Chapter Text
Friday 10 October, 2014
Dan doesn’t even know why he decided to pick up the phone that day. As an introverted millennial with low-key phone anxiety, he was as likely to pick up the phone as he was to meet the Queen at his local Sainsbury's. Hell, for once in his life, he didn’t have the phone on silent mode, for some unimaginable reason. When did he even turn it off?
It was a Friday afternoon. He had the day off, since his only lecture had been moved to the next week. Something about a sick professor – Dan hadn't paid attention. He had decided to make most of the day, by waking up at noon and spending the afternoon in bed. He had only gotten up briefly to make breakfast and coffee.
He had just finished breakfast when the phone rang. He almost spilled coffee all over both himself, the computer, and the bed as he jumped in surprise at the unfamiliar noise. He put his coffee mug down and scrambled around him for his phone. Just the sound of his ringtone made his heart race. When he found the phone, half-shoved under the pillow, he was out of breath – because of the anxiety or the physical activity, he didn't know.
The phone screen lit up. “Unknown”, it said on the display, which almost always meant bad news. Another reason for why he couldn't understand what made him accept the call. He could only blame the lack of caffeine and his racing heart.
“Hello?”
“Hello, how are you today?” said the person on the other end of the line. His voice had a smile to it (if that was something you could hear), and he had a slight northern accent Dan couldn’t place.
“Fine, thank you,” he replied automatically, while still trying to process his decision to pick up in the first place.
“Great!” the caller said. “I’m calling because your IP address has been compromised. I’ll just need you to get in front of the computer so we can get your account fixed.”
Dan blinked. He should have just hung up then and there, yet he continued down the line of terrible choices, and said, “Is that honestly best you can do?”
The scam caller paused, seemingly at a loss for words.
“My ‘IP address has been compromised’?” he continued, wondering what in the world had gotten into him. “How, exactly, does an IP address become ‘compromised’?” If his head had been a little clearer, he might have recognised his actions as his unhealthy coping mechanism in the face of uncomfortable situations – jokes, sarcasm and irony.
The scam caller didn’t reply immediately, but took a moment, as if considering Dan's words. “Why did you answer?” he asked eventually.
Now it was Dan’s turn to be taken aback, and he stared blankly at the coffee mug at his night stand for a moment. “What?”
“If you knew this wasn’t a legitimate call, then why did you answer?”
Dan looked up from the coffee mug in surprise, not expecting the caller to go out of character. “I, eh...” he trailed off. Why did he answer? The chance of a call from an unknown number being anything other than a prank or fraud was slim. He hadn’t known it would be a scam call when he picked up the phone, but the moment the person opened their mouth, he knew. Why hadn't he hung up? He could have. He considered it.
“I didn’t expect talking to anyone today if I’m being honest. You were just unfortunate enough to have called me on my day off,” Dan said, feeling very unsure about the whole thing. Still, he couldn’t quite get himself to hang up.
“Unfortunate? You picking up is not an unfortune for me.” The scammer sounded unbothered.
“Well, you aren’t accomplishing your goal, are you?”
“My goal?”
“Your goal of scamming my elderly grandmother. You’re not accomplishing that. I’d call that unfortunate.” He didn’t even know what he was saying at this point, but he was in too deep in to turn back now.
“Well, can I scam you?”
Dan blinked.
What.
“Did you… did you just ask if you could scam me?”
“Yes. Can I scam you?” he repeated.
“… sure, you can try,” Dan replied, baffled.
The confirmed scam caller didn’t even hesitate. “You need to get in front of your computer.”
“Yeah, that’s still a problem. My coffee is getting cold, you see, and I really don’t feel like getting up.”
“Okay. I will call you later, then.”
“What makes you think I’m going to answer? And my grandma definitely won’t.”
“You answered today.”
Dan couldn’t help his lip twitching into a half-smile. “Touché.”
“I will call you later. Have a good day.”
The call ended.
Dan let the hand holding his phone fall into his lap with a relieved sigh. He stared down at the phone screen. Call ended (01:50), it said for a short moment, before shifting back to his lock screen. He turned off the screen and reached for his coffee again.
He took a sip, trying to process what just happened. What even was that? Who was that? Was he being serious?
Dan couldn’t help it; he started laughing. He had never had a more surreal phone conversation in his life. Was he for real? Dan couldn’t help but wonder if the scammer had been trolling him, or if he was actually being serious. He wouldn't blame him if he was trolling. Dan hadn't been very polite. Not that he deserved Dan's courtesy, he reminded himself; the man had tried to scam him for money.
In the end, it didn’t matter much. He doubted the scammer would attempt to contact him again, and having to waste time on a person who obviously wouldn’t fall for the fraud. What good would it do either of them?
Dan opened his phone again, opening the telephone app. Incoming call, 1 min 50 sec, the log said. His thumb hovered over the “block” option, but he hesitated. He shook his head. This was stupid. The caller wouldn’t call again. He tapped the Home button before locking the screen and throwing the phone beside him on the bed.
