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She had never been more scared in her life. Not when Obadiah Stane threatened her and Tony’s life; not when she was almost sliced in half and blown up by Ivan Vanko; not even when Aldrich Killian made her a human time bomb. She was plenty scared during those times, but she never felt scared and alone. She was never more scared than she was right now.
Pepper Potts watched as all of her board members turned to dust before her eyes, as she ran out into the cubicle area, as ashes floated into the air. Only a few left and her mind immediately went to the two people she cared about the most. Tony had left on that ship and Natasha was a fugitive in the wind, she kept tabs on them of course and the last she had heard with the small group of Avengers, they were headed to find Vision.
Who was left of the Avengers? Tony probably couldn’t respond to an Earth call from space, and Natasha always contacted her first.
Nat was an enigma to the CEO. From first meeting her as the extremely sexy, badass, woman from legal; to learning she was a former Russian spy working for S.H.I.E.L.D.They had a few flings and one night stands throughout the years, both knowing what it was, until she and Tony had an official break. Natasha had come to her in DC in the private jet, asking for something more.
“I’m going to sign the Accords. It’s a steady home and a nice way of doing my part to possibly keep people safe here. I would like something steady with you too.” Natasha held her single hand, looking sincerely into Pepper’s eyes.
The latter pulled her hand away in public. “Natasha, I just got done with Tony. It’s not the right time.”
“I can wait.”
God had Pepper wished she had said something different. She wished she had yes and gave Natasha a reason to fight to stay. Knowing how hard it was for her to open up to anyone.
The next time she had seen the spy, she was packing her essentials, not paying any mind to the woman asking what was going on.
“Natasha, please just tell me what happened!” “Why are you leaving?” “Can you please, just answer me?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t come back here.”
“Why? Natasha please.”
“Pepper, I really can’t do this right now, I need to get away from here.”
So she did. Pepper didn’t make the connection about what happened until she had already cried herself dry and went to Tony. Tony of course was angry and coping in the only way he knew how. Building things he could destroy. That was when she snapped.
“What the hell did you do?!”
“What did I do?”
“Yes! What in God’s name did you do this time?” She got in his face, practically pushing him back into his car. “Why did Natasha have to leave?”
There’s the click. “Pep, she did it to herself. She went against the Accords and let Rogers go free. Ross found out. She’s a fugitive.”
Pepper never heard from her again. Not directly. She kept her eyes on the group they had formed.
Now she feared she never would hear from her again.
What if the last thing Natasha knew was that she was engaged to Tony? She would never get to say how she really felt, how she only said yes to him because, yes, she loved him and he was comfortable, but she couldn’t have Nat.
She needed to find them.
The next few hours went by in a blur of phone calls and car rides to plane rides. Now she sat in the waiting room of a hospital in a city she didn’t really know existed, with Steve, Bruce, and a talking raccoon; because Nat was here, in a 6 hour procedure to fix an injury from a sword to her stomach. She thought back to the first time she and Nat got together.
Tony had gone off the rails for his birthday, leaving Happy to take her and Natalie, at the time, back to a hotel while the house was worked on. Happy left them to do some damage control for the night. Pepper sat at the head of her bed, Natalie sat in comfortable clothes, cross-legged in the center of the opposite bed.
She looked so different. Soft even, but still a damn good professional. Now Pepper realized she got a true glimpse of the real Natasha.
Pepper was so stressed that day. Natalie hopped over the beds and offered a massage. Of course one thing led to another and God was Pepper a sucker for sweet nothings.
“You’re too good for Stark, you know that?”
“You need intellectual stimulation that doesn’t come with a side of parenting.”
“You’re so beautiful. Smart, independent women are so sexy.”
Something else hit Pepper about that first time, Natasha had whispered something to her that hadn’t made sense at the time.
“You deserve the truth I can’t give you.”
She thought it was just the truth about her being a spy for S.H.I.E.L.D., but now she knew. Nat had feelings she couldn’t say yet, until Pepper shut her down due to her own fear. When she had told Natasha it wasn’t the right time, she was wrong. It was absolutely the right time, and she wanted to be with Nat, she wanted everything with her and that scared her.
She stopped her train of thought as a coffee cup was shoved in front of her face and Pepper looked up into Steve’s sorry eyes.
