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Sugawara stared down at his half-full cup of water, legs dangling from the counter and torso sagging against the wall behind him. He dipped two fingers into the cup and pressed them roughly around his eyes —a rather silly attempt to push away the tiredness and the pounding behind his temples that threatened to knock him out at any minute.
He was alone. Alone in the kitchen, at least, the rumbling from the living room a constant reminder of how full the house still was. His friends were probably there, too. He sighed and rolled the cup carefully between his palms, pondering how unlikely it would be for him to ever hold anything similar to that party at his own place. Sure, he had invited friends over several times, had used the yard for team meetings in the past, but a post-graduation celebration like that would push him beyond limits no amount of extroversion could justify. The mere thought of having anything to clean up nearly made him groan out loud. All he wanted to do was get home and pass out on his bed.
"There you are."
Sugawara turned slightly towards the door and smiled at his friend, missing by a second the relieved sigh Sawamura let out before closing the door behind him. "Asahi and I were looking for you."
"Where is he?" he asked, caught off guard by the drag in his own voice.
"He had to leave" the other explained, walking in his direction. "His sister was calling. But he asked me to say goodbye for him when I found you."
Sugawara hummed and leaned back to let his head rest on the wall, closing his eyes for a few seconds before staring at Sawamura. The brunet stared down at his cup.
"I think you've had enough" he sighed, a hint of humor in his tone.
"It's water" Sugawara tilted the cup towards his friend. "I'm trying to sober up a little before I go home."
"Good" Sawamura smiled again, lips upturned on one side and eyebrows pulled together in both sympathy and pity. "Maybe you should eat something, too."
"Not hungry."
"Just a little. It will help." Sugawara shook his head, immediately regretting the movement. "Please."
"Daichi, sorry, I'm really, really not-"
"A loaf of bread?" he tried again. "Half. Half a loaf of bread."
Sugawara chuckled. "Where did you even see bread?"
Sawamura tapped twice on the counter as if saying 'I'll be right back' and slid to the side, opening the fridge. "Bingo."
He grabbed a packet of white bread and carefully undid the knot before pulling out a slice. "Here."
"Stealing bread from strangers. I didn’t think you had it in you" he reached out to take the slice. "Thanks."
"Sato's not a stranger. I helped him study biology last semester. Let's say this is how he repays me."
Sugawara giggled again and pulled a small piece of bread, forcing it into his mouth despite his stomach's protests. "Do you want some?"
"I've eaten" Sawamura let his lower back rest on the counter, arms crossed in front of his chest. "And I feel like you need it way more than I do."
"Do I look that bad?"
"A little" he chuckled. "You also sound pretty drunk, Suga. Let me get you some more water."
Sugawara felt the other tug at the cup in his hands and loosened his fingers. The thought of actually raising his arm to get the water himself was exhausting, his headache getting worse by the second. Blaming it on the lights, he tilted his head downwards and had just rested his eyelids when something warm and heavy pressed against his body. Eyes now blown open, he stared down at his friend, one hand still gripping at the counter and the other reaching out for the sink, Sawamura's torso weighing on his own and hips settled between his legs. He swallowed and, slightly disoriented, opened his mouth for words that never came.
"Here" Sawamura handed him the full cup, features relaxed and tone even as always. "Are you okay?"
"Y-yeah... Yeah, thanks" Sugawara could feel his face heat up. He took two big sips and silently prayed the water would cool away any trace of warmth from his cheeks. Sawamura's eyes widened for a split second and he took a step back, only now seeming aware of the amount of physical contact he had just imposed. Maybe he is not that sober after all, Sugawara thought to himself.
"I... I, um..." the brunet stared at the floor. "When are you going home?"
"Hum... I'm not sure" he mumbled. "As soon as I look decent, and I don't really know when that's gonna be" he chuckled lightly, but Sawamura remained serious, almost pouting. Sugawara shrugged and let his eyelids drop again, still sensitive to the artificial lighting. "I just don't want my parents to see me like this, you know? I mean, by now they should be asleep, but I still don't really feel like risking it..."
"I see".
