Tobio's home.

"Miwa used to say that bad times seem long but pass just as quickly as the good ones, you just have to hold on and stop repressing what you feel, once you do that you are going to be alright. It's not bad to feel things." Tobio kept running his fingers through Kunimi's hand on his thigh.

Kunimi thought that maybe he wasn’t alone, maybe Tobio was here too all the time with him. He only hummed in reply. If he could reply with words he would but he didn't want to cry.

"I could never make chamomile tea as good as you." Kunimi put down his cup. "You even have my mom as competition." He caught Tobio off guard.

"I'd love to compete with her." Tobio shook his head and ruffled his own hair. "Thank you." He looked down and smiled for the first time this night.

I could never smile as pretty as you either, Tobio.

"You...we should sleep, it's pretty late." Tobio hurriedly said when he felt the gaze of Kunimi on him.

Kunimi gave a small nod.

"I'll show you where to sleep." Tobio gestured to Kunimi to follow him.

He entered the room at the end of the corridor between the lounge and the entrance. It was Tobio's room, Kunimi knew the way it was decorated it screamed the letters of his name.

He had a tatami room. There laid a futon, a side table just beside it. A desk and chair at the other end of the room. And that's it.

"I'll just lay a futon out for you." Tobio took another futon out from his cupboard at the door and began to assemble it. ”You can go fresh up till then.”

Kunimi complied and went to the bathroom. When he stared at his reflection, he almost couldn't recognise it. His eyes were slightly swollen and his whole face was puffy. He splashed cold water on his face hoping it would make him feel better and returned.

Tobio had already changed into comfortable clothes. And laid the futon just a few steps beside his own. Kunimi took off his cardigan and placed it beside his futon. and then he laid down quietly. Tobio had already been laying down.

This was too close. Too much. This was killing him, slowly but at a brisk pace.

Parts of Tobio were everywhere, from the karasuno jacket on his coat rack to the posters of volleyball on the wall, the calendar circled with match dates. He couldn't escape the constant awareness of Tobio and him accompanying his loneliness.

Tobio turned off the lamp.

The dark and quietness was overwhelming. Kunimi shut his eyes and tried his best to sleep but his attempt was in vain. His mind was disobedient, did things he regretted.

More time passed, Kunimi kept staring at nothingness and maybe Tobio was already asleep. He couldn't blame him, it was really late after all. But then he heard a yawn and distant ruffling.

"Are you awake?" Kunimi whispered.

"Yeah."

"How can a bad night end with me in your room? I never thought we would meet like this." 

Kunimi didn't regret this at all, this was the most peace he had felt in months. This felt home more than his own did.

“A coincidence, they always happen at strange times. This is how you found me, I'm grateful you did though.” Tobio replied.

The softness, the faint gratitude in his voice stinged more than Kunimi would admit.

"Why? You like this awkwardness Tobio?" Kunimi turned to his side. He could see the blue orbs of Tobio’s eyes in the moonlight from the window. Almost glistening. Almost.

"No but-” Tobio breathed out ”-wishing for its absence while you are right here isn't too bad. Don't you think so?" Kunimi heard the smile when he talked.

This made Kunimi empty of all the words and bitterness he had in him. He let out a laugh.

"Good night Kunimi. It's late."

"Night." Kunimi tried replying in the best sweet tone he had in him.

★

The sunlight filtered through the net curtains and filled the room expeditiously.

The chirping of birds and this morning light woke Kunimi from his deep somber. It was already morning.

He hadn't slept this well for months.

He turns over to find the futon beside him empty. Tobio was already awake.

Kunimi gets up, folds his futon and places it neatly on the floor. He walks towards the bathroom, his eyes struggling to be kept open.

He washes his face hurriedly, his face looks a lot better from the sleep. He felt better than he did last night too.

 When he returns to the room, he finds Tobio making his own bed carefully.

"Good morning." Kunimi too starts to help Tobio, he aligns the pillows neatly on the bed while Tobio folds the comforter.

After they are done, Kunimi picks his cardigan and wears it. "I'll leave now."

"Morning. Oh yeah." Tobio was still immersed in his thoughts, he answers puzzled.

Kunimi slides through the door and gets out and Tobio follows him, the footsteps were so quiet he didn't realize he was there until he actually saw him.

