Work Text:
“When is a monster not a monster? Oh when you love it”
-Caitlyn Seihl
...
The poison courses quickly through his veins, setting nerves on fire. A scream tears its way out of his throat. Through tear-blurry eyes, he sees the Vampire Queen move off of him, smiling in self-satisfaction. The marble floor bleeds the warmth from his body, and Mika takes his last breath.
…
Humans are messy.
They’re stubborn and prideful, ruled by emotion and rendered illogical by it. And it's not enough for humans to just feel, it’s reflected in their bodies; faces turning red from anger, tears slipping down their faces. Chests heaving and blood pumping as the adrenaline kicks in. It’s overwhelming.
He hates thinking that way, it only exacerbates the chasm between Mika and humanity, to other himself from humans.
They’re arguing, voices filling the seaside shack.
Yuu wants to go back and save Guren- the very mention of that man’s name makes something akin to disgust rise in him- insisting that there’s no time to waste. He leverages around Kimizuki’s sister, kept in the hands of the military- they need to save her too. He carelessly throws around words like ‘family’ in a way that makes Mika grit his teeth, the taste of something sour behind his tongue.
The rest are hesitant. They argue that they need time to plan, time to rest. Time to get Yuu’s demon- who’s tried to possess him three times just this past week- under control.
Yuu throws Mika a look, like he’s asking for backup. Mika looks away. If they were in private, he’d do his best to convince Yuu to not go, but for now, he keeps quiet. Mika has learned how to listen and not betray how he actually feels about what is being discussed. He has learned how to not draw attention to himself when in hostile company. He has learned to only volunteer his (very carefully catered) opinion when specifically asked.
He is very well aware of his precarious standing in this group of humans, and if there was a falling out between them, he doesn’t think Yuu would choose him. So, he stays curled up in a corner and says nothing. He doesn’t care about other humans or planning, or whatever they may have to do. He just cares about Yuu.
…
The ocean is something of a miracle. The weather is almost always grey and overcast with chilly wind and a heavy salt smell. It’s quiet and solitary, except for the rhythmic white noise of waves crashing to shore. The world becomes muted greys and pale, washed out seafoam green. It’s companionable and familiar, like the sea is holding up a mirror to Mika’s face. It’s peaceful like nothing else is, it clears his head, and unravels the tightness in his chest. When he kicks his shoes off to walk in the shoreline, the sea water is frigid, a perfect match for him.
…
Yuu seems happier than Mika remembered him being. Yuu, although fiercely passionate, and kind, was prone to moodiness and withdrawals. Sometimes he would sit in the alcove, book in hand, with a certain tightness in his jaw, and Mika would have to leave him be.
But now he is lighter. He laughs and teases his friends easily. Drapes himself over shoulders and laps, plays long card games with an old pack of cards they found and tries to rope Mika in too. He stares too, giving Mika small smiles and ducking his head down whenever Mika catches his eyes.
It’s strange to observe, strange to reconcile this version of Yuu with the one he knew.
...
The first few days after Nagoya, Mika refused to let the humans move Yuu. They were hiding in some long abandoned decrepit apartment way too close to Nagoya for comfort. And Yuu was completely unconscious, breathing evenly, but face and body completely still. The purple haired girl (Hiragi Shinoa) had said that the last time this had happened, it had taken Yuu a week to wake up.
Mika’s stomach had sunk with fear. They really should not lie in wait for a week, but if they tried to leave with Yuu unconscious it could slow them down, not to mention it could hurt Yuu.
He was on edge, pacing around the small room with all the human’s distrusting eyes on him, it made his skin crawl and the hair on the back of his neck to stand up. The tips of his fangs dug into the skin of his lips and it takes all of Mika’s self control not to pounce.
He wanted to tell the humans to leave, that he would stay with Yuu, that they had no place here. But by the way they crowded around Yuu, muttering and hands wringing with worry, Mika knew it would be futile. He’s the outsider here.
When everyone except the older and most suspicious one (Narumi) was asleep, Mika hesitantly crept close to Yuu’s side.
Movement across the room makes him turn sharply, nails curled into claws and fangs protruding. Through the darkness he can see Narumi, halfway to his feet, hand poised over his sword.
They stare at each other, caught in a stalemate, until Narumi breaks first, lowering his sword and moving back to sit.
Mika turns back to Yuu, dismissing the human’s eyes on him. His hands tremble as he kneels by Yuu’s head. Someone draped their cloak over him while another used theirs to make a pillow for his head.
He’s loath to admit it- but they care for Yuu, even if their reasons are selfish and exploitative.
He stares at Yuu in wonder, at how much he’s changed, time sharpening the baby-faced roundness of his cheeks. Despite wishing for it fervently, despite the thought of seeing Yuu again the only thing that made everything worth it and staved off the hopelessness, he had been so scared, before reuniting with him, that somehow his apathy would spread and he would feel nothing. It was such a relief, to thaw out at the sight of him, to feel something tangible and intense. Happiness, delight, dread, fear, anger. All there, back to their previous intensities.
