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“There’s nothing special about me. Nothin’ to see, nothin’ to say.”
Nero covered his eyes with his arm, laying it over his face carelessly once his back hit his sheets. Drinking one too many glasses of wine had left him feeling too hot to handle wearing his normal uniform, & forced him to strip into his undershirt and the nearest pair of shorts he could find that were still clean. The pinot noir was left alone on his nightstand, and Faust sat on the edge of his Nero’s bed, watching the rise and fall of his chest every time they went quiet.
“What makes you say that?” Faust liked to ask him questions even though he probably knew the answer. They’d gotten closer than what Easterners were normally comfortable with. It’s only natural, when you have so many late night chats together.
He’d gotten to know Nero. Him, and all of the things he hated about himself. All of the things Faust loved about him in return... although ‘love’ was a bit too strong in word choice for his own liking.
Nero peeked out from under his arm at him. “I’m the kind of guy that promises one thing, then gets cold feet and disappears to god knows where for the next thirty years. I’d probably run away from the altar on the day of my wedding... not that I’m ever gonna have one. Does that sound like the kinda thing people would be into?”
Faust spoke while he kicked off his boots & socks. “I think you’re selling yourself a little short.”
“I could say the same for you, teach.” Nero retorts, watching as Faust cocks an eyebrow at him in questioning, but never opens his mouth to say anything else.
The quiet with each gap in their conversations is surprisingly comfortable for them.
Nero sat up to rest his back against his headboard, letting his legs sit crisscross with his hands in his lap.
“...Faust, have you ever loved someone?”
“Love is a strong word..”
“I mean it like,” Nero grumbled to himself with an ‘ah shit’ while scratching his head, “have you ever been the type to tell people you love them? To spend so much time with someone you think it wouldn’t be so bad if you just never left each other’s side? That kinda thing.”
Faust could see a person or two flashing back through his memories. Someone with white hair and strong blue eyes, a striking sense of leadership he couldn’t take his eyes off of. Another with that dreaded blue hair and half-hearted smile, he’d always let the sweetest words leave his lips, but Faust was never sure if they were true.
People come and go. Forget it all, and don’t dwell. Easterners will always be left by themselves in the end.
Nero was surprised to hear Faust say “I have. A few times, actually. But it never ended well, and these days, I’m not quite sure if that dream is right for me. Have you ever had somebody like that?”
Of course he had. Bradley was all Nero would see when he thought about a shot at love— or, when he had some kind of a shot. But what they had wasn’t a fairy tale. There’s nothing dreamlike about taking care of someone every week like clockwork, scared out of your mind that they’re going to die.
“Me? I’ve never told someone I love them like that before.”
“Is that so?” Faust only pressed further because he knew of what happened years ago in the North.
“Yeah. I just can’t do it. I hate it the most when people say it to me. It scares the hell out of me, makes me think I’m gonna chicken out just like the last time and I’ll lose them soon out of my own fault. Reminds me of everythin’ that went through my head that first time I ran away from someone I could’ve said it to. He still says it to me like it’s nothing, in his head I’m still his best buddy, but I can never look at him straight when he does it.”
It looks like Nero doesn’t want to say anything more, instead opting to pop the cap off the booze on his nightstand and take another swig of it.
Faust sighs under his breath. “I can’t say I’ve always been the same... I used to say it plenty. Not so much anymore, obviously. Love is a dangerous topic, especially when unrequited. I think people believe in it too wholeheartedly, never thinking with their heads and only with the faith they have in whatever they have going for them. All action and no consideration of consequences. I did the same, but it burnt me where it hurt, and I haven’t said it since. Though sometimes I do still find myself wishing I could have something that’d make me believe in all of it again, although that’s just the price of being a wizard. We’re the loneliest bunch of them all so it’s only natural we want more. I suppose it also makes us hurt more. Everyone takes that differently, blessing or curse, personally I’ve taken it and mostly sided against it.”
