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Their friendship is unquestionable.
No, scratch that.
Their relationship is unquestionable.
They understand each other with or without words.
Silence is always a thing for them.
Silence is always calming, like the crispy sound of footsteps against the dried fallen leaves that have turned yellow on every morning walk they go for every autumn.
Silence is always comforting, like the extra fluffy blanket they share while cuddling with each other during the freezing winter nights despite the heater turned on.
Silence is always warm, like the pretty morning rays of sunlight they look forward to in spring, the kind of heat that brings a dose of tranquillity to their soul.
But silence, like summer, can leave them drowning in the intense heat.
And out of all days, on Jaemin’s 22 nd birthday, the silence burns a little too much for a scorching summer night. The silence hurts so bad that Renjun physically feels his heart being lit with fire, burning into ashes, like the collection of polaroids of him and his ex that he set fire to a few years ago. It leaves Renjun gasping for cold air in the middle of an air-conditioned room decorated with yellow and pink paper lanterns and pennant banners.
“You okay, Renjun?”
The deep voice that used to lull him to sleep approaches his ears, before the owner of the voice takes the empty seat beside him at the corner of the room, a few meters away from the crowd of people who are jamming to Shake It Off by Taylor Swift blasted through the high-end speakers owned by SM Entertainment.
The other twenty members seem to be having the time of their lives, dancing and jumping to the energetic beats in the middle of the practice room, surrounding the birthday boy who tries hard to fake a smile for the recording cameras at every angle. A special video dedicated for Jaemin’s birthday celebration will be posted soon to promote his new acting role as a psycho in a drama series called ‘The Loudest Silence’.
“Hm?”
The low hum by the bigger man beside Renjun sends chills down his spine, before he turns to the handsome man with a forced small smile.
“I’m fine,” Renjun replies, “just tired with the birthday planning and all.”
Jaehyun nods, seemingly satisfied with the answer. “Makes sense. The party is a big success, kudos to you. It’s not easy to gather all 23 of us and make sure Jaemin suspects nothing,” he reassures, “but baby—” he coughs, “Renjun, sorry,” he coughs again, “do you even sleep? Your eyes are red.”
Renjun looks away.
His gaze turns to the big banner in the middle of the room, with his self-painted art of a cute bunny resembling Jaemin and a huge ‘HAPPY JAEMIN DAY! 22 nd SUMMER WITH JAEMIN!’ wish on it. He has put a lot of effort on the banner, with hopes that the love of his life will appreciate the hard work. He has been sacrificing his sleep for 3 days, creeping out of their bed in the middle of the night, working on the banner quietly in Jisung’s room with two lit candles as his source of light.
“You didn’t even go all out during my birthday a few years back,” Jaehyun chuckles with a failed attempt to lighten up the mood, “guess you’re so into him this time, huh?”
Renjun’s eyes follow the slender build of his lover, who is slowly making his way out of the sea of people before Haechan grabs his wrist and yells something Renjun cannot decipher with his clouded mind. He can see Jaemin letting out a heavy sigh and rolling his eyes at the dork in front of him, and while he turns to his left and moves his body to the rhythm, their eyes meet.
A glance.
That’s all it takes to tell Renjun that something is absolutely wrong with Jaemin, and Renjun is the cause of the problem.
Jaemin looks away after a second, face wearing an apparent frown as he forces his body to dance to the song.
Renjun feels like he is being swallowed whole by the earth, dark and suffocated. His breathing becomes erratic, hunger for some fresh air to get him away from the choking sensation.
And in the midst of the situation, he genuinely hopes that NCTzens won’t count the amount of people swarming Jaemin. That will save him some crap.
He’s had enough for the week.
But jokes on him, just when he thinks Jaemin won’t hurt him more than he already does with the obvious silent treatment, he finds his heart shattering into invisible pieces.
It’s the photography session, with a few cameras still recording their actions, and the members try to squeeze Renjun beside Jaemin in the center non-verbally, only for Jaemin to decide that he will kneel in the center of the front row.
“I want to show off this pretty Celine shirt Mark bought for me,” he reasons out.