Even half-conscious, Sugawara knew Sawamura understood. He had to. After three years of friendship, of late study sessions almost every week and endless movie nights at least twice a month, Sawamura had witnessed enough to know how strict Sugawara's parents could be. Strict, traditional, old-fashioned, whatever one chose to name it, but also incredibly overbearing. Controlling, he would say. He had witnessed far too many times for his liking how his best friend would act around his parents, how his voice got a tad more high-pitched, how he would measure his words and press his lips together apprehensively after speaking while waiting for their reactions. Sawamura wouldn't say they were bad people, but seeing Sugawara's fun, laid-back attitude shift into that shower of politeness and formalities as soon as he stepped through the front door never sat right with him.
"It shouldn't take long..." the silver-haired boy muttered, voice getting lower and lower with each word.
"Keep your eyes open. At least until you sober up a little" he frowned at the slice left barely eaten on Sugawara's thigh. "And finish at least half of the bread. That's what we agreed on."
Sugawara snorted internally. Even after graduating high school, the captain attitude was still there. "When are you going home?"
"Honestly... Right now, I think. Do you want to come with me?"
"What?"
"I think you should. You're in no condition to go home by yourself, and even if you got there safe, I know it could still get ugly with your parents. Stay over at my place."
Sugawara pondered for a second and smiled. "Thanks, Daichi, but I'm good. I don't want to cause you any trouble..."
"My dad's out of town. He's helping my aunt move. And my mom, I can assure you she'll be asleep" the silver-hired boy still seemed unconvinced. "And, honestly, even if she saw you, she wouldn't really care. She might be worried, and she might make you eat something, but I swear she won't be mad or tell your parents."
The kitchen fell silent for a moment. Sugawara blinked slowly a couple of times, the engines in his brain almost visible as he once again pondered the offer. There wasn't much to gain from going home alone, mugging reports having spiked the last month on top of the three-hour long lecture he might get from his parents, but he still didn't like the idea of causing his best friend or his mother any trouble. Not only that, but the possibility of Sawamura's young siblings seeing him in that state was anything but encouraging. He had a reputation to maintain there.
"But, Daichi-"
"We have extra toothbrushes there. I can lend you some clothes to sleep. It's gonna be fine" he inspected the shorter's face for approval. "Text your parents. Tomorrow, you can tell them you were afraid of being robbed or something..."
Sugawara half-smiled. "Are you sure it's okay?"
"Absolutely" the brunet beamed, relieved. "So, is it okay if we leave right now?"
"Sure. Let me just-" he mumbled, using his legs to pull himself to the edge of the counter and jump off. As soon as his feet hit the ground, Sugawara could feel his knees bend, all the strength or control he normally had over his body gone. Sawamura was quick to wrap one arm around his torso and hold him upright. "Thanks."
"As if you could go home like this. Jeez, Suga" he sneered under his breath. Sugawara frowned slightly at the other's tone, but with most of his weight completely supported by him he could tell where the frustration came from.
"I said I was gonna wait until I sobered up."
"Something tells me that isn't going to happen anytime soon" Sawamura sighed. "Okay, you good? Let's go."
They stumbled out of the kitchen and into the living room. Even if he was practically dragging himself across the wooden floor instead of taking proper steps, walking made Sugawara feel even dizzier than before and he feared he might throw up before they reached the door. He swallowed and took deep breaths, eyes nearly closed and head rested on the crook of Sawamura's neck for some sort of stability. His friend smelled mostly like cologne and laundry detergent, but all enveloped by that distinct woody scent one could also feel as soon as they'd entered his house. It was comforting, grounding.
Focusing entirely on putting one leg in front of the other, he became aware of how they would sometimes slow down and how people around them would mutter questions, to which Sawamura would answer with quick nods Sugawara could feel against the top of his head. By the concern in their tones, it was likely that his former classmates wanted to ask if he was okay. That was a little embarrassing, especially since it might be the last time some of them saw him before moving for college or work, but at the same time it was somewhat relieving. No explanations to give the next Monday, no teasings or jokes to have to deal with during class.
Sugawara swallowed. It was relieving, yes, but also melancholic. He subconsciously moved a bit closer to his best friend, who, perhaps assuming he needed more support, tightened the grip around his torso. "Are you awake there?"
"Very funny."
"Just making sure. Keep your eyes open."