No words were needed between them. Both analyzing the events the past few days, mourning the loss of friends and sitting in the fear of the unknown. That’s what they’re in now. No one expected any of this to happen, and it’s hard to explain, and no one can tell what will happen next.
They are all running blind. But it’s better to run blind together than blind alone, and Pepper never felt more alone in that moment. Her lover is in surgery for a life threatening injury from aliens who wiped out half of the universe, and possibly her fiancé.
“I hadn't told her you were checking up on her. I don't know if she knew, but if she did then she didn't say anything.”
“Mm.” That's the only response Pepper had. What else can you say?
Pepper spent the rest of the morning sitting in the hospital chair, waiting for the single doctor to come out and tell them anything.
After another 2 hours of surgery they finally told Pepper and Steve that they had moved Nat to ICU. She coded twice on the table and was in a medically induced coma. Having only 18 stitches to patch her up with Dr. Cho’s tissue fabrication, the doctor had told Steve that they truly didn’t know if she would wake up. It was a bit of a stun for everyone. Yes, the snap happened but it hadn’t really set in until now. Sitting next to a sleeping Natasha, tubes coming out of her nose and stomach, that it really sinks in that they should be lucky. Lucky to be alive and sad over all the people who aren’t. So many people were lost.
So much time was lost too. Time Pepper could have spent going on dates with Nat, watching movies on the communal couch with Nat, spending nights in bed wrapped in her strong arms. Would Nat have moved in with her? Or would they have gotten a new place of their own? So many ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybes’ lost.
That will change from now on. If-When… Tony gets back, Pepper would tell him the truth. She always had feelings for Natasha. Of course she loved Tony, and that would never change, but she couldn’t see herself in the future, growing old with anyone other than Nat.
“You didn’t have to leave. I guess that was my fault really. I never gave you a reason to stay, but I really didn’t think you would leave. Maybe that was a bit selfish on my part. I couldn’t decide and instead of letting you move on, I kept you here. I kept you and Tony right where I wanted, thinking I could be happy. I just-I never considered if you were happy too.”
Pepper reached for Nat’s hand. It was cold but not dead, and that gave her hope. “I always thought our arrangement was fine. Tony was the public figure that everyone wanted me to be with and it was just easy. I loved him, and still do. I just don’t think it’s the kind of love that carries on. Then you came in and you were everything else that he wasn’t. You were funny and smart in a way that didn’t make me want to pull my hair out. You challenged everything I knew about passion and feelings.”
She thought about the first time they really were together outside of the bedroom and after she had found out about Nat’s little S.H.I.E.L.D. spy experiment. Pepper hadn’t been feeling well enough to have sex and Natasha was oh so willing to adapt.
“Let’s just watch a movie then. You pick while I get the snacks.”
“I don’t know. I just feel so- bleh.”
“I’ll get you your favorite? Twizzlers and caramel corn.”
“You know my favorite snack?” Tony couldn’t even remember I was deathly allergic to strawberries.
“Yes, I’ll go get it and you, missy, go change into your comfiest pajamas and we will lay on the couch and watch any cheesy rom-com you want.”
That night was the safest Pepper ever felt. Nat didn’t try to push for anything more than just pure company. She thought it would be awkward, having only meetings to sleep together then leave before morning. But it was so different. She had been so comfortable that they had fallen asleep and when she woke up, Nat had made her breakfast and organized her files for the day. She was and will always be the best assistant she ever had.
“You were perfect, Nat. I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough. I just need you to get better and wake up so I can’t tell you and show you how sorry I am.”
She ran her free hand through Natasha’s slightly matted, new blonde hair. She giggled to herself. “Most people say that if a woman changes her hair after a break up, then you just know you won’t get her back. But you were never any ordinary woman were you? You broke every standard and made everyone around you feel safe and happy. But you deserve to be happy too.”
Pepper sat next to Nat’s bed, holding her hand for another hour before a nurse had come in to check on Nat’s vitals.
“Thank you.”
The nurse went outside to talk to Steve, while Pepper stayed to say goodbye. “I’ll come back tomorrow. I’ll come back everyday, no matter what until you wake up and I can tell you how I really feel. I’m not letting you leave me again.”
She walked outside the room and Steve gave her an understanding and sad look. “They said only an emergency contact can stay with her, and the only contacts she had were Clint and Fury. They allowed me to stay with her overnight.”
“Take care of her please?”
