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She was surprised when Garrus said it, and not a little drunk. She wasn’t even sure how they got onto the topic. Probably some bad puns and too many shots.
Only Thane wasn’t drunk. He played carefully, running his fingers over the edges of the cards. It had occurred to Shepard that he had an advantage when it came to Skyllian Five. Even he looked surprised when Garrus asked.
“What was your first time like?”
She’d talked about damn near everything else with Garrus, but Thane had only been on the crew for a few months. He seemed amused at least.
Shepard took a long sip of her drink and resolved not to look at the drell.
“As in sex?”
Garrus set his cards down and leaned back in his chair. “I...yes. That’s what I meant.”
It was entirely possible that this was a distraction tactic. He’d lost the last five hands.
“Well that depends what you mean by sex,” Shepard said. “We might have different definitions. Sex with someone else or sex on your own?”
That got her exactly the reaction she wanted. Garrus squirmed in his seat. If he was a human he would have blushed.
“Fine.” He took another pull on his drink. “ Intimacy ,” he airquoted. “With another person.”
Shepard risked a look at Thane. He was listening politely, the cards still in his hands, and his glass of liquor untouched in front of him.
She took the drink and downed it. It was raw and smokey in her throat. “You started this, Garrus. You should go first.”
Garrus folded his arms across his chest. “She was the daughter of one of my father’s friends. We were at some C-Sec staff party. It was my first time on the Citadel, and I was so green. We started drinking, and she suggested we sneak off to her quarters.” He stopped and looked away. “It was over fast. She never spoke to me again.”
“Garrus.” Shepard bit her lip. “That’s not great.”
“No.” He sighed. “It wasn’t. Luckily things got better.” He picked up his cards again and studied them with feigned intensity.
“I’ll bet. If you pay half as much attention to your partner as you do to your rifle then you won’t have a problem,” Shepard said. “Not that I’ve thought about it,” she added hastily. It wasn’t quite true, but her thoughts had only ever been idle ones.
It had been such a long time since she’d been intimate with another person.
“The feelings mutual,” Garrus said. “I mean, can you imagine? A human and a turian?” He clicked his tongue. “Not that I’ve watched the vids. Ever.” He was lying now, and Shepard couldn’t help laughing. They were as bad as each other.
“Another drink, Shepard?” Thane asked.
“Please.” She watched him rise from the table and go over to the bar. He brought back another glass, and filled them both. This time Thane took a sip before setting it down neatly in front of him.
“I’ll go next.” Shepard picked up her glass and tilted it between her hands. “My first time was with someone in the Reds. He got me high, and drunk, and it was awful. I remember wondering if that was it. What was all the fuss about?”
The memory sat uncomfortably in her gut even with all the alcohol to numb it. She took another sip in a bid to push her feelings under. “I can’t say I’ve ever understood the obsession with sex. My last partner…”
The drink had loosened her tongue. This was a mistake.
Garrus nudged her leg. “Go on.”
Thane watched her across the table without expression. She was looking at him again.
“Sex was a performance. It was all about him. If I was having a good time, it was to make him feel better about himself. My pleasure didn’t matter.” She downed the drink, and closed her eyes.
“My people consider sex to be an act of devotion. It is not something to be taken for granted,” Thane said. His voice snagged on something inside her, and Shepard opened her eyes to watch him speak.
He caught her look. “It might not be wise for me to speak of this.”
“Chicken, Krios?” Garrus played his hand. It was much better than Shepard’s.
“Chicken?” Thane smiled at the expression. “Drell slip into memories easily. It may not be appropriate.”
He snapped his cards down one at a time, and tapped his fingers on them. They were better than Garrus’.
Garrus swore quietly.
“I will tell you that her name was Oridi.” Thane set his chin on his hands. “She was a year older than me. We trained together, lived together. She was very beautiful. I considered it an honour when she chose me. Physical intimacy is sacred to those who follow the old ways. I learnt a great deal from Oridi. I was lucky to have such a teacher.”
Shepard felt a swoop of jealousy. What she wouldn’t have given for an experience like that, with someone like Thane. Somehow she doubted he’d have left her empty and restless.
It was hard to imagine sex as an act of worship instead of a chore.
Something stirred in her, a warmth that reached between her legs and flickered. She wanted to be devoured.
“You win,” Shepard said. She looked at Garrus who was shaking his head and muttering. “Time for bed.”
“That’s the best idea you’ve had all week.” Garrus got up, and swayed back to his bunk.
“Sorry about that,” Shepard said once he’d gone. She busied herself tidying the glasses away, and returning the cards to their drawer. It wouldn’t do for the Commander to set a bad example.
Not that she was a Commander. There had been protocols to follow on the SR-1. Sleeping with her subordinates was frowned upon. Everything was different now. Shepard wondered what that meant.
“Please, you don’t need to apologise.” Thane helped her clean up and then padded at her side towards the elevator. “It was an enjoyable evening. I haven’t had friends in a very long time.”
“And you might not have them for much longer if we’re going through the relay.” It was supposed to be a joke but the truth in it was too blunt.
She dragged a hand through her hair and cursed herself.
“Shepard,” Thane said. He drew a little closer. His hands were still behind his back.
“Hmm?” That feeling rubbed at her again. She caught herself straining towards him, and tried to pull back.
“I’m sorry you had those experiences. It took courage to speak of them.”
She shrugged. “Thank you for letting me know that it doesn’t all have to be like that.”
There were other words on her tongue. She saw Thane sweep his dark gaze over her face, and imagined for one hungry second that he was going to touch her.
He blinked rapidly, and Shepard could have sworn she saw him push one restless hand behind his back.
“You’ve been drinking. I won’t keep you.”
That much was true.
“Goodnight, Thane.”
He left her.
Shepard wanted to tell him to come back. Drunk or not, she knew what she wanted. She wanted him to teach her. She wanted his guiding hands upon her, his voice in her ear, and a prayer between her legs.
Her own fingers wouldn’t suffice. She fell asleep thinking of all the things she wished she’d said. Teach me. Touch me. I’m yours .