Tentatively, he reached a hand out and gently buried it in Yuu’s hair. A small part of him is disappointed that Yuu didn’t wake up at his touch, but really, what did he think this was, a work of fantasy?
He smooths his hair back from his face, and strokes the dark locks in wonder. Yuu's hair is surprisingly soft, and after four long years, he’s within reach.
The one he tolerates the most is Yoichi. He’s not as openly abrasive and suspicious as the rest and offers him tentative smiles whenever he’s keeping watch and they find themselves alone together. In fact, Mika’s first opinion of him is that he’s foolishly naive and kind. He’s got these big, trusting round eyes that remind him of his siblings and (despite his better judgement) put him at ease.
“He mentioned you a lot, you know”, Yoichi says on the fourth night Yuu hasn’t woken up.
Mika looks up at him. Yoichi gives him that small, gentle smile again. “It was very clear that you meant a lot to him. I think you were a great source of inspiration for him”.
“But he also didn’t say much about you”, Yoichi continues after Mika doesn’t respond. “I think his memories were too precious to share with anyone else”
“Why are you telling me this”?
Another smile. They seem to come so easy for him. How can someone live in this world and still look innocent and smile easily? Mika doesn’t trust it.
“I thought you might like to know. Family is important to Yuu, so it must be important to you as well. I don’t want you to think that Yuu replaced you with us, just because he thought you were dead”.
Mika bristles. Yoichi is more perceptive than Mika first gauged. A part of him wants to snap at him for being so presumptuous. How dare he pretend to know him, attempt to offer him comfort. But Yoichi reminds him so much of his siblings. And he couldn’t be mean to Akane, so he just hugs his knees closer to his body.
Yuu makes a small noise, furrowing his brow, and he and Yoichi lean in expectantly.
Yoichi sighs. “He was so different after he found out you were alive. He wasn’t so obstinate, and less angry. He worked better in teams. He smiled a lot more”.
Mika ignores the light feeling he feels at that.
“Yuu is always angry about something. That’s what makes him so passionate” he mutters.
“I know it’s hard for you to believe. But we all want the same thing. For Yuu to be safe” Yoichi says.
Mika doesn’t respond to that.
…
Despite them staying in this shack for an undetermined amount of time, it very quickly begins to feel lived-in. They found trunks full of clothes and blankets amid photo albums, old books, and furniture in the attic, to replace their dirty uniforms. Mika wears clothes that aren’t the white of a vampire’s uniform or the uniform of a captive child in Sanguinem. He carves out a place for himself in the attic, leaving the rest of the humans to split themselves up in the two bedrooms below, pushing boxes to the side, and tipping over an old mattress.
Yuu has more or less forced him to come down from his attic and keeps pressuring him to socialize with everyone, but Mika mostly keeps to himself, reading books and observing.
There’s squabbling; over how small the rooms are because Shinoa and Mitsuba insisted on having a room to themselves, over card games or any other form of entertainment, over how boring and bland the food they eat are.
It’s a little exhausting to keep up with.
At night, however, Mika gets his silence and solitude. Vampires need considerably less sleep than humans and Mika got even less than that in Sanguinem. He would lay awake for hours, deep in thought and when he did manage to sleep, it was fitfully and dreamless, and always left him unsettled when he woke up.
He had dreams when he was little, small childhood dreams and simple wants, like wanting a pet cat, and playing with friends. Wanting to fly colorful kites against the blue sky and having someone pick him up and wipe his tears and stroke his hair whenever he scraped his knees.
He didn’t need to have dreams or escapist fantasies when he met Yuu, because, for the first time, he was really, genuinely happy.
He had a friend his age that he could talk to and play with and share secrets. And, yes, Yuu was prone to moodiness, but it only made pulling a real smile or laugh out of him even more rewarding.
In Sanguinem, he had no choice but to start daydreaming again- it staved off the hopelessness. They ranged in amounts of impossibility. In some, the little family of the Hyakuya orphans managed to escape the underground, and lived in a small, secluded house in the world above. Somewhere remote, in the mountains, or by the sea, where they could live out the rest of their days free of vampires. Others were set in some version of the world that continued on as usual. In this fantasy world, there is a sun-filled apartment with music trickling in and food cooking on the stove. Their siblings are sprawled on the kitchen table, or on the couch. Yuu is clumsily teaching Akane how to ballroom dance. It’s his apartment, his and Yuu’s, (and back then, having Yuu have such a prominent role in his daydreams made him feel all fuzzy and giddy inside, but the thought of Yuu somehow finding out made his heart race unpleasantly, in a way he didn’t quite understand).
Yuu would share his dreams of driving the vampires out and turning Sanguinem into a safe haven for humanity with such conviction that Mika desperately wanted to believe him. He did believe that if anyone could do it, it would be Yuu, but, despite his tendency to daydream, Mika was and still is a staunch realist.
