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"Hey—my God, Han Juwon, when did you get so heavy?" Dongsik groaned as he slung the inspector's arm over his shoulders. Jae-yi stood at the butcher shop entrance and watched the two men worriedly, her eyes flickering between both figures.
Eventually, she asked, "Ahjussi, are you sure you'll be alright?"
Dongsik instantly turned his head around to smile at her and nod. He tried to hold back a wince as his neck started aching. "Yeah, don't worry about me. Just go back inside and rest, it's been a long day."
She stared at him for a little longer, not once believing his words, before turning to walk back inside, her concern as loud even when the doors were closed.
Juwon sighed then, and it felt like metal liquifying over Dongsik. His body tilted dangerously to the side as he withheld the younger man's weight against his own, and their slight difference in height certainly didn't alleviate the situation one bit. Dongsik's left hand slid around Juwon's waist so he could clutch the man's torso and hold him up, with his other hand reaching to grip onto Juwon's hanging arm over his shoulder. It was a mess, their limbs intertwined over each other like overgrown vines and Dongsik was already panting when he began walking in the direction of his house.
Well, their house.
He told himself internally that working on the yard wasn't enough of a daily exercise, evidently, and perhaps he should consider joining Juwon on his morning jogs. It was just hard sometimes, to keep up with the younger man's stamina.
It was also hard to predict Juwon most of the time, especially tonight when he'd dunked down three bottles of soju all by himself to everyone's surprise.
Because Han Juwon doesn't drink a lot, at least publicly. Dongsik was aware of his need to hide the inevitable vulnerability that often came with getting drunk and honestly, he didn't mind it. He liked that Juwon would always be sober enough to drive them back and save the trouble of staggering on the way home. He also liked how Juwon would take care of him when they arrived home and his wasted body would fall on the bed still fully clothed, and Juwon would sigh before silently dressing him into more comfortable garments, then later joining him under the covers to sleep.
There was a delicate vigilance in how Juwon handled Dongsik in his unguarded state. He was gentle and unlike any of Dongsik's first impressions of him; young, rough, inconsiderate. A passerby that he needed to make sure doesn't stick his nose too far into this town. Now, he didn't think twice about letting Juwon fix his hair in the morning or complain about using the dry cleaners when they had a perfectly functioning washing machine and ironing sets at home, he didn't mind that Juwon would use his t-shirts during the summer, or even find his shampoo bottle half empty in the morning only to later smell it on the younger man's hair when they're lying in bed, and Juwon's sighing into his neck as he littered Dongsik's skin with tired, absent-minded kisses that led to nowhere but left him breathless and glassy-eyed.
In short, he was always the one being taken care of on nights of getting utterly wasted and not once did he ever have to handle a drunk Juwon. Until tonight.
Dongsik sighed and hauled Juwon up so he could stand properly. "Is work that hard? You can tell me, you know. It concerns me when you don't say anything."
If there was one thing he learned from a drunk Juwon so far, it's that he was… significantly quieter than usual. He was already a man who didn't speak unless necessary on a normal basis but after three bottles of soju it was as if his lips were sewn shut, and all Dongsik got was his eyes turning cloudy and his frown deepening the more he drank the harsh liquid. Juwon was so reserved most of the time it scared him; how it often felt like Juwon had tied a blindfold around his eyes so he was unable to see anything that the younger man expressed. He was aware of the precarious corners that Juwon's thoughts would occasionally slip into and he feared it so much that sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night just to make sure he was still next to him in bed, that Juwon hadn't disappeared into the shadows of his own mind.
"Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to help you with work. Just because I'm on probation doesn't mean I lost my touch as a detective," Dongsik joked as an attempt to make Juwon talk only to no avail.
Their walk home was tedious and unsteady, with Dongsik having to pause every now and then so he could fix Juwon's posture against him as well as catch his breath. He was overwhelmed by the dead weight of the younger man's body but he persisted nevertheless. It was Han Juwon anyways, he didn't mind a lot of things when it came to him.
