Chapter Text
Once upon a dream, time was a spring, born shaking in the snowy peaks, skipping and rushing heedless down the mountainside into loud waterfalls, running impatiently through earth and stone to join wider beds where ruby fish hunt and sleep in the liquid sunshine – the sea into which all rivers are fated to throw themselves only a distant horizon, a faint shadow.
Now time is one drop after the other dripping on the ground of a dark cavern, leaving behind a few grains of salt which, little by little, will grow into columns of shimmering crystal.
How many more eons will pass before I can feel the wind on my face again, the burn of my muscles as I bound through the woods, the weight of a sleeping child in my arms?
Although everything about me is soft now, the callused skin of my hands rendered as pliable and spongy as the coral of my lungs, muscles melted into foam, bones as fragile as twigs, everything porous and light and held together by the spider-web of spirit silk that keeps me alive – although I am now more water than flesh, I have become stone.
Do stones dream?
I dream, and remember.
***
Running is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. But the woods are not part of the Cloud Recesses, do not answer to the thousands of rules that men have carved into the stone in the hopes of sculpting their children into the proper shapes. The rules which govern life in the woods are much older, passed down from ear to ear or learned through trial and error: do not sing under the willow, do not hunt for sport, do not step into a fairy ring before dawn.
Small children might be excused for running once in a while: they are still immature, being bent into the proper shape. Yet few of them dare.
I am fifteen, and I still only slow my feet to a quick walk once I have passed the white stone markers that trace the official boundary of the Cloud Recesses. Most people would not even dare show haste where they could be spotted by one of the Elders, but I’m not afraid of their disapproval or their punishments.
Yifei shakes her head at me as I reach her side, flushed and wind-blown, and reaches out to finger-comb my hair into a more sedate braid. Her own hair is a smooth river of ink down her back, and like her temper, it is almost impossible to ruffle.
Trust me, I’ve tried.
“Aren’t you a little old to play in the woods like that?”
“I was training, Yifei! Have to build up my stamina if I’m to make the preliminaries.”
“Your stamina is the best of anyone in our generation, Ziyi. If you don’t make the cut, there will be no initiate maidens at all next year. You just run for fun.”
“So what? I do it out of sight of the respectable sect members, so it’s none of their concerns. Ow! Just leave it, it’s a rat’s nest anyway, can’t wait to chop all of it off and give it to the goddess.”
“Your admirer was staring again.”
I whip around in the direction that Yifei was nodding towards, and just catch a flash of white cloth as Lan Honghu retreats behind a wall. After a few seconds, his head peeks out, and I blow him a kiss, which promptly makes him disappear again. I snicker, barely bothering to smother the sound in my sleeve.
“Don’t be cruel, Ziyi. You know the young master is in love with you.”
“It’s just a crush. He’ll grow out of it.”
“Still, you shouldn’t tease him. Sect Leader Lan thinks you’re a bad influence.”
“I’ve literally never spoken to the boy! How is it my fault if he stares all the time?”
“I know, I know. But let him down gently when he makes his declaration, okay? It might only be a crush, but at his age, he doesn’t know the difference, and he’ll take it hard.”
“I promise to be nice, if only to ease your mind, Yifei,” I say, throwing my arm around her shoulders, and she makes a small sound of protest but doesn’t shake me off.
“My little conscience,” I say, planting a kiss on her cheek as we walk in the direction of the women’s dinner room. “Whatever would I do without you? Who would keep me on the right path?”
“You’re perfectly capable of doing that yourself. You break the rules on purpose.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I- Yifei, why is there a small child glaring at me?”
Yifei immediately goes into a bow, and elbows me in the side. It takes me a few more seconds to notice the blue cloud patterns of the main line on the boy’s Lan ribbon – his frown was just that impressive. I bow.
“Second Young Master Lan, is there anything we can do for you?” Yifei asks.
“Talking loudly is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses,” the boy informs us sternly, and it takes all of my willpower not to burst out laughing.
“So is being in the women’s section, and being late for dinner, and you’re currently doing the former and likely to commit the latter,” I shoot back, crossing my arms. “So what do you want?”
“Leave my brother alone.”
“Eurydice have patience, I’m not doing anything to your brother… Young Master. If anything, I should be complaining about him, just lusting after me in the open! I thought the Sect Leader’s sons were being raised better than that.”
“He’s not lusting,” the boy claims, outraged, “he’s just… he’s just…”
“…in love with me?” I add. “But that’s his problem, not mine. I don’t actually mind that he’s looking respectfully, but I won’t be held accountable for his actions, grasshopper.”
The boy looks so incensed that he can’t quite find the words. Yifei kicks me in the ankle, but I ignore her.
“Look. Just convince him to talk to me, and I guarantee that whatever romantic nonsense he has made up in his head will vanish in a matter of hours. I belong in the woods with the maidens, not in a pretty parlor, discussing politics.”
The boy looks at me with overt suspicion.
“You want to join the shieldmaidens of Athena? You won’t stay in the Cloud Recesses?”
“Not of my own volition, pipsqueak.”
He doesn’t seem to like this nickname better than the previous one, which is a pity, because I’m beginning to like him. He’s as prickly as a hawthorn bush, but he’s honest, and he has more guts than his older brother for sure.
Second Young Master Lan sniffs with all the hauteur he can muster from his four feet something, says “I will consider it”, and then turns around and marches off.
“Hey, what’s your name, though? So I don’t have to call you grasshopper again? Mine is Meng Ziyi!” I call after him, which earns me a number of death glares from other women who are going in to dinner.
“He’s Lan Xianhe,” Yifei whispers as she tugs me in their direction. “How do you not know the name of the second heir to our sect?”
“I knew that, I just wanted him to introduce himself!”
“Shh!”
I twist in the doorway, but there are no further Lan boys staring at me, be it in adoration or censure, so I go sit down to eat.
***
“Lady Meng.”
I startle out of my doze, hands automatically going for the dagger in my belt and the spear at my side. The second comes up empty: I had to leave it behind in our quarters with the antler bow and the shield, since shieldmaidens are only allowed to carry visible weapons within the Cloud Recesses in times of war.
If it weren’t for the eyes, I wouldn’t have recognized him: he has shot up like a beanstalk in the last two years, his Lan training struggling to keep up with the length of his limbs, but the eyes are the same, deep wells with a shimmer of gold, like the promise of a submerged treasure.
“Young Master Lan. To what do I owe the honor?”
“I hope I am not disturbing you,” he says, adorably awkward.
“I’m just waiting for my friend to finish her private lesson with Grandmaster Lan.”
“Your friend is…Wang Yifei.”
“Yes, do you know her?”
“Only by reputation. She is a very talented weaver; the priesthoods of Clotho and Arachne are both keen to have her join their ranks.”
“She’s the best,” I say proudly, because even though Yifei herself has to be humble, I have no such obligation on her behalf.
Instead of telling me that superlatives are forbidden in the Cloud Recesses, he smiles. I smile back, which makes him blush a little, but he doesn’