Everyone seems to be convinced with his excuse that it amazes Renjun how great Jaemin is at shutting people out. And God, he desperately wants to escape the room, to run away from everyone and free his mind from the tangled thoughts.
At the third freestyle pose, Renjun notices how the birthday boy doesn’t wear their anniversary bracelet or even Dream’s friendship ring. His neck is also bare from the couple necklace.
For a second, Renjun finds himself pathetic.
He pities himself for allowing a man to kill him inside with some stupid silent treatment that never helps in any relationship.
They are already in their dorm, but instead of sleeping on their bed, Jaemin opts to sleep in his original room – the one with Jeno. No words exchanged between them in the car twenty minutes ago, but when Jisung asks Jaemin if he’s okay, the latter replies with a yawn, indicating that he is just as tired as everyone is.
Renjun still remembers the worrisome glance Jisung throws at him in the car, to which he fakes a small smile and shrugs it off.
Renjun is not at all mad.
He is furious.
Especially when it is so stupidly obvious how Jaemin is avoiding him.
“You’re not sleeping with me?” Renjun asks with his small voice, half whispering as he leans against the counter, eyes on Jaemin’s back.
The taller man pauses at the sudden question and shrugs, before continuing gulping down the cold water together with his health supplements. He puts the glass down and turns to Renjun with a sharp gaze that gives the elder goosebumps. His mouth is opened as if he wants to say something before he decides that it is not worth the effort, so he turns away and brings his glass to the sink and wash it clean.
“So you’re not talking to me now?”
Silence.
Jaemin puts the glass back to the holder and proceeds to saunter past Renjun as if the smaller man doesn’t even exist.
Renjun can feel intense pressure gripping his heart, clutching it with no mercy as to stop the blood from being pumped to every part of his body.
And it hurts.
It fucking hurts he can’t even breathe.
“Na Jaemin,” Renjun says sternly, hand reaching for Jaemin’s wrist.
The Korean stills.
“What is wrong with you?”
Renjun holds himself back, controlling his voice as much as possible, not wanting the other members to watch a free soap opera in the kitchen.
Jaemin uses his strength to break away from Renjun’s tiny grasp and mutters a breathy “I’m tired.” He then enters his room and closes the door forcefully with a loud bang that makes Renjun jump in his position.
This is bad.
And Renjun is infuriated to the max.
Renjun turns the k nob to the room beside his, entering the spacious bedroom with two beds and tons of speakers at the other side of the wall with stomped feet. He stops right beside Jaemin’s bed, where the Korean is scrolling through Twitter with his private account.
Jaemin doesn’t even bother to look up.
“Let’s talk.”
The only answer he receives is silence.
Jaemin continues to scroll his timeline, reading the tweets his other members posted earlier the day.
“Na Jaemin, I swear to God, if you keep giving me the silent treatment, I’m gonna take a long break from us.”
Jaemin tilts his head and meets his eyes at the threat. The corner of his lips curls upwards into a pathetic smirk as he finally replies, “and get back with your ex?” His thick eyebrows are raised, pasting an amused expression on his handsome face.
Renjun thinks his heart is being stabbed by the person he loves the most.
How could he?
“Let’s talk,” Renjun gathers all his courage to suggest a two-way conversation between them, with some extra privacy.
But when Jaemin just shrugs the idea off, Renjun turns to Jeno with a frown.
“Jaemin, go talk to Renjun, I need to sleep,” Jeno says in return, completely understanding the look on Renjun’s face.
Jaemin lets out a heavy sigh and props himself up, throwing his phone somewhere on the folded blanket at the end of the bed. He follows Renjun to their room before Renjun turns around and stands in front of the door, locking the knob so that he can’t escape the inevitable.
Renjun taps his foot impatiently, arms crossing in front of his chest with a frown.
“What?” Jaemin asks nonchalantly, clearly not interested in explaining the whole situation they are both in.
Uncomfortable silence falls onto them and chokes Renjun, forcing him to speak up his mind.
“Aren’t you gonna tell me what’s wrong with you?”
Jaemin raises his eyebrows.
“What’s up with the silent treatment?”
Jaemin shrugs.
Renjun sighs. He runs his fingers along his hair in annoyance, rolling his eyes at the childish man before him.
