Chapter Text
Jin used to think the time Taehyung spent at his house each year were the best few weeks of his life. His parents rented the same place in late summer, a quaint house on the southern bend of Jeju island, nestled a short half mile from the sea. It was a traditional hanok with white sea-washed walls and a mossy tiled roof. From the porch of Jin's usual bedroom, the faded edge of the island’s sleeping volcano sloped up to meet the sky. During the humid nights, Jin's would climb the outer wall of the garden to sit on the roof with Taehyung and watch the stars, spread out like a thousand glowing lights in an endless black sea.
It was their summer escape from school and city life. A few weeks of beach days, good food, and no rules. For the first couple years, it had only been Jin and his family’s adventure. But then, he met Taehyung.
Taehyung had moved down the road from Jin when he could toddle around and carry a stick - which was important, since using them as swords became their favorite pastime. He was like a younger brother of sorts, and tagged along with Jin like one too. Jin’s mother liked to laugh shyly when she retold the story of their first meeting. Wanting to see the new kid, Seokjin had gone to their house the day they arrived, even though it was raining. Taehyung was crying because he thought the storm meant the sky was unhappy with his family for moving there. Seokjin had held Taehyung’s hand and said he’d beat up the clouds for him.
“I’d never heard him talk like that before!” his mother would finish. “I wouldn’t dare teach my son to say such nonsense! Must’ve learned it from his father,” she scoffed. All the neighborhood ladies would laugh.
Jin had yet to fight the sky for Taehyung, but since that promise, they’d been inseparable. Even the age difference - the three years Jin made sure Tae honored - didn’t stop them from being close. When high-schooler Seokjin swung by the middle school to walk Taehyung home, it instantly made the younger boy the coolest one there. Each day, Seokjin would fit his arm snug around Taehyung’s shoulders and steer him down the road, glancing back to revel in the faces of the open-mouthed boys. Other times, Jin’s gaze lingered on the girls that made sorry attempts to hide their flushed-red cheeks.
When Taehyung was a freshman and Jin a senior, they ran the school. They spent the dwindling daylight hours in the library causing trouble and dreaming of summer.
When Jin left for college, things changed a bit. Jin couldn't come home as often. He said he might not make it for their trip. Taehyung texted less frequently. He was always dating someone who took up a lot of time. A buzz of annoyance would flit through Jin every time Taehyung would hang up his calls or text him something quick. Gtg. She’s here. Or Sorry, I'm busy. Got a date tonight.
That first summer separated came, hotter than usual. The rainy season was late. The dry August heat almost had them cancelling their trip, but it was Taehyung who insisted. Jin worked his ass off for a week just to be able to go for a few days. He spent them on the roof alone, listening to Taehyung tell his girl how much he missed her in their shared room below. When the summer was over, they broke up.
These past few years, with Taehyung dating on and off and failing out of college, their little house in Jeju just wasn’t the same.
Jin doesn’t have high hopes for this summer. The humidity is noticeably worse than normal when they step off the plane, the dry heat of the sun glaring overhead.
“Feels like hell,” Taehyung says, spitting on the scorched grass by the pavement.
“Something like that,” Jin grimaces, pulling his suitcase along the stone-paved road to the car.
When the taxi drops them off at the familiar house, they meet with Jin’s parents for a meager ‘hello.’ They’d been roasting there for a week already, half-melted in their sun chairs.
“Cool drinks in the fridge,” Jin’s father says.
“Don’t steal them all,” his mother adds.
Jin and Taehyung ignore the kitchen and go to their room instead. When they were young, it seemed like a palace, but it’s smaller to them now. And stuffy. Jin opens the door to the porch but closes it once he realizes it makes no difference in the heat. The room is barren, except for a cabinet and a minimalist portrait on the wall. As children, they would spread blankets on the cool floor and open the porch doors to let in the brilliant sunlight. They traced the line of the volcano with their fingertips, making up fantastical stories of an adventure to the summit.
“You should sleep on the left this time so you can charge your phone,” Jin says.
Taehyung shrugs as his first reply. Then, he adds, “it doesn’t matter. I don’t have anyone to text.”
“What about that girl… Mina?”
