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It’s not that Yoongi hates weddings.
It’s just that, among other things he could be doing on a Saturday night, sitting in a room full of strangers and distant relatives answering questions about the prospect of his own marriage would not be his first choice—nor his second, for that matter.
At least the food is good.
Yoongi takes a sip of his champagne, eyes scanning the room for no other reason than to avoid conversations—maybe if he pretends to be aloof enough, people would lose interest and leave him alone. He didn’t expect to actually spot a familiar face in the crowd.
Like a sunflower in a field of roses, Hoseok’s presence is loud, demanding to be noticed; it’s impossible to miss. Once Yoongi has his eyes on him, he simply can’t look away. Despite the distance, it feels like Hoseok is standing right in front of him, like time has stopped and so has the air around them; it feels like no time has passed at all.
Perhaps it’s true that if you stare at someone hard enough, they can hear you calling their name, because it couldn’t be a coincidence that from across the room, Hoseok turns his head just enough to catch Yoongi’s eyes. Yoongi’s knees almost buckled at the sight.
After all these years, Hoseok still manages to take his breath away.
Hoseok doesn’t smile; he beams, and the whole room shines with him. He excuses himself from the conversation and makes his way towards Yoongi, and with every step he takes, Yoongi’s heart beats louder until it’s all he can hear. Not the indistinct chatter, not the clinking tableware, not even the live music playing in the background. Hoseok holds his full attention.
“Yoongi hyung?”
Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat; his eyes water when he heard the voice he had so awfully missed.
“Hoseok-ah,” Yoongi heard himself saying. The name doesn’t quite ring right in his ears, like a word he’d been reading over and over again until it sounds distorted. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”
Hoseok chuckles. “I think we both know out of the two of us, I’m the one who’s more likely to be spotted at a party.” It’s a harmless remark, but it hits a little too close to home that Yoongi feels the jab straight in his gut. “What are you doing here?”
“The groom’s an old friend of mine,” Yoongi says. “You?”
Hoseok gestures towards the direction from which he came. “I’m a plus one, actually.”
Yoongi’s heart freefalls to his stomach. “Oh.”
It’s been four years since he last saw Hoseok, four years since he walked out of the door one night and never returned. That’s four years of Yoongi trying to fill the hole Hoseok had left in his life, hoping one day the mention of Hoseok’s name wouldn’t bring him to tears.
It’s only now that Yoongi realizes some wounds might never truly heal.
Hoseok, however, doesn’t look at all bothered for someone who is meeting his past lover. Perhaps Yoongi’s presence was never of great significance, hence so is his absence. Or perhaps Hoseok has learned to bounce back, and Yoongi sincerely hopes it’s the latter, not because he hates the thought of him not holding much importance in Hoseok’s life, but because he had caused Hoseok enough pain when they were together; he doesn’t want Hoseok to carry the pain along after they’re over.
He’d rather hurt alone.
“How have you been?” Hoseok half-shouts over the music.
Fine is probably the answer Hoseok is expecting, even though for the most part, Yoongi wasn’t. It’s such a vague question, one Yoongi never quite liked. How is he supposed to condense four years’ worth of ups and downs in a single sentence? Could be better if you were around.
“What did you say?” Hoseok leans closer.
Yoongi gulps, swallowing the words resting on the tip of his tongue. “I said fine.”
Hoseok snorts. “Still a man of few words, I see.”
The truth is, Yoongi is scared once he starts talking, he won’t be able to stop. There’s so much he wishes to tell Hoseok, but how much of it does Hoseok actually want to hear?
Yoongi thought Hoseok would come up with an excuse to go back to his date, considering he doesn’t ask Yoongi any more question. But instead, he lingers. Champagne flute on one hand, he stands next to Yoongi and looks around, as if mimicking what Yoongi was doing before. “Bit boring, isn’t it?” He asks after a while. Yoongi hums in agreement. “Wanna get out of here?”
Yoongi furrows his brows, a mix of confusion and shock. “And your date?”
Hoseok waves his hand in dismissal. “I’m sure he won’t mind.”
Yoongi doubts so, but here is the man that has left his life but never for one second his mind, offering him his time. Yoongi isn’t about to say no. He downs the rest of his champagne in one go and cocks his head.
“Let’s go.”
Nights have always been their thing.
Between Hoseok’s med school and Yoongi’s budding career at a law firm, it’s kind of the only time they had for each other. And for the most part, it worked.
