Chapter Text
Piccolo sighed what he thought of as his Saiyan Sigh, because the two pure-blooded Saiyans just brought out a different level of exasperation. He looked at Gohan, hoping that Gohan wasn’t going to back his father on this. Dende glanced at Piccolo from behind Gohan. It was clear Gohan’s diminutive boyfriend, and the Kami of Earth, would prefer if the elder Saiyan didn’t accompany them.
“I should be there for my son’s first anything!” Goku cried. Dende and Gohan glanced at each other and giggled. Goku, confused, continued, “Including his first drink, even though I’ve seen him have drinks before. Is this a special kind of drink?”
Gohan opened his mouth. Piccolo caught the younger Saiyan’s eye and lifted a brow, hoping that Gohan wouldn’t prove himself as thick as his father by goading Goku. His mouth snapped shut.
“Drink of what?” Vegeta said irritably. Why Vegeta was even present bewildered Piccolo. Not that he minded. The little Saiyan was easy on the eyes, especially in his tight little training shorts and tank top, which was shredded enough to barely count. Piquing Vegeta’s curiosity was an intriguing turn.
Piccolo said, “Booze. Surely they have alcohol in space, Vegeta. Or you must’ve had it on Earth before you and Bulma split, if nothing else. Bulma loves a good stiff drink.” One of the few secrets amongst their bizarre cohort of misfit human fighters and overpowered aliens was that Piccolo and Bulma were best friends. Goku thought of himself as Bulma’s best friend, but not in the way Piccolo was. Piccolo and Bulma loved getting hammered together and discussing various scenarios with all the other cretins they associated with. Piccolo wondered now if Bulma drank with Piccolo because Vegeta was a teetotaler.
“You mean ethanol?” Vegeta said, crossing his arms even tighter.
“Yeah, ethanol,” Piccolo replied with an amused snort.
Vegeta flushed a pretty pink. “I…Yes…Obviously.”
Goku scratched the back of his neck. “I drink all the time. I’m the best at drinking.”
Piccolo cocked his head to the side, his mouth opening and snapping shut as he had no response to such an inane comment. Gohan groaned. Goku pretended not to notice. Dende’s head thudded against Gohan’s shoulder. ChiChi was still adjusting to Gohan coming out not just as gay, but Goku didn’t even seem to understand the core concept of sexuality at all, let alone distinctions in kind. Piccolo was happy for his young proteges, though. They both had such horrific childhoods that they deserved to find true love. To enjoy one another. To comfort one another.
Gohan said, “Dad, nobody’s the best at drinking because it’s not a competition—“
Vegeta barked, “Well of course you’d say that, boy. You don’t have a competitive bone in your wasted Saiyan body—“
Dende cut Vegeta’s rant short, “Vegeta, Gohan is simply speaking the truth, and being as it is his twenty-first birthday, perhaps we ought to let—“
“Yeah, my son’s birthday. Not Piccolo’s son. Why are you taking him out anyway, Piccolo? You’re always trying to horn in on being Gohan’s dad, but I’m—“
“Shut up! All of you fucking shut up!” Piccolo snarled, holding his hands in the air. “Fine, Goku. Get changed quickly and you can come with us for Gohan’s first drink, but then you can take your dumb, be-tailed ass away so your poor beleaguered child can enjoy himself.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? You enjoy hanging out with your old dad, don’t you, son?” Goku said, swinging his big dopey puppy eyes to Gohan. He stripped off his tattered gi in front of all of them. He was staying with Gohan since ChiChi kicked him out. The fact that she’d lasted twenty years was a fucking miracle. Piccolo could barely last twenty minutes…but as Goku turned his bare ass to them to retreat to his bedroom, Piccolo could see some of Goku’s appeal. His thick appeal. Of course there was the shredded gi on the floor to counteract some of the fine ass’s merit.
Vegeta grumbled, “I would best that motherfucker at alcohol. Ethanol. Boof. What did you call it, Namek?”
“I have a name, you twat. It’s not boof. Booze.”
“I wish to attend this booze contest for the boy’s coming of age,” Vegeta said, standing up straighter, “Piccolo. I know you have a name of course. This planet and it’s disrespectful customs.”
“What? No. It’s not a contest and you’re not fucking coming because you’ll turn Goku into a complete idiot.”
“That is impossible. That’s already been done by his lack of functioning brain cells. Boy, Gohan, I’m joining you at this booze establishment for the drinking contest.”