“But you’re not completely against it? Even after all the crap you’ve been through?” Nero said with a bit of disbelief laced in his voice.
“I think it’d make me sad to denounce my chances of ever loving again. I’m sure the same goes for you. I know that you know... you can’t take your one experience and run with it forever.”
Nero’s face softened, moving a hand over to pat the empty spot next to him. He silently called Faust to share the warmth with him while they could, since they were on such a sentimental topic.
Faust shimmied over, drunkenly resting his weight on Nero’s side while Nero wrapped his arm around his shoulder.
“You know Faust, you’re pretty damn wise when you drink.”
Faust stifled his laughter. “I’m always wise. I’m a teacher, after all.”
Nero smiled, not caring if Faust looked at him in that moment or not. It felt comfortable enough to be raw with him like this.
“You’re pretty strong, teach.”
“Don’t try to flatter me just because we’re talking about love and loss, Nero.” Faust teased. He let his playful side slip a bit more around Nero.
“No really, I mean it! Aw man...” Nero pinched his nose with his free hand when he felt Faust’s shoulders shaking from giggling at him. “I just think it’s cool that you can still have that kinda dream for yourself. Still have hope for yourself that maybe you’ll find something good if you go on long enough. I mean, I try to think the same way, but it’s hard to think I’ll ever amount to anything good. Alone or with someone else. Just in general, I guess.”
“I’m definitely not as good as you think I am.” Faust tilted his head from Nero’s shoulder to look at him closer. “And you’re selling yourself short again, you know. You have that habit.”
“Don’t talk about it like you don’t do the same thing, Faust..” Nero met Faust’s eyes.
They stared for only half a second, before falling into a tipsy fit of laughter. Their backs both hit the bed and they laid together, entangling their arms & legs without caring too much.
Nero couldn’t help but continue. “So does that make us the same, or are we just more different? You know since, I’m the guy that betrayed someone, and you’re the guy that was betrayed by someone else.”
“Great choice of words Nero. A+ on your essay for that, really.” Faust was only kidding, and he knew it. “To be honest, I don’t know.”
They both stared into the distance rather than each other, even now, with Faust practically laying in Nero’s arms.
“Maybe it doesn’t matter then.” Nero whispered into Faust’s hair.
“You’re right. It doesn’t.” Faust’s arms held onto Nero’s back a bit tighter than before.
One more beat of silence followed, accompanied by the soft whirring of Nero’s ceiling fan.
“...Nero?” Faust felt the need to say something more.
“Faust...” Nero answered awkwardly.
“Earlier, you know, you said that there’s nothing special to you. Nothing to see or to love, and all.”
“I was just sayin’ my feelings. What about it...”
“I think your feelings are wrong.”
Nero pulled him apart from his chest for a second to look at him. “The hell does that mean?! Going all ‘your feelings are wrong’ my feelings are my feelings!”
Faust always tries not to laugh when Nero gets worked up. He’s so quick to set off, it’s a bit too fun to pick on him. It’s a little cruel, but Faust can’t help himself.
“Well if you ask me, I think it means I’m trying to say that you’re at least special enough to me, if that makes sense?”
“What are you on about...”
“You said that you think I’m strong & admirable and all those glamorous things, but don’t think so when it comes to yourself. It doesn’t sound right to me. You’re good enough with handling people to have your own restaurant, for christ’s sake! I barely have to leave you notes when I grade your work & I never have to tell you something more than twice when we do something hands-on. You’re a hard worker, yet you blame yourself as if you don’t do anything at all...
“Faust...”
“You blame yourself for doing what you did in the North. Sure, I blame you too. Betrayal is never the way to approach something. But you forget that you were in a situation that felt life-threatening. You were afraid, you wanted to do what you thought was right, and that’s just how things fell through. You can’t tell me that I’m a wise guy and then talk yourself down the next. We have our differences but we’re also incredibly alike— which means that if the things you say of me are true, they have to apply to you too, genius.”
Nero pulled him back into his chest.