Taehyung shakes his head. “That was a while ago. You mean Chunhei.”
“Yeah, her.”
“She dumped me.”
“Sorry,” Jin says.
Taehyung shrugs again and sits on the empty floor. He tugs off his shirt with a sigh. “Fucking hot,” he grumbles as he lays back to feel the cool wood on his skin. He closes his eyes and spreads himself out like they’re on the beach instead of here.
Jin swallows hard. A drop of perspiration collects on his neck. Gently, he clears his throat to rid himself of the lump forming there, but it remains. “We should lay out the bed,” he manages.
“In a minute,” Taehyung replies.
Jin turns away to unpack his things. It’s approaching dinner time, but he doesn’t feel hungry. The heat makes it hard to think about anything but rest.
“You get that job yet?” Taehyung asks suddenly.
Jin glances at him. “Oh. Yeah, I did. I start when I get back.”
“Good for you,” Taehyung smirks and folds his hands behind his head. “Always said you would. Hyung is so handsome. I could’ve told you back in middle school that you’d be a famous actor.”
“You did tell me,” Jin says. “But I’m not famous.”
“Yet~” Taehyung smiles up at the ceiling like he’s proud of himself.
Jin swallows again and returns to his suitcase. Taehyung used to tell him that all the time, back in middle school, when they’d been there together. He’d throw wadded up pieces of paper at the ceiling during the after school study. “You’d better not forget me when you’re an actor,” Taehyung would say. “Then you’ll get all the girls.”
“I get plenty of girls already,” Jin grumbled, penciling his old homework into Taehyung’s notebook. “You can have them.”
“Yuck, you know I don’t want any girls.” He stuck out his tongue. “I only have eyes for my hyung.”
It wasn’t the last time Jin heard those words.
A gentle knock at the door rouses them. Jin looks back to Taehyung, who slips his shirt on before giving a nod.
“Hi appa.”
“Hi boys,” he replies, looking Jin over in the open doorway. “Just thought I’d come say hi. Brought you these,” he winks, holding up two beers. “Your mother and I are going to get dinner for us all… too hot to cook. Or sit out at a restaurant. Oh, and I think a storm is blowing in. Can feel it in my back,” he says vaguely, rubbing it. “If you two are planning on going to the beach, you might want to wait until the morning.”
“That’s okay,” Jin says, taking the beers. He glances at Taehyung. “I think we’re tired from the flight. Just going to rest.”
“Good, good. We’ll leave your food in the fridge if you boys want it. Sleep well.”
“Thank you,” Taehyung calls.
“Thank you,” Jin echoes.
The door slides shut again.
“Fuck, what a blessing,” Taehyung breathes, taking both beers from Jin. They’d already been opened, but Taehyung presses one to his chest. The condensation drips down his skin and fizzles away. Jin gulps.
“So refreshing, hyung,” he muses before he takes a sip.
“Gonna share?” Jin smirks, snatching one back.
Taehyung pouts and plops down in another cool spot on the floor. “Guess so.”
Jin sits too. He doesn’t have much to say to Taehyung yet. They’d caught up within an hour on the plane. Taehyung had gone to Jin’s graduation a few months ago anyway. Between then and now, he’d done nothing but apply for the acting job, but had purposely left it out of their original conversation. Taehyung was selflessly happy for Jin, always, but it was hard these days to admit that things were good for him when Taehyung…
“So... you gonna go back to college or not?” Jin murmurs, lips resting on the rim of his bottle.
Taehyung shrugs. “Dunno.” He takes a long drink. “I don’t wanna do anything.”
“That’s not true,” Jin says, rolling his eyes. “You want to be an artist.”
“Case in point.”
Jin grins at that. “Your art is good. You could go far with it.”
“Or nowhere.”
“Maybe.” Suddenly, Jin wants to be closer. He slides across the floor until he can prod Taehyung with his foot, which he does. “But why not just go for it? You’ve never not wanted it.”
Taehyung takes another drink. He grimaces like his beer tastes bitter. “I have a hard time getting what I want,” he says.
Jin’s shirt is sticking to his back. Outside, through the paper screen walls, the daylight is fading. He leaves his beer by Taehyung’s side and pulls the screen open. A wave of humid air chokes him. Dark clouds line the distant sky and the leaves of the garden trees flutter in the hot breeze. The volcano is a blurry smudge on the landscape.