Juwon's head lolled over so it rested on Dongsik's shoulder right as the older man tried to take a glance at him. He was breathing silently but Dongsik could feel it dense and leaden when it was exhaled through the crisp cold air of November. Juwon was obviously troubled by something, and he drank more than he could normally tolerate (not that Dongsik even knew his tolerance level for alcohol) which was why it itched Dongsik a lot. He raised his gaze up to the sky, trying to find solace in the clouds that loomed above and watched them move steadily, clearing up the airspace until he could find the moon dimly staring back.
He then continued walking, with Juwon as silent as ever next to him although his presence bore into Dongsik's skin like vibrations from a speaker. The older man sighed in relief when the familiar gates appeared in view and regained the energy to walk.
"Juwon-ah, wake up, we're home," he whispered, hoping the young inspector would walk on his own. It wasn't the first time he'd said it but the words were foreign yet comfortable on his tongue. We're home. It was something he remembered his parents would say to wake him and Yuyeon up whenever they dozed off in the backseat of the car, it was something he told himself when he returned back to Manyang from Seoul despite it boring a hole into his chest, and it was something he often said to Juwon now, with the remnants of what he'd lost slowly returning for him to piece together.
Home was found again, he once thought, when he let Juwon in.
The second they breached past the doorway, he finally heard Juwon speak after a whole night of silence. "Water," he weakly whispered into Dongsik's ear, and his chest rippled with a quavery exhale. He never knew he could miss hearing Juwon's voice until now.
"Okay, I'll get you water," Dongsik replied quietly. I'll take care of you.
He brought Juwon along to the kitchen and let him lean against the counters while he pulled out a mug from the cupboard. Juwon's mug, to be exact. He filled it with water and handed it wordlessly to Juwon, whose eyes were barely opened as his head hung low between his shoulders. Dongsik gently pushed the mug against him so he could take it, and watched the man jerk upwards before averting his gaze down.
"Oh, thank you," he said with a sluggish bow and took the mug in both hands. He must've been really thirsty because he swallowed the entire content in one go, and Dongsik watched his throat undulate rapidly as the water ran down. None of them spoke when Juwon placed the mug beside him on the counter, or when he sighed laboriously, or when the windows started singing as tiny stones started to fly into them with the help of a growing wind. It was quiet, and it was difficult for Dongsik to take in how Juwon's body lumbered under the influence of alcohol and over-thinking.
It was why he found himself tearing through the silence to say, "It's unlike you to drink this much so what's wrong? What's troubling you? Tell me, Juwon-ah."
Juwon blinked when he raised his head to find Dongsik's eyes. His eyelids were heavy when he slurred over his next words, "Dongsik-ssi, why do you never tie your shoelaces?"
Dongsik frowned. "What?"
"Do you know the statistics of injuries related to untied shoelaces?" Juwon paused as if to catch up with his thoughts. "67 percent…! Out of 1000 cases with lost footing. Those were cases with children but that's a lot, Hyung. Many."
Dongsik scoffed, perplexed by this sudden turn in topic. "Hey, punk, is that even a real statistic or did you just make it up? Also, in case you forgot, I'm a grown man in my 40s, not a child."
Juwon shook his head fervently. "No, it is real. You—" he inhaled sharply. His head must be spinning. "You can search it up… later. And, there were plenty of cases with adults too. It's a real problem, Hyung. You shouldn't take it so lightly."
Dongsik took back whatever he thought about Juwon being a quiet drunk because he definitely wasn't right now. He didn't know what to make of Juwon lecturing him about shoelaces with statistics that may or may not even be true, but he was glad to hear the man talk, even if it wasn't regarding things he wished to hear.
He sighed and nodded. "Alright, okay, I'll make sure to tie my shoelaces later. Let's go to bed for now."
Right as he said that, Juwon suddenly stepped forward and held his hands out to grip both of Dongsik's shoulders. He was facing down, and Dongsik caught a whiff of his shampoo again in the younger man's hair.
"I'll tie it for you," Juwon quietly said then, eyes not quite aligning with Dongsik's disbelieving stare.
"What are you talking about—? Tie what? Juwon-ah, you're drunk, let's just go to bed."