Kunimi then sits down at the genkan to wear his shoes and tie their laces. Tobio leans his head on the wall and watches him.

Like he was seeing him for the first time. Or maybe the last time. They both didn't know.

"Thank you so much for letting me stay over." Kunimi says as he stands up. He looks directly into Tobio's eyes till he can see his own reflection in his dark orbs. Tobio stares back.

Admiringly, he wanted to think. But it would hurt too much to admit it. 

"You don't know how much this meant to me. I’m grateful to you." Kunimi tried to smile for the second time in all these hours, which felt more like the years they had lost, spent together.

"You don't need to thank me, in a way you helped me too." Tobio looks away when he notices Kunimi smiling, but then he looks back.

The blooming slight redness on his cheek and his constant fingers which he kept playing with was blinding to watch.

To be the subject of his admiration was enough for Kunimi to lose his mind.

Too far. I have to go this far.

Kunimi walks towards Tobio. He keeps getting closer until the soles of their feet touch. Kunimi raises his hand and slowly touches his hair. It was softer than anything he had ever felt in the palm of his hands. Tobio tilted his head as a result.

Kunimi then runs his fingers through his hair and when Tobio looks back into his eyes with his own, which looks so fragile, almost ready to burst with tears, filled with contempt.

Kunimi kisses him close to his mouth.

Tobio stands still.

"You are kinder than you think yourself to be.” Kunimi says when he pulls back, still looking up at him, still with his cheek in his hand, cradling the boy he had fell for.

"I’m sure you are not gonna remember this, surely. But I still hope you do." Tobio's eyes take him all in, he almost soothes in his touch, he almost gets comfortable, he almost asks if this is love? I don't know what love is, how it feels like but this is the way i imagine.

But then Kunimi's fingers leave him and his scent leaves him, he stands back, once again, at a distance.

"Goodbye Tobio." Kunimi turns and maybe it's the dim lighting of the genkan , or maybe it's the fact that Kunimi doesn't turn back, he doesn't see what kind of face Tobio makes.

He leaves Tobio and his feelings, his years of longing when he leaves through the door.

Kunimi ignores the selfish part of him which still wishes to see him, he vows to bury this night deep in his mind.

I hope it was the last time I saw you this close, Tobio.

 He walks back to the same house he ran away from.

The epitome of nothingness.

★

11:26 am

Kunimi's cold hand on my face, on my neck, his fingers in my hair and the feeling of his lips on my cheek made my heart burst, of the needles I had gathered and prickled it over with again and again, all those years around it, his one touch burst all of it.

How can you fall in love with someone again and again and again?

The solace I seek in him is ever growing.

I won't ever be able to forget this night. I'll keep this hidden, locked in the treasure of my memories.

-Tobio

★

The knock on his room’s door was what woke up Tobio again. He stared at the door frustrated, too lazy to get up. The clock on the wall struck exactly 12 .

After looking somewhat presentable, he went to the kitchen and found Miwa pouring hot coffee into two cups.

Tobio sat down at the dining table. His chin in his hand, His eyes were still ready to close.

"Finally, you are awake." she put down the cup in front of him.

Tobio took a sip and let out a delighted hum.

"When did you come home last night?"

"2 in the morning i think." Miwa mixed sugar in her cup."Kuromi-san assigned me to clean the coffeehouse so I stayed back later than usual. and hence, had to wait for the last train to arrive."

"I see. I hope you are taking care..” Tobio gently patted her hand.

"Yes yes I have. Don’t worry Tobio." She chuckled at the tone of his question filled with worry.

"Also, did someone come over? I found an extra pair of shoes at the entrance when i came home." Miwa smirked. Evidently.

God.

"What the hell are you thinking? It was nothing like that." Tobio furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.”Kunimi stayed over last night.”

"Kunimi Akira? So you are this close to him now, I remember you used to talk about him so much."

"No, we are not close. It was kind of a coincidence." Tobio rambled.

"mhm?"

"I was jogging when I saw him alone and I just invited him to come over. and he agreed."

Miwa raised her eyebrows.

"That's it, really."

Miwa bobbed her head in a nod.

"Teach me your ways, Tobio. How do you get someone you like to stay with you so easily?" Miwa knew where to make fun of him.