“Rain’s coming,” Jin confirms, closing the screen again. “Better lay out the bed and try to sleep before the storm keeps us up.”
“You’re gonna keep me up,” Taehyung huffs, rolling out of Jin’s way. He steals both beers and lays on his stomach, watching Jin spread out the blankets on his own.
Ever since they were young, Jin has laid an extra blanket under Taehyung’s side. He feels like placing one under his side this time too, even though it will only make him hotter. He doesn’t feel like a child these days. Sleeping on the floor isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Jin finishes the bed by tossing two pillows down beside one another. “You don’t mind sleeping next to me still?”
When Taehyung doesn’t answer, Jin frowns in his direction. He’s deep in focus as he tries to replenish his beer with Jin’s half-full bottle. Jin nudges him in the ribs with his foot. “Just drink from it if you want it so bad.”
Taehyung huffs and narrows his eyes at Jin. There’s a glint of mischief there. Jin pales. Taehyung’s tongue flicks out to wet his lips before he drinks from Jin’s bottle. A line of saliva connects his lips to the rim when he pulls away.
Jin’s face bursts into flame. “You’re filthy,” he says.
Taehyung snickers. He makes a show of downing the rest of the bottle before he rolls on top of the sheets.
“Not gonna shower before you go to bed?” Jin chides, kicking him off. “I’ll even let you go first.”
“Mmm…” Taehyung looks like he wants to protest, but he heaves himself to his feet. “I’ll bring more beer for my hyung,” he adds, pulling a few things from his suitcase.
“We’re not staying up,” Jin calls after him, but Taehyung waves in dismissal as he leaves the room.
Jin waits for him to shut the bathroom door before he closes the door to the bedroom. He shuts his eyes and leans up against it, weak in the legs. His shirt is suffocating him, but he can barely toss it aside. Sliding a hand over his face, Jin realizes he’s trembling. Why had he done this so willingly to himself?
He sees those wet lips on repeat, wrapping around the rim of the bottle before the connection is severed.
A drop of sweat slides from his hairline to his neck. Jin tells himself he shouldn’t.
He takes a few careful steps towards the bed.
My hyung.
These words were Taehyung’s favorite. Jin had always been his hyung. I’ll call my hyung to do it. My hyung is picking me up. Oh, don’t mind him, that’s just my hyung. I only have eyes for my hyung.
When had that phrase come to mean more than it was supposed to?
Jin kneels where Taehyung had just laid, hands resting on his knees. The heat of him is fading, but it's still lingers just enough. In front of him, within arm’s reach, lies Taehyung’s shirt beside the empty bottles. The dry heat of the bedroom was uncomfortable before, but it is suffocating now that Jin’s skin burns from his face to his chest. Even his hand feels weak and unlike his own as he pulls Taehyung’s shirt into his lap.
For a few moments, Jin only straightens it out, tricking himself into believing he isn’t immoral.
Then, he buries his face in it.
Taehyung had used the same cologne since high school. Jin knew because he had taken Taehyung out to get it for one of his dates. Even after a whole day, that scent lingers.
“Do you think it's good, hyung?” Taehyung had asked. He stood in Jin’s bathroom, dressed in skinny black jeans he’d stolen from the closet. He fixed his hair one last time before coming out into the bedroom. “Are you listening?”
“Yeah, I am,” Jin said. He closed the tab to his lecture transcript with a sigh. “I think the outfit’s good, Tae. Doesn’t matter anyway if you’re gonna take it off in a few hours.”
“Hyung, you know it’s not like that. She’s a good one this time,” he’d promised. He crawled over to Jin and leaned in close. “Besides, I meant the cologne. Just enough?”
Jin’s eyes lingered on Taehyung’s neck. He couldn’t breathe well enough to tell if Taehyung had actually put the cologne on. “It’s good,” he said stiffly.
“Mm,” Tae stretched, his shirt pulling up to show his back. “I can still take your car, right?”
