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It feels like it’s been such a long day, Philip didn’t even have a trial but he feels like he’s had the life sucked out of him. His head feels heavy and his chest is tighter than a balloon about to pop.
He wonders if this is what it feels like to sacrifice his friends, he can’t say he would even be fond of the feeling and he regrets it every time he has to do it. But they’ve come to an understanding that on the playing field, all bets are off.
He had something happen a couple of days ago and it’s been bothering him since, he’s never been one to dwell on the uncertainties of a situation but in times like these he wonders why things have to be the way that they are.
He had found his friend sitting by herself, isolated from the other survivors, tears pouring down her face as she sat there by herself. Philip was concerned and made his way towards her.
He asked her what was wrong and if she was okay, she nodded and reassured him that everything was fine and she was just having a moment to herself.
Philip can’t say that he’s ever been fine if he separated himself from his friends to sit alone and cry the way she's doing right now. He didn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth, Claudette has always been as strong as a bull. She puts others before herself, but one of her many downfalls is she doesn’t let others give her that same comfort.
Philip wonders if she’s always felt like she has to do everything alone. He’s seen her with her fellow survivors, Philip knows that as much as she hides away in times like these, the comfort of her friends always puts a smile on her face.
He doesn’t think he can count on his hands the many times he’s seen her friends reach their arms across her to hold, wrapping themselves around her in a hug. He feels like he can recall her laughter at their actions, even through her tears.
She loves being held by those around her.
He scrunches up his face at the thought, that sting of it all coming back to him.
He was the only one who knew she was sitting off by herself alone and upset.
He stood there in front of her for a good long while before eventually letting the unpleasant silence get to him and without any hesitation he was quickly walking away.
Leaving her there… alone.
He wonders if he hurt her as much as he hurt himself by his actions, he cares about his friend a lot. But he has a hard time showing it in ways that he feels would matter to her.
Philip is turning his hands over as he looks at himself. Creases and cuts scatter themselves across his open palms and he wonders if the hands he’s been given would ever be capable of anything other than killing.
When he looks at himself like this all he can see is the harm he’s done throughout his life. The blood dripping down his fingers as he murdered his boss; the bodies he was crushing in the Junkyard back on earth, the damage he does to everyone when he’s in trials.
Philip can’t help but think that these hands were never meant for holding but were meant for brutality. He was a monster back on earth and he’s a monster in this world.
He cares about his friends, he cares about Claudette… But he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt her. Not like how he let his anger get the better of him the day before he was taken.
Sometimes he doesn’t feel worthy of the friendship they’ve made. She is always so kind hearted to him, she’s careful and gentle with everything she does.
She’s someone he yearns to connect with but is stunted by his own history to follow through with his desires.
He wonders if she trusts him enough for something like that. He wonders if she’s anything like how Jake is with Michael.
Philip is letting out a deep sigh as he thinks about the two of them. They’ve all found a great bond within one another, he’s gotten along well with Jake. They’ll sit together, counting crows and Philip feels lucky that he gets to experience what life must have been like as a survivalist.
Michael and Claudette both seem to take a liking for the flowers that scatter themselves around the realms and to Jake’s dismay he loses his partner to Philips' cherished companion. But Philip is okay with the extra time he gets to spend with Jake when Claudette and Michael are getting their hands dirty.
Jake’s a bit of a quiet person and Philip enjoys that a lot, he wonders if that's why he and Michael get along so well. He can’t imagine there is ever a lot of talking going on in their relationship, in Philip’s entire time of knowing him, Michael has never spoken a word to him.
Philip wonders if the way they came about was through touch, much like how they are now.
Whenever the four of them get together Philip can’t help but find himself staring at the two. Michael is always reaching for Jake’s hand whenever he’s near; palms will drag down backs, lingering touches on arms and faces and Michael is always pulling Jake in for a kiss whenever he seems to get the chance.
They’re always so affectionate with each other and Philip wonders if he’ll ever be able to do the same with his friend.
He wonders how it can be so easy for them… So easy for Michael.
How effortless it is to love someone without feeling like you’re going to hurt them. He doesn't think he’ll ever get an answer from Michael on what that's like.
