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You’re lying on your bed, music playing softly from your record player as you stare up at the ceiling, thinking about Adam. You’ve been trying not to, actively wishing to avoid the thought, but he just kept popping back into your head, and you’ve finally given up the fight to push him away. You tried reading a book, watching a movie, calling a friend. But nothing could keep your mind off of Adam. The feel of his soft brown hair between your fingers. The way he smells like a mix of cologne and weed and it somehow works. The mischievous glint he gets in his eyes, especially just before he pushes you down on the bed and comes tumbling after you.
You sigh and roll over onto your stomach, resigning yourself to your fate. You fear the worst. You’re in love with him.
This really wasn’t supposed to happen. Which feels a little foolish to even think now. But it wasn’t. The whole thing was just supposed to be friends with benefits, nothing more. Adam was still recovering from the end of his marriage, and you weren’t particularly interested in a relationship. It was a perfect match: two people who weren’t ready for commitment, but still wanted someone consistent to be with. No strings attached, no genuine feelings of love, but you’d enjoy lots of sex together. And Adam is very good at sex. He knows when to be gentle, and when to push things forward, handling you more roughly. He always puts your pleasure first, almost like the fact that he’d be getting off from this too is more of an afterthought. As long as you’re content, he’ll enjoy himself too.
The only problem being--and you really should’ve seen this coming--you’ve genuinely grown to care about him. You want more than sex and drinks at random bars on the road. You want him to take you on a real date. Tell people you’re his girlfriend. Smile at you and spend time with you and tell you he loves you. Because you love him, and the only thing worse than the fact that you’ve stupidly developed feelings where you vowed there would be none is the thought that Adam won’t return those feelings. Everything is completely fucked up. You can’t stay with him like this, when just the thought of him gets you so happy that you can’t help but grin. It’s absurd. And it wouldn’t be fair to either of you that you want more than Adam can give you. But that means that you have to leave him. And leaving him, when you’ve just realized how much you actually want him , well that really fucking hurts.
You feel an ache in your chest at the thought and try to swallow your pain. It’s okay. It’s fine, really. You’ll be fine.
Except for the fact that your mind is drifting back towards him.
You met Adam through Tamra Davis, who’s married to his bandmate, Mike. Tamra’s a director, so as a screenwriter, you’re in some of the same circles together. You’d befriended her through another screenwriting friend, and when you just happened to mention a Beastie Boys song, she’d smiled and told you that her husband was in the band.
“You know,” Tamra had said, examining you. “I think you’d get along really well with Adam.” She smiled like she was planning something. “I should introduce you two.”
You’d nodded and smiled, grateful for the gesture but not believing that it would really come to anything. People were offering to introduce you to people all the time, or take you to some very cool new place, or show you an advanced cut of the movie they were working on. Half the time it didn’t actually pan out. So you didn’t really expect Tamra’s offer to either. Why would Adam want to meet his bandmate’s wife’s acquaintance anyway?
But a few months later, Tamra came through, inviting you to a party at her house where Adam was already in attendance. Mike had smiled at his wife as she introduced you to Adam, seemingly aware of and lovingly amused by her matchmaker tendencies. And you had to hand it to Tamra, you really did hit it off with Adam. He seemed a little nervous at first, but he warmed up quickly enough. Especially once you revealed that you were from New York. Talking about the city was the easiest and most effective way to form a bond between the two of you.
By the end of the night, you were already pretty interested in him. He had soft brown eyes and a great big smile when something amused him. He teased Mike a lot, in a way that you could recognize was loving. He seemed to care deeply for his friends, and you found yourself wanting to be a part of it all. Maybe not getting teased--you were better at being the one doing the teasing--but otherwise, you wanted to be involved. Adam had this sort of magnetism, something that just drew you to him.
You knew from Tamra that he was divorced, and seemed to be against any new relationships. But that was okay, you didn’t want to take things that far. You just wanted to be his friend.
And admittedly you wouldn’t mind a bit more, but you weren’t sure that would ever happen.