The mild reprehension in Sawamura's tone was beginning to annoy him, but he made an effort to remember it stemmed from a place of concern. It was also difficult to be mad at his friend when he was doing so much already to keep him safe and out of trouble. Sugawara cursed himself internally —how could he have been so careless? It wasn't like he'd been born just the previous day, like he didn't know what that amount of alcohol would do to him or how his parents would react. Still, he hadn't been able to finish his glass once the entire night before getting another refill. Being so close to his best friends would normally lift his moods, but in that particular night seeing them laugh and chat so freely only brought him an uncomfortable weight on his chest, a feeling of impending doom and gloomy, anticipated nostalgia he didn't want and didn't know how to process. It felt like staring at a framed picture instead of reality, and the only effective way he could find to ease those thoughts and emotions was muffling them completely with cheap alcohol.
"Did Asahi go home alone?" Sugawara asked as they made their way down the street.
"Yeah, but he's home already. I asked him to text me" Sawamura pulled up his phone to show the message and Sugawara wanted to curse at how bright the screen was. He just hummed and squeezed his eyes shut.
They could have left together, the three of them. Sugawara cursed himself again, aware his sudden disappearance was the reason why Azumane had to go home alone. He just wanted to freshen up a bit and get away from the noise, but that ended up putting his friend's safety at risk. Maybe it was just an overreaction from his uncensored, emotional, intoxicated brain, but at that very moment he missed Azumane so much he could cry.
The rest of the walk to Sawamura's place was rather silent, except for occasional directions and "be careful's" from the brunet. Sugawara obeyed blindly, almost falling asleep on his feet and pondering how bad it wold be to lay down on a bench and forget all his problems until the next morning. That idea was beginning to seem quite reasonable when they finally stopped by the house's large wooden door.
They made it inside, and Sugawara was almost blown aback by the intensity of the scent. The whole place smelled like Sawamura, that much he knew already, but had it ever been so strong? Lightheaded, he clung to his best friend as they removed their shoes and made their way to the bedroom. Sawamura closed the door behind and they both sighed in relief. Mrs. Sawamura might not get mad or offended by Sugawara's state, but neither of them had the energy to do anything other than get changed and go to bed.
"Here" Sawamura gave him a pair of sweatpants and a light blue shirt. "Sit on the bed to get changed, ok? I'll go get you a toothbrush."
"Mkay" Sugawara ran his fingers softly over the fabric. "Thanks, Daichi."
Looking down at those clothes, he missed the brief smile the other gave him before he left the bedroom. Now alone, the silver-haired boy removed his shirt and pants and placed them carefully by the bed frame. His friend's clothes felt incredibly soft and comfortable despite being a bit oversized. They smelled strongly of detergent, but faintly of him nonetheless.
"Found one. How do you feel about dinosaurs?" the taller handed him a children's toothbrush and a face towel.
"Love them" Sugawara chuckled, inspecting the colorful package of the toothbrush that was probably bought for one of Sawamura's little brothers. "Thanks."
His friend helped him get to the sink and left to get changed, only asking him not to lock the door before leaving. Sugawara brushed his teeth and washed his face before staring into his reflection. His eyes looked dull, cheeks still a bit red, hair disheveled and strands sticking out at weird spots. Being surrounded by a crowd while drunk wasn't pleasant, but being alone and seeing himself like this was even worse. He looked pathetic. He was pathetic. He had worried his friends, he made Sawamura, who was likely exhausted, practically carry him home, share his clothes and the comfort of his bedroom. He could easily have been caught by his own parents and given a lecture that could have lasted until sunrise, he could have fallen asleep on poor Sato's kitchen, and on top of all that was Azumane leaving alone. His reflection made him sick, the drunk flush a shameful reminder of careless he had been. How selfish and stupid one had to be to risk so many things just because they couldn't deal with their own fears and emotions? With that question in mind, he sighed and texted his parents:
I'm staying over at Daichi's.
It was closer. I'm fine.
See you tomorrow.
Goodnight.
As soon as the messages were delivered, he put his phone on airplane mode. He'd deal with anything tomorrow.
"You okay in there?" Sawamura asked, knocking lightly on the door.
"Yeah. Yeah, come in."