On good days, they would go down to the parts of the city that never sleep, and when Yoongi’s too tired to leave the house, up to their rooftop and order in.
It felt like a world of their own. When it’s dark and quiet, the air around them felt private. Even when they had to share it with fifty other people at a party, the night was still theirs.
At one point, however, Yoongi started coming home more drained than ever, while Hoseok needed the buzz to recharge. “Then go by yourself,” Yoongi regrets saying, because Hoseok never asked him to come with him anymore.
Nights have never been the same since.
“Remember when we used to take long walks like this?” Hoseok asks, looking up at the sky. The streetlights illuminates his face in lieu of moonlight, making him look impossibly brighter.
“I didn’t like walking.”
“I know.” Hoseok smiles. “I did.”
And I liked you.
In fact, Yoongi has lost count of how many things he did simply because it made Hoseok smile (and how many things he eventually stopped doing because it tired him out).
They keep walking until the wedding hall is out of sight and the traffic noises die out. The silence emphasizes that they’re alone, and it feels like whatever word is said between them now will remain here. It makes Yoongi feel a little braver.
“I never asked how have you been,” Yoongi says. “How’s life treating you?”
Hoseok hums, thinking. “Good, I suppose. I’m officially a pediatrician now,” he grins. “Got my own office and all. Pretty cool, huh?”
Yoongi’s smile blooms. “That’s… That’s great, Seok. I’m so happy for you.” He really is. It was what Hoseok had worked day and night towards. Yoongi was there for the sleepless nights and the mental breakdowns and all the times Hoseok almost gave up during his days as a resident. To see that his hard work has finally been paid of is a huge relief, that despite the crises, he didn’t quit after all.
“What about you?” Hoseok asks. “Made it as a partner yet?”
“Junior,” Yoongi presses his lips into a thin smile. He had been so proud about his job—it’s all his parents would brag about. Then why does it feel insignificant now? Perhaps because in the future he had dreamed of, there’s Hoseok by his side. In his ten-year vision, Hoseok would be there when he gets home from work and they would have dinner together and talk about their day and they would watch a movie until they fall asleep on each other. Climbing the corporate ladder doesn’t feel quite as big as an achievement when he can’t even tell Hoseok about it.
“That’s amazing, hyung,” Hoseok beams, patting Yoongi’s shoulder. “Congrats.”
I’d rather have you instead.
“We’re all grown up, huh?” Yoongi smiles wistfully. The walls echo the words back to him.
“Time sure flies,” Hoseok nods in agreement. “Do you still smoke?”
Yoongi shakes his head. He’d dumped the last pack he had the day after Hoseok left. “Weren’t you the one who told me I wouldn’t hit thirty five living like that?”
“And when have you ever listened?”
Yoongi falls silent. Hoseok’s tone was playful, but Yoongi takes it personally.
“I’m sorry,” falls from Yoongi’s lips. He can’t bring his eyes up to meet Hoseok’s; they’re riddled with guilt. “I gave you a hard time, didn’t I?”
“You did.” Yoongi’s heart drops. “But you also gave me a really good time.” Hoseok smiles. “It was good while it lasted, hyung, so don’t beat yourself up too much.”
It was, but Yoongi wishes it would last longer.
It could, maybe, if Yoongi had said yes more often, if he had come home earlier, if he had remembered what Hoseok wanted for his birthday. Hoseok isn’t the type to ask for much, but even then, Yoongi couldn’t give him what he wanted.
Maybe if he hadn’t taken Hoseok for granted.
“Come on,” Hoseok beckons, leading the way. “Let’s get something to drink.”
Yoongi was half-naked when he first met Hoseok, fresh out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist.
Both of them froze on the spot. Hoseok’s eyes were blown comically wide, painfully fixed on Yoongi’s face as he tried not to see anything below Yoongi’s neck. Meanwhile, Yoongi scrambled to grab anything to cover his bare chest.
“I didn’t see anything!” Hoseok shouted, squeezing his eyes shut after the moment of shock had passed.
“S’fine,” Yoongi grumbled, making his way to his room. “If you’re here for Joon, his room’s that one on the right.”
“Actually, I’m—”
Yoongi didn’t get to hear the rest of it. He shut the door behind him as fast as he could and felt his cheeks heating up. What the hell was that?