"Stop teasing me.'' Tobio smiled and gently nudged her shoulder as he got up to put the now empty cup in the sink.

Miwa laughed lightly again.

"Finish your coffee, we have to go grocery shopping today, remember?" Tobio reminded her as he got out of the kitchen.

"Alright alright. Whatever you say." Miwa also got up and went to her room. Leaving the kitchen empty.

Kiku coffeehouse           Tokyo           Ehukai Beach bar

Tobio is 21 when he visits the coffeehouse Miwa worked in for the remainder of his high school life, for the first time in his life. It was on the outskirts of Tokyo, away from the endless crowd of tokyo.

It was a place foreign to him but he still could recognise every inch of this place by heart. The painting of a red horizon by the entrance, the corner table by the glass window where a cute girl winked at miwa, the counter of the cashier where miwa had been video calling him once, the specials board where miwa had permanently drawn a small heart.

Tobio wasn't alone, the japanese league team he had been working with; Schweiden Adlers to be specific, his teammates or rather acquaintances were there with him.

Working internationally, participating in the olympics, this popularity and reputation had led him to visit all kinds of places, coffeehouses and experience these different atmospheres.

But nothing could beat the charm of his home, of a place so familiar to him.

Ushijima and Hoshiumi sat across from him and they all put in their orders.

It was a day off for Schweiden Adlers. Ushijima had promised to treat them with coffee earlier that week so now all of them were here now, at Tobio's recommendation.

Tobio was busy taking in the cosy surroundings, the wooden interior, the aroma of the coffee and the homey feelings were enough to distract him.

He gradually noticed Hoshiumi talking loudly about something so Tobio tried to seep into this conversation.

"So Ushijima-kun? Did you really not see him kissing his boyfriend as soon as the game ended? He didn't even bat an eye to the people who watched and took pictures."

"I don't pay attention to what my teammates are upto after the match ends." Ushijima stared at the flower vase at their table, ignoring his curious eyes. "I may have already left by then." Hoshiumi rolled his eyes and turned to Tobio instead.

"Well, atleast did you Kageyama?" Hoshiumi's eyes were eager but Tobio shook his head in denial.

Truth is Tobio also must have left by then.

The waiter arrived with their order right at that moment and put down Ushijima and Tobio's americanos with Hoshiumi's iced tea.

Tobio took a sip and exhaled in delight. This cafe really lived up to its name, just like he imagined, just the way he remembered.

"Anyways, my point here is that watching them made me feel so lonely." Hoshiumi's expression changed drastically."I want to fall in love again."

"Again? Have you been in love before?" Tobio asked like he really didn't know. But he did.

He knew this question had formulated the being of the same person in both of their minds: Hinata Shoyo. He knew this from the day years and years back, the day of their match with Kamomedai high. The day Hinata collapsed in the middle of the match.

He remembers noticing a genuine face of worry in a sea of relieved faces only masked with concern across the net. He knew it was the face of someone who cared and maybe loved, dearly.

Silence is louder than words. Tobio had mastered the art of reading faces in his childhood. He was at an advantage.

He knew all that but the venom still spilled unwillingly through his tongue. Tobio does hurt people after all these years.

"Yes uh...." he swallowed. bitterly. "The first time did not work out." Hoshiumi wasn't looking at him anymore and he was only stirring his tea with a dejected face.

I never stop. I hurt right where it stings. I know that, I know.

Tobio knew it was inappropriate to say that. Hoshiumi didn't deserve to be asked, to relive a bitter memory, loving someone is not a sin. He was not at fault. Tobio tried to think of something to lighten up the mood. But his mind was blank.

Tobio was indeed always bad with words.

"Well, I hope you fall in love again, Hoshiumi and with someone better who knows your worth." The honesty in Ushijima's words did its job in breaking the tension at their table.

"Yeah Hoshiumi-san. I hope it's successful this time." Tobio added softly. He wanted to do his part in making Hoshiumi feel better.

"I hope so too." Hoshiumi gave a small smile, finally looking up.

Ushijima and Tobio nodded their heads in sync.

"I miss that feeling. Kageyama, Do you know what that feeling is? of falling in love. I long for that." Hoshiumi continued in a whiny tone

Hearing this, Tobio thought of the night he never let fade in his memories. of Kunimi kissing his cheek and the sight of him sleeping soundly in his room, beside him, so close.