Jin tossed him the keys. “Just bring it back by midnight. I gotta drive to campus before it gets too late.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Taehyung said. He turned around halfway to the door and returned to Jin, leaning over him as he reopened his computer. “Don’t study too hard. Wish I could be here with you~”
“No, you don’t,” Jin huffed. He pushed Taehyung’s chest lightly, but he only leaned in more on his hand.
“I mean it,” Taehyung murmured. “Thanks for coming all this way for me.”
“Anytime,” Jin said quickly, removing his hand. “Someone has to make sure you look decent,” he added.
“Well, it must be pretty nice,” Taehyung said, spinning the keys to Jin’s car on his fingers as he moved back. “I’ll always trust my hyung to make me look good.”
Jin drops Taehyung’s shirt. It hadn’t always been so bad, had it? He pushes the shirt away and covers his face. It's the heat, Jin thinks. That must be it. It’s making me crazy.
His eyes flick over to the empty bottles. Taehyung’s lips cross his mind again. Tentatively, Jin reaches out and grabs the bottle that belonged to him.
You’re disgusting, he tells himself as he puts his mouth where Taehyung’s has been and drinks.
It doesn’t taste of him, only of alcohol. Jin lowers the bottle. He’s disappointed, he knows it, but he’s not ready to admit that he’s desperate.
Jin thinks about those lips again and slides his hand into his shorts. He lets the taste of the alcohol linger on his tongue. If they kissed, it would mingle in their mouths. He thinks about that cologne as his fingers drag over the length of his cock. If Taehyung knew how bad I have it…
If Taehyung knew how Jin had thought of him these past few months, perhaps he would’ve been happier knowing he took up so much of Jin’s time even though they were apart. Perhaps things wouldn’t have ended up like this. Silent. Strained. And so fucking hot.
“Hyung I was thinking...” The bedroom door slides open. Taehyung steps inside. “If it rains, we’ll have to skip the beach tomorrow too.”
Jin still has the beer in his free hand, which he scrambles to put down as he smooths his shorts back into place. “Sorry,” Jin says. “W-What was that?”
Taehyung walks in with his towel slung around his bare shoulders and his shorts low on his hips. His damp hair hangs into his eyes as they give Jin a once-over. He hands him a beer with a smirk. “Nothing,” he says. “For you.”
Jin takes it with a nod and drinks half without a breath. “Back in a few,” he gasps, passing off the rest to Taehyung as he closes himself out of the bedroom.
The hallway is cooler, but the bathroom is not. Jin hurries to get the door shut. The mirror is so foggy he can’t see himself - not like he wants to see his flushed face anyway. The bathroom is small enough to keep all the heat trapped in. The toilet is closed off with a wooden door, but nothing except an inch-deep impression in the tile floor separates the shower space from the rest of the bathroom.
He strips and turns on the shower, more steam filling the air. Quickly he switches it cold, but the water only manages to reach a lukewarm feel.
Jin dips under the water, clutching his cock in his hand. The stream of the shower thrums against his back as he strokes it slowly, thinking, wishing, remembering…
He caught Taehyung once like this. It had been in this shower, too. The summer before last. They were in a hurry for something… a dinner reservation, at one of the inland restaurants. They were already late.
“I’m coming in to finish my hair,” is the only warning Taehyung had before Jin slid the door open. At first, Jin thought something was wrong with him.
Taehyung had one hand against the wall and his head was bowed. The water poured off his body in steady streams. Jin took a step inside before it was clearer.
Mist curled around Taehyung’s legs from the shower floor. Water caught in his collarbones and lined his toned body. He had faded marks on his neck from being kissed by someone Jin never knew. Taehyung used his free hand to jerk off with little finesse, quick and desperate. It was clear he was close.
His lips parted before a low laugh escaped. “A little privacy, hyung?” Taehyung mused, glancing over to Jin with a smirk. His hand came to a rest at the base of his cock, holding it erect for Jin to see. “Or do you want to help?”
How he’d thought back to that moment a hundred times since then. It was Taehyung’s style to make jokes like that. To suggest something Jin would never do, just to rile him up, just because he wasn’t afraid of saying it. Jin hadn’t spoken to him during dinner. Not even when Taehyung’s eyes lingered on him, making something burn under his skin. He couldn’t understand back then why Taehyung had made them late just for that. Just to tease Jin with the suggestion of using him.