When he emerged from his room, this time fully dressed, he saw the same guy sitting on the dining table with Namjoon, and that’s when he noticed the two suitcases in their living room.
“Hyung,” Namjoon beckoned, “come here for a second.”
The guy offered Yoongi a sheepish smile. Yoongi gave him a quick one in return.
“This is Jung Hoseok. Med student. He’ll be our roommate starting today.”
Yoongi frowned. “I didn’t know we were looking for a new roommate.”
“Hyung,” Namjoon sighed. “We’ve talked about this. Seokjin hyung’s not coming back.”
“But what if he does?” Yoongi raised his voice. Yes, they had talked about it, and the consensus was that they weren’t going to rent out Seokjin’s old room in case he decided to come back—he never did.
“Well, if he ever decides to visit, he can always sleep in your room.”
Yoongi pressed his tongue against his cheek. He was ready to bark back, but then he caught a glimpse of the new guy—Jung Hoseok—and his bubbling anger popped just like that. Weird.
“Fine,” Yoongi mumbled. “But he’s taking my room.”
There’s no way in hell Yoongi was about to let a stranger sleep in Seokjin’s.
They didn’t talk. At least, not more than five syllables at a time.
Everything that needed to be said was said through post-its Yoongi would leave on the fridge before he left for class. Even then, he wasn’t specifically talking to Hoseok, but both of his roommates. Get milk. Out of toilet paper. Dinner?
It wasn’t that they didn’t have much in common, or that they didn’t click right away. Yoongi simply hadn’t given him a chance. He really wasn’t in the mood to make a new friend, let alone one who was insinuated to be Seokjin’s replacement.
He didn’t want a replacement.
He had moved all of his stuff into Seokjin’s room the night of Hoseok’s arrival; at least the new guy wouldn’t overwrite Seokjin’s existence.
Yoongi knew it wasn’t fair: Hoseok never wanted to be a substitute of a man he didn’t even know. He was simply looking for a room to rent. But even then, Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to warm up to his new roommate. The wall he had built was too high and too thick to be taken down in such a short span of time.
And then, December came.
Namjoon was by no means religious, but his family celebrated Christmas anyway. So when Winter break finally came, he’d gone back to Ilsan for a week. Yoongi, too, didn’t celebrate Christmas, but it’s customary for him to go back to Daegu at least twice a year just so his mother would know he’s doing alright.
On Christmas Eve, Yoongi was ready to leave to catch his train when he noticed Hoseok’s lights were still on. Against his better judgement, he came up to Hoseok’s door and gave it a knock.
“Oh, hyung, you’re leaving?” Hoseok peeked from behind the door. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was unruly; Yoongi suspected he had pulled an all-nighter.
“You’re not?”
Hoseok shook his head. “Gwangju’s too far. Besides, I have a lot to review. Finals start right after the break.”
Yoongi furrowed his brows. “That’s cruel.”
“I know, right!” Hoseok groaned, throwing his head back. “Anyway, have a safe trip to…”
“The groceries.”
“What?”
Yoongi dropped his bag. “I was just gonna go grab some groceries. You want anything?”
“Oh!” Hoseok exclaimed. “Yes, hold on, I’ll write it down.”
Yoongi watched from the doorway Hoseok scrambling to look for a piece of scrap paper and decided to hand him his phone instead. “Here,” he said. “Put down your number and text me instead.”
Hoseok saved his own number as Jung Hoseok Roommate. Somewhere along the way, Yoongi changed it to Sunshine.
“I’ll get going, then,” Yoongi excused himself. He quickly hid his carrier bag in his room before Hoseok could notice. It was the longest exchange they’d ever had, and Yoongi didn’t know what prompted him to say what he said, but he didn’t have the heart to leave Hoseok alone in Seoul.
On his way out, Yoongi gave his brother a call. “Hyung,” he said, “I won’t be coming home this year.”
Hoseok was bright, brighter than anyone and anything Yoongi had ever seen. Even through tough times, it’s hard to see him without a smile. It made everything feel so much easier when he’s around.
Like a firefly, Yoongi always wanted to be close by.
“Just you wait, Jung Hoseok,” Yoongi slurred one drunken night. They were both exhausted from studying, and Namjoon was out with his girlfriend, probably staying the night. Alcohol was the obvious choice. “I’m gonna,” Yoongi hiccups, “I’m gonna pass the bar, and then I’m gonna ask you out for real.”