He opened the door. The brunet was wearing simple sleeping clothes, just a white t-shirt and dark-blue sweatpants that Sugawara had seen him in dozens of times over the course of the last three years, but he still couldn't help but notice how the white fabric contrasted with his tanned skin. It looked nice, really nice. His hair was ruffled up too, not quite noticeable since Sawamura kept it very short, but it was still oddly refreshing. He looked more relaxed like that than he did at school, the always put-together class 4 student.
"Are you ready?" Sugawara nodded. "Okay, let me help you."
"It's fine, I can walk already"
"Just in case" he said, fingers wrapping lightly around Sugawara's upper arm. They walked out of the bathroom. "Do you mind sharing the bed? The guest futon is in my mom's bedroom."
They had shared beds several times since their first year of high school. Besides last-minute sleepovers after long study sessions, their upperclassmen would often invite the team over for the weekend and have the younger ones share blankets —or make do with towels. He was used to how much space Sawamura took by refusing to sleep in any position other than flat on his back, and the other seemed to have come to terms with how Sugawara would always pull most of the covers for himself. He lifted the blankets and slid to the side. "Sure, no problem."
"I'll be right back" the brunet said before heading back to the bathroom.
Sugawara hummed and heard the lock click. Alone again, he took a deep breath and let his gaze wander around. Sawamura was ridiculously organized, and his bedroom had barely changed since the first time he saw it three years ago. He still owned the same simple furniture, the same family pictures and metallic pencil holders, though there were some new portraits on his shelves. One of them Sugawara had already seen —it was a photo taken of them along with Azumane and Kiyoko on the shrine. There was also a photo of their team, all red and sweaty and wearing those disgusting neon vests he now missed for the first and hopefully last time in his life.
It was over, really over, wasn't it?
Shit.
"Are you still awake?" Sawamura asked, leaving the bathroom. Sugawara hummed affirmatively. "Is it okay if I turn off the lights?"
"Sure."
The room was almost pitch black with the blinds shut. Sugawara could hear the covers being lifted and feel the mattress lower under Sawamura's weight as he laid by his side. Both remained silent for a moment, and at some point Sugawara considered just closing his eyes and drifting off, but he knew he wouldn't forgive himself later.
"Thank you, Daichi."
He heard the other shift lightly by his side. With his eyes gradually adjusting to darkness, he could begin to trace the outer lines of Sawamura's silhouette. His eyes were shining very subtly under the scarce rays of moonlight that came through the blinds, so subtly Sugawara almost felt like their glow was just a product of his imagination. He stared directly at them for a while, and he could tell Sawamura was staring back by the immobility of those little sparks. Part of him was aware of the growing intensity of the eye-contact, of how mortified he would be to stare at him or at anyone for that long under any other circumstance, but at that very moment, with the dim lightning, with the warmth between their nearly-brushing arms and the silence and the lingering fog in his still sobering brain, that interaction felt comfortable. Necessary, even —necessary because each other's eyes were the easiest things to locate in the dark, because they were like anchors, keeping them grounded and awake for a little longer so they could finally talk.
"No need to thank me."
The end of each word lingered like a soft echo in his mind, Sawamura's tone tracing down his arms like the stroke of fingertips. He could count in less than two hands the number of times he had witnessed his best friend use that tone, that very tone that was gentle and low and almost hesitant, standing right between a whisper and a mutter and that was almost comically different from the assertiveness he had incorporated as the volleyball team's captain. It felt good to be on the receiving end of that tone, to know that other side of his best friend that remained hidden from most.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble."
"You didn't."
"I know I did. I really didn't mean to. I don't know why I was so stupid, I should have known..."
"Stop. Just stop, Suga" he sighed, voice regaining its usual firmness. "I'm telling you it's no big deal. Honestly, I'm just a little worried about you. Is... Is there anything bothering you?"
Sugawara swallowed and sighed, laying flat on his back and gazing up at the ceiling. It all felt quite intimate —the darkness, the whispering, the way how their arms now pressed very lightly against each other—, and maybe it was that or maybe it was the alcohol, but he was unusually excited to open up.
"Kind of? I don't know. I think it's just what everyone's feeling, it's nothing serious... Just..." he sighed again, thankful Sawamura was letting him take his time without pushing. "I just wish we had a little more time, you know? I don't know if I'm ready to move on. I don't know if I want that."