Gohan grinned and looked up at Piccolo. Piccolo knew what Gohan was thinking and he didn’t like it. Gohan thought Piccolo should date either Goku or Vegeta, because Piccolo was weary of humans. Piccolo gave a minute shake of his head and felt his cheeks turning violet. He tried to make his eyes as imploring as possible. Dende peeked at him around Gohan again. Dende tittered behind his hand and said, “Yes, Vegeta, you should come with us. Perhaps the Prince of All Saiyans is better than the mighty Goku at drinking.”
“Are you mocking me?” Vegeta said with wide, malevolent eyes.
Dende shook his head solemnly, but Piccolo could see he was crushing Gohan’s hand in his grip, inching farther behind his powerful boyfriend. Vegeta’s feathers unruffled and he said, “What sort of attire is appropriate for imbibing, Piccolo?” Again he said Piccolo’s name as though he were doing Piccolo an enormous favor by not referring to him by the name of his species.
“Smol Saiyan, I don’t give a shit what you wear, because you’re being a prat already and you haven’t even had a drink.”
“I bet I can best you at drinking too, behemoth.”
“Bring it, tiny,” Piccolo said, enjoying Vegeta’s smirk despite what an absolute prick the little man could be.
Gohan gave Vegeta the address of the bar and Vegeta promised—or threatened, given his tone—to meet them there. Piccolo turned to Gohan and said, “What the fuck was he doing at you guys’ house anyway?”
“He and Dad were mid-argument wherever Dad IT’d them from, so they just popped into our living room beat up and bickering,” Gohan said with his own Saiyan Sigh.
Dende added drily, “Just another average day at Son Gohan’s house.”
The poor pair of them didn’t deserve to endure Goku living with them, but hopefully it wouldn’t be much longer before Goku would find a place and leave his son and live-in boyfriend in peace. Dende was in the process of training a new Kami because he wanted to be able to really live with Gohan.
Goku emerged, freshly showered, smelling delicious, and wearing jeans and a tight black t-shirt. Piccolo was surprised to find that Goku looked…hot. Really hot. Piccolo breathed, “Fuck…” and gestured for them all to follow.
Piccolo chose a pool hall both because it was one of Piccolo’s regular haunts and because he thought it would be fun for Piccolo and Gohan to teach Dende how to play pool. Unfortunately, now he would have to teach the two dumbass, competitive, pureblooded Saiyans as well. They touched down on the sidewalk and Piccolo’s mouth dropped open.
Vegeta leaned against the pool hall in black leather pants that left absolutely nothing to the imagination, sexy black boots, and a blood red tank top. Piccolo hated that he couldn’t even keep his eyes from crawling over the wiry Saiyan. Vegeta, to Piccolo’s complete shock, lifted an eyebrow, smirked, and purred, “See something you like, Piccolo?”
Piccolo swallowed and said, “I need a drink.” It wasn’t as though he didn’t know Vegeta had a banging body. All Saiyans had banging bodies. There was just something about black leather pants clinging to Vegeta’s bulge that did something new to Piccolo. To Piccolo’s disgruntled jealousy, Vegeta checked Goku out and said, “Prepare for defeat, Kakarot.”
“Not a contest, Vegeta,” Gohan said again.
Saying anything to the two full-blooded Saiyans was a waste of breath. Piccolo tried to talk himself out of how hot both of the idiots looked and a smile flickered on Dende’s face. It was clear the little Kami heard Piccolo's thoughts.
There was a brief debate over what Gohan should drink first, but they settled on a round of shots so they could each get their preferred alcohol. It wasn’t as though Gohan hadn’t ever had a drink, just never one openly, legally ordered in a bar.
Piccolo eyeballed Goku and Vegeta. Glee filled his chest as it became glaringly obvious that it was their actual first drink. Vegeta ordered ethanol and Goku ordered “a drink.” The bartender, who Piccolo knew (and had fucked a few times), gave him an amused look. Piccolo said, “Cheap vodka for these two all night. They have no idea, so ignore them.”
“It won’t be hard to ignore them with you around,” the bartender said. His eyelids lowered and came back up. “You got plans tonight, Picc?”
“Not yet,” Piccolo said, winking. He wore a tailored button-down in a pale periwinkle and khaki-colored linen pants that he knew hugged his ass perfectly. Certain humans seemed to think he was off-limits because he was green, and others seemed to want him because he was green. Then there were men like the bartender, who seemed to just want him for him, and that was a nice feeling.
When Piccolo turned with his shot and almost spilled it as he jumped. Vegeta stood far too close to him. Goku too. They both had their shot glasses clutched in their powerful hands like some enemy that might escape without vigilance. “Jeez you two, give a man some space. I’m trying to get laid.”
Goku cocked his head to the side. “What? Are you tired?”