Hoseok probably didn’t hear a word Yoongi said, having spaced out sometime after his first can of beer. His alcohol tolerance was just that piss poor. But it didn’t matter because Yoongi remembered, even the next morning when he had sobered up. It was the first promise he’d made, the first of many more to come, and he’d chanted it like a prayer.
If he was going to court Jung Hoseok, he wanted to do it right. Not as his roommate, or the guy who walked around the house eating cereal half-naked. No, he was going to be a full-fledged lawyer and have more than two dollars to his name.
And maybe that’s where he went wrong. He wanted to be a man worthy to hold Hoseok’s hand so bad that he lost the time to actually do.
Hoseok left the day after Christmas, when Yoongi hadn’t come home like he promised he would.
They were both swamped with work, Yoongi at the law firm and Hoseok at the hospital. It was near impossible for Hoseok to get a day off from the ER—for some reason emergency cases were higher during the holidays—but it was Christmas, and Christmas was their thing. He couldn’t miss it for the world. So he pulled every string he could and got exactly one day. Twenty four hours. Surely Yoongi would understand.
When Hoseok came home with their fried chicken, the apartment was still dark, empty. He thought Yoongi would be home soon, so he set up the plates and picked out a good movie. He’d waited on the dining table until their dinner went cold, but when he dialed Yoongi’s number and it went straight to the voicemail, he knew Yoongi wasn’t coming home.
He should’ve known. Yoongi had been coming home past midnight these past few months, caught up in work. What made him think tonight would be any different? Hoseok felt like a fool for waiting. He’d clung onto the promise Yoongi made on their second Christmas together, but maybe promises have expiration dates.
“You’ll never have to spend another Christmas alone.”
Hoseok called bullshit.
Maybe it had meant something before, but words hold less meaning with time. That’s why we don’t say I love you only once.
He ate both of the chicken legs, stored what he couldn’t finish in the microwave, and started packing his bags. He wondered if Yoongi would feel the loss, if he would notice which socks had gone missing from the drawer. He wondered if his departure would leave a dent at all.
Eighteen hours. Hoseok sighed, zipping up his suitcase. He had eighteen hours to sleep it off and make a decision. And then he must be back at the ER and life must go on.
“Really?” Hoseok cocks his brow. “An americano? At this hour?”
Yoongi shrugs. “Habit.”
Hoseok rolls his eyes. “You really haven’t changed, have you?”
“I can,” the word escaped Yoongi’s lips before he could stop himself.
Hoseok pauses. “What?”
Yoongi could dismiss it, could ask Hoseok to forget about it and move on, go back to treading thin ice and tiptoeing around. But for some reason the universe has brought them together again tonight, and Yoongi’s afraid tonight is all they have, so he swallows his pride along with the bitter coffee.
“I can be better. For you.”
Hoseok blinks once, twice. “I’m not asking you to.”
“I know,” Yoongi says, “but I screwed up big time,” and this is him trying to salvage what’s left and grow hope out of it. “I was young, and foolish, and I…” Yoongi takes a deep breath. “I should’ve treated you better.”
Hoseok sighs between a smile. “Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve, does any of it matter now?”
The answer is simply no. “Hoseok-ah…”
“You had your chance, hyung,” Hoseok continues. “Let it rest, yeah? Aren’t you finally where you want to be? Junior partner at the age of twenty eight, that’s a feat.”
“What if… no more overtime. I’ll be home for dinner and go to every party with you. I’ll buy you anything you want, just say the word—”
“Wow,” Hoseok snorts, “you’ve really become a lawyer, haven’t you? Are you trying to win me back or make a settlement?”
Another punch straight to Yoongi’s gut.
“Besides,” Hoseok continues, “can you really promise all that? You know you’re probably gonna drown in so much work you’ll forget you ever said that, right?”
Yoongi stills. Quietly, he says, “I can try.” He wants to. God, he wants to.
Hoseok’s gaze softens. “Bit too late for that, isn’t it?”
Yoongi was about to say something when he heard Hoseok’s phone buzz. Hoseok smiles as he reads the text; Yoongi doesn’t like the look of it.
“Let’s go back to the party,” Hoseok says, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “My date’s looking for me.”
Hoseok leads the way, walking a few steps in front of Yoongi. The familiar sight of Hoseok’s back inching away makes Yoongi’s chest clench, his heart stuck on his throat.
