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Jiwan closed the door behind her, the events of the night stuck on replay in her mind. She had confessed, Sol confessed back, and she reaffirmed her confession once more while voicing her uncertainties.
And she was uncertain still, because this was unspeakably horrifying. While she wouldn't be losing Sol to any of those boys anytime soon (a small smile crept up her lips at the thought of it), if they do go further, date, and inevitably break up, what will be left of her?
Because that's all relationships are, aren't they? A temporary means of entertainment. She could never get an emotion to stick, never been able to authentically call her emotions love . And the fear of her relationship with Sol ending up like her previous ones gripped her heart. No, she was never going to lose interest in Sol or get bored of her. That was the furthest of her worries. What she truly feared– the scenario that devastated her at the thought of it was–
What if it was the other way around?
What if it was Sol who got tired of her? What if it was Sol who slowly lost interest? All the things she'd felt in her previous relationships– boredom, annoyance, a longing to hang out with someone else, someone better (Sol, in Jiwan's case)– What if, by some divine retribution, Sol would feel that way towards Jiwan?
No, Sol wouldn–
Because why wouldn't she? When she was so capable and beautiful and perfect? When she has so many guys lining up to be her boyfriend? The memory of it made her feel uneasy. Who was Sol meeting tonight anyway? Was it that guy, Ju Hyeok? He did look thoroughly smitten with Sol that night at the flea market. And while she understood the sentiment all too well, she really , really, really hated it when he looked at her Sol like that.
Her Sol. Her Sol .
She wanted to do it. She wanted to go on dates and hold Sol's hand and hug and kiss and all that. Even just imagining it got her heart racing. She wanted Sol to be exclusively hers, so the ugly feeling of jealousy that seemed ever-present since she realized Sol could slip out of her grasp would finally disappear.
I like you, not just as a friend.
She squealed into her pillow, her feet uncontrollably bouncing up and down her mattress. Sol liked her! Sol liked her!!! Even if Sol was meeting Ju Hyeok or Sehun or whoever tonight, Sol's choice had been Jiwan. She giggled at the thought, her emotions switching between lows and highs in the span of mere minutes.
They'll talk about it tomorrow. Whatever happens, they'll talk about it tomorrow.
"I better ask Nabi for advice tomorrow, too," she whispered, gripping her pillow tightly and trying to sleep.