These days, Jin wonders if Taehyung had meant it. Had he wanted it? If Jin had closed the door and gotten on his knees, would Taehyung have stepped closer? Would he have slid his hand through Jin’s hair before pushing his cock past his waiting lips?
Jin tries to swallow before he starts, but he can’t force it. He can hardly breathe. The bathroom seems to be producing heat on its own, or perhaps it's coming off of Jin’s body. He jerks his hand faster. He leans his forearm on the wall, glancing over to the door. The doors of the hanok slide instead of close. They don’t lock. For the first time, Jin is turned on by it.
He closes his eyes, resting his forehead on the tiled wall. He wants to believe that if he takes long enough, Taehyung will come for him. He’ll stand in the opened doorway and watch Jin for a few moments as he realizes what’s happening. His familiar dark gaze doesn’t waver as he puts it together. He’s pleased at what he sees, because he knows. He knows that Jin is doing it for him.
He’ll slip in and close the door. Taehyung never wastes too much time, not with sex. Jin knows because Taehyung has been through so many girls. He always gets right to the point.
Taehyung would throw his clothes aside and slip in behind Jin, both hands sliding down his wet chest. Their bodies would be pressed close as Taehyung removes one hand to stroke himself until he’s hard. The other stays put for Jin, tracing the v-line from his stomach to his hip. His face burns as he arches his back slightly, as if Taehyung is really behind him. What kind of thing would he say to me if he found me like this?
The answer comes easier than he thinks. Naturally, Taehyung would wait until he’s pushing his cock inside to say, “were you in here waiting for me to take care of you?” he’d start, not expecting Jin to answer as he pushes his tip inside. “Don’t worry,” he’d coo, “I’ll take good care of my hyung.”
Jin whimpers in shame when he comes on the shower wall. Quickly, he splashes it off, desperate to rid himself of any reminder of what he’s just done.
He washes it all from his body, scrubs himself over and over, but he can’t get the heat out of skin. It’s buried there, in the flush of his shame.
Jin turns off the shower. He’d left his clothes in his rush to leave, so he wraps himself in a towel and heads back to the bedroom.
When he slides the door open, the room is dark. Taehyung is illuminated in the square of light from the hallway, face down on the bed. The four bottles of beer they’d collected through the night are empty by his side.
The square of light disappears as Jin slides the door shut.
“Took you long enough,” Taehyung grumbles. “I drank your beer,” he admits, the words mashing together as they come out.
“My bad,” Jin says, tugging on his shorts. “It’s late anyway.”
“Not really. We used to stay up to like, 3 or 4. And we’d go out on the roof, remember?”
“I remember,” Jin replies. He lays beside Taehyung and stares up at the ceiling like he used to look up at the stars. There’s nothing to see but wooden beams and darkness. “It’s too hot tonight.”
“Yeah,” Taehyung agrees. He scrunches his pillow up under his head. “Wonder when the rain’s gonna come,” he murmurs. Then, he falls asleep.
Jin is still awake when it does come, nearly an hour later. Thunder starts to rumble in the distance as early drops of rain splatter the roof. The rest of the storm crawls in just as slow, the falling of raindrops steadily increasing until the screen doors rattle in their frames and water pours from the roof.
Taehyung sleeps soundly, as if he’s made for this. Jin rolls onto his side. Taehyung’s cheek is smooshed in his pillow, flushed and soft, sweat-damp bangs stuck to his forehead. His lips are parted slightly. Jin has the urge to push his fingers between them but he doesn’t do it, he just lies still like he should and imagines that Taehyung will open his eyes.
There was a night, years ago, where they laid on this roof together under the stars. A meteor shower was supposed to hit.
“When you see the first shooting star, what will you wish for?” Taehyung had asked, arms folded behind his head. He closed his eyes and smiled at nothing.
“Easy,” Jin said, watching Taehyung’s long lashes touch his cheeks. “I wanna get into college.”
“Oh,” Taehyung said, turning to him. “Boring!”
“Not boring,” Jin frowned. “I’m really worried about it…”
“Hyung, your grades are great. You do like a hundred clubs and stuff too. Just relax. If they don’t let my hyung in, then they clearly don’t know a good student when they see one.”