"No, no, I'll tie it," he insisted. "I'll tie it for you." With that, he breathed out when he slowly moved towards the floor, his hands that were on the older man's shoulders now sliding down his arms. Dongsik's breath was stuck somewhere in his throat, or perhaps it never really materialised in the first place. He didn't try to look down and only fixed his eyes on the wall across him, all the while struggling with the memories of that night running through his head, where both of them were abused by the relentless rain, Juwon's wet eyes desperate as they bore into his with his words tumbling down like hail, I'll go to hell, and oh, Dongsik wished Juwon knew the sleepless nights that followed, the unending worry of what Juwon meant by hell, if he'd even survive it, and what he'd do if Juwon never came out again. Those words haunted him like the tragedies from decades ago, and it was loud like his mother's piercing scream upon finding those fingers, it was cold and it nipped onto him like the incisive pain that shot through his legs, like a bullet in the dark. Since then, he would still feel rain running down his face whenever he hears the words in his head as if it was all just a vivid dream.
Only now, there was no hell. There was just Juwon with a copious amount of alcohol in his bloodstream and his dedication towards tying Dongsik's 'shoelaces', and he was on his knees, and his warm breath would slip past Dongsik's shirt where it caressed his skin so tenderly.
"Juwon-ah…" Dongsik sighed, trying to hold in the tremors in his voice.
Juwon's hands left his arms then and were lethargic when they rested on his house slippers. His fingers ran over the soft fabric. Juwon was quiet for what seemed like the longest time and Dongsik felt panic rising in him; he didn't want another blindfold, he didn't want to spend another minute without hearing Juwon's voice anymore. He was about to call his name when Juwon suddenly spoke, disappointed and apologetic, "I'm sorry. I can't find the shoelaces."
Dongsik felt his chest shrinking until his heart was constricted. He had the faintest idea that maybe Juwon wasn't talking about shoelaces after all and that his need to tie them together was just another deep urge to atone for all the times he'd hurt Dongsik—except now he was drunk, and the only thing his intoxicated mind could come up with was Dongsik's goddamn shoelaces. It was ridiculous but it was devastating; that even when he was not in a proper state of mind he still felt the need to make things right.
Dongsik closed his eyes briefly, shaking his head as he said, "I know. It's okay. You don't need to find them."
"I'm sorry," Juwon repeated, his voice thick with a sob.
"Han Juwon, I won't die over untied shoelaces. You can stop worrying over it."
"But the statistics—"
"Those statistics can go damn themselves. I don't care about them, so you can get up now."
Juwon didn't stand immediately. His hands found Dongsik's arms again but instead of using them as a support to get up, his head fell forward until he had his face burrowed in Dongsik's abdomen, a desperate press into his shirt where the older man would then feel Juwon's lips parting as his breath ruptured past the fabric and onto his skin. He was quivering against Dongsik's body, and in that moment he felt so small, so fragile and lost. Dongsik brought himself to look down and the sight burned every inch of his skin. Juwon's arms now circled around his waist so he was embracing him, his hands meeting at the back with his face never pulling away, until it was just them in the kitchen at nearly 12 am, with Juwon on his knees, with Dongsik engulfed by Juwon's need to hold him together.
Dongsik smiled fondly down at him and placed a hand on Juwon's thick hair, combing his fingers through the strands like he remembered his mother would do to him. He knew the loss that Juwon had been facing since the second he was born, the intrinsic loneliness rooted within him so that he didn't know what it meant to not be alone, or be taken care of. He didn't know that people can be kind and tender, or specifically, that they could be kind and tender towards him, and so this simple act of Dongsik stroking his hair before his hand cupped the back of his head was enough for him to tremble with a desperate whimper escaping his lips.
"Gosh, Han Juwon, did my shoelaces bother you that much? You should've told me. Or tied it yourself, I wouldn't have minded," Dongsik laughed but it was nothing taunting. There was only affectionate disbelief in his tone.
Juwon's face now turned to the side so he had his cheek resting on Dongsik. Perhaps he was finding it hard to breathe after all. "It's a serious problem. You shouldn't joke about it."
