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Baz is drinking again. I hate when he drinks. He becomes more cruel than usual, but I try to ignore it.
We’re sitting next to each other on the couch. I’m watching a video Penny sent to me earlier, it’s actually kind of interesting. Usually whatever Penny sends me is kinda boring - no offence to her.
“What are you watching?” Baz asks, putting his bottle down and scooting closer to me.
Oh. This is nice. He hasn’t been this close to me in god knows how long.
“Penny sent it to me.” I reply softly, “It’s talking about the soulmate theory. It’s actually sorta interesting, it’s like a yin and yang thing.”
The stuff the video was saying reminded me of him and I. We are… kinda like yin and yang, I guess. He’s the dark and I’m the light.
“Sounds like bullshit to me.” Baz muttered, “As if soulmates could actually exist.”
I’m not even remotely surprised that he’s shutting it down already. Maybe he thinks he doesn’t have a soul. Maybe this is a subject we shouldn’t talk about.
”I dunno, I thought it was kinda cool. It’s a nice theory, I-”
“You cant seriously think soulmates are real?” Baz cackles, sending me disgusted look.
He was always disgusted with me, but it’s been months since I’ve seen this look. Maybe I was right, I shouldn’t talk about this. Maybe.
“You don’t?” I reply after a moment, making eye contact with him.
A mistake. Fuck. I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“No, I don’t. Obviously not, Snow. I don’t have ‘another half.’ My soul isn’t connected to someone else’s.” He glares into my eyes.
I feel like he can see everything. I feel like he knows all my thoughts. Fuck. His lips move to form a cruel sneer before he speaks again.
“Oh no. This is more sad than I thought. Come on. You can’t honestly think that we’re soulmates.” He laughs humourlessly, “Don’t start acting like I need you. I’ve always been best alone.”
I break his gaze, looking down. Sure. No, come on, Simon. You knew this.
“Right. No, of course not. Have fun with that, then.” I mumble, “I need to take a piss.”
I didn’t have to see his face to know about the knowing smirk he was sporting. He and I both knew I didn’t actually need to take a piss. I turned off my phone, shoved it in my back pocket, and went swiftly to the bathroom.
I locked the door behind me and turned the fan on. I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was too much. He was too much. It hurt before, when it was only my thoughts telling me he didn’t need me. But now that I know for sure, now that I’ve heard the harsh words from his cruel mouth, it’s worse.
It’s as if he had my heart and broke small bits off everyday, but decided that today he would do something different.
Like he looked me in the eyes and sunk his teeth into my heart, ripping it apart like an animal. Because that’s what he was, an animal, preying on things that were weaker than him. He knows i’m weaker than him. I think I always will be.
His words kept repeating in my head.
‘Don’t start acting like I need you.’
‘Don’t start acting like I need you.’
‘Don’t start acting like I need you.’
I’m not able to fight the tears back anymore. A few fall down my face before I turned on the water, and splashed my face a few times.
I need him, so badly. I hate how much I depend on him. I hate myself even more for how much I love him. I hate myself beyond words, for thinking he loves me. No matter how he treats me, I always go running back to him. He knows that I’ll always come back to him. He’s stopped caring for my feelings, knowing that no matter what he says, I’ll always come back. I suppose I am at fault for that. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, though. Fuck.
I turn off the tap, dry my hands and face, then open the door. He’s there, waiting for me with a bored look on his face. No matter what he says, I know he’ll always be there. Albeit with a cruel smirk or that damm judgemental stare. He’ll be there, waiting for me to walk back to him.
He doesn’t need me - no. But I think that he wants me. It’s comfortable, him and I. We both always have someone to go to, someone to return home to. It’s just how it is. I wish it wasn’t that way.
Penny said it’s wrong. She also said that if I call her crying again, she’s going to take matters into her own hands. I don’t know what that means. I’ve stopped calling her.
”I’m going to go to bed.” I tell him.
”Did I hurt your feelings, Snow?” He drawls, “Don’t want to sit next to me anymore?”
”It’s not that.” I look down, “I’m just… tired.”
“Tired of me? Am I such a bore? I guess I forget your small brain can only handle so much. Pity you used your daily brain power fantasizing about us being ‘soulmates.’ You can’t actually think that of us?”
I hate this so much.
”Of course not.” I lie, “Clearly we’re not. And besides, soulmates … aren’t real.”
“Good.” He says, like he’s talking to a dog.
“Are you coming to bed?” I ask.
“You’re not my mother. I’ll go to bed when I want to. Don’t wait up, Snow, it’ll only darken your eyebags more.”
I nod, going to the bedroom. I didn’t know that my eyebags were that noticeable.
I like him better when he’s sleeping. He can’t hurt me when he’s sleeping. He’s just… at peace. He’s not mean, he’s not casually cruel, he can’t stare into my soul and know all my secrets. He’s just nice. He’s my Baz.
Maybe that’s why I stay.
He’s beastly, but he’s still mine.
And no matter how much Penny hates it, I’m his too.
He’s mine, and that’s what matters.