Vegeta turned and narrowed his eyes. “Are you actually that daft or have you just forgotten what getting laid is?”
Piccolo tried to slither out from between the Saiyans and the bar. But they closed ranks. Goku said, “What? Oh! Oh…I didn’t know you did that, Piccolo! And shut up, ‘Geetie, I bet I’ve had sex more recently than you!”
Piccolo facepalmed with his free hand and said, “How ‘bout you both shut up so we can throw back our shots with Gohan, for Gohan’s birthday, remember? It’s not Saiyan Dick Measuring Day!”
“Is…is that an actual holiday in space?” Goku asked, his eyes wide.
Piccolo saw Gohan and Dende exchange a look of resignation to the sort of idiocy that would fill Gohan’s evening if Goku didn’t leave. Vegeta chuckled and said, “If it was, I would win.”
Goku pouted when Piccolo gave him a death glare to halt any discussion of penis length. Piccolo held out his shot glass to Gohan. Dende gave him a grateful smile and the two younger men held theirs up too. The idiot elder Saiyans hesitantly mimicked them and Piccolo said, “To the best kid turning into a man, which he kinda did at eleven, and it seems a little unfair that nobody bought him a drink for it then.”
Gohan blushed and grinned and said, “I would have settled for someone buying a milkshake, even.”
Dende rubbed Gohan’s back, kissed his cheek, and echoed, “To Gohan!”
The three veteran drinkers clinked their glasses together, threw back their shots, and waited for the morons to follow suit. Vegeta and Goku’s throats appeared and they both came down spluttering and wheezing and bitching that they’d been given poisoned drinks.
Gohan’s laughter, uncontrollable and delighted, filled Piccolo’s whole chest with warm and fuzzies. It was worth bringing the two dopes just for this moment of triumph: Gohan got to see the two men who had mostly made his childhood hell brought low by a beverage. Even Piccolo enjoyed it.
After they stopped being hysterical enough that quite a few people sniffed cautiously at their own drinks, Piccolo said loudly, “No, that’s just ethanol.”
“Why would you drink that on purpose!?” Vegeta said, sticking his tongue out in a way that was making Piccolo consider better uses for that tongue. Piccolo asked any god who would listen to spare him his lust for Vegeta on that night, at least.
I don’t think I will, Piccolo, came Dende’s soft, amused voice in his mind.
Piccolo smirked and his eyes slid to the smaller Namek who was already nibbling Gohan’s ear surreptitiously. Gohan blushed and turned to receive a real kiss. They whispered about what ninnies the elder Saiyans were being.
Piccolo clapped the full-blooded Saiyans each on the back and said, “Well, it turns out neither of you assholes are the best at drinking, so it’s time for you to head out and let Gohan enjoy the rest of his birthday as an independent adult.”
Goku whined, “I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to spend his birthday with his dad!”
Rumbling laughter escaped Piccolo and he said, “He might, but I sure as hell don’t, and he promised me that he’d spend the evening with me. So go on. Get out of here. You too, Vegeta, I don't even know why you’re here.”
“You know, Kakarot, I think the Namek thinks he’s better at drinking than we are,” Vegeta said with a dark little smirk.
Gohan and Dende froze. Piccolo wasn’t going to take Vegeta’s bait, but Dende said in his mind, You could keep them here drinking and we could move on, if you’re willing to be a sacrifice to your god.
He gave Dende a grim smirk and answered, After you wouldn’t even kill my covetous feelings for Vegeta?
Dende lifted an eyebrow. I don’t think that’s what you actually want, if I’m going to be answering prayers.
Piccolo flared a nostril but smiled, despite himself. I’ll get them another round to distract them, then teach them pool. Sneak away as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Not that I think they’ll notice with the boners they have for each other. Maybe alcohol will finally get them fucking so we can all endure less of their UST-y bickering.
Dende murmured the plan to Gohan, who pressed his palms together and bowed toward Piccolo. Piccolo took a deep breath and said to Vegeta, “You’re one-hundred-percent right, Vegeta, except I know I’m better at drinking than you and Goku. You two are amateurs. I’ll kick your ass at pool too. Neither of you know what to do when brute strength doesn’t carry the day.”
“You’re on, Namek, get more of that foul liquid,” Vegeta said, poking Piccolo in the chest as he stared up at him, too close again.
“I’m not buying a drink for someone who doesn’t use my name,” Piccolo said and turned to Goku, “You want something different this time, Goku? Like a sipping drink?”
“I want to try everything!” Goku said, making little fists and bobbing up and down with anticipation. Piccolo stifled a grin, wondering if Goku was universally excited about putting new things in his mouth.