But he wishes so hard that he knew.
“Hey,” a voice can be heard off in the distance and Philip is quickly shooting his eyes up. He’s met with a familiar face; soft features, coiled hair and a warm smile on her face.
“The shower is about to start and we were wondering if you still wanted to watch it with us?” she says to him, she’s holding on to her hands as she places them at the front of her body.
Philip had completely forgotten about the meteor shower that was going to happen tonight, it’s something that's been a recurring event within the realm of the Entity.
The moon will start to phase into a lunar eclipse and when it reaches its new moon stage there's a shower of falling debris into the atmosphere. It doesn’t happen often in the realm but Jake had been the one to figure it out and notice it first. He spends a lot of time deep in the forest away from the light pollution from the campfire, he gets a better view of the raw sky.
Philip is nodding to her as he stands up from the seated log somewhere deep in the evergreens, far away from the others. She hums in response before she’s speaking to him, but he can’t seem to focus on the words coming out of her mouth.
He’s too caught up in watching her hands move in quick motions in front of her face, she’s always been so animated when she talks and Philip is so caught up in the idea of reaching forward and grabbing on to her to hold.
He wonders if it would be too much if he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her for the first time.
Would she be okay with that?
Would she feel safe being held by someone who is nothing but a monster to this world?
His body twitches at the thought of it all, it feels like he’s standing behind a glass wall. He can feel his fists bruising from pounding to break through the barriers holding him back.
“We should get going,” she says to him. Philp can feel himself move without thought and his hand reaches out for her, but she doesn’t seem to notice because she’s turning away and taking a few steps forward.
She’s just out of reach and Philip can feel his hand freeze, the moment has passed and his hand drops to his side.
He watches her look back at him as she encourages him to hurry up, he’s hastily making his way over to her as they walk together in silence towards the opening where Jake and Michael are waiting for them.
It’s comforting to walk next to his friend like this, but his senses are heightened right now and it feels like he can feel the warmth of her body next to him with how close they are.
Philp can’t help but take a step to the side and he’s lucky that she doesn’t seem to notice his actions. The walk to their friends feels like eternity to him, he’s allowing his thoughts to spiral with every move he makes.
He wonders how he’s perceived to the others.
Do they see him in the same light he sees himself?
He wonders if he’s as bad as how his past makes him feel today.
He wishes he could be more like everyone else.
He wishes he was different.
He wishes he was as redeemable as the other killers in this world.
Philip can see their friends come into view, they’re both leaning up against a girthy red wood tree. Michael has his elbow resting somewhere near the top of Jake's head and Jake is slotted near Michaels chest.
He’s talking about something to Michael but Philp is too far away to hear what is being said to one another. He watches as Jake’s eyes turn towards them and his face moves into a small grin.
“I didn’t think you were ever coming back,” Jake teases his friend and Claudette is shaking her head with a disapproving chuckle.
“The walk isn’t exactly brief,” she responds as she’s using her thumb to point somewhere behind her.
“Oh, no!” She exclaims and Philip is looking over at her and watches as the bandage on her right hand is partially unraveled.
Philip feels himself lunging forward to help her, but Jake is as fast as their red headed friend and with a blink of an eye he’s standing in front of Claudette.
“Here, let me help” Jake says to her and Philip stands there and watches as he assists her in rebandaging her arm.
Philip stares intently as Jake is pulling the wrap around her hand, his hands dancing all over her limbs. Jake’s gloved fingers tracing the outlines of her palms, wrapping around her wrist and dragging along her soft skin.
Something about the action he’s watching stings a little.
He’s letting out a gentle sigh as he turns his eyes to focus on anything but the two in front of him. He watches as a crow nestles itself up in a tree far off in the distance and Philip wonders if that could ever be him someday.
“It would be nice if the Entity decided to remove this shit from us,” Jake says with a laugh as he finishes tying the end of her wrap.
“What do you mean?” Claudette quickly questions him.
“Y’know; your carpal tunnel, my tendonitis…” He says as he wiggles his left leg to make a point.
