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Taehyung is awake before he even opens his eyes. He can hear Yoongi shuffling as he gets off the bed. Seconds later he feels the warmth on his face, orange dancing behind his eyelids as Yoongi pulls the curtains open. His eyes are still closed. He feels tired, he knows this feeling. His thoughts are interrupted as Yoongi brushes his hair to the side and gives a kiss to his forehead.
“Good morning, Taehyung-ah,” he mumbled, just like any morning and without missing a beat he leaves for the kitchen where Taehyung knows he’ll be preparing breakfast.
The anxiety is now building within Taehyung, he tries to count to five.
One, Two,
The stove opens from the kitchen.
Three, Four
The mugs are pulled out from the cabinet.
Five, five, five, FIVE.
He whips his eyes open. Anxiety rushing through him. Counting down never calms him down when he’s in the beginning stages of another episode. Taehyung tries to think of their plans this week in his head, preparing when he’ll be out of use and which meetings he can’t bail out on, which engagements he can cancel out on the last minute, which of those he and Yoongi promised to go to together. Taehyung knows it’s coming, but he knows it won’t be today. He’s sure he can still go through with today’s scheduled dinner at Seokjin-hyung’s, and maybe with his important meetings for work tomorrow.
God, why is he so tired?
Taehyung shouldn’t have drunk as much as he did. Hell, he shouldn’t be drinking at all when he’s on meds.
Yoongi gave him furtive glances all throughout the night, which he managed to escape by sticking to Jimin’s side for the majority of dinner with the excuse of missing his best friend. In his defense, Taehyung was considering this as his last night of normalcy for the next two weeks or until the heavy weight on his chest finally lifts.
His head was already hurting as he lifts his face up from the sink, face wet from the water he sprinkled on himself to keep his spirit awake. These times were never the best to stare back at his reflection. He couldn’t recognize the person staring back at him.
Yoongi coughs from the door.
Taehyung kept his eyes on himself, his eyes already burning.
“Water, Taehyung-ah. You drank a bit tonight. Let’s take your pills so you can go to sleep, okay?”
“Do I have to?” Taehyung’s voice was hoarse, which surprised him. Maybe he did need that water. He turns around to see Yoongi staring at Taehyung’s pill box which he was carrying along with the glass of water.
“Your Doctor advised against skipping the medicines”, Yoongi replies as he stares back up at Taehyung.
“But I’m already drunk enough, Hyung. I’ll still fall asleep without them. Maybe.” Taehyung mumbles as he reaches to pick up the glass of water from Yoongi’s hand.
Yoongi sighs. “I’ve seen your insomnia persevere even through the alcohol before. Just ̶ please, Taehyung? You’ll sleep better, I promise.” And as a last attempt to persuade Taehyung, Yoongi comes closer, and rests his hands on his hip, running his thumbs over Taehyung’s side.
As Taehyung stares back at Yoongi, he feels his frustration bubbling up. Taehyung doesn’t know where he’d be if Yoongi wasn’t here.
Well, he’d be living alone, but he knows Jimin wouldn’t actually let him be alone during his episodes.
But moments like these, when he barely has a grip on his sanity, and Yoongi is the only person with enough braincells for the both of them, moments like these are when Taehyung truly appreciates Yoongi. Taehyung would give Yoongi the world if he could, offer all that he has, tell his Hyung to take every last bit of Taehyung that he wants, because it’s what he deserves.
Taehyung huffs out a heavy breath out his nose, and just simply opens his mouth and pushes his tongue out at Yoongi’s direction.
Yoongi’s eyes lit up, a bit amused , oblivious to Taehyung’s inner thoughts as he pops open the medicine box he was holding and takes out the clonazepam which he gently drops on Taehyung’s mouth.
“Good boy. I love you. Come to bed when you’re done?” Yoongi asked with soft eyes.
The younger only nodded and watched Yoongi’s back as he headed out.
Taehyung would give the eldest every last bone from his body, every last breath from his lungs ̵ just to prove to him how far Taehyung’s love runs deep.
“Thank you for the updates. We’ll speak again next week, and I’ll see if I can come back to the gallery, yeah?” Taehyung smiled through his teeth and waits as everyone in the video call said their goodbyes before he closed the call.
He double checks that his camera was off and takes of his earphones. It started to rain just a little bit after his meeting started – a meeting that he was thankful his team accommodated via call – he couldn’t bring himself to physically go to work just yet. Every movement of his body feels like years was being taken off of his life. Hell – he was still wearing the shirt he put on two days ago, albeit clean of stains (at least that was something he checked). Taehyung observes the downpour through their window.
He was in the thick of it now.
Yoongi’s arm circling around his waist zapped him out from his stare-down with the window by the kitchen. Taehyung turned around; apology ready on his lips. He doesn’t even know how long he zoned out.
“I just came home. You okay?” Yoongi asked coolly.
“No. I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
Taehyung took a while to answer. He doesn’t know if this frustrates Yoongi. Although, his boyfriend has never made him feel anything but loved and taken cared of. Taehyung is frustrated though. He always is. When he’s not in his normal state of mind, he couldn’t fucking form tangible sentences for the life of him. Which was the opposite of how he is when he’s levelheaded.
The first time Yoongi went through one of Taehyung’s depressive episodes, he experienced the emotional equivalence of whiplash, which he described as such to Taehyung when they both sat down and properly talked about it. Yoongi didn’t recognize the person Taehyung became. How the usual cheerful – very talkative Taehyung transformed into this shell of a man with eyes that looked like they were always glazed over.