"Yes. I know that feeling." he replies.

They all became quiet now.

Tobio relishes the sweet taste of the coffee and the sight behind the glass window beside their table.

People ran, walked, jogged in their busy world. At a distance, billboards lightened with neon, the trees with their branches swinging with the wind, everything moved so quickly.

He wondered where Kunimi was now. He wondered if Kunimi too still remembers the taste of tea Tobio made and the blatant concern in Tobio’s eyes.

The sky was cloudy now. Itching to rain, and for the cold season to take place. This weather was pleasant to Tobio.

Tobio wanted to fall in love again too. like Hoshiumi. Maybe, definitely. More deeply, more desperately and actually two sided this time.

But unlike Hoshiumi he wished it to be the same person. The same boy.

He wished he hadn't stood quiet, still that morning years ago, if only he would have told Kunimi an answer, he wanted to change that. In the dim lighted entrance at his home, Kunimi didn't know but he was just as in awe, just as in love with him.

But then his cowardness took the lead, and Kunimi was left behind.

★

The sun was setting, the sunlight was now evanescent. The pinkish tinge the sky was embroidering was nothing but celestial. The waves of the sea beneath the sky reflected that, and made it look so mesmerizing.

The beach bar was already with lightened with fairy lights on the account of the ending day the horizon. Kunimi sat on the corner table alone, admiring and immersed in the view with a cigarette in his hand. Nearly to its end.

The burn felt as good as it did, the first time this touched his lips.

Kurenai, the boy which he sat with in his economics class had dragged him here earlier. Kunimi doesn't remember how Kurenai convinced him to accompany him. Was there a special day today? Is it why he was here? He doesn't remember because maybe he is too drunk on the whiskey sitting at his table, or maybe he just doesn't care.

“Kunimi, in college it's almost a sin to spend Saturday night alone. Come with me, let's have some fun.”

Kurenai talked a lot, some of it came back to Kunimi when he tried to remember.

After his parents got divorced, Kunimi started to live with his father while his mother paid him a visit or two every month. Gradually, the visits stopped.

Now a call or a message was the best he expected of her. But he had grown used to it for the most part.

Kunimi moved out when he started college and now that it was his final year, academic responsibilities were things that made him agonize. He had already started interning at Mikazawa Banks.

Staying awake with little sleep was not new but induced headaches and the violent itch to make all this tiredness go away somehow. Smoking filled this void, and going to places he never would on his own, with strangers where he can lose himself was the best escape he got.

When he turned his head from the open view of the beach, he noticed a small crowd of people sitting together with the small TV open at their attention.

Kunimi took notice, when all of them turned quiet to watch it intently.

It looked like an interview of some sort. Where members of the japanese volleyball league were interviewed individually each day.

When the camera swindled from the host to the guest. Kunimi let out a gasp.

Tobio.

He looked around, everyone was focusing so much.

The sidebar read that the interviewer was asking questions about his personal life as the public were desperately curious to learn more about him.

Kunimi exhaled a puff of smoke and kept his gaze fixated on the screen.

"Kageyama-san, have you ever had a crush on someone?" The host gave a teasing smile.

Tobio widened his eyes for a moment and then he frowned.

"Yes-” he crossed his legs, shifted. “I had a crush in middle school." The crowd around Kunimi cooed at Tobio's response.

Tobio was surprisingly red.

Kunimi smiled at this interaction. He didn't imagine Tobio remembering people from that long ago and abstract concepts like crushes as well.

“Would you tell us a little about that person?” The interviewer wanted to indulge as much in this conversation as Tobio was willing to share.

“That person is precious to me.” he smiled like he always did, sheepishly and tried to hide his face with his hand..”I'm sorry, I can't share more about them," the interviewer nodded.

The loneliness that you let shield you, How did it allow you to incorporate someone in your mind, Tobio?

Even after all these years, Kunimi still thought about Tobio. Not all the time like before, but sometimes out of nowhere, he would end up missing him too.

Kunimi wanted to bury his memory, but his mind had a habit of digging up the past.

He knew that Tobio must be changed. Nothing about him could possibly be the same. He was this super star now, far far away from his reach and adulation.

He can't be the Tobio who stilled under Kunimi's gaze and shivered from his touch.

