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Celegorm sat, brooding in a chair by the fire as he nursed a half-empty glass of alcohol. His eyes were fixed on the flames with a dark expression, the flickering casting moving shadows in the otherwise dark chambers.
His argument with Maedhros was still fresh in his mind, points repeating over and over in his head. He needed to end things with you. While he still could. The oath needed to take first priority and he couldn’t afford any… distractions…as Maedhros had put it. The sacrifices they’d made to keep their oath had only increased in recent years, and he knew a time would soon come when you’d leave him. Maedhros argued it was better for such a separation to happen now, before the two of you were married, than after – it would save a great deal of pain. After much persuading and arguing, Celegorm was inclined to agree.
The two of you had been courting for the last 5 years, quickly approaching a stage where there was no where to go but marriage. Celegorm loved you with every fibre of his being, he made no effort to deny it. The pain of even thinking about your separation was almost unbearable. But he knew if it continued and the two of you married, the pain would be so much more. He didn’t blame Maedhros for trying to spare him from that.
“My love?” You didn’t knock when you entered his chambers, you never did. It’d caused a fair share of accidents between the two of you yet still you were undeterred. “It’s awfully dark in here, shall I light some lamps?”
“No.” Celegorm’s heart was racing with what he was about to do. You had a spirit to match his own, only twice as kind but with all the same stubbornness. If you didn’t think he was being honest, you wouldn’t accept anything he was about to say. “We need to talk.”
“Well then fire away.” You lit a solitary lamp anyway, but turned it down so it lit the room dimly with the light of the fire. “I wanted to talk to you about the feast anyway, I was thinking if you wore your green robes I could get a dress to-“
“I no longer wish to court you.”
Celegorm had to interrupt otherwise he’d never be able to get the words out. To his relief, his voice remained steady. He hated himself for telling such a filthy lie but he knew it was for your own good, in the end.
It felt as if your entire world shattered in that moment. There was silence as neither of you even breathed. You must have gone into shock, you felt no other emotion apart from disbelief.
“…What?” It felt as if you’d been punched. The two of you had been happy together. Or at least you’d thought so. Just this morning Celegorm had professed his love for you, tucking a flower behind your ear and kissing you on the head before he left for a ride with his brother.
“We should break off this… relationship.” He stubbornly avoided your eyes, keeping his face turned away from you and staring at the flames. If he looked at you, you would’ve seen the tears in his eyes threatening to spill over.
He’d hoped you’d run off crying, perhaps to one of your friends for some support, leaving him with his thoughts and to wallow in self pity for the rest of the night. But of course, you’d never been one to take things lying down.
“Why?” Celegorm drew in a breath, and he could tell you heard how uneven it was. “I don’t love you.” Another lie.
“But… what about this morning…” Celegorm had no excuse or explanation that would fit in with his story.
“I think you should leave.”
“I’ll ask again.” Your own voice sounded breathless and Celegorm knew you were crying silently. Still, he didn’t look at you. “Why?”
“I don’t love you.” He repeated, this time with more force behind it. “In fact, you’ve been getting on my nerves for some time now and I’m starting to get sick of it.”
Your silence made him feel physically sick but he knew he’d have to continue to get you to believe him. If you knew he was only saying these things to spare you, you’d never leave. He swallowed hard. He knew he’d have to say something particularly cutting to get to you. This was one of the few times he didn’t want to use his sharp tongue.
“In fact, I’m beginning to hate you.”
“Why?” Celegorm wished you’d just leave. He could feel the tears starting to fall now, and he knew you could see them.
“Where to start? You’re clingy, needy, you always insist on coming with me on hunts.” Celegorm actually loved riding with you, and more often than not, he invited you himself. “Moreover, you have no sense of poise, of grace – it’s embarrassing to take you to court, to have you around my family when you could never compare.” He closed his eyes briefly at your broken sob. “I see the way you speak with my guards, I know what you do when I’m away…”
“Stop this…” Your voice was a whisper that Celegorm forced himself to ignore.
“I truly regret asking to court you, I should’ve asked someone else, someone I know would be-“
“For once in your life would you just shut up?” You snapped quite uncharacteristically. Celegorm rarely heard you raise your voice. He looked at you in surprise.
His cheeks were covered in tears, much like your own, skin puffy. Your breaths were erratic as you tried to process what was happening, whereas his breathing was relatively even, already having accepted his fate. More than anything, he wanted to wrap you up in his arms and kiss away the tears, but he knew a moment of weakness now would mean a lifetime of suffering for you.
“Why do you say such cruel things? This isn’t you…” When you saw his tears, it cemented the idea that this wasn’t what Celegorm had wanted. His actions didn’t make sense. He looked down, meeting your eyes again too much for him. He drew a shaky breath, trying to fight back the sobs as they started in earnest. He hated himself for saying these things and with each breath, his resolve waivered.
He felt you come to kneel on the floor in front of him, between his legs as you ternately rested your hands on his knees.
“Talk to me…” You pleaded. You were always so forgiving. It hurt him beyond words to know how much he’d probably hurt you. But the fact that you were still here hurt even more. God, he hated himself. “Baby…”
He broke down in sobs at that, hands covering his face as if it would spare his pride. He doubled over with the force of them, making a strangled sound when you came forward to hug him, pulling him further so his head rested against your neck. Despite what he’d told Maedhros he would do, he allowed himself to be cuddled by you, wrapping his arms behind your back and pulling you closer until you were seated him his lap.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I love you so much…” He wheezed between sobs. You pet his hair but didn’t say anything. Everything going on was such a shock. You’d never seen Celegorm in such a state, even when members of his family had been injured or killed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of it!” His grip around your waist was tight as he mashed his face into your neck. You rubbed his back.
“Then why did you say it?” You felt yourself beginning to calm down, now that you knew there was a chance you could still save this relationship.
“Maedhros…” He choked out. You froze. Celegorm’s eldest brother had never been particularly approving of your courtship. Of course, he’d been polite enough, but you got the impression he viewed you of more of a hindrance. “He said… the oath would take us all… he didn’t want you to be involved, he said you’d make it harder for me…” He managed to get out between breaths.
You frowned at that but said nothing, hand on the back of Celegorm’s head pulling him closer to your chest. You’d known about the oath when you first agreed to your courtship. You’d accepted it since it was a big part of the elf you loved. Of course, you knew that times ahead were bound to be tough, but you’d face them together.
“And what do you want?” You asked. There was a pause after Celegorm let out a little hiccup.
“I want you to be with me…” He pulled his head back to look at your face, and you saw nothing but honesty in his eyes.
“Then, my love,” You bent down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Here is where I shall stay.”