“How can you say all this to me even though I did something you don’t approve of? I don’t get it. I don’t get how you can have so much faith in people.”
Faust’s nails dug into his undershirt. “I only put faith into those that I think are special.”
“So what, am I your favorite or something? Feels like I’m getting special treatment here.”
“You could say that. But it’s not special treatment. It’s just a reality check, you buffoon.” Faust laughed into his shoulder.
“Don’t tell me sweet nothings and then call me names afterwards! At least take me on a date first!” Nero’s hand lightly punched Faust’s back playfully.
“This is kind of like a date, no?”
“...What?”
Their blood both ran cold.
“Well, it’s just, not that I assumed... but... I do always seem to have a good time when we have drinks together...”
“I thought that was just, I don’t know, the drinking... didn’t think you really liked talkin’ with me that much.”
“Don’t embarrass me, Nero! Forget I said that.”
“No, Faust, I won’t. In fact I’ll remember it for the next hundred years to spite you, so that you can’t stop coming to my room to drink with me like this.”
Faust’s grip softened. He moved his hands up to wrap more around Nero’s neck.
Nero could feel his face getting red. He prayed Faust wouldn’t look up at him to see.
“To me it just feels like there’s no way you could actually see me as more than a drinking buddy. Not when you know me, and all the things I hate about me.” Nero said in a lower voice.
“Some of the things you hate about yourself are the things I love the most, Nero.”
“Love?”
“...Something like that.”
“You’re scarin’ me.”
“I know. We talked about this earlier, sorry. I’m too eager & chose the wrong words. How about... they’re the things that I really like about you.”
Nero let a grin slip onto his face as he nearly drowned himself in the scent of Faust’s hair. It felt good. It always felt good with Faust, who was so understanding of him. “I really like you too, you know.”
“I know.”
“You’re making me nervous, Faust! Don’t play with my feelings like that!”
“But that’s part of the fun!”
They laughed in each other’s embrace, slightly awkward but never enough to part.
“I’m sorry you gotta deal with me, and all the things I can’t say.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me for breathing, Nero. Everybody has their limits.”
“I’ll get there someday. I really mean it.”
“Take your time. I’m not saying I’m madly in love with you or something weirdly convoluted like that. I’m only saying that being able to say ‘I love you’ someday instead of ‘I loved you’ to someone else is a luxury that doesn’t feel too expensive when we spend time together.”
“And you’re okay with waiting for me until I’m strong enough to say it for you, present tense and all?”
“I’m not just waiting, I’m working with you. We’re teammates and we’re partners. We’re plenty of things.”
Nero gently nudged Faust to lay his head on the pillow next to him, caressing his cheek lightly with his calloused fingers.
“And what does this make us?”
“People who really like each other.”
Nero put his thumb and index finger on Faust’s chin, feeling cockier after listening to Faust talk him up all night.
“Like me enough to kiss me?”
“Be quiet, Nero.” Faust said affectionately.
Nero tilted his chin upwards slightly & their lips met in an unfamiliar, and oddly natural kiss. It felt as if Faust’s chapped lips were waiting to be on Nero’s for ages, and they couldn’t help but chuckle a little between each other’s breath. It seems a bottle of wine does a couple good.
Nero pulled away to address the elephant in the room.
“So are you gonna sleep in here dressed in your robe? Or do you want me to lend you clothes.”
Faust was a bit dumbfounded.
“You’d let me sleep with you? My affliction…”
“Don’t care! It’s not very gentlemanly for me to let you go to an empty bed when you’re tipsy.”
“Is that the true nature of your concern for me? Or are you just needy.”
“Please stop talking. You’re bruisin’ my ego. I have big shirts in the closet, go nuts or something.” He shoved Faust away jokingly so he could get dressed for bed.
Maybe Nero’s idea of spending time with someone forever isn’t such a far-fetched idea. And maybe Faust’s faith in having feelings for others didn’t waver for a bigger reason than he originally thought. Or, at least in that time, they both hope so.