It was about the third or fourth time you’d met him--a small gathering you’d turned up at last minute, wondering if he might be there--that something actually happened. You were sitting next to Adam outside while he smoked a joint. You’d followed him out there without a second thought. Maybe a sign you were in too deep already.
Adam looked to you as you watched him and smiled softly, his eyes drifting towards your lips. He seemed like he was going to say something, but he quickly stopped himself, looking away. You wondered what he was thinking, but you didn’t have to wait too long before he turned back to you.
“God,” he muttered, so softly that you almost missed it. Smoke drifted up around the two of you as he blew out a breath.
“You alright?” you asked. You tried to keep your tone light, but it was hard.
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, waving you off. He took another hit of the joint and held it out to you. You weren’t as into smoking but you took it and inhaled, letting the smoke fill your lungs. It occurred to you that your lips were in the same place his had just been. So close to what you wanted, if only by a sort of proxy.
You passed the joint back to him and Adam turned to you, studying you seriously. His eyes were full of an intensity that alarmed you a bit.
“I’m not in a great place right now,” he told you. You were taken off-guard, but nodded. You knew he was still trying to tie up loose ends on the divorce. “I’m not really in the headspace for dating or anything serious.”
You felt your heart-rate speed up as he spoke. You wished you could reply to him, but you couldn’t find any words.
“And yet, I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you,” he concluded. “How much I want to kiss you, how much I want…” He cut himself off, though you were almost desperate to hear the end. “Anyway, it’s stupid. You deserve a lot more than I could give you. But I just can’t stop thinking about you.”
Adam looked away again. You reached out to him, but stopped before actually touching him.
You hesitated as you tried to sort out how to respond. Why was he telling you this? Was it entirely to get it off his back, or…?
Was there some part of him that thought, maybe, hope against all hope, that there was still a chance at working something out?
“Adam,” you breathed. He turned back to look at you, and you struggled to get your thoughts together under his gaze. “I… you know, I’m not really interested in a relationship either,” you finally managed, your voice soft. “I don’t know that I’m ready for everything that entails, and if I really want it anyway. But yeah, I am interested in you, too.”
Adam watched you for a long moment, seemingly processing. You wondered which way this was going to go.
“Are you suggesting we do something casually?” he asked. There was clear desire in his eyes.
“I think that it could work,” you offered. “If we both want the same thing, and we’re on the same page.”
“You’re sure you wouldn’t end up catching feelings for me?” he joked.
You smiled. “I think if we have to worry about either of us catching feelings it’s you.”
Adam laughed at that. “I promise not to fall in love with you.”
“Good,” you said. “Don’t ever tell me that you love me and I think we’ll be just fine.”
“Deal.” He finished his joint and ground the end of it into the pavement. “So, it’d be alright if I did kiss you, then?”
You nodded, and he pulled you into his embrace. He tasted like beer and smoke, his lips surprisingly soft against yours. He quickly tangled a hand in your hair as you pressed yourself closer to him. You were somewhat aware that you were at someone else’s house, and that you couldn’t necessarily have sex with Adam right here on their back porch, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t think about it.
You did pull a few of Adam’s shirt buttons open before the two of you were interrupted by Mike stepping out for some air. He smiled when he saw you, and mentioned that Tamra would be happy. You were both quick to tell him that it was just casual, you weren’t in a real relationship, you just wanted to have sex, but he wouldn’t stop smiling regardless.
You ended up going back inside and enduring about an hour of heated glances, trying to control yourselves while wanting nothing more than to rip each other’s clothes off. When it finally got too much, you rewarded yourselves by making your exit, aware that it was probably obvious you were leaving to go have sex, but too desperate to just do it to care.
Adam took you back to his place, where you wasted no time ripping all of his shirt buttons apart and pushing him down onto the bed. Though he’d quickly flipped you over and pulled your pants down, caressing your thighs and kissing them before making his way further.