Don’t leave. Not again.
He doesn’t want this night to end, not yet.
“Would you have stayed?” Yoongi says loud enough to catch Hoseok’s attention. “If I had treated you better, would you have stayed?”
Hoseok stops on his tracks. “I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Because the fact is, you didn’t.”
Yoongi doesn’t need to be reminded that he had screwed up—he tells himself that every day. Like a fool, he’d relive all the moments he had done Hoseok wrong and in his head, he would do it differently. But no matter how many times he’d try to make it right, he would still wake up with the bed empty.
Maybe this is the punishment for someone who had been trusted to hold the brightest star and let it die out in his palm.
“Your date,” Yoongi says, “is he good?”
Hoseok looks up, and Yoongi doesn’t miss the way his smile blooms and the twinkle in his eyes. He just hopes it means yes. He hopes it means his date buys him flowers and doesn’t hesitate when Hoseok asks him to dance. He hopes it means someone out there knows Hoseok likes his bread with crusts and reminds him not to skip meals no matter how busy he gets.
He just hopes it means Hoseok is happy.
“He is, yeah,” Hoseok finally says. “He’s a good man.”
Yoongi takes a deep breath and forces a smile. “Then I’m glad.”
The wedding hall comes back to sight, and Yoongi dreads the moment that’s about to come. Like everything else, this night, too, must come to an end, and he must return to his cold bed alone.
“My date’s over there,” Hoseok points at a man waiting outside. He looks young, handsome; Yoongi only wishes for Hoseok the best.
“That’s my cue to leave, then,” Yoongi smiles in defeat. “Until we meet again?”
For the first time tonight, Hoseok’s smile cracks. Yoongi catches his eyes water before Hoseok launches himself and hugs Yoongi tight. “Take care of yourself, yeah?” his voice wavers. “Don’t try to be a better man for me; just be better. And whoever comes along next,” Hoseok sniffs, “they’re a lucky one.”
Can’t it be you? Yoongi wants to ask. But he’s asked Hoseok enough tonight, so instead he says, “I will.”
Slowly, Hoseok lets go. The cold hits again; Yoongi wishes he could keep a hug forever.
“I gotta go now,” Hoseok says, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Live well, hyung.”
Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to seeing Hoseok leave.
“You too.”
Hoseok stares out of the window, watching the lights go by in a blur. Who would have thought, after years of living in the same city and never crossing each other’s paths, that he would meet Min Yoongi here in Daegu.
Life is funny that way.
“Where did you run off to?”
Hoseok shrugs. “Oh, just out to get some fresh air.”
“That boring, huh?” Taehyung looks apologetic. “Sorry for dragging you with me.”
It was alright, until Hoseok saw Yoongi in the crowd and suddenly the whole room dimmed around him. “Nah, it was worth seeing the look on your father’s face.”
Taehyung glances at the passenger seat and chuckles. “Yeah, that’ll shut him up for a while.”
The rest of the ride back to their hotel is silent. Hoseok has his forehead pressed against the window and his mind back in the streets of Daegu. It’s a dangerous game to play, what ifs. That’s why Hoseok would rather not start in the first place. But after tonight’s meeting, he’s not so sure if he can remain as resolute.
The car comes to a halt, but Taehyung doesn’t immediately turn the engine off. “Hyung.”
“Hm?”
“That guy you were talking to… wasn’t he your ex?”
Hoseok’s heart misses a beat, like a kid caught stealing from the cookie jar. “Yeah.”
Taehyung raises his brows, smiling cheekily. “Well, did you tell him?”
“Tell him what?”
“That you’ve been single for four years now?”
Hoseok shakes his head and unclasps his seatbelt. “No.”
“Why not?”
Because after being in the dark for so long, Yoongi will latch onto any sliver of light. He saw the desperation in Yoongi’s eyes, and he could already tell it isn’t going to end well. He knows Yoongi: he’ll make promises as collateral until eventually he’ll get used to the light again. Hoseok doesn’t want to sit through another dinner alone.
“You don’t give hope to someone who’s starving, Tae.”
One day Yoongi will learn to stand on his own two feet again, will understand that Hoseok didn’t leave because Yoongi didn’t buy him enough flowers, and maybe when that day comes, Hoseok will be around. But tonight was never about giving Yoongi a second chance. What he truly needed was a wakeup call.
Hoseok can only hope he will pick it up.