Claudette chuckles a bit as she places her hands on either side of her hips.
“When has the Entity ever done anything nice for us?” she adds with a hum and Philip watches as Jake juts out his bottom lip.
“Touché,” he replies.
The sky starts to darken and Claudette is letting out a loud gasp.
“It’s going to start!” she exclaims with a bit of a jump in her step.
Philip watches as Michael peels himself off from the tree and brings his hand out to Jake, Jake is quick to take it and Philip's eyes watch as their fingers interlock with each other and Michael is dragging Jake towards him.
Jake stumbles a bit at Michaels pull and he watches as Jake looks up at the taller man in front of him, chests pressing against each other. Jake is quick to slither his hand up Michaels chest towards the back of his neck and Philip watches as they lean into each other for an eager kiss.
Philip is quickly looking away in sorrow, he’s grabbing his left arm to gently rub as he tries to think about anything else but the physicality of everyone surrounding him.
The sting in his chest is surfacing again the more he thinks about it.
He’s not quite sure if it’s envy towards them or a desire to be able to do that. All he knows is the hurt that follows whenever he bears witness to any of it.
Philip looks up and watches as Claudette turns around and slowly walks her way over to him, that same comforting smile on her face that Philip knows all too well.
“Are you excited?” she questions him as she turns her body and stands next to his right side.
Philip can’t find it in him to respond, he doesn’t even feel like looking at her.
There’s a bit of silence before she decided to speak again.
“Are you okay?” she asks him, her voice is dripping with concern and worry and Philip doesn’t like the feeling it’s giving him.
He doesn’t want his friend to worry about the doubts he has in himself, he wonders why someone as wonderful as her would care so much about someone like him.
He’s quickly turning his head over to her and carefully smiles in her direction and his actions seem to be a good enough answer because she is returning the smile and turning her head towards the sky.
Philip follows her movements and looks up at the black blanket covering the world around them, he can see a little twinkling off in the distance and it doesn’t take long before the sky is filled with streaks of bright white.
The sight is mesmerizing and Philip can feel it easing his mind a little. He thinks about what's on display in front of him.
Meteors are nothing but cosmic debris, they float around space without a purpose and it isn’t until they make their way through earth’s atmosphere do they make such a beautiful sight.
Philip wonders if he could be something similar; he’s not sure if he was ever worth something before being taken, much like a meteor he feels like he’s floating in a place with no cause.
He feels himself holding back from everyone around him and he wonders if he takes that plunge and breaks through that glass he’s kept himself hidden behind, will he shine as bright as the celestial event he’s watching before him.
Philip finds himself taking a glance at his friend standing next to him, she’s staring off into the sky and he can see the falling light in the reflection of her eyes.
Claudette has always been one to see the good in other people and Philip wonders why he doubts himself with how she sees him.
His eyes follow down her body and he stares at the hand dangling at her side, he can feel his hand twitch as he reaches forward towards hers. He barely ghosts his fingers over hers before he’s quickly recoiling in hesitation.
He can feel himself pounding on that glass, he feels like he can see his reflection in front of him.
That’s someone he used to know…
But he’s not that person anymore.
Philip sucks in a breath and without any more fear he watches as his hand shatters the space between them and he’s reaching out to his friend to hold.
He can feel her body stutter against his palm and he quickly looks back up at the cosmic shower in front of him.
He’s letting out a quiet sigh.
He did it.
Nothing bad happened.
He’s touching her for the first time.
He finds himself far too nervous to look over at her, his heart is racing just a bit too fast for his liking but the instant relief of finally being able to connect with his friend in such a way feels a lot more healing than he ever imagined.
There's a bit of stiffness in his body and he can feel her squeeze his hand a little tighter. Something about it is comforting, she’s always been that way to him. Only a moment later does he feel her gently resting her head under the side of his right shoulder.
Philip thinks that things might be different from now on, he’s overcome something that he feels has been holding him back from those he surrounds himself with.
He thinks that maybe this is a step in the right direction, a step in a place he’s unfamiliar with but wanting to explore, he thinks that this a step towards showing his friends just how much he cares.