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It was just a regular Tuesday morning when Tadashi Yamaguchi stole my heart. Subconsciously, he had been slowly chipping away at its shell over time, before completely opening a hole that only he could fill.
He was sitting at his desk, two ahead of me, one row to my right. I often caught him staring back at me during class, but once I noticed, he would quickly look away. It always bothered me, knowing Yamaguchi really needed to pay attention to the lesson instead.
However, that day was different because when I caught Tadashi staring at me with his soft brown eyes, he didn’t look away. His gaze melted into mine, and I felt it, the cavern in my heart being split open.
I watched as his freckled cheeks grew red, his resemblance to one of a strawberry with that odd hair of his.
I had never seen Tadashi like this. Not that I could remember at least. Yet maybe I had been lying to myself. Maybe I knew all along that I was completely in love with my best friend.
Nonetheless, I was never one to ignore the facts right before me and I couldn’t deny that Tadashi Yamaguchi was exceptionally breathtaking.
I didn’t know how he managed to make me feel all those things with just a glance, but he did, and I wondered if he felt too.
Did he have a hole the size of Kei Tsukishima in his heart? And if so, did he want it filled?
My mind was racing with these thoughts, distracting as ever. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
Then he smiled at me.
Any thought that this wasn’t love was thrown out the window. He had won.
I never cared much for the idea of dating, romance, or a boyfriend. I didn’t even know I was gay. His eyes made me want to kiss him though. My unholy desire to press my awfully chapped lips into his pretty pink ones sent chills down my spine.
Fuck.
I was in trouble.
He only broke his gaze when our teacher numbly called his name, “Yamaguchi, please pay attention.”
He apologized in his familiar soft voice, burying his head back into his work. I continued to watch as he wrote, his body hunched uncomfortably at his desk. I couldn’t see his face anymore but I wanted to.
I wanted to touch his skin.
I wanted to play with his hair.
I wanted to be with him in silence and just breathe.
I wanted Tadashi Yamaguchi.
When the bell rang, signaling class change, I quickly stood, almost dropping my books as I made my way to him. I was no longer in control of my own body. He was still seated, trying to organize his notes into his binder. He didn’t notice me standing in front of him, concentrating on the task at hand.
“Tadashi,” I breathed softly, trying not to sound too desperate. I wanted to see his eyes again. I wanted to make sure this wasn’t just a mistake, a glitch in the system.
He looked up, smiling sweetly. I looked into his eyes once more.
Fuck.
“Sorry, Tsukki! I’ll try to hurry,” he rushed, just throwing his papers in his folder haphazardly. He closed his books and shoved them into his bag. He stood, that stupid smile still on his face.
Dammit.
“Tsukki,” he began, waving his hand in front of my face. I guess I hadn’t realized I was staring. Completely lost in thought.
How was I going to work around this?
Wanting to kiss him every time I looked into his eyes?
Just don’t look in his eyes. Simple.
I quickly found it wouldn’t be that easy.
When his hand brushed against mine as we walked through the classroom door, side by side, I felt it.
When he giggled at some crude remark I made, I felt it.
When he sneezed as he pulled a dusty book from the top shelf in the library, I felt it.
Everything he did from that moment on had me looking at him as if he were the last slice of strawberry shortcake.
I craved him.
That night I laid in bed wishing he was with me.
I couldn’t get him out of my head.
It was crippling almost, how much control he had over me. I wanted to do anything and everything for him. I wanted to be his person the way I wanted him to be mine.
It was all so pathetic, so carelessly naive to fall in love with someone, I always thought.
Although this was not technically love at first sight, it felt surreal. It was as if I were seeing him for the first time, finally able to capture all his forsaken beauty.
I found myself mindlessly scrolling through the few photos I had saved of him over the course of our friendship. Why had I never noticed it before?
How brightly the stars in his eyes burned. How pretty he looked just existing.
Fuck.
Tadashi Yamaguchi.
You have won.
--
That next morning I woke, expecting reality to hit, informing me that in fact, no, I was certainly not in love with my best friend - that it was all just some kind of dream.
But the thought of him flooded my mind in waves, sending me into that same trance from the previous day. I couldn’t shake it. Truth be told, I didn’t want to.
Was I willing to do something about it? No, of course not. That would be silly. Tadashi and I. Together?
Would he even date me? Surely not.
Wait…is he even gay?
I didn’t have much time to dwell on the idea though due to a knock at my bedroom door.
“Come in,” I tried to remind myself of what I had been doing. School? Yes. I have to get ready for school.
I went to my closet, attempting to find my uniform when I heard his sweet voice, “Good morning Tsukki.”
I looked back at the clock on my night stand and groaned. I had been thinking about him for so long, that I completely forgot what time it was.
I was running late but more importantly, Yamaguchi had been waiting for me. We always walked to school together. On any normal day, I would have been outside already, but this was not a normal day.
“Sorry. Your brother let me in,” he grinned, taking a seat on the edge of my bed. He hadn’t even bothered to ask me why I was running late, I observed. I wondered how long he had been waiting.
“That’s okay. I won’t be but a minute. Sorry, Tadashi,” I could hear a change in my voice as I spoke to him now, almost as if anything above a whisper would break him.
“Take your time, Tsukki,” he was still smiling. Always smiling. Such a pretty smile.
What should I do?
Would it be crazy for me to just ask him right now?
Or should I do something bigger?
What if he doesn’t even like guys?