The other hummed.
"It's just so fucked up..." he continued, heartbeat rising. "How we have to keep changing, from elementary school to middle school and then high school and then college and then work... And then you get fired and have to find another job, or maybe you get promoted and start working with different people, or you have move and all that crap... Like, how does one form bounds like this? When does it ever stop? I get married and have kids and those are supposed to be the only people I can keep close for the rest of my life?"
"We can stay in touch. We will. We're both staying in Miyagi. Asahi too."
"Everyone says that, Daichi, but it's never like that. Maybe you'll get this amazing job opportunity and move cities. Maybe Asahi will marry someone from, I don't know, Italy, and then he just goes to live there. Maybe I'll move. I mean, it's not like we can predict that. How many friends from school do your parents still hang out with?"
Sawamura opened his mouth to reply, but pressed his lips together after a few seconds, defeated. Sugawara took his silence as enough of an answer. "See? That's what I mean." He paused for a moment and rubbed his temples. "Fuck, were humans ever supposed to live like this? Like drifting away is expected, like groups are supposed to be temporary..."
"Don't you want to meet new people?"
Sugawara could feel his throat begin to tighten. Maybe he should have just gone to sleep and saved the gratitude for the following morning. "Of course I do! I want to travel, I want to try new things and explore the world and all of that, but I'd like to have somewhere to call home, too. And by home I don't mean just a bunch of people who share my blood. I mean people who I care about and who I know care about me, people I can trust and laugh with, and I feel like I've already found those people. Is it a bad thing that I don't want to let go of that just yet?"
The bedroom was silent again. For a moment, Sugawara considered the brunet might have fallen asleep. It stung, but maybe it was for the best.
"Sorry. I'm drunk, I don't know what I'm saying. Goodnight, Daichi" he turned to face the wall.
He felt a warm grip on his shoulder. "Wait."
Sugawara closed his eyes and swallowed, stiffening his body so the other’s light tugging wouldn't be enough turn away from the wall.
"Are you crying?" that tone again. That stupid tone. Sugawara swallowed one more time and took a deep breath, his exhale embarrassingly shaky. He wasn't aware he'd begun to cry. His throat was tight and his face was warm and his chest felt heavy, but his eyes didn't sting like they normally would when he teared up. He had to run a finger across his cheek to realize the skin there was, in fact, damp with tears.
"No" he lied, though his voice instantly gave it away. "Just forget about it. I'm drunk, this is just me being stupid."
Sawamura kept his gentle squeeze on Sugawara's shoulder and moved a tad closed, chest now almost touching the latter's back. "It's not stupid, Suga."
"Immature, then. Whatever. Just let it go."
"It isn't" he exhaled and softened his grip. "Or, well, maybe it is, but I think about that, too."
You do?, Sugawara wanted to ask, but he knew the next time he opened his mouth a sob would escape. He shifted a bit to the side and hoped Sawamura understood.
"I was thinking about it the other day. That, if I had a girlfriend and we made it through high school, I know my parents and probably her parents would encourage us to think about going to university in the same city. It would be expected for us to plan a future together and all. But if I ever considered doing that for a friend, everyone would think I'd lost my mind."
Sugawara sniffled, a wide smile on his face. "Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I mean!"
He turned around completely, having forgotten Sawamura was also turned in his direction and quite closed to him. For a split second, he could feel the tingling of their noses brushing. Sugawara froze completely, and he could tell the other had been caught off guard as well with how his breath hitched. He had to say something. He had to back away. He had to, he knew he had to, and he knew every second he remained in that position made in exponentially worse, he knew it and knew it so well he was practically screaming inside his head, but he couldn't move. It was like he'd lost control over his body. All he could do was breathe, the air in and out as softly as he could, Sawamura's shy exhaled so close to him he could smell the sweet mintiness of his toothpaste.
Why wasn't Sawamura backing off either?
He heard a soft shift over the brunet's pillow. Something soft pressed against his lips.
His heart thumped hard against his chest. He was being kissed. His best friend was kissing him.