He can't be the same boy who paused after each sentence when he spoke to kunimi, contemplating every word he spoke with great precision, afraid to let out the wrong word. To break the weak string of connection between them.

Are you the same, Tobio?

Kunimi walked back to his table, he had stopped listening to the interview a while ago.He sat down and put his ending cigarette on the ashtray. and thought about the comfort of Tobio's home and softness of Tobio’s hair beneath his fingers.

The waves still moved, the dark had taken over now. The sky was blank. The wind that blew on his face was cold, comforting.

Kunimi saw his reflection on the glass window beside him, a little distinct hint of smile on his lips, he shaked his head at that jittery feeling and grabbed a new cigarette.

Nicotine jump started his brain into doing what he wanted, He wanted to stop thinking.

Ariake Arena, Tokyo.

"Is Tobio really going overseas next year?" Kunimi asked, his voice mixed with only a hint of surprise. 

"mhm" Kindaichi averted his gaze."I read his interview, it said he plans to go to Italy."

"I bet it would be so fun to watch him make a fool of himself, when he couldn't speak basic italian." Kunimi rolled his eyes, and Kindaichi chuckled.

Kimdaichi had always adored Kunimi's sense of humor.

They both sat together somewhere between the bustling audience in the court where a match between MSBY Black Jackals and Schweiden Adlers took place.

Everyone remained at the edge of their seats the whole duration of the match, the intensity of the match was rewarding. It was nearly at its end.

Hinata and Tobio among all of the familiar faces on the stage stole the show. It was exhilarating to watch them play.

After a last spike, the MSBY Black Jackalswere deemed the winner. No one cried or let out any sad sigh, Everyone was smiling or laughing which felt profound to watch and feel. This connection you build with volleyball and all these players all your life makes you devoid of disappointment in a game.

After the game ended, Kindaichi and Kunimi walked towards the exit at their own pace.

On the way, they noticed Schwedein team members signing autographs. Tobio as always caught Kunimi's eyes.

He was busy trying to spell the name of a young girl. Tobio looked the same, younger somehow. With that same haircut from junior high, toned arms and the familiar apparent frown on his face when he seemingly spelled her name wrong.

Kunimi smiled for a moment looking at the interaction and then he started to walk away, Kindaichi beside him.

"Kindaichi, Kunimi!" Both of their heads turned in sync to find Tobio looking at them directly, familiarity deep sinked into his eyes.

They both looked at each other in surprise and then at Tobio.

"Let's play volleyball together again." Tobio said loudly when he felt like they were listening.

His voice was enough to stun the young girl with his autograph in her hands along with the crowd of people around them who observed and listened to them.

Then after contemplating for a moment, Kindaichi agreed in a voice as loud as Tobio’s.

Kunimi pouted and Tobio smiled. All the people widened their eyes when they saw him smile.

His rare display of emotions never failed to amaze his admirers. Why don't you stop, Tobio?

They duo got out of the arena and Kindaichi spotted Hinata by the stalls and excused himself to talk to him.

Kunimi walked to the parking lot alone and on his way his phone buzzed.

He read the message blinking on the screen:

Hinata is taking me to the after party at 美し Nightclub. Isn't that so cool???? Come on, you should come too. He has extra tickets y'know???

Kunimi typed a “No, you guys have fun:)'' and then started to walk towards his bike.

He had recently bought a bike by saving money the previous year and it was one of the best decisions he had once in a while.

Soon, he heard muffled voices of people coming from the entrance of the lot, and he noticed it was a whole crowd of people in white jerseys; Sweden Adlers.

He ignored them and started to take out his helmet when he heard a familiar voice.

"Kunimi!!!!!!" Tobio. Tobio. Tobio.

It's always you.

He whispered something to the staff and then ran towards him at a quick pace like Kunimi would run away if he came a minute late.

"Are you going to the party? Hinata must've invited you."

"I'm not. Are you?"

Tobio’s eyes wandered for only a moment.

"I’m not as well."

"Why? Do you not wanna go there? It's a party for you after all.'' Kunimi exclaimed. "People must be waiting for your highness to arrive.'' Tobio chuckled at the name.

"I'd rather stand right here with you than go to a party filled with strangers who only know nothing other than the persona i've created." Tobio’s honesty was prominent.

