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Dean didn’t feel like a man right now.
Looking down at Cas’s greying body framed with ash angel wings, he didn’t feel like the 6’1” man that was pulled out of hell. He felt like 5’8” Deanna who was still using bandages from the first aid kit to have a flatter chest. He didn’t even register Sam running back into the house, or his knees hitting the ground. All he felt was a void forming where his heart should be.
That feeling didn’t go away, not when he had to wrap Cas up, not when he had to burn the body, and certainly not when he had to look at Jack, who was so much like Cas, it fucking hurt.
So when that call came, he nearly crashed the car.
At that moment, when he nearly ran to Cas to hug him because he’s alive he’s alive again he’s here when I needed him like always , his “I do” was not a response, it was an oath. It was a promise to himself. He knew what he had to say. Not right now in front of Sam, of course, but that void feeling convinced him enough that what he felt for Cas was something real, something that he couldn’t brush off again. Not after this.
~~~~~~~
Castiel was, for lack of a better word, pissed .
At first he was angry at Dean for thinking he could control an archangel like someone reins in a horse, but then he was angry at his brother. Well, an alternate version, but his brother nonetheless. He knew of the scripture; it was ingrained in his head, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house”, yet he envied his brother for having claim over Dean. How could he claim something he never saw in its most basic form? How could he claim something that he didn’t truly see himself in? Ever since he pulled Dean out of hell, he could see himself in him, even when Cas didn’t want to admit it. The imperfect soldier, the person vying for a sense of identity, the one willing to rebel from their purpose; these are all things Castiel related to. Michael only saw a vessel to possess physically, while Castiel saw a person that he desired to possess carnally and emotionally. The problem was that he couldn’t tell him that, at least not right now, since Dean was off somewhere being controlled by Michael. Michael’s “claim” over him only served as a reminder of his true feelings. Cas made a vow to himself to tell Dean this when he saw him again. He had to.
The words got stuck in his throat when he saw him again.
It felt surreal, looking at Dean and seeing the remnants of Michael in his soul. But looking into his eyes, he could see that Dean was back. The euphoria locked his vocal cords from screaming I love you I now understand what that means please never do this again I have missed you. That and, of course, his son and friend standing near him.
~~~~~~~~
Time was running out, and Dean didn’t know what to do.
He knew they had ten minutes when they entered, and being a hunter makes your concept of time very sharp. Time was running out, and he couldn’t find Cas in Purgatory. This was not the time to be panicking.
The last time he was here, he felt peace, believe it or not. He felt purpose, direction, and had a pretty cool friend (more like acquaintance but still) to do it all with. Right now, he felt lost, in every sense of the word. If they never left, he and Cas would be right back in the same position they were in before. He let himself bitterly think that it wouldn’t really be that bad, would it? , then realized he knew what he had to do.
He got down on his knees.
No phones in purgatory, right?
He tried to pour all he felt into the prayer. Was this his confession? Maybe, but it was at least a way to clean the slate. He could not let his best friend, the person who somehow knows Dean better than himself, to just be left not knowing that Dean was the one in the wrong, not him. He let his voice tremble. He let himself be honest. This was so much more than a phone call, honestly. It felt different, more….personal. And with the added isolation, it reminded him of that confessional he did all those years ago, about wanting to actually experience things for the first time. Well, this is one hell of an experience, huh?
He nearly crashed into Cas when he saw him.
There was something more about when they met up again, something that made it different from all those times where they had been split and thrown back together. Cas said he heard his prayer. He knew . He knew and he was hugging Dean and being his awkward nerdy self and he knew how Dean felt. He had to know.
~~~~~~~
Cas did not know what to do.
He heard Dean’s prayer. He felt the desperation, the regret, the hurt threaded through his words and he nearly fell with the weight of it. Could Dean…..
No.
This was not the time.
He didn’t even know if the Empty could come to Purgatory, but he wasn’t going to leave it to chance. There was too much at stake right now to let himself get happy over the possibility that Dean could reciprocate.
As the prayer continued, it felt less like a possibility.
Castiel could almost sob as he sat in the roots of a tree and just listened. How could he do this? How could he stand by and watch passively as Dean bared his soul to him? This is what the Empty wanted, isn’t it? It couldn’t torture him with its own reminders, so it had to throw him into an already tumultuous life with the universe’s biggest leash that kept him barking at every opportunity that arose.
What was he going to do?
“Cas?”
He was going to keep it down, that’s what. He is going to keep silent. He had done it for eons before, it shouldn’t be that hard, right?
Feeling Dean’s relief in waves didn’t really help.
He was doing this for Dean. He had to know that, right?
The time would come. He just had to wait.
Then again, telling him wouldn’t hurt, right?