A million thoughts raced through his mind, like explosions, loud and dangerous and so brief he could barely follow before another emerged. He blinked and blinked again and Sawamura’s lips were still there, real, materialized and pressed gently and intentionally to his own. When the soft, warm feeling against his mouth disappeared, Sugawara almost felt cold. He blinked a few more times, not entirely sure it hadn't been just an extremely realistic dream.
The mattress shifted as Sawamura began to sit down. "I'm... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Suga. I-I'll sleep in the living room, please, you don't have to leave-"
"Daichi" he held the other's wrist and sat up as well. "It's okay."
He stared into his friend's eyes. His eyes had adjusted a bit to the dark, and he could now see the other's parted lips and how his dark eyebrows came together in concern. That face was so familiar. More than that, it was comforting. It was the face whose approval he'd strived for relentlessly in the last three years, the face that had often carried the first smile he saw every single day, the eyes that would always be the first to notice something was wrong with him and to stare intently when he finally decided to open up. He loved that face, and he loved his best friend. It hadn't really occurred to him that he could love Sawamura like more than just that, and even there, chest rising and falling rapidly as he sat on his bed and lips still wet with his saliva, Sugawara was still unsure he ever could. Still, somehow, that didn't seem to matter. In the darkness and the steady silence of that bedroom, with the door closed and the brunet's warmth so pleasant against the cool breeze coming through the window, it almost felt as if there was no space beyond those walls, no time beyond that night. He wanted to cling to that comfort and that familiarity. He wanted to feel that soft skin against his own again. There were no consequences, no future, no one else to worry about.
Hesitant at first, but soon overcame by a wave of certainty, Sugawara raised his hand and rested it gently on the other's cheek. It was wet.
"It's okay" he whispered again before leaning forwards, enveloping Sawamura's bottom lip with his own. It felt good. Easy. His eyes remained closed, and even as his face tilted backwards slightly, he couldn't bring himself to open them. It would make everything too real.
Sawamura inhaled sharply at the initiated contact, and as soon as Sugawara began to shift away, he leaned forwards and captured his lips again, hands coming up to cup his face. The pace of their kiss was accelerating by the second, and Sugawara could feel the wetness of the other's tongue make its way into his own mouth as his head reached the mattress. He wasn't sure when they had begun to lean back in his direction or when Sawamura's fingers found their way into his hair or down his jawline, but even in his confusion Sugawara could tell he was either terribly out of practice or maybe, just maybe, Sawamura had thought about it before. There was no hesitance in his movements, and though Sugawara enjoyed his touches, from the gentle caresses around his face to the light scratches down his neck, he was struggling to keep up. It felt good, it felt right, but it was also too fast, too warm, too much. In a way that was a relief —they kept him lightheaded just enough not to freak out about what they were doing and its implications—, but he could feel himself slow down by the second. He either stopped voluntarily at that very moment or waited for his limbs to give in.
Holding the brunet's face with both hands, he swallowed and panted as softy as he could while struggling to find the words. Sawamura was short of breath as well, his chest pressing against Sugawara's every time he inhaled.
"I've wanted to do this for so long" Sawamura spoke up first, voice low and barely above a whisper.
Sugawara's eyes widened. That new layer of their relationship was still something his mind was having a hard time to understand, and though he wasn't repulsed by the idea of his best friend kissing him or having fantasized about doing so, it was too much to process. The only thing he knew, the only thing that was clear, was that their relationship could not go back to being what it was before that night. By clinging to it so desperately, it might made slipped through his fingers.
Lifting his arms, he wrapped them around Sawamura's neck and pulled him close and into a hug. Sawamura hugged him back, and as he did so the feverish warmth Sugawara had experienced up his face and down his torso as they kissed was replaced by a lighter, cozy feeling, the taller's body shielding him like a blanket from the coolness of the night. His eyelids were heavy and every blink took longer than the previous, thoughts scrambled as if melted by the fuzziness in his chest.
"I like you, Suga" Sawamura whispered. "As more than a friend.” He waited for a few seconds, the room in utter silence. The arms around his neck loosened up. "Suga?"
He backed away just enough to gaze down at his face. His eyes were closed, mouth slightly parted and chest rising and falling at a soothing, steady pace. Sawamura let his head drop and sighed.
“We'll talk tomorrow, I guess".