Yet, he couldn’t help the small, intrigued part of him that wanted the scam caller to call back. He shook his head at the thought. Maybe he had become a bit too deprived of social contact.
The scam caller didn’t call again. Not later that day, and not the next day either. Dan hadn’t put his phone back on silent mode, feeling the slightest bit of disappointment every time he got a notification. Which was ridiculous. Dan was being ridiculous. He didn’t even know this person’s name.
He ended up spending the day on his phone, rather than his computer as he might have otherwise, having nothing else to do on a Saturday afternoon. He spent his time going through various notifications, of which there weren’t many. Most of his social media accounts were at least partially on mute.
Dan couldn’t explain it, but he wanted the scammer to call back, feeling oddly non-anxious about the prospect of the hypothetical phone conversation. It was stupid, but he couldn’t help himself. He was intrigued. Why would the person ask if he could scam Dan, as if he was asking him about something trivial, like what kind of coffee he liked? What was the story? Did he mean it, or was it a joke? Payback for the way Dan had held him up? Perhaps the scam caller simply was that stupid, believing that Dan would actually let himself be scammed.
By 4 p.m., Dan had given up hope, and with nothing else to do, he abandoned his phone in favour of his laptop and opened Twitter in a new tab.
Dan Howell
@danisnotonfire
had the weirdest phone conversation of my life a scam caller literally asked me if they could scam me even though we both knew it was a scam
4:06 PM ∙ 11 Oct 2014
He gave a satisfied huff when his tweet just hit character limit. He clicked on the Tweet button, and the post went public. He sunk down into the sofa cushions, scrolling down his feed. His post got a few likes as well as some comments throughout the day, mostly from people he didn't really know.
He scrolled through the replies, and opted out of replying to any of them. Tweeting had always felt like shouting into the void, not a dialogue.
Dan spent the rest of the day browsing the internet, only getting up to make some dinner and a new cup of coffee. (and to check his phone even though he didn’t get a single call) He had an awkward conversation with one of the people he shared kitchen with, who asked about his exams. He gave her a vague answer, and asked “and you?”, getting an equally vague answer in return.
The weekend passed, and Dan hadn’t so much as gotten a text message, as if he needed another reminder of his non-existent social life. He did, however, get an email from the university, announcing that a performer from the London Palladium would have a guest lecture later that week, which he was quite excited about. (and how tragic mustn’t your life be when the most exciting thing to happen on a weekend is school-related)
Dan dragged himself to lecture Monday morning, dreading it. It was one of few purely theoretical classes he had this year, his final year. It wasn't that bad, really – Dan liked most of his subjects – but why did it have to be Monday morning?
After going to bed 3 a.m. since last Thursday, getting up at 7 was pure hell. The room he rented was pretty far away from the university, so that meant getting up even earlier than he had had to when he still lived in the halls of residence on campus. He missed living closer to the school, but he couldn't say he missed sharing a bathroom with seven strangers.
Class dragged on longer than he would have liked, and when he finally got out of there, he contemplated going home for a nap before his next one, 30-minutes bus drive be damned. However, before he even made a decision, his phone pinged, for the first time since Saturday.
PJ (10:15 AM): You on campus?
Dan entertained the option of telling him no for a brief moment, but decided against it. He didn't need sleep that bad, and he didn’t want to lie. Besides, he hadn't seen PJ much this semester, and he kind of missed him.
Dan (10:16 AM): yeah
PJ (10:16 AM): Great, meet up for lunch?
Dan (10:17 AM): sure
PJ (10:17 AM): Usual spot?
Dan (10:17 AM): sounds good
He grabbed his rucksack and hurried across campus. It had started raining, and Dan hadn't thought to bring his umbrella in the morning haste. When he got to the bakery, PJ was already there, waiting outside.
“You didn't have to wait for me, you know,” Dan said.
“Good to see you, too,” PJ said with a grin.
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Dan said sheepishly. “How are you?”
“I'm good, and you?”
“Same old.”
They went inside and got their orders, before finding a table further in. They hung the wet jackets across the back of the chairs. Well, Dan's wet jacket, and PJ's perfectly dry one. Unlike Dan, he had thought ahead and brought an umbrella.
“So, what have you been up to these past few weeks?” PJ asked.
“Oh, you know. Lectures, revising. Started working on a shitty group assignment. Video games. Contemplating life and my own meek existence.”
PJ raised an eyebrow.
“How about you?” Dan said with exaggerated enthusiasm.
PJ snorted. “We're started individual projects last week. Not much going on right now, but I imagine the pace will pick up as Christmas approaches.”
“Probably.”
They chatted about university, Dan complaining about the group project and PJ dreading his upcoming one.
“There isn’t any overlapping project this year,” PJ commented after a while.
“Yeah, I noticed. They encourage us to work with the students on other courses, but they don't make it easy.”