After becoming a vampire, all he had to sustain himself were daydreams. He’d find Yuu up above, and steal him away from the military and all their experiments. He wouldn’t return to Sanguinem- he’s done being Krul’s dog. He doesn’t care about the vampire-human conflict, wants no part in it. So, he and Yuu run away, except this time they do it properly, and aren’t caught by anyone. They’d go somewhere far away and maybe, finally, be happy. And it wouldn’t matter that Mika was a fledgling vampire. In his imagination, he doesn’t have to worry about the fact that he will become a demon if he doesn’t drink any blood. He doesn’t need to worry about the fact that Yuu would surely resent him for getting their siblings killed, or that he will be disgusted by Mika, for becoming one of those creatures he always hated.
Dreaming must be a human quality, because Mika is bad at it. Reality has always turned out differently than his fervent desires. His daydreams were unsubstantial and flawed. The reality is, Yuu, although he’s kind enough to let him stay, (be it out of pity or nostalgia) doesn’t need him anymore, not like when they were children and needed each other. Yuu doesn’t need a family, he already has another. He’s sided firmly with humanity, Mika will never be able to convince him to run away, just the two of them. It makes him feel stupid and humiliated. His eyes sting, the ceiling gets all blurry above him.
…
Life (if it could even be called that) became nothing more than keeping pain at bay. There was the hunger that clawed and howled relentlessly at his insides, something wild that threatened to break free. There were physical and psychological changes too. The underground began to feel less claustrophobic, the sunlight, the rare times he saw it, burned his eyes. His opinion of humanity was corrupted in front of his eyes.
Apathy rushed in first. At first he thought he was too preoccupied to care, and then later he blamed it on desensitization, but the appalling truth was that sometimes Mika would look out and see the scared, starving children of Sanguinem and feel… nothing. Next came the hatred. He hates the Moon Demon company, for their experiments on Yuu. Humans were greedy, selfish, and needlessly cruel. They would sacrifice anything and anyone if it meant they would profit in return.
He tried so hard not to think like that. Yuu is human, his family were human, and he was human once. But he finds it harder to focus on the good qualities of humanity. But the children. The children of Sanguinem, the children up above, they at least were completely innocent. Mika tries to care, he fights the vampire tendency of apathy and self-absorbedness, but it’s hard, when the people he cared the most about are gone.
Mika had been pulled back harshly, unwittingly, from the brink of death, and put back together incorrectly, turned inside out, all his insides replaced by a yawning emptiness.
He was residing from behind a thin veil, all washed out and pale. His heart, frozen over. He’s cold, and not just to the touch. He’s completely unrecognizable, a shadow of his former self.
To become a vampire is to be stripped from humanity and everything that makes one human. When you can’t be warmed by the touch of someone else, when you can’t be in the sun without protection, there's nothing left but a hollow shell. Vampires, despite wanting to keep a dignified quality about them, are animalistic. They are creatures ruled by base survival instincts: hunt, kill, eat. There is nothing driving a vampire except for hunger and pettiness and pride, except, maybe a secret desire to fill the emptiness inside of them.
Blades are readily available to vampires in Sanguinem. Mika is given a sword, one with thorns that pierce his skin to gain power. It feels like the ultimate betrayal, to carry the weapon that terrorized the children. (Mika’s eyes had always caught on them whenever Yuu was loudly proclaiming his plans to overthrow the vampires) But it also felt like control. The sharp bite of thorns is unfamiliar but not unwelcome.
Soon, Mika finds himself pressing the sharp edges of them to the thin skin of his wrists. The cuts heal quickly without ever leaving a trace, but it still stings and his blood beads and blossoms. He knows it's morbid, but it clears his head and lets him breathe. It’s relief. He is force fed blood to stay alive, but he will shed his own blood in return. It feels like rebellion. It feels human.
Krul is inscrutable, even if Mika suspects that he knows her better than anyone. She plays the part of a ruthless Queen, intimidating all vampires in her court. Yet, she has a sort of strange affection for him, whether it be because he is her pet project, she is responsible for him, or if it is genuine, if he amuses her and endears her to him. Regardless, she will attempt to mother him, in a twisted way. Krul surely does not know how to be a mother, and Mika has no idea what a mother should be like, other than his and Akane’s attempts to raise their siblings. It’s a facsimile, but he lets Krul play whatever games she wants.
Other times, when he catches her lost in thought, she looks childlike. She has the form of a small child, but hardly ever looks like it. The rare times when her guard is down, Mika imagines that she’s just as lonely as he is.
Whatever her reasoning behind it, Krul cares for his well-being more than just ensuring he stay alive. “Vampires don’t write books”, she explained to him. That amount of self-absorbedness belonged only to humans. But she allowed him free-reign of Ferid’s library, because he was more ‘vain’ and had a collection of human literature.
Ferid was delighted that Mika came groveling to him for entertainment. It made his stomach turn with disgust whenever he walked the halls of Ferid’s mansion and caught a glimpse of the children lining up to give blood. Despite that, Ferid’s library became a saving grace for him.
Ferid had a much wider collection of books than the tattered fairytales the children traded back and forth, and much wider than what Mika had access to in the Hyakuya Orphanage. There was a treasure trove of novels, classics from all around the world, plays, poetry, and collections of mythology.
Mika sank into the words reverently. It is so human to write and tell stories, that’s why vampires don’t understand it. Stories teach about life and death and love and pain. Humans need stories to teach them about the world. Mika needs stories to remind him of his humanity.
Stories are self-reflective and honest. They always contain a truth about the author, a small piece of them is immortalized on the pages. In the stories Mika would think up to tell the children, the main character was always a little too much like himself. A part of him was immortalized, even if he is the only one around to remember.
He commits his favorite passages to heart and whispers them to himself at night. They’re like bedtime stories.
To die- to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heartache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to: ‘tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream.
The irony is amusing.
Despite himself, he thinks of Ferid. He collects these books. Do they mean anything to him? Do the words ever resonate?
Ferid has a lot to say about human literature, commenting on the pettiness and self-absorbedness of humans- only humans would have the audacity to believe they are important enough to write stories and hide little pieces of themselves in them. Vampires are solitary creatures, they don’t understand community outside of the power from numbers, Ferid explains. Why would they listen to someone flaunt their importance? Humans love to hear themselves speak , Ferid says.
Privately, Mika thinks that humans and vampires are not so different in that regard.
His favourites are the greek mythologies. The story of Narcissus warns against vanity, the story of Icarus against hubris.
Mika is a case study in hubris. He thought he was so smart and clever for thinking of a plan to escape the vampires. He believed that he, foolish, naive, stupid human could outsmart a vampire. It was his foolish, stupid, plan that caused the deaths of all of his siblings and for him to be turned into a vampire. He relied too much on the assumption that vampires would never expect the children to try to escape from Sanguinem. It’s his fault, his own hubris. Mika was outsmarted and humiliated, and everyday has to live with the consequences.
Ferid enjoys lounging around the library whenever Mika is present, giving him suggestions on what to read with an insufferably coy grin and a “I think you’ll enjoy this one Mikaela”.
He does read one of them; from the collection of Greek myths. A story in which human beings were double beings- two sets of arms, legs, and faces, until the king of the gods split them in half as punishment, leaving humans to search for their other half.
Mika stops at that. If human beings were made to love each other, then there is a perfect person out there for someone, their other half torn away, a person that one longs for in the very pit of their heart.
He wants to find Ferid and rip him to shreds. It’s clear what Ferid was insinuating, what he was mocking him for.
(His thoughts wander to Yuu without trying to).
Can you love someone who is missing from you? Is mourning a substitution for loving or is it an expression if it?
Mika is unworthy of thinking about love. He knows vampires, he thinks like one and has instincts like one. They don’t love. They might have affection for someone or something, but it’s shallow. Love and selflessness and devotion is a wholly human thing.
If Mika wasn’t mourning the loss of his own capacity to love and be loved, he might feel pity for the vampires. But he pities himself much more, he who was human and can remember what it was like to love.
When he was human, he loved a lot of things. He loved his siblings, and he loved reading books, and he loved petting cats. He loved the sunshine and the rain, and the moon and the sun, because he couldn’t pick between things, he loved them too much.
But, he realizes like a lightning strike,surrounded by the satin and old book smell of Ferid’s macabre library, the thing that he loved best and most was Yuu. It takes his breath away, the book falls from his hand and lands with a soft thunk on rich, red velvety carpet.
To think that all that time, he loved Yuu. Yuu, who was by his side ever since they met, whose scowls came more freely than his smiles. Yuu, who had ambitions and naive dreams, but was fervent and brave in a way that Mika admired. He used to be just an arm’s length away, curled up fast asleep in the alcove, or helping to make dinner, or leaning back on his hands, face tilted upwards, on the rooftops, staring at the ceiling of rock like it was the sky.
Humans think they’re inventing something whenever they experience something new , Ferid had once said offhandedly. But it does feel like Mika is inventing something new.
Is this love?
What would have happened if he had realized sooner, before it was too late? Would he have said something? Would it even have mattered in the great scheme of things, one human being loving another?
Mika likes to think it would.
He whispered it out loud, as if to make it real. “I loved him”, carries it close to his heart like something precious. There’s a bit of wonder and awe in it, a secret he’ll keep all to himself, something that no one can take away. They took away his humanity, but this rings with irreversible truth- Mikaela Hyakuya, human being, loved someone once. He was capable of love.
In the present, Mika watches Yuu tease Shinoa, fight with Kimizuki, cook with Mitsuba, sling his arm around Yoichi, and wonders if Yuu has also thought about love.
He’s not sure he wants to know the answer.
…
It starts like this. A pull in his stomach, a taste like rising bile in his throat, and an itchiness under his skin.
Next, his senses heighten, eyesight sharpening, ears becoming sensitive and more attuned to every twitch of movement. His sense of smell becomes overwhelming. He can smell everything, blood pumping through arteries. Vampires, unlike every other creature, don’t become dull with hunger. They become deadlier, sharpening to a knife’s point, alight with a driving force. And if the hunger is allowed to grow, it will do so exponentially, until the vampire becomes a black hole. And that is how demons are born.
It’s like fighting the tide or some other impossible force. It makes his head spin, like everything is underwater. He has to hold onto himself tightly so he doesn’t lose himself.
Mika is hungry again. But the word ‘hunger’ really is inadequate to describe the feeling. Usually he can last longer, ignore the feelings of discomfort and pain, but perhaps his tolerance has decreased since becoming a full-fledged vampire. He had plans to hold out for a feeding once a week, but it’s quickly beginning to seem impossible. His head swims, and he digs a sharp claw into the meat of his palm, not strong enough to break through skin, but just enough so the pain is grounding. He can smell; rivers of blood coursing through veins, can hear; the off-rhythm heartbeats of the six humans in the room.
Fuck, he’s practically salivating.
It’s dangerous for him to stay in this house. The sea is choppy when he goes outside, Mika can smell an oncoming storm. He finds a dry patch of sand and loses himself to wind, salt, and sea.
…
A few months before the end of the world, Mika and Yuu peered behind the crate behind the convenience store to find that Hime had finally had her babies. They had turned to each other, jaws slack with wonder and delight. The kittens were soft with milky white eyes, Hime trusted them enough to let them close, but one of them bit Mika’s finger when he came too close, pooling a bead of scarlet on the pad of his finger.
Yuu had checked to see if he was okay, but Mika had waved him away.
“No, look”, he told Yuu, “It just proves how resilient and alive they are”.
Life. Mika had been full of it once.
…
Mika watches the sky bleed out in pretty colors and the sun be swallowed by the sea in a numb haze. He draws idle patterns in the wet sand. By the time little droplets of water begin to fall, stars have begun to peek out from behind the clouds. There were stories about stars, but Mika can’t remember them right now. He stands, achy and unsteady, and makes his way back.
He opens the door to come face to face with Yuu who startles back, face pinched with worry. He relaxes minutely when he sees Mika.
“Where were you”? he demands as Mika steps inside.
“Taking a walk”. Mika wants nothing more than to hole himself up in the attic, curl up, and force himself to sleep.
“You scared me”! Mika turns to Yuu in confusion. His brows are knit together. “I thought you… Well I don’t know what I thought, but you’ve been gone for hours. I thought you just wanted time for yourself, but I started getting worried”.
“I’m sorry for worrying you”.
Yuu’s gaze softens. “Mika. Are you alright”?
“Yes. I’m fine”, he says, too quickly and too clipped to be believable.
“Are you going upstairs? Can I come with you”?
Mika stops. He doesn’t… he shouldn’t. It’s too dangerous, but he wants . Mika steels his resolve. He can control himself.
He nods and Yuu lights up, following him up the stairs.
It’s dark in the attic, save for the small sliver of moonlight. The rain battering the roof and window is loud. Yuu sits on the mattress, squinting around.
“Don’t you get lonely up here Mika”?
Mika shrugs. He wasn’t exiled up here per say, he chose it. He doesn’t mind the solitude. Plus, he doesn’t think he’d be able to relax sleeping in a room full of humans breathing and making soft noises in their sleep. It would remind him too much of Sanguinem, and the memories are too precious to let them be spoiled by strangers.
Mika gingerly sits down next to Yuu, leaving space between them.
“You should let me sleep up here with you, I’m getting tired of sharing a room with that idiot Kimizuki”.
Mika blinks. “If you want”.
Yuu looks put out. “Well, do you want to Mika”? His voice is charged, like he’s trying to say something else, but Mika has no idea what.
“Yeah, if you also want to”.
Yuu huffs out a breath, and doesn’t say anything else about the matter.
Now that he has time to look, Mika notices that Yuu has dark circles under his eyes and an exhausted slump to his shoulders.
“Are you alright”? Mika asks carefully.
Yuu gives him a lopsided smile. “Of course”.
Mika gives him a flat look.
“It doesn’t feel good to be kept in the dark, does it”? Yuu smirks, crossing his legs and shifting so that his ankle pokes Mika’s thigh.
He sighs and drags a hand down his face. “I promise it’s not a big deal, but I’m having trouble with my demon. Asuramaru keeps trying to possess me”.
Mika gnaws on the inside of his cheek. Asuramaru. ( That name sounds familiar, where has he heard it?)
“I have it under control”! Yuu insists.
Mika nods, slowly. “I believe you. Just promise that if things get bad you’ll tell me? You don’t have to deal with it yourself”.
Yuu shakes his head, amused. “That’s rich coming from you, Mika”.
“What do you mean”?
He laughs a little. “Remember? You were so stubborn and self-sacrificial when we were younger. You always wanted to do everything yourself and never let anyone help you”.
Mika frowns. He remembers it, vaguely. But there’s a disconnect when he thinks back to his memories of being a human and his emotions in them. He’s more of a detached observer watching someone else’s life.
“Do you not remember”? Yuu asks, a little horrified.
“Not- not really”, Mika says reluctantly. “I’m sorry”.
“No, no Mika. You don’t have to apologize”, Yuu says, but looks down at his lap, unable to meet Mika’s eyes.
Mika feels something rise and get stuck in his throat. His hands open and close helplessly, an aborted attempt at comfort.
“But you do remember some stuff, right? I mean you remembered me”.
“I remember everything. I just can’t really remember how I felt in my memories. It feels like it happened to someone else, not me”.
“Oh”, Yuu says quietly. Mika doesn’t meet his eyes. He doesn’t want to know what’s in them.
“You used to make up bedtime stories for our siblings before they went to bed each night. And you always hugged them and helped them fall back asleep when they had nightmares”, Yuu says after a while.
“I know”.
He continues on. “You were happy when you made people happy. And everyone loved you so much, you’d always be patient with them and always seemed so interested in everything they had to say. I wasn’t always like that”, Yuu trails off with a humorless laugh.
“And we’d go up on the roof sometimes and I’d read my vampire book, and you’d tell me that I was stupid, but sometimes I’d make you laugh, and even though you told me that you hated my jokes, I think you secretly liked them”.
“And”, Yuu says, a little desperately, “Remember that time that all of us got sick and we thought we were going to die? I think that was the first time I saw you cry, but you told us that we were going to be okay and didn’t let anyone see that you were scared”.
“Point is”. Yuu looks so earnest, Mika can hardly stand it. “You cared so much about things, so I’ll remind you if you forget”.
For a horrible moment, Mika thinks he’s about to start crying. He doubles over in pain as a hunger pang goes through him.
“Are you alright”, Yuu places a hand on his knee. Mika flinches back.
Yuu has expectations of him to be like the Mika that he knew, but Mika barely remembers who that person was. That Mika is dead.
“You don’t understand”, he says, desperate. “I’ve done bad things”.
Yuu draws back. “Like what”?
“I-” he’s barely able to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I stood by and let so much happen. All of the kids in Sanguinem, and then the kids that the vampires rounded up in the raids. And I just let it happen, and there was nothing I could do to try to stop it. And sometimes it was easier to just look away, so I did”.
Their faces haunt him now. Resigned, gaunt, pale, and scared. Their bodies small, sharp and bony.
“Mika”, Yuu’s voice is even and gentle, he carefully covers Mika’s hand with his own. Mika shivers slightly, his skin is so warm. “It wasn’t your fault”.
Mika shudders, tearing his hand away. “Yes, it was”.
“Why don’t you- why don’t you hate me. You would’ve been so mad at me back in Sanguinem if I just gave up and turned a blind eye. So why aren’t you mad?!”.
His head is spinning. It’s too much- he can’t. He wants . It hurts so bad, he thinks he’s going to die again. It was wishful thinking, the thought that he could reunite with Yuu, human and vampire, and that it would be alright.
He curls in on himself, screwing his eyes shut and weakly pushing Yuu’s shoulder away.
“You need to stay away from me”.
Yuu sighs. “I’m not going to do that”. He moves even closer, and Mika wants to growl and snap at him until he leaves.
He can smell the blood pumping through Yuu’s veins, hot and sweet. He digs his nails into his palms. Too close. It would be so easy to tear tender flesh beneath his teeth…
Yuu is whispering something in a tone so soft and comforting that Mika didn’t think he was capable of.
“What’s wrong Mika? Are you okay? What can I do”?
“I just want to be human”! It spills from his mouth before he can stop it, and then it just keeps coming.
“I don’t want to be a monster, I don’t want to drink blood. I don’t want to be involved in any conspiracies; humans, vampires, the seraph of the end, I don’t want a part of it! I just want- I want to stay by your side, but I shouldn’t because it’s too dangerous. I wish I could look at you and not know how your blood tastes, because I want it all the time. I wish they had just left me to die! I never wanted to be a vampire, I never wanted to have a second life. If I had died there, I wouldn’t have had to deal with this. It hurts. It hurts so much. I wish I had just died there”.
Mika doesn’t even want to know what he looks like- manic probably. He’s done his best to keep himself composed, but he’s falling apart now.
Yuu launches himself forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Mika.
“ Mikaela ” he breathes urgently, face smashing in the junction between his neck and shoulder.
“Please don;t say anything like that ever again. Do you know how- When I thought you died, it absolutely destroyed me. I missed you so much and I would pray every night that somehow you would come back. And when I saw you again, alive- it…” Yuu took a deep breath and pulled away with a watery smile.
“I’m sorry, Mika. I’ve been pretty selfish, huh”?
“What do you mean”?
“I was so happy to see you again and have you be with me that I made you drink blood so you could stay with me, just because I couldn’t lose you again. I’m sorry Mika, but I’m so glad you’re alive”
“And I’m going to do everything I can to keep it that way”, Yuu continues. “You need to drink blood before you get to this point. So now I have to be on top of you since you won’t be responsible about it”. He waggles his finger in front of Mika’s face, like he’s a misbehaving child that needs to be scolded.
Mika wants to protest, reminding Yuu that he’s the oldest and doesn’t need to be patronized, but another shudder racks his body.
Yuu pushes the collar of his shirt out of the way. “Go ahead. It’s okay”.
“You’re a really bad vampire hunter if you’re willingly letting a vampire close to your jugular”. Mika jokes weakly.
Yuu laughs, eyes scrunching up. “I don’t care, you’re Mika. I know you’d never hurt me”.
“What does that mean? That I’m Mika”?
Yuu’s face tinges pink. “You’re changing the subject, just drink ”.
Mika reaches out for him, hands shaking. “Make sure to stop me if I take too much”, he warns.
He steadies himself on Yuu’s shoulder, lowering his face close to Yuu’s shoulder. He’s dizzy from the sweet smell of skin, blood, and body heat.
He sinks his fangs in. Yuu jumps a bit under him, but other than that is completely still.
It’s complete relief. His mind goes blank.
(Yuu’s blood is sweet. He always drank Krul’s blood like he was desperate for it, but always gagged at the taste; bitter and cold)
He hears Yuu gasp from far away, and then there are hands pushing him away.
Mika comes back to himself, wiping a hand across his mouth and looking down in embarrassment.
“Sorry”, he mutters.
“It’s fine, I’m fine”, Yuu says. He looks a little shaky and pale, but otherwise unharmed. The pinprick wounds on Yuu’s neck close up in front of his eyes. Is that a side effect of the demon or the seraph.
He meets Yuu’s eyes, and oh, that was a mistake, because now Mika can only think of the long lines of children lined up to have their blood drawn from Ferid and it makes him feel sick.
He buries his face in his hands.
Yuu hugs him loosely- resting his cheek on his shoulder. Mika lets himself be lulled by Yuu’s even breaths and steady, rhythmic pulse.
“Jeez”, Yuu mumbles, “Was my blood really that bad”?
Mika laughs a startled, watery laugh. “No, it was good”, he says into Yuu’s collarbone. “That’s the problem”.
Yuu sighs in contentment, splaying his hands across Mika’s back. “It’s good to have you back”.
Something fragile inside of him breaks, fracturing into little pieces. It’s been wanting to do that for a long time. Glass fragments cut raw and jagged. Mika breaks along with it.
When was the last time he was held? When was the last time touch was used as comfort instead of control. Over four years ago, at least, when he could be free with his affection, throw an arm around Yuu, hug his siblings, hold Akane’s hand and stroke her hair when she was sad or scared.
He didn’t think he would ever be held this gently again, least of all by Yuu. If this is pity, Mika finds that he doesn’t care.
He’s crying, he realizes belatedly, heavy sobs wracking his body. Yuu is so warm against him. Mika forgot what it was like to feel warm. Yuu hugs him tight, strokes his hair, and really, he’s being too kind, treating Mika gently, like something precious.
He kept himself together for four years. He didn’t cry, he kept his chin up, ignored everyone around him and refused to interact with the vampires. He didn’t give into despair, even though every day he died a little bit, over and over again.
Even further back, he didn’t fall apart. Crying was reserved for secrecy, he needed to keep a brave face for the children, and needed to have a smile for them.
(It’s awful to miss them, but even worse to not. Sometimes he thinks about them and can’t feel anything and it terrifies him)
But now, he’s sobbing, head bowed into Yuu’s shoulder, clutching desperately at the fabric of Yuu’s shirt. He feels like a weak thing. Empty with an emptiness that can’t be filled.
But the tears and anguish are a slight relief, because maybe they mean he still has a shred of humanity left.
Slowly, the tears run themselves dry. Mika stays still, allowing himself to be held. It feels like catharsis.
Finally, he pulls himself away, drying his tears. “You said that I’m Mika”, he starts, voice hoarse. “But I’m not. Not really. I’m not the Mika that you knew. I don’t even know how to be him- me- anymore”.
“I don’t feel things strongly anymore. I think it’s the curse of a vampire to be apathetic”.
“And I’m never going to grow old or die naturally anymore”, he continues before Yuu can say anything. “If I don’t drink blood I’ll become a demon. I don’t know what it’s like to be happy or to have hopes and desires. Those are all human things, and I’m not human anymore”.
“Isn’t the point of friends to learn everything about each other? Except this time I’ll be relearning you. I don’t care that you’re a vampire, you could be a demon, or anything else. I care about you, Mika”.
“Why”?
“I don’t know”! Yuu says defensively, “You’ve always been special to me”.
Something complicated twists itself in Mika’s stomach. Because he has blood in him, he can feel his cheeks heating up.
“I care so much about family because you taught me that. And I know at least part of you is the old Mika, because you’re still so stubborn and self-sacrificial".
Yuu’s warm hand snakes its way up Mika’s neck, the other carefully cupping his cheek.
“Mika”, Yuu whispers, almost reverent, his hot breath spilling over Mika’s cheeks. Mika shivers. Slowly, Yuu strokes across his cheekbone with his thumb, something like wonder in his gaze. Mika stays as still as possible, afraid that the tiniest movement will break whatever spell this is.
“You really don’t know”, Mika swallows, “how much the thought of you kept me sane down there. And how much you mean to me”.
Mika can’t stop looking- he drinks in the sight hungrily. Yuu’s inky black hair, bright green eyes, and rosy cheeks.
He trembles briefly on the precipice of revealing something. That day in Ferid’s library, he had sworn to keep his revelation to himself, where he could keep it safe. But it’s important for Mika to acknowledge, because it's proof of something- the last traces of his own humanity. And despite all the years they’ve been apart and how complicated their lives have become, he trusts Yuu to keep it safe too.
“I realized that I love you”. His voice is steady. “So thank you, for keeping a part of me human”.
Yuu blinks at him. His thumb stops, leaving him just cupping Mika’s face. Yuu ducks his head, but Mika sees a smile painted on. He’s grinning by the time he looks up.
“How are you still so smart after all these years, Mika”?
“I-what”? Mika frowns in confusion. “What are you talking about”?
“Why you’re so special to me”. Yuu grabs his hand and holds it between his. “Mika”, he says seriously, looking him dead in the eye, “I love you too. You’re so smart, you figured it out for me”.
Mika gapes at him. Yuu’s eyes are shining bright and he starts laughing.
“Stop laughing”, Mika says half-heartedly. Yuu tries to, but he keeps smiling, and then dissolving back into laughter. Mika’s lips twitch up, and he has to cover his mouth to hide his grin.
“I- I don’t know much about love”, Mika says quickly, “And there’s the possibility that I’ll stop feeling things and I’m scared about that because I really don’t want to stop feeling this. I-”
“Mika”, Yuu interrupts, which is good because Mika doesn’t know what he was trying to convey to him. Yuu leans in closer, and Mika scoots forward too. Their knees bump into each other.
Yuu’s face is serious, determined. “Mika. Can I kiss you”? His face goes red, but keeps his steady gaze on Mika.
Mika’s throat is dry. If his heart could beat, it would be racing. “Yes”, he whispers back.
Yuu grins, then leans in slowly, and presses a featherlight kiss to the corner of Mika’s mouth. He pulls back, trying to gauge his reaction. Mika gives a small nod. Yuu takes a deep breath and kisses firmly on the mouth.
Mika startles a little, consumed by the unfamiliar feelings of warmth and soft pressure. Yuu’s lips are lightly chapped and a little wet. Mika’s eyes slip shut. He wraps his hand around Yuu’s wrist and kisses back.
Yuu pulls away after a little bit, pulse racing and slightly out of breath. “Did that make you feel anything”?
Mika’s face heats up. “Yes”, he mumbles.
And it did. There’s some tangled feeling in his chest, some lightness, and giddiness. And for once the emotions don’t seem dulled. They’re so big that Mika can’t even contain them in his body, his mouth curves upward in a smile and he tries to fight the urge to press a hand to his still-tingling lips, as if to confirm that it was something that actually happened.
Yuu looks very proud of himself. “See, you can still feel things now. We can worry about the rest later if it becomes a problem”.
Yuu brings a finger to Mika’s lips before he can protest.
“Don’t argue with me. You’re not a monster, Mika. I’ll keep reminding you until you believe it”.
Mika doesn’t believe it, but he decides not to argue. Yuu tilts his head onto Mika’s shoulder.
“Can I kiss you again”?, he asks, looking up at Mika through his eyelashes.
Mike nods in a daze. This feels surreal.
It’s nice. It’s really nice, but strange to get used to. Yuu’s soft, chapped lips on his, kissing the side of his neck, underneath his jaw, the corner of his mouth. His hands, tangling between Mika’s fingers, the fabric of his sweater, his hair. Mika likes the warmth of Yuu’s body pressed up against him, the soft, sweet smell of his skin. He presses closer. Yuu smiles against his lips, huffs out a laugh. He looks so happy. Mika has never kissed anyone before, and he’s desperately hoping he’s doing it right. He wonders if his skin is too cold to make it pleasant for Yuu. He wonders, (and shudders at the thought) if his mouth tastes like blood.
He feels so much younger than he usually does. Like an actual teenager, all flustered and giddy.
“I don’t really trust your friends,” Mika whispers, some time later. They’re lying on their sides, facing each other, noses practically touching.
“Or any humans in the military really. I know you forgave Guren for using you for the seraph of the end, but I can’t do that”.
“I’m still human”, Yuu whispers back drowsily, “And you used to be human too. And I’m going to turn you back human, no matter what it takes, I promise. So, don’t give up on humanity yet, okay Mika? Promise me”.
Yuu extends his pinky, like he did when they were kids.
Mika smiles, he feels all warm inside. Carefully, he links their pinkies together. “Alright, I promise”.
He laces their hands together, Yuu grins. Mika stares out at the dark sky through the window.
“Yoichi isn’t so bad”, he admits after a while.
He can feel Yuu smile. “Yeah, Yoichi is pretty great”.
“Maybe”, Mika says some time later, “You can tell me about your friends sometime”?
Yuu smiles softly. “I would like that”.
Mika is still going to be wary of them, these humans, but maybe, because Yuu seems to care about them, he can give it a try. And, with Yuu sleeping, head tucked into his shoulder, he can’t bring himself to worry about them.
Mika closes his eyes. It’s very peaceful. He could even fall asleep and dream.