“I’m sorry,” he mutters, “I don’t know what I could possibly do to make you treat me like a piece of trash, but I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it.”
Renjun pauses. “Excuse you, sir, how can I apologize if you don’t tell me anything?”
Jaemin chuckles darkly, eyes glued to the shorter man before him.
“I saw your text messages with Jaehyun,” he replies, taking a pause to see Renjun’s expression at the statement. But the Chinese doesn’t react, much to his surprise, as the smaller asks, “And?”
Jaemin fakes a cough.
“He sent you a few shirtless pictures, and you never stop him.”
Renjun wants to laugh. So bad.
Is it okay to laugh in the middle of an argument?
He doesn’t even see how that can lead to this situation.
“I didn’t even download them, Jaem,” he holds back his chuckle, mentally reasoning with himself to validate Jaemin’s feelings. They are real. Jaemin’s jealousy is valid, even though he is a little too blind sometimes. But it is still valid.
“I know, but you never stop him. And even worse, you didn’t even bother to mention them to me.”
From Jaemin’s expression, Renjun knows the man has been overthinking about the situation.
“My love,” Renjun says under his breath, taking baby steps forward, “I didn’t mention them to you because I didn’t want you to overthink about any senseless possibilities. There’s nothing to worry about. Jaehyun is just another NCT member I’m awkward with now, nothing more.”
Jaemin stills.
“I understand that you’re mad and jealous and- I don’t know- probably feel betrayed at how I never said anything to you about it. Really. I get it. But darling,” Renjun reaches out and holds Jaemin’s hand gently, “I love you.”
He keeps eye contact with Jaemin and curls his lips upwards.
“I love you so much I’m willing to prepare for your surprise birthday party a week prior.”
He caresses Jaemin’s rough hand with his soft one, hoping that will melt Jaemin’s jealousy away.
“I never did that to anyone, I swear. I didn’t even celebrate Jaehyun’s birthday when I was with him years ago because I remember you called me and told me to help you choose your first ever camera. It was then Jaehyun realized that I was probably into you, not him, so he let me go.”
Renjun smiles in pain at how selfish he thinks he is, but as Jaehyun said the other day, their relationship was just out of teen curiosity.
“You never told me that also,” Jaemin points out with a pout.
“Yes, because I never thought I should. I didn’t want you to think that I’m only with you because Jaehyun told me to.”
Jaemin blinks. “Then what about the shirtless pictures?”
“We go to the same gym and have the same trainer. The trainer tells him to send me pictures of his abs to keep me motivated to workout. Nothing else. I didn’t download them because I don’t feel the need to have chiseled abs like him, or you,” Renjun says seductively, fingers tracing the hard abs of the man before him over the cotton shirt.
“So?” Renjun looks up with puppy eyes. “Am I forgiven?”
Jaemin finally pastes a sincere smile that reaches his shining eyes and nods. “Definitely.”
“Aren’t you supposed to kiss me now?”
“Talking about kissing— isn’t Jaehyun your first kiss?”
Renjun stares at Jaemin in disbelief.
Seriously…
“And you took my virginity, so what? Kiss me now and apologize before I smack you in the head.”
“Oh, I’d love to see you smack me in the head, cutie!” Jaemin taps the top of Renjun’s head playfully before the shorter man moves his head away and pinches his thigh.
Jaemin yelps in pain.
“Okay, I’m sorry. Come here, let me give you lots of kisses,” Jaemin stoops a little, hands on Renjun’s chin, tilting it upwards.
“But wait,” Renjun says, breaking away from Jaemin’s hold, “you really shouldn’t do this whole silent treatment thingy in the future. While you might think that it’s good that you keep painful things to yourself, it is not good for us. I don’t understand what’s happening and it’s killing me inside. So please, next time, if you’re mad at me about anything, anything at all, no matter how small or big it is, please just talk it out with me.”
Jaemin takes a deep breath and nods.
“That was so wrong of me today, I’m sorry,” Jaemin speaks with a lower tone before his face lights up, “so are you up for your kisses now?”
“Yes, please.”
Before Jaemin can shower him with kisses, Renjun stops him once again and says, “happy birthday, my love.”