Dongsik laughed again, "I know, I know, you punk. Even when you're drunk you still find things to nag me about… what will I do with you, hm?"
"Just listen to me," Juwon replied sombrely.
Always so serious. But that's what tied them together, as it always did.
Later, Dongsik helped Juwon strip away his coat, followed by the rest of his clothes. He stood in the bathroom naked, save for his boxers, utterly lost as to what to do. The alcohol was slowly dissipating so his eyes started to appear clearer, and his blinks weren't as languid as they were before. He watched Dongsik open the wardrobe and pull out garments he'd normally use for bed, ones that were soft against his skin and didn't stifle him whenever he began to twist and turn under the covers from a long due nightmare.
There was a restful silence between them, accompanied by the occasional shuffling of footsteps across wooden floors and calm breaths disturbing the air. The night didn't feel angry, for once, and the stones that ran into the windows now sedimented to the ground and all that was left was the wind, a tranquil blow against the surfaces. Alongside the ageing night, Juwon never took his eyes off the older man and Dongsik was aware of it, he could feel his neck flush from the undivided attention but it wasn't anything new. He knew how much Juwon looked at him, whether it was from curiosity or just fondness.
After gathering a couple more things, Dongsik walked over to the bathroom where Juwon stood at the door, rubbing his arms awkwardly. Dongsik noticed how he was still blurry with the terms of reality and it was endearing to look at, so he lightly pushed the younger man to go further into the bathroom and shut the door behind them. Still, no one had spoken since they left the kitchen. Dongsik ran his eyes over Juwon's face, down to where his neck met his body and the fairness of his skin and the misty red patches over it as a result of inebriation. While scrutinising every detail of Juwon's body as if it was the first time seeing it, Dongsik felt his lungs fill up with an affection he never knew he was capable of experiencing, especially for someone like Juwon, who was once considered a stranger to him. All these years he was surrounded by people he'd seen since a child, and the care he had for them was a natural outcome that grew over time, where the complete understanding of what made them who they were came as easy as learning the alphabets.
But Han Juwon; he was someone new, he wasn't a neighbour or someone he'd often find in the produce aisle of a nearby market. He came in pointing fingers with serrated edges and emotionally tainted eyes buried underneath layers of guilt and determination and loneliness that all coagulated into pretence and something distant, withdrawn, almost like an alien roaming the grounds for the first time yet didn't feel the need to ever ask where exactly he was. Dongsik found all this in him, and the more he spent time with him the more he realised Han Juwon was still a seven-year-old boy who felt more than he ever should've, who'd been carrying a burden he didn't even know existed from the lack of care and reliable shoulders. Because growing up, that was all he knew; to be by himself. He didn't know the concept of lending some of that weight and showing him how to do so was one of the first things Dongsik planned to teach him.
"Sit down," Dongsik said, and benevolently shoved him to sit on the closed toilet. Juwon didn't question it, partly because he was still clouded, but also because he must've been tired. It wasn't until Dongsik took a cloth, which he'd scarcely soaked in water, and began wiping at Juwon's face did he jolt back to reality.
He leaned away from the cloth and frowned. "What are you doing?"
Dongsik sighed. "What else? I'm taking care of you."
"I… can do all that myself."
"Do you think I don't know that?" Dongsik scoffed. "I want to do this, let me do it."
Juwon tried to argue again but Dongsik was already leaning down so his face levelled with Juwon's, and he was gently wiping the cloth against his skin, down his temple, under his eyes, the corners of his lips. The coldness of the cloth seemed to wake Juwon up because he was breathing better now, and his eyes were more focused when they fixed on Dongsik's face, which was mere inches away just hovering before him.
Dongsik dragged the cloth down to his jaws and slid it across his neck, the back of his head, travelling across the dips of his collarbone. He thoroughly cleaned him so the alcoholic smell rubbed away and all that remained was Juwon's weary scent. Dongsik stopped at his chest before grabbing a comb and started to run it through Juwon's unkempt hair (which was an extremely rare sight).
Slowly, Juwon's lips softened into a smile, and he'd closed his eyes when Dongsik's fingers trailed his scalp along with the comb.