What if he doesn’t like me?
“Tsukki, are you alright?” Tadashi broke my thoughts, twiddling his thumbs in his lap. He looked so cute like that. So innocent.
“Y-yeah,” I didn’t have any excuse for why I kept spacing out. This was starting to become embarrassing. I never stuttered. Surely he would question that.
But he didn’t. He just nodded, “Okay.”
I wanted to say, “No, I think I realized I’m in love with you and now I don’t know how to be around you without these damn butterflies in my stomach throwing a fucking party.”
Should I just say it anyway?
Would that weird him out?
What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?
Dammit, Kei. Pull yourself together.
“Tsukki, you’re doing it again,” Tadashi chirped up, this time standing. He stepped towards me, reaching a hand out, “Are you sure you’re okay? You can tell me if something is bothering you.”
I looked at his hand, desperately wanting to grab it.
Should I?
I mean, he offered it.
It wouldn’t be weird then, right?
Screw it.
I reached out, intertwining my long scrawny fingers with his. They were so soft, a lot softer than I was expecting. Mine were callused from volleyball. This reminded me how little time Tadashi actually got to be on the court.
I looked up at him, our eyes connecting.
He must have felt it. He had to have felt the electricity pumping through my veins, towards every fingertip. My heart was beating so hard, it was all I could hear. Could he hear it too?
“Tsukki,” he whispered softly, still gazing at me. His expression was gentle but slightly confused. Maybe he hadn’t expected this. I guess I hadn’t either.
“Can I just hold your hand for a moment?” I asked, nerves rocking my very core. He suddenly reached out and grabbed my lonely hand in his.
“You can hold both of them if you want,” he smiled. I crumbled. He had total control. If I could give him the world, I would. A small grin formed on my face. What was he doing to me?
We stood like that for a while, just being near each other, fingers intertwined. It was peaceful and I had a realization that I wanted to hold Tadashi’s hands for the rest of my life.
Could I do that? Would he let me?
Maybe. Just maybe.
Just do it, Kei, don’t be a fucking coward.
“Tadashi,” I started. He cocked his head to the side, expectant. “Yes, Tsukki?”
At that moment, I couldn’t breathe, the panic chilling my voice.
No. You have to do this.
Tell him.
“What would you say if I asked to kiss you?” I spit out all too quickly. He probably didn’t even understand me.
“I’d say that you should.”
Huh?
What?
Wait-
“Huh?” I asked, gripping tighter onto his hands, a sliver of hope in my voice. Did he mea-
“I mean, if you want to, you should,” he was blushing now, peering downwards at the floor, clearly embarrassed.
“I...um,” I looked into his eyes, unable to find the words I wanted to say. I truly hadn’t expected this.
“Today...like right now?“
“Right now is fine. I-I would like that,” Tadashi cut me off, looking up at me again.
Fuck.
“Um, o-okay,” I stuttered, “Well, um-“
“Just do it, Tsukki,” he smiled again. My heart felt like it was going into cardiac arrest.
“Are you sure you want to? You don’t have to just because-“
“Kei, shut up. I want this. Trust me,” he pulled me closer to him, our bodies only a couple inches apart now. I could smell his familiar scent of lavender, as it began to overtake me. This boy had me wrapped around his finger and he didn’t even know it.
“Okay. Okay,” I inched closer, aware that I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing.
I don’t know the first thing about kissing. Good god. Why am I like this?
Just breathe, Kei. He wants it to. Just let it happen.
So I did. I gently pressed my lips into his. He tasted of strawberry lip balm and mint. It was incredible. My stomach flipped, butterflies raging inside me. I felt weak and powerful all at the same time. I wanted more. He was intoxicating.
I felt his arms slowly wrap around my neck, pulling us closer together. I gripped his waist, steadying him as I leaned in, deepening the kiss. It was pure bliss. A moment I could never forget, even if I wanted to.
He was the first to pull away, reaching for air, “Kei.”
I admired his face once more. He was glowing. Perfect skin, beautiful brown eyes, plump pink lips. Those god damned freckles made my heart ache. He was my person, without a doubt. I had finally found him.
“Tadashi, you’re amazing,” I couldn’t stop the words from falling out of my mouth. I was in a dream and I never wanted to wake up.
“I think you’re pretty amazing too,” he grinned, closing the gap between us once more, but only for a short moment. He unwrapped himself from my grasp, laying back on my bed, his cheeks still red. His hair fell messily around his face while he grinned, “I’m glad you wanted that too.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping my lips. Yamaguchi’s eyes widened, “Tsukki, this isn’t a prank is it?”
I immediately blanked as I shook my head, “No, no. Of course not. I’m just happy.” The idea of this being some kind of joke was outrageous to me. Tadashi’s worried expression faded, “Good.” He sat up, staring at me with those stars in his beautiful eyes. I could stare at him forever.
“We should do that more often,” he joked, pushing a loose strand of hair behind his ear. God, he’s adorable.
“Maybe next time we can do it as boyfriends?” I questioned, joining him on the bed. His eyes widened, staring at me as if I just killed a man. “You want to be my boyfriend?”
I laughed again, grabbing his hand, “I couldn’t think of anything I’d want more, Tadashi Yamaguchi.”
Tadashi blushed even harder now, the corners of his mouth raised, “Then I’d love to be your boyfriend, Kei Tsukishima.”
That was it. My life changing moment, my “okay, I can die happy now” moment, and it was beautiful.