“Of course.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow.”
And she was. Pepper was back everyday from 8 to 8 and she sat next to Natasha’s bed, talking. Apologizing. Promising a future. She did this for 2 weeks before they had cleared Natasha for a regular room in New York. After that, Pepper began taking her work with her just so she could be near Nat, and the nurses knew not to try to tell her otherwise.
Week One:
“You know, I think we have already gone on our first date. It was after the disaster in D.C. You had been trying to lay low while I was dealing with the aftermath of SHIELD, and I ran into you in that little hole in the wall coffee shop on Third Street.”
Pepper leaned forward, elbows on the bed while she held Natasha’s hand. “Then there was the first night I actually got to know the real you, you brought me Twizzlers. Now I realize how hard that was for you, I realized you never opened up to many people, and yet you chose me to trust. I kind of let you down on that end. I should have let you in a bit more. Told you how I was feeling, even a little. I wasn’t even quite sure at the time. I just liked having you around, even if we didn’t talk, but I should have told you that back then. Now it seems a bit weird. I’m not even sure you can hear me, or understand what I mean. I need you to wake up, please? I need to know if I can still fix this, fix us. I want what you said to me before, I want to go steady with you. God, you really did go old school on me with that didn’t you?”
She sat and cried until she had cried herself to sleep at Natasha’s side. She was going to lay it all out for Natasha to choose how she wanted things to be when she woke up. The world may have gone to shit but at least Nat didn’t have to be alone in it. Whether or not she chose to be with Pepper again, she would always have family.
The rest of the week we spent with Pepper telling Natasha how she felt during their entire friendship and the things she should have said to make Natasha stay.
“You were right, I really need to stop using Tony as an excuse. When you told me that you were going to sign the Accords, that you wanted to stay with me, I didn’t know what to do. It was everything I hadn’t realized I wanted at the time. I wanted you and didn’t realize it. It’s one of those moments when you freeze up and question everything. You make me question everything. I used breaking up with Tony as an excuse, something to give me time. I lied. It was the right time, it was the perfect time and I blew it.”
She checked the time on her watch and realized she needed to get home if she wanted enough time to do laundry and actually eat something filling. Things she had been neglecting since Natasha had been flown back to the city. Pepper was trying to handle disaster control while also trying not to show the guilt she felt every time someone expressed their condolences for her fiancé in space. She had been spending all this time worrying about the woman in a coma (not that she wasn’t worried about Tony), but Nat was here, on Earth. Pepper had no idea if Tony was even still alive. It’s hard to worry about the unknown when the world has already fallen apart around you.
Preparations needed to be made, in the case that Tony doesn’t come back and then plans for if he does come back. How she’s actually supposed to deal with her (ex) fiancé coming back while she tries to win back her old flame, is also a puzzle she is definitely not prepared for and a few drinks too sober.
So she drank.
Pepper placed her glass of wine down next to her laptop on the little bar counter in her kitchen and began writing the plans for a few Stark Relief funds to help with looting and disaster damage, as well as a few outreach programs for people who were left by those who… well, vanished. It was hard to do while listening to the evening news recounting the chaos left behind by people controlled by fear. Looting, riots in the streets, people jumping off of buildings out of grief and sadness, but what hit Pepper the most, was hearing of all the children found malnourished, alone, and sad because their parents had vanished. All those kids who probably had nice and loving homes, are now just abandoned. The devil in her ear said a silent thank you for all those who now however are no longer stuck in abusive homes.
Checking the time on the digital clock above the stove she decided that was enough sadness and work for the day. She closed her laptop and put her work phone on silent for the night. Not that anyone would call her, she sent most people home to be with whatever family they had and the ones she kept on were the few who asked not to be sent home, like her, they used their grief and emotions to help, they were the ones overviewing the relief programs. She trusted them to help make sure those in need get the right help.
Pepper picked up her glass of half drank wine and walked to the window, looking out over the ocean. Her apartment felt so lonely then. She had kept it even when she and Tony had moved in together in the Tower, she was just going to turn it into her own office and keep it as a place to stay if he decided to destroy the building by being heroic again.
She stayed and she watched. New York looked so beautiful from her view, you could never tell that the whole city was a mess, but someone had to hold it together.
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Pepper tried to keep herself sane… Until her phone rang.
“Hey Pepper, it’s uh, Steve. She’s awake.”