Dongsik noticed his delighted face and breathed out a laugh. "Does it feel that good?"
Juwon nodded. He really looked young then, the creases along his face from the worries that had haunted him now smooth and delicate, and he was pretty, and Dongsik loved him, and he didn't think he wanted to do anything else besides giving Juwon the care he should've gotten. He set the comb aside and quietly told Juwon to raise his arms so he could slip the shirt on, which the man did obediently and without any opposition. Dongsik watched his face reappear through the collar and smiled.
"Do you think you can brush your teeth or should I help you with that?" Dongsik asked, jokingly, and was elated to find Juwon throwing him an incredulous glare.
Time seemed to move slowly by the time Dongsik finished showering and Juwon slipped under the covers half-asleep, his body heavy against the mattress. Dongsik watched the man settle in the darkness, partly lit by the lampposts outside, and thought about the struggles both of them had gone through to get to this point, the years he had suffered by himself, and how Juwon hastily told him that he should stop now, that he'll suffer instead as if that would take away the trauma imprinted in Dongsik. He was so foolish and desperate, blinded by guilt and the need to atone for things he hadn't even done that it ended up clinging onto him until now.
Dongsik silently laid down in bed and instantly Juwon's body curled towards him. He slipped an arm under the younger man's head and pulled him towards him so they were warm now, fighting against the cold breeze that tried to slip through the windows. A few minutes passed before Dongsik asked, "Why did you drink that much? And don't tell me it was because of my shoelaces. You know that it's bullshit."
Juwon took a while to answer. Dongsik could feel his eyelashes fluttering against his bare chest, their uneven movement indicating he was still awake. Then, he said, "No reason. I just wanted to know what it was like to be drunk."
Dongsik almost laughed. "Are you saying you, Han Juwon, did something for no reason? Especially something as reckless as getting drunk?"
"What's wrong with that?" Juwon frowned when he pulled back a little to look at Dongsik.
Dongsik stared at him, still not believing his words, so Juwon sighed and hid his face as he grimly said, "I wanted to know. What it felt like to be drunk and taken home by someone, or be given water. My fr—my classmates used to always talk about it but I never really wanted to try until now."
There was a momentary silence before Dongsik smiled and said, "Goodness, you sound so humane now, Han Juwon."
"What does that mean?" He could feel Juwon frowning again.
"Is it that hard? To just say you want to be taken care of?"
Juwon was quiet again. He thought a lot, which was what Dongsik considered at that moment.
"I didn't know how to ask," Juwon finally concluded.
That was what made Juwon who he was, apparently. A man who still didn't know how to ask for things because he'd always done it by himself. Sometimes it was a matter of pride, but other times it was plain inexperience. And it was fine, it was okay because all Dongsik knew was to give. There was a reluctant magnetic pull between the two of them where Juwon didn't know how to take yet Dongsik was constantly ready to lay it all out for him, which was why they worked, somehow. Why the anguish that had clung to Dongsik for decades now felt blunt and calm, a quiet storm that he watched from afar because he knew it would not come close anytime soon, for as long as Juwon was here to remind him that living was possible, that losing his family didn't mean he no longer had a chance to be loved.
"You don't have to ask," Dongsik replied, defeated because he finally felt fatigue slip into his body. "You don't have to be completely drunk for me to take care of you. The last thing I want to see is you becoming an alcoholic." He could see the sour expression on Juwon's face.
"Although, I do admit you being drunk is quite cute," Dongsik added, and started laughing when Juwon tried to wiggle out of his hold.
"Don't say that," Juwon grumbled. "I'm not cute."
"Are you not?"
"No."
"Okay, whatever you say," Dongsik smiled and pulled him tighter until it felt as though they met internally, and he could feel Juwon's blood start to run through his veins, and the mixed fragrant of his shampoo and Juwon's body began to merge together so he no longer felt like he was alone anymore because he was there, in Juwon's scent, his clothes in his wardrobe, his pain in his guilt.
Silence settled then, when Juwon finally learned what it meant to ask for something, and when Dongsik knew exactly what to give before Juwon could even try to ask.