Akira smiled, then nodded.

"So now, what are you doing tonight?" Tobio didn't miss a beat to ask him.

"Nothing, since Kindaichi is going to the party i'll just go home."

"So you'll be alone?” he put his finger to his chest, pointing towards himself. “like me tonight?"

"mhm."

"You know I make good tea." Tobio smiled and looked down like he was avoiding the embarrassment. "Would you like to join me?"

"Do you?" Kunimi raised his eyebrows.

"Yes."

Then,Tobio came closer and proceeded to whisper in Kunimi’s ears.

"That night was never completed in my head. So Let's continue it tonight. We have incomplete conversations to finish."

Kunimi looked him right in the eye and then nudged him.

“You make it hard for me to deny you.”

"Let's go." Tobio smiled again. He was smiling so much, it was enticing to watch him.

HOME

Akira was reminded of the chill of the night of December years ago, the dim lightning of Tobio's corridor where he crossed some of his own lines and some of his to an extent that it now takes a special place in his memory.

Time has passed, so much of it and with that Akira also has changed. He has stopped hurting the way he did and embraced the art of numbness which made things better.

Tobio isn't the same either.

He had started to open up more, not a lot but a little was more than enough. He expressed emotions in a way, Kunimi longed to observe him bathed in.

The best part about all this was Kunimi got to see Tobio smile. Akira hadn't seen Tobio smile so much from the day he met him, than he did in the past few minutes.

Right now, Tobio walked ahead and Kunimi paced behind him. Earlier, Tobio had invited him to his house in the parking lot of the Tokyo arena.

Since Tobio took the Adlers provided transport for travelling and all his teammates and staff were going to the after party occupying all the transport, no vacant ride left. Tobio was on his own. 

Kunimi suggested that they travel on his bike. His beloved Kawasaki ZX-25R . Luckily Kunimi always kept an extra helmet with him because of Kindaichi always tagging along with him.

“Akira.” Tobio ran his fingers on the leather seat of the bike, then the exterior. “This bike is so sexy.” He had probably never seen a bike before.

“Are you riding a bike for the first time?” Kunimi smirked, teasing him.

“Yeah.” Tobio said, staring into a distance, then focused on him again. “Is it bad?”

“Here.” Kunimi shook his head in denial and handed him the helmet.

Kunimi started the engine of the bike and Tobio sat behind him.

Tokyo's traffic was better than most days.They strolled through the city, and as the distance kept increasing Kunimi accelerated the speed.

At one moment, at a speed breaker Tobio held Kunimi’s waist due to the sudden jerk they experienced. 

But then, he felt fingers leaving his waist so he put his own on them to make it stop.

“It's okay.” Kunimi heard himself stay.

Tobio’s grip tightened. He whispered the directions to his home in Kunimi’s ear, leaning close.

Kunimi doesn't realise if it's Tobio or the cold breeze hitting his face that makes him shiver.

After they reached his apartment complex, they walked to the elevator together. Tobio pressed the button and Akira felt dizzy.

Everything kept happening on a whim, one moment Akira watched Tobio from a safe distance in the arena and now he stood minutes away from being a guest at Tobios home again.

We never change, you drag me with you and I never stop you, I run and run, Wherever you take me.

The ding of the elevator made him aware that they had reached Tobio’s floor. Tobio did not walk ahead this time, he waited for Akira to match his own pace with him.

Tobio unlocked the door with the same volleyball keychain dangling from the key he had observed years ago.

Tobio entered his home, switched on the light and whispered ‘im home’ like someone was there waiting for him. Kunimi thought of the possibility of a pet  but when no sound came back, he realised.

Tobio greeted an empty apartment and Akira longed all his life to hear someone greet him the same thing.

They were the same. though they stood on opposite sides of the same boat.

What's the use if no one will answer you back.

Akira hung his jacket on the coat rack beside the door and followed Tobio who was already in another room. He was in the kitchen.

Tobio finally broke the long stance of silence and quietness by looking at him first.

"Do you still like chamomile tea?" Tobio asked after he already had a kettle in his hands.

"Mhm.” Akira sat down on the spare chair with a small smile on his face.

