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I'll be seeing you,
In all the old familiar places.
It hits him in a bar in down town Chicago. It's old and dark, just the way he likes it at times like this, when he hasn't been able to sleep properly for weeks and he gets up every morning and greets the day with a weight in his chest and a burning sensation behind his eyes. It's not the kind of place where he'd thought he'd hear this kind of music; it's full mostly of the twitchy under-age college kids and burly old men falling asleep in their gin and tonics. Unconsciously, he probably picked the place because it was as far from anything that would remind him of what he left behind in New York.
But then that song starts and not only does it remind him of him but the song itself hits a little close to home. He's in Chicago because it was already arranged. After Burt died Kurt couldn't bring himself to leave Lima again for a long time. His publisher kept calling at least 3 times a week for four years until they gave him the ultimatum, come to Chicago to discuss a new book or they'd never publish him again. He managed to push the meeting back until he had found himself a place in New York but then Blaine happened. He spent everyday trying to think of a way out of it, but he didn't know how to do anything but write and losing one publishing house might not be the end of him as a writer but he couldn't guarantee that anyone else would think he was worth the trouble.
The longer he spends in Chicago the easier it is for him to convince himself that it's better for Blaine this way. Blaine who doesn't need any distractions while he strives to be the best at his art. Kurt has already caused him too much pain, too much uncertainty and being so far away from him is also just an excuse to make sure he doesn't fuck anything else up for him.
Temptation is feeling too strong as he sits slumped on one of the uncomfortable bar stools and stares into his now watery gin and tonic. The release of his book is close and then he'll be free, he can leave without putting his career in jeopardy. Where? There's no where to go except back and he's terrified. He's terrified that he'll turn up on that boy's door step only to have the door slammed in his face. The only thing worse would be that he'd deserve it.
I'll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new.
If Kurt could bring himself to curse the soul of Billie Holiday he would but he doesn't. He can see his face behind his eyelids every time he blinks but in many ways he aches to close his eyes, to see that smile and the light in his eyes as he laughs. When he blinks them back open he disappears, like a spectre or a wisp of smoke, as if he had never been real in the first place. Kurt's a writer of fiction; he isn't qualified to speak about reality. All he knows is that his mind is very good at making things up, seeing as it has already tricked him into thinking that leaving Blaine was a good idea.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.
He sees him everywhere and it haunts him; everything he hasn't done, everything he didn't say. Kurt likens himself to a mirage, the closer Blaine got the less concrete the vision, the more he pulled away and the dream faded into nothing. The bartender slides a tumbler of whisky he didn't remember ordering under his nose and he blinks owlishly at the golden liquid. Instead of making him forget, even getting blind drunk reminded him of Blaine.
He's stuck between savouring the idea of Blaine and forgetting him entirely but he told himself he's also entirely too selfish to get anywhere close to the latter. It may be what's best for Blaine or so he thinks he believed but there's nothing forgettable about Blaine Anderson, and he wanted to savour every ounce of love he'd received from the man.
I'll be seeing you,
In every lovely summer's day.
The way that the afternoon sunlight seemed to ignite Blaine from the inside out made him question if he had ever been worth Blaine's time. The knowledge of all his scars and imperfections seemed to make him seem even more unreal, like the sun's soft kiss was Blaine's own soul.
In everything that's light and gay,
I'll always think of you that way.
A fog descends in front of his eyes and the thought that passes through his head makes his stomach clench so tightly that he thinks he might be sick.
He thinks that maybe he's in love.
I'll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.