“It’s like you’re somewhere else.” Yoongi whispered to him one night, a few months ago, after an episode he had.
Taehyung noticed that Yoongi liked to talk to him about his episodes after they’re done, when Taehyung’s mind is clearer.
Just then, Taehyung feels Yoongi’s hands gently cradle his face, a worried frown on his face.
“Everything.” Taehyung managed to stutter out, as his eyes struggled to focus and look back at Yoongi’s own.
He didn’t think it was possible for Yoongi’s frown to go deeper, but it did.
“Was it your meeting today? Did something happen? You don’t have to force yourself, Taehyung-ah.” Yoongi’s eyes darted all over Taehyung’s face, in a quest to determine what’s wrong. “You can take a break. It’s alright.”
“No it isn’t!”
The elders eyes widened at the sudden outburst.
“Tae-“
Yoongi was cut off as Taehyung grabbed his front shirt with both hands, and just stayed there.
“It’s not alright, Hyung. I can’t keep on taking – what? A week, two weeks off of work just because I’m getting fucked in the head again!” Taehyung starts to sob. “It’s fucking unfair to everyone else. And I’m trying- I’m trying but I’m still so out of it! I’m so frustrated but I can’t actually feel anything! What am I even taking these medicines for? I didn’t sign up to be a walking shell of nothing!” Taehyung didn’t realize his knees gave out and that he was basically kneeling until Yoongi crouched down to his level. His sobs continued as he lets his head fall to Yoongi’s chest.
He feels arms envelope his body and hears only his continued crying as Yoongi runs his one hand up and down Taehyung’s back in a form of comfort.
Minutes must have passed, and Yoongi only spoke when Taehyung’s cries started to subside.
“You can’t just stop taking your meds, baby.” He whispered, the vulnerability in his own voice is not lost on Taehyung. “But, let’s go back to your Doctor, okay? As soon as we can. If the medicines aren’t working, let’s see our other options okay? We’ll do this right. You-“ Yoongi stuttered, “You have me, Taehyung. It’s you and me. Please know that.”
Taehyung could only give a small nod as Yoongi whispers endless I love you’s in his ear.
His Psychiatrist upped the dosages of the pills he was already taking, but Taehyung knows he won’t be able to tell if it helped until after weeks had already passed, and by that time he was hopeful the current fog in his mind would have already cleared.
Taehyung was so tired. He doesn’t know how else to put it. “I’m tired” always sounded better and true rather than “I’m depressed”. He just woke up from a 24- hour nap. He’d call it a nap because he was in and out of it like a fever dream. Yoongi would try to wake him up to eat, but he just turned his back on him every time. He couldn’t handle being awake. But it’s morning now, and as groggy as he felt from taking his medication, he suddenly felt like he could eat an entire couch.
Yoongi was scrolling through his phone, coffee cooling in front of him when Taehyung trudged out to the kitchen. The elder’s back straightened as he saw Taehyung, and a smile crept up his lips.
“Food?”
“Please, Hyung.”
As Yoongi prepared tea and a quick breakfast, Taehyung sat down and fiddled with his fingers.
“Hyung, I’m sorry.” He tried again.
“It’s okay, Taehyung.” Yoongi walks to him and gently places Taehyungs tea in front of him. “And before you say it isn’t, well – for me it is.”
“Well, just thank you then.” Taehyung stares back up at Yoongi, his eyes nearing doe-eyed territory as the seconds pass. “Thank you for putting up with me, and- and..I love you. You know that right?”
He does, right? Taehyung was starting to feel another spiral of emotions go through his head. Does Yoongi actually know how much Taehyung loves him? Has Taehyung told him about giving him his bones, yet or was that something he only told himself in his pre-depression delirious state?
Before Taehyung’s eyes could glaze over completely, Yoongi gives him a slow kiss. Tongue slowly licking at Taehyung’s bottom lip ̵ just enough to bring Taehyung’s mind back to their reality. Yoongi slowly inched back to stare at Taehyung.
“I know, Tae. I love you too. And stop saying sorry for being sick. Because then you’ll have to say it for the rest of our lives, as I have every plan of taking care of you – in any way I can - until the end.”
“Are you sure about that?” Taehyung whispers, as his face forms into a frown that screams constipation. Is Yoongi sure? Does he know the weight behind his words and does he know how much Taehyung will grab onto his promise?
Yoongi just kisses him again.
“I love you, Kim Taehyung. You have to start believing that.”
It took three weeks for the so-called fog to lift off Taehyung’s brain. It wasn’t unusual for it to last that long, but Taehyung still noted the dates on his notebook to review with his Psychiatrist. Yoongi was already long asleep by his side, arms and legs wrapped over Taehyung’s body in what looks like an aggressive form of cuddling.
Taehyung’s medicine was starting to kick in, and his last memory before sleeping was gazing at Yoongi and offering a silent thanks to the universe.
"It must have been
the eighth day.
A day the scribes and Pharisees conveniently
left out.
Adam was either inspecting goats
or naming the birds
when something pinched
my side.
I had to stop pruning the tree of knowledge
to catch my breath.
God had taken a long weekend.
At first I thought the solitude of gardening
was going to my head.
Was it loneliness?
An omen? A vision?
For a moment I thought I would
ascend.
Then I realized it was just a rib
missing.
How you found your way in
along the banks of the third river
I will never know
but I still shiver to recall
how perfectly your fingers
fell into place
along the ridges
of my ribcage.
Go ahead, Love,
take every last bone.
Make of me
what you will.” -
On the Eighth Day Adam Slept Alone – Nancy Boutilier