The two of them had met at the University for the Creative Arts in Surrey, after Dan had decided to pursue something that actually interested him, having dropped out of law school the year before. He had ended up taking a Bachelor in Acting & Performance, embracing his inner theatre kid. There, he met PJ, who was studying Digital Film and Screen Arts. The two courses had had some overlapping project their first year, during which they had become friends.
“I miss working with you, it was really fun,” said PJ.
“Yeah.”
“Actually, about that,” PJ said and crossed his arms on the table, letting it support his weight. “I'm planning a new short film for YouTube. Would you like to be in it?”
Dan lit up. “Sure," he grinned.
PJ laughed. “You're not even gonna ask what kind of film it is before agreeing?”
“Don't need to,” Dan shrugged. “Nothing you can do will surprise me at this point. I'm up for whatever weird shit your mind has come up with.”
“Well, in that case,” PJ said and leaned back in his seat, “I won't say anything.”
“Hey. I said 'need to', not 'want to'. Spill!”
“Nah-ah.”
“Rude.”
“Says you.”
Dan smirked.
“You're not even sorry,” said PJ in mock offence.
“Nope.”
They burst out in laugher, getting annoyed glances from the other customers. Dan stifled his laugh and smiled apologetically at one of them, but feared it came across as just awkward. They tried to keep their voices down for the rest of their stay, with questionable success.
When Dan got home after his last class of the day, he slumped down on the sofa, exhausted. PJ and he had sat at the café until Dan’s next class, in which he had to deal with his group for the project. He was torn between not wanting to interact with the group at all and wanting to take control of things so the project didn't go to hell. In the end, he ended up arguing more than he would have liked, and probably pissed off half the group.
The rest of the day passed without much notice. His phone which he had yet to set on silent mode did not ring.
Tuesday 14 October
It all changed on Tuesday.
Dan was woken up by a ringing noise way too early in the morning (well, calling it "morning" still might be a stretch). He didn't have any more morning classed this week, which meant that he could wake up at noon, for better or worse. Being a night owl, it was heaven not having to wake up at 7 a.m. every day, but turning his sleep schedule completely upside down wasn’t ideal. In his sleepy state, he wondered briefly if he had changed his alarm sound.
With a groan half-muffled by the pillow, he turned around to locate his phone. He squinted at the too bright screen. The first thing he saw was the red and green of the answer and hang up buttons, and he realised that the ringing was the ring tone he hardly ever got to hear. The second thing he noticed was the caller ID, which only said “Unknown”.
Dan’s breath hitched. It couldn’t be… could it?
Sitting up in his bed, he swiped to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hi! How are you today?” a familiar voice asked. Dan couldn’t help but smile.
“I’m fine,” he said.
“…Did I wake you up?”
“Would you care if I said yes?”
“It’s 11, why are you still in bed?”
“Gaming until 4 a.m.?” Why was he telling him this?
“Well, it’s good you’re up now, at least.” He sounded amused. “We have detected a virus on your computer. Don’t worry, it’s not gonna take long to get rid of, I just need you get on your computer, and we’ll take it from there.”
Dan paused. “Are you serious?”
“Dead,” said the caller.
“I don’t believe you,” said Dan.
“You should. This virus isn’t removing itself.”
Dan stared into the opposing wall for a moment. This was ridiculous. “Ok. Let me get my computer.”
“I’ll wait.”
His PC lay on the floor beside his bed, where he had abandoned it the night before. He just managed to get it from where he was laying quite comfortably under the covers.
“Ok, I have my computer now.”
“Great!” said the caller. “Now, open a new tab in your browser. Any browser is fine.”
Dan opened a new window. “Okay.”
“Then write this into the URL field: h, t, t, p, colon, slash, slash,” he begun, then listed a sketchy-sounding domain and an even more sketchy-sounding string of letters and numbers.
“Mate, I’m not going to go to some dodgy link,” Dan cut him off. “If I didn’t have a virus before, I definitely will have after that.”
“I assure you it’s perfectly safe,” said the caller.
“Yeah, right,” said Dan.
The line went silent for a short moment. “Maybe not,” the caller said eventually (in what dan could have sworn was an amused tone).
He snorted. “Right, glad we’re on the same page.”
“Not yet! If you would have follow the link, then we could talk.”
Dan couldn’t help himself. He laughed. “That was terrible.”
“But you laughed, didn’t you, so who’s the real winner?”
“I... you got me there.”
And for the first time, the person on the other side laughed. (dan thought it was a lovely sound)
“Who are you anyway?”
“I’m Phil.”
“Dan.”
“Well, Dan, however nice it was talking to you, I have more people to call.”
“Aw, I thought we had something special, are you telling me there are others?”
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
The caller – Phil – snickered. “Got to go, talk to you later,” he said, and the call ended. The end call beep seemed to echo in Dan's mind, even after he put the phone down.