“But everyone’s going into business school these days…”
“Hyung, what you should really wish for is to get into an acting school.” Taehyung sat up suddenly. “You applied, right?”
Jin was already looking at the stars again. He sighed. “Taehyung, that’s… it’s just not going to happen.”
“But it’s what you want!”
“It doesn’t matter what I want!”
“It's your dream!”
“It’s a fantasy,” Jin huffed, closing his eyes. “It’ll take more than wishing on a star for that to happen.”
“Not if you don’t try,” Taehyung grumbled. “Now you’re screwed. You let the deadline pass.”
“It’s not like it would happen anyway.”
“You don’t know that.”
“You’re such a child sometimes,” Jin said.
“Whatever. Nothing wrong with dreaming a little.”
“What’s yours then?” Jin asked. The stars were less appealing now that they held empty promises. He rolled onto his stomach and looked at Taehyung.
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” he said.
“Child.”
“Everyone knows that, hyung!”
“I told you mine.”
“It was shitty, though.”
“Shut up. Just say yours already.”
“Okay. But you can’t laugh,” Taehyung murmured.
Jin wondered why he was breathless. “Okay,” he said. “I won’t.”
“I want to stay with my hyung forever,” Taehyung said quietly. The night held still for them.
Jin gave a half-laugh before he stopped himself. “Sorry, it’s not funny. It’s not. I just don’t know why you would wish for something like that. I’ll be your friend for a long time. Why would you think otherwise?”
“Because,” Taehyung bit his quivering lip. “Because of this,” he finished. Then, he leaned over, cupped Jin’s face, and kissed him.
It was Taehyung’s first kiss. He’d have another a few months from now, at a school dance. And then a few weeks later, with one of Jin’s younger friends. He wasn’t very good at it, not until he had all those other girls to practice on. Jin knew he was better now because sometimes Taehyung would bring girls to his house since Jin’s parents went out more often than his own. He had watched Taehyung kiss a lot of other girls. Each time, he thought about this kiss.
Taehyung held Jin’s face between his hands, which were smaller back then. He didn’t move at first, unsure because Jin hadn’t moved at all. The tiles of the roof dug into his back even though they’d brought blankets. Taehyung leaned closer. He pressed his lips firmly to Jin’s to prove he was there, kissing him above their bedroom with all the stars to see.
Suddenly, Jin pushed him away.“Why would you do that?” Jin had whispered. His hands were clenched around the blanket.
“I-I… I don’t know,” Taehyung said, but it was a lie.
“Why would you do that!?” Jin said, urgent.
“I don’t know!” Taehyung exclaimed, rolling to his side. He began to sniffle, his shoulders trembling as he cried. “I don’t know, hyung. I don’t know. I think- I think I’m- I’m-”
“No, you’re not,” Jin said firmly. “You’re not.” Taehyung shriveled up into a ball. “You have a little crush on hyung, is that it? Yes, that’s it. That’s all it is. It’s fine. It happens sometimes. You’ll grow out of it.”
Taehyung curled up with one of the pillows they brought and cried into it.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jin insisted. His heart was racing faster than it ever had. “It will go away. Hyung won’t hold it against you, you know? I promise. We can forget it, okay? You don’t really like hyung, right?”
He shook his head.
“See, it’s fine,” Jin whispered. “It’ll be like nothing happened. Hyung will forget. We’ll still be friends. And you will get over it, okay? Okay, Taehyung-ah?”
“I-I can’t,” he whispered.
But, he did.
Right now, Jin thinks Taehyung looks a lot like he did on that night, curled up with his pillow and his flushed face and his sweet, innocent lips parted like he’d just given his first kiss. How painful it was now that Jin had never kept his word.
“I’m sorry, Taehyung-ah,” he whispers, calling him fondly because the rain drowns his voice. “Hyung lied.” Jin brushes Taehyung’s bangs away from his face tenderly. “I never forgot.”
Sometimes, Jin wishes he could go back to that night even though he knows it wouldn’t change a thing. He’d still wish to go to college. He’d still tell Taehyung he was mistaken. They would still kiss and Jin would never forget it.
I can’t.