"Alright.” Tobio scanned him, then rolled his eyes.”It is my favorite too"

Akira nodded. and observed the small kitchen. He had a diary labelled with recipes on the counter, Tobio's polaroids on the fridge, an apron hung neatly on the door.

Tobio was so intensely engaged in making the tea that he slowly hummed a song Kunimi had never heard before. So he listened.

“Every time I wish

That you would be mine

貴方のすべてが 欲しいの (i want all of you)”

Akira rested his eyes and leaned back. tThe constant racing of academic responsibilities, social life and everything disappeared from his mind. It was finally quiet.

Only the sweet voice of Tobio which paused when the lyrics ended to hum the melody filled his ears, the delicious smell of the tea, the whistle of the kettle and that he was home were the only things that existed.

He could never feel this peaceful by himself, it was eccentric.

"Akira." The music stopped and a distant hesitant voice brought him back.

He opened his eyes.

"Sorry." he nervously smiled."I closed my eyes for a moment." Akira scratched his neck.

"mhm" Tobio had a tray in his hand, he nodded. "The tea is ready"

Tobio walked towards the balcony and opened the glass door, he put the tray on the small table in the balcony.

The curtains were straightened out, pots of daffodils crowded the floor. It was all so familiar.

The night was dark, the sky was as starless as he had imagined it to be. Whenever Kunimi looked up he would always find a blank canvas in the sky, empty of any strokes.

"This brings back memories." Akira catches Tobio off guard.

They both stand side by side behind the rail of the exceptionally dark void of midnight.

"Good ones I hope." Tobio hands him the cup of tea with one in his hand already.

Akira smiles and takes a small sip.

Tobio still makes the tea that Kunimi craves all evening in his office, on late nights where he doesn't sleep and stares at the ceiling, after having a drink or two at a party, when his mother asks him "Kunimi-chan, are you doing well?" , when he remembers him kissing Tobio, it's everything he wants, it's close to something like healing.

Kunimi drinks all of what was in the cup and doesnt leave room for anything.

When both of their tea are done, Kunimi feels Tobio looking, hesitating then looking away. This cycle repeats.

So Kunimi grabs the knife, Tobio is afraid to bear the weight of.

"You brought me here for a reason, didn't you? What is it that you want to say?" Tobio stills, swallows and picks up the courage.

"I-" Tobio comes closer "wanted to say what i couldn't the day you kissed me." Tobio doesn't look away. "Do you remember what you said?"

"Yes." Akira feels the burn on his cheek. Tobio was way forward then he remembered.

“You told me to always remember that I was kind.Though i remember every part of that night, i won't agree with you. I never have.” Tobio talks slowly, one word at a time.

"How can I be kind? When I couldn't hold your hand on the bridge where you wiped your tears when my footsteps approached. When I couldn't tell you that I care about you so much to leave you crying when you asked me if it was alright to stay with me." He came even closer. Kunimi could almost feel the warmth of his breath. "When I couldn't tell you my heart broke when you smiled looking at me, that's how much I longed for it, imagined you doing that."

Tobio's hand on the rail trembles but he tightens his grip. Tobio takes the knife back with full force.

"I can never be kind. I couldn't ever tell you that I loved you for as long as I remember you saying my name. I couldn't say it then-" he raises his fingers, wipes the tears threatening to leave his eyes and gently keeps it firm on his cheek."But I'm saying it now. I have adored you for so long, I can't remember a time when I didn't. The familiarity you provide me kills me. I'm sorry, I love you. Will you please be mine? Can I be kind now?" Tobio strucks him with the knife deeply, harshly into his ribs. Blood is everywhere. Kunimi wants to cry.

"If you had asked me this, the day I stayed with you, I would've still said yes. You have always been kind." Tobio doesn't wait and kisses him softly.

Kunimi Keeps his hands on Tobio’s waist and Tobio gently takes his breath away.

He pulls back after a while with glassy eyes and red lips.

Kunimi Holds his hand and looks at Tobio who smiles whole heartedly, crinkles at his eyes and then he looks back to the sky which isn't so blank anymore.

There are two stars which exist in the same line a little far away.

Kunimi would like to think it's them mirroring the universe of life.

★

And if that is all meaningless, I want to be cured

Of a craving for something that i cannot find

And the shame of never finding it.

Can you cure me?

- T.S Elliot, The Cocktail Party