That was maybe five months ago, and things have since spiralled out a bit. The boys had been finishing up a new album when you started hooking up with Adam, and now they’re touring for it. You weren’t tied down to any project when they were getting ready to leave--you’ve been working slowly at a script, but you could work on that anywhere--so when Adam asked if you’d like to take your friends with benefits show on the road, you’d accepted the invitation eagerly.
And it was good--fantastic, actually, stealing kisses on the tour bus when no one else was looking, making out backstage after a show, trying out new positions as you cycled through various hotel rooms--until you came to the realization that your feelings had changed. That you weren’t just interested in the sex anymore. That you were actually in love with Adam. That you loved when he spoke softly and lazily after sex; when he called you his girl because he didn’t know how else to describe what you were. You loved watching dumb movies and eating room service with him. You loved when he made stupid jokes; when he got frustrated about something Mike our Yauch did. You loved so many different things about Adam, and you loved him.
The realization had terrified you. And you thought back to what Adam had said, about not catching feelings. You felt stupid for thinking it would never happen to you. You cursed your dumb heart for allowing this, for threatening what had been such a good thing.
And faced with the decision of how to handle it--whether to try to pretend the feelings weren’t even there at all, or to confess them to Adam, praying he would miraculously feel the same--your decision had been to run. Making up an excuse that you needed to be back home, you quickly left the tour before you could ever be forced to confront your feelings.
Maybe not the most mature decision, in retrospect, but it was working alright so far.
Or it would be, if the feelings weren’t still there, taking up most of the space in your brain and demanding to be heard.
Which brought you to right now. Laying on your bed and desperately wanting to just forget about Adam. You’ve spoken to him a few times on the phone since you left, but you’ve tried to be vague and noncommittal, not saying much and hanging up as soon as you can without seeming rude. You promised him you were just busy with your made up emergency, but that everything was alright. At least it was easier to lie to him on the phone than to his face.
You miss him like crazy. Like a little piece of your heart is missing while you’re away from him. Which is how you know this has all gone way too far.
But how do you fix it now?
The record ends and silence fills the room--save for rain hitting your window--but you make no move to change that, continuing to comb over moments with Adam in your head.
You don’t know how long you’ve been lost in your own thoughts when you suddenly become aware of a tapping at the window. At first it blended in with the rain, but now it’s become so insistent that you realize it must be someone there.
Warily, you stand and move towards the window, wondering what the hell is going on and how worried you should be.
When you reach the window, you’re taken aback. Out of all the possibilities, you somehow didn’t expect to see Adam Horovitz crouching on your fire escape, soaking wet from the rain.
“ Adam? ” you ask, confused. He gives you a big grin that melts your heart despite yourself. “What the hell are you doing out here?” You move to open the window and he pushes his dripping hair off his forehead as you do so.
“I came here to see you,” he says, like it’s all so simple and obvious. He steps into your room and immediately starts dripping on the floor. You move away from him as you start searching for a towel.
“How long were you out there?” You locate a few towels and toss them to him.
“Just a few minutes,” he says as he starts drying himself off. His shirt is white and nearly soaked through. After some apparent deliberation, he peels it off. You try not to look at his chest. “I wanted to surprise you,” he adds with a goofy grin.
“Well, you did,” you admit. You’re thrown off-guard by the gesture, to be honest. It’s such a romantic concept, showing up on your fire escape. Like something out of a movie, the hero going to find the heroine and confess his love to her.
Why didn’t he just call and use the front door?
Other than the fact that, if he did, you might’ve pretended not to be home.
Adam twists the towel in his hand. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. We had a few free days, so I just thought…” He pauses, bites his lip. “Are you okay?”
“Of course,” you say, not meeting his gaze. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know,” Adam says, and he seems almost annoyed. “You disappeared out of nowhere, barely any explanation, you hardly talk to me when I call.” His eyes betray a deep sadness that cuts through you. “I have no idea what happened here.”
You feel like you can hardly breathe as you watch him.
“Adam, I’m so sorry.”
Adam looks down at the towel in his hands. You can see his tattoo on his shoulder. You remember discussing it one night, tracing your fingers over the lines on his bare shoulder as Adam tried to explain the meaning to you, laughing. Your heart twists.
“I don’t know if we should see each other anymore,” you blurt out.
Adam’s face drops, and he looks so crushed that you almost take it back immediately. But you need to just rip off the bandaid, right? This isn’t going to work as is for much longer. Sure it hurts him now to lose his friend with benefits when things were going so well, but it’s not like he could even be all that attached. That was the entire point of the set-up. So he’ll be fine.
Though there’s something still niggling at you. Something off about this whole thing.
“Why?” Adam finally asks after a painfully long silence. “I mean, and why didn’t you just say that before I came all this way?”
Because I was too scared , you think, but you hold the thought back. “I was still unsure,” you say instead. “Trying to figure things out.”
“Figure things out,” Adam repeats. “And that’s the conclusion you came to? That we shouldn’t see each other anymore?”
You nod. “It’s for the best. It was never supposed to be very serious, right? So it’s not such a big deal if we just end it.”
“What, are you bored of me?” He seems so upset, you can’t help but take a step back towards your bed.
You nod, even though it’s so, incredibly far from the truth. You wish he hadn’t come here tonight. That he hadn’t climbed up the fire escape like he was Romeo and you were Juliet and you were in love with each other.
Tears are starting to gather in your eyes, and you settle on your bed, looking down at the comforter so he won’t see them.
“Well, now I feel stupid,” Adam says. He pulls out your desk chair and sits down across from you.
You look up at him in confusion.
“Why?”
Adam laughs humorlessly. “Well, I broke our one and only rule. And then I convinced myself that maybe you ran away because you had too.”
Our one and only rule . You feel your breath catch in your throat. “You mean…?”
Adam gives you an annoyed look. “You’re going to make me say it? Fine,” he says, standing up. He digs in his pocket and pulls out a floral patterned napkin. “I was gonna bring a real flower but it was all I could find short notice,” he says off-handedly. “I’m in love with you. I caught feelings. I was an idiot.”
“You love me,” you repeat. You can barely think straight.
Adam frowns. “You’re not going to get me to repeat it.”
“Adam, I... “ You hesitate before deciding to just take the plunge. “I love you too.”
“Okay, no, you don’t need to do this,” he tells you, and you feel your heart sink. “You don’t need to say that just because I did. You don’t, and it’s fine, it’s really okay.”
“Please,” you say, moving closer to him. Adam still looks crushed, but he doesn’t stop you, just watches curiously as you place a hand on his shoulder. You touch his chin with your other hand, tilting it up towards you. He’s shockingly warm for someone who was just outside in the rain. “I love you,” you repeat before pressing your lips to his. “I genuinely, truly, one hundred percent love you. And I was scared of my feelings, and especially that you wouldn’t feel the same way. So, I left. But that was cowardly of me. I love you.”
Adam relaxes into you immediately, wrapping his arms around you. Though he doesn’t kiss you long before pulling away, eyeing you with a smirk. “You love me?”
“Now you’re trying to make me say it again?”
“Well yeah,” Adam says. “I can’t imagine not wanting to hear you say it again.”
“Fine,” you tell him. “I love you.”
Adam grins. “I love you too,” he says, before resuming your kiss with renewed passion. He pulls away again. “You’re going to need to say it a lot to make it up to me after running away like that.”
“I can think of another way I may be able to make it up,” you offer. You pull Adam down on the bed with you, and he immediately finds the hem of your shirt, tugging it up over your stomach. You really don’t want to have to break the kiss long enough to actually take it off, and Adam seems to acknowledge that you’re not quite ready, because he lets go of your shirt and moves his hand to your breast instead, cupping it and squeezing softly. You feel Adam smile against your mouth as you relax into his touch, desperately wanting him to touch you all over. He pushes your pants down a bit and places a hand on your hip, holding tightly, pressing his entire body into yours. Your skin tingles in the places he’s making contact, and you can feel him getting hard. You’ve missed him these past few weeks, and everything that’s going on--a million different feelings and sensations--all feels so right.
Adam breaks the kiss to finally pull your shirt off, reaching to unclasp your bra as he starts kissing you all over.
“I love you,” Adam mutters as he pulls your pants off all the way, and you can tell he’s relishing in the ability to say it. It’s sweet, and you can’t help but smile, which garners you a precious grin in return.
You briefly wonder what this all means, if it means you’re going to be his girlfriend now. Maybe you could rejoin the tour as such. You fit in well with the wives, you’d make a good official addition to the group. And Tamra would be so happy.
But before you can get too far, Adam’s pulling your legs apart, sliding his hand between them, and your mind quickly empties of all thoughts that aren’t just how much you want him in this moment. You moan softly and you can tell Adam’s pleased with himself.
He explores your body, his fingers driving you wild with desire while he continues to kiss you all over. You’re so full of emotion and pleasure that you feel like you might burst. You push a hand through Adam’s hair, gripping it tightly, and now it’s his turn to moan. The sound almost drives you right over the edge, but just as you’re closing in on the feeling, Adam pulls back, sitting up and smiling at you with a teasing grin.
You open your mouth to speak--to demand he continue, really--but before you can say a word, he’s pressing his lips to yours, silencing the words before they even have a chance to form. You relax into his kiss as he moves his hand back down, pulling you ever closer to climax. The sensation starts to build up more and more until finally there’s the release, a shudder and a gasp, and the feeling of Adam’s smile against your mouth. Then, all at once, he’s pulling you up into a sitting position and tugging you into his lap. He lays back down and places his hands on your hips, guiding you onto him.
He places a hand on your ass--squeezing it gently with a smile--as you set the rhythm, slowly working your way up faster and faster.
“God,” Adam says, almost under his breath. “You are so… incredibly hot.” He places his other hand on your hip and looks at you like you’re the most incredible thing he’s ever seen. Like he’s genuinely never seen a woman half as beautiful as you.
He looks at you like he loves you.
“Not so bad yourself,” you reply, though you can barely focus on the words. The grin he gives you gets your attention though, sparking warm feelings in your heart.
You’re getting close to climax, and you can tell by the way Adam’s breathing has changed--becoming shorter, heavier--and the way his fingers are digging into you that he is too. You start to move faster, almost considering pausing to tease him in the way he had done to you, but you quickly decide that you can’t do that to yourself. You need the release.
You continue to move your hips, and Adam starts to let out a soft, low moan. It grows louder until he finally exhales, finishing. You feel a warmth between your legs just as you begin to reach climax yourself, grinding against Adam until you’ve ridden the wave to completion.
You pull yourself off of Adam and collapse onto his chest, both of you breathing heavily.
“I love you,” you whisper in his ear.
“God, me too,” he says. Adam’s breathing starts to slow and he relaxes into the bed. He puts an arm around you and pulls you close to him. You fit so well in the crook of his arm. Like you were meant to be.
“So, I assume this means you want me to rejoin you on tour?” you ask.
Adam’s holding your hand, and he pulls it up to his mouth to kiss it. “I do. Preferably as my girlfriend this time.”
You pretend to think about it for a few moments. “Hmm… I don’t know. I kind of liked being friends with benefits.”
Adam laughs and pulls a pillow off the bed to hit you with it, ruffling your hair.
“Okay, okay, I’ll be your girlfriend,” you say. You do like how it sounds. His girlfriend.
“Thank you,” he says, smoothing your hair back down and kissing the top of your head. “Tamra will be happy,” he comments.
“That’s what I was thinking!” you tell him.
“I’m pretty sure she bet Yauch ten bucks that we’d fall in love by the end of the tour.”
“Yauch didn’t believe in us?” you ask. “Or… would it be that he believed in us too much?”
Adam looks like he’s considering it. “I guess it depends on what you define as successful. Holding out and keeping to our word, or finding that we could be incredibly happy breaking it.”
“True.” You look up at him, his eyes bright and loving. “I think we were successful,” you tell him.
“I do too,” Adam agrees, and the two of you fall asleep together not long after, tucked together just right.