Chapter Text
1.
“The thing about dating apps,” Hoseok says, twirling an illustrative finger in the air, “is that you have to toe the very fine line between being flirty enough to show interest, and cold enough to tell them ‘you ain’t shit and I’m too smart to let you into my heart with just a couple recycled pick-up lines.’”
Namjoon snorts. “Where’d you read that from?”
Hoseok mimes pulling a zipper over his lips. “Be quiet, Namjoon, you watch too much porn for anyone to respect your dating advice.”
While Namjoon splutters, Hoseok turns back to Jungkook, mouth opening to ramble on some more, but he’s interrupted by a very loud gasp from the maknae.
“Do you think this is a catfish?” Jungkook demands, thrusting his phone in the general direction of his hyungs. Any hyung. This is an emergency, he needs advice now, pronto.
Jin peers down at the screen. “Oh, definitely. I promise you that’s some unknown celeb. He’s almost as beautiful as me.”
“Look at those eyes. That jawline.” Jimin sighs, clasping his hands in prayer. “I want him to step on me.”
Jungkook cringes and immediately goes to swipe left, because he does not want a boyfriend who Jimin wants to step on him, no thank you.
But his thumb locks up like he’s spontaneously contracted tetanus, because. Well. Jungkook is only human. And this boy, this man?? He’s the type of handsome that anyone of any race, gender, or sexuality would openly gawk at if they passed by him on the street. Not only that, he’s also pretty and alluring and sexy and—
“For fuck’s sake, just swipe right, you dinglenut,” Yoongi groans, and does it for him. Jungkook squeaks.
“But what if he’s a catfish!”
“Play him, then.”
“W-what? How?”
Yoongi doesn’t get a chance to answer because the red, sparkly “You’ve got a match” notice explodes across the screen. Jungkook chokes.
Then he gets a message from the probably-a-catfish boy, and he promptly loses five years of his life.
“HNNNGMMMGHH!” he cries at his hyungs, shaking his phone at them.
“You have to read what he wrote before asking us for help,” Hoseok advises him gently.
“Yeah, this is an exercise for you to overcome your severe introversion, remember?” Namjoon reminds him. “C’mon, Jungkook, you can do it.”
Jimin, Jin, and Yoongi don’t say anything, but that’s probably because they’re busy hovering over Jungkook’s shoulder trying to pretend like they’re not as excited as he is. With a deep breath in, then out, he opens the message.
Tae: OH MY GOD!!!
Tae: GUESS WHAT??
Jungkook has a mini heart attack. Oh god, what did he miss, what’s going on? Is there something wrong with his profile? Has he met this boy before somewhere and his mind erased all memory of him to protect Jungkook’s poor, fragile little heart from the devastating handsomeness because the guy is just that unattainable? Is there a booger stuck on Jungkook’s face in one of his profile pictures?
what...? he carefully types back.
Tae: I’VE JUST MET THE CUTEST BOY ON THIS APP!!!
Jungkook blinks. Frowns.
“Is he talking about me?” he asks his audience. “Or...do you think he’s just, like, sharing a happy discovery? It’s probably the second one, right? Hyu—” Jin smacks him on the head. “Ow! Hey!”
“Of course he’s talking about you, stupid,” their eldest rolls his eyes. “FYI, you have to reply to turn this into a conversation.”
“I know that,” Jungkook mutters under his breath, rubbing his sore head. “But I-I don’t know what to say.”
“Just say whatever,” Jimin chirps. “You’re supposed to be natural on these things. Be yourself, y’know.”
He thinks about it for a moment. What would Jeon Jungkook, infamous for his awkwardness, say to this pretty boy?
Me: 😱
There are groans and the sound of palms meeting foreheads behind him, but he resolutely ignores them.
Tae: i knowwww and he looks super wholesome!!
Me: hmm...and do we like that or nah?
“Oooh, fiesty.” Namjoon squeezes his shoulder in approval. Somehow, all five of them have gathered behind Jungkook, watching him attempt to interact like a normal human being with a very attractive person as his opponent, a feat even for those well-socialized. Good-looking people always have him stuttering like a mess, even more than he usually already does. What kind of stupid evolutionary trait is that anyway, making you look like an idiot in front of hot people? Isn’t he supposed to be better at attracting them, ‘cause from a biological standpoint it’d be great to pass down their genes? Hello? Please explain, @God.
Tae: i LOVE it!!!
Tae: i live for wholesome bois :D
Me: i see...
Tae: so r u looking for casual?
Jungkook almost throws his phone across the room.
“I knew it!” he bellows. “All the hot ones only want me for carnal pleasure!”
“Why don’t you take him up on it?” Namjoon asks, waggling his eyebrows, and Jin scoffs loudly.
“Oh please, do you think our Jungkookie would be capable of that kind of relationship?”
Namjoon snaps his mouth shut. “You’re right. Give him a firm no, Jungkook-ah.”
“Ugghhh,” he groans.
Me: no, not interested
And then, after a second of deliberation, entirely out of bitterness:
Me: bye
Tae: NOO WAIITT
Tae: i was asking cuz i DONT wanna do casual
Tae: i feel like everyone on this app only wants casual and its kinda frustrating
Tae: like last week this guy was like “u dtf” and i was like no and then he spammed me three times a day going “why not” and “good morning” and “how r u” until i blocked him
Me: ew what.......that’s annoying
Tae: ikr
Tae: so whatcha lookin for on this app :D
Jungkook sucks in a sharp breath. “What do I do?” he asks, twisting to take in the varying expressions on his best bros’ faces. “Sh-should I be honest?”
“Yeah,” Yoongi says decisively. “Might as well.”
“Okay...”
Me: uh so my friends made me sign up bc they said im a huge introvert & need to practice coming out of my shell and that having a bf might be nice so i installed like two seconds ago and i only wrote half of my profile myself bc they wrote the rest and chose all my photos for me
“Okay, I didn’t mean that honest,” Yoongi grumbles. Too late. Much helpful, very support.
Tae: o
Tae: m
Tae: g
Jungkook chews on his nails.
Tae: u r ADORABLE
Tae: JUNGKOOK
Tae: thats ur real name right, not just a username or whatever?
Jungkook is so busy combusting he can barely reply.
Me: yeah
Tae: JUNGKOOK
Tae: HNNNGGGUHHGGH
Tae: UR SOOOOO CUTE
Tae: AHHHH
Me: lol thx......i guess
Tae: i would like to apply to be ur bf
🙋♂️
Tae: plz tell me what i should do
“He thinks I’m cute,” Jungkook whispers. His face is on fire. “H-he wants to be my boyfriend.”
Jimin is literally rolling on the floor, he’s laughing that hard. Yoongi lets out a contemplative hum. Hoseok clears his throat.
“Maybe you should make sure he isn’t a catfish first,” he suggests.
“Oh.” Jungkook scratches his head. Right, he forgot about that. Oh no, if Tae turns out to be a fake, he’s going to be so heartbroken, he already knows. “How, though?”
“Ask him for a video call.”
“O-okay.”
Me: do you have time for a quick vid call...?
Tae: gasp
Tae: jungkook-ssiiiii u wanna vid call with me???
Tae: thats surprisingly forward of u 👀
“Oh no, he thinks I want to have FaceTime sex with him!” Jungkook screeches. Jin smacks him on the head again.
“That is not what he meant!”
Me: NO my friends think ur a catfish thats why
“Wow, Kook,” Yoongi deadpans.
“I couldn’t let him think I wanted FaceTime sex within five minutes of meeting him!!”
“Oh my god.”
Tae: ?? im not a catfish tho :O
Tae: but sure lets vid call?
“OH MY GOD, HE SAID YES!!” Jungkook thinks he might be hyperventilating. “That means he’s real, right?”
Namjoon huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “Probably, yeah, unless he’s one of those pro scammers that use video filters.” Jungkook deflates. “Tell him to move really fast. Like this.” Namjoon jerks his body from left to right repeatedly, like a metronome on drugs. “A filter wouldn’t be able to follow that.”
“I can’t ask him to do that,” Jungkook splutters. He jolts when his phone begins vibrating in his hands. It’s a video call request from the dating app. “Oh god! What do I—hhh—guys, you have to hide, I can’t let him know you’re all here judging him!”
The hyungs begrudgingly disperse around the living room. They’re in Jungkook and Yoongi’s shared apartment, unfolded laundry strewn over one half of the couch that he was in the middle of folding when everyone decided to come ambush him.
He climbs up on the clean end of the sofa and runs a frantic hand through his short, dark hair. “Do I look okay?” he hisses. Jimin and Hoseok give him a thumb’s-up each. He takes a deep breath and accepts the invitation.
When Tae’s face suddenly fills the screen with no warning whatsoever, Jungkook literally reels back because holy cannoli the guy is gorgeous. A bit pixelly but that doesn’t take anything away from his Greek-god nose and sharp eyes and heart-shaped mouth. He’s got sandy blond hair just like in his photos but unstyled now, brushing his eyelashes and revealing glimpses of his strong brows. His jawline could, and this is proven by science, slice Jungkook to itsy bitsy pieces.
“Hi, Jungkook,” he says. Jungkook’s pathetic little heart literally stops in his chest. That voice. How can it be described other than hnngg? It reverberated all the way down to his toes, it was that deep.
“Hi,” he mumbles, biting his bottom lip. “Uh. Is your—you’re called Tae?”
Tae beams. Jesus H. Christ. Everything intimidating about him vanishes when he smiles, he is a stuffed animal personified. Jungkook can’t stop staring at the mole on the tip of his (again, Greek-god) nose. “Yeah! Taehyung, actually, but you can call me whatever you want.”
“Oh, uh, you’re older, so...T-Taehyungie-hyung?”
Taehyung looks like he absolutely melts at that, and the way he coos at Jungkook makes his face blaze like a forest fire. “Sure, yeah, that works!”
“O-okay.”
“So...” A slow smirk stretches over Taehyung’s mouth, and oh boy, Jungkook already knows he’s screwed. Scratch whatever he said about Taehyung being a stuffed animal, he’s totally lethal, he’s, like, machine-gun lethal. Jungkook’s seen this type, the boys who lean in and whisper in your ear with their deep, dark voices just to tease, the type that you can’t ever say “I miss you” to because they’d reply with, “Yeah? You miss me? How bad?”
Jungkook’s so weak.
When Taehyung looks at him expectantly, he realizes the elder must have asked him something while he was freaking out. “Huh?”
“I said, does this prove that I’m not a catfish?”
“Oh.” In front of him on the opposite couch, Namjoon does his metronome dance again, and Jungkook closes his eyes, steeling himself for the mortification. “Can you, like, do this?” He copies the dance.
Instead of gawking or immediately hanging up or asking Jungkook if he was dropped on the head as a child, Taehyung breaks out in a huge smile.
“You mean like this?” he asks.
And then he actually does it.
The most inelegant, squawking laughter bursts out of Jungkook, and he smacks at his thigh, doubling over.
“Oh my god,” he cries, near tears. “I can’t belie—HAHAHA!” He laughs so hard that he has to put the phone down for a second to collect himself.
When he picks it back up again, Taehyung is still smiling, his chin propped in his hand.
Jungkook is winded. “Holy smokes,” he breathes. “That means you’re real.”
Taehyung’s smile widens into the biggest grin, showing off twin rows of perfect teeth. “Why, is that really so unbelievable?”
“I mean...” Jungkook trails off, and Taehyung laughs, his eyes squinting into crescents.
“You’re cute, Jungkook-ah,” he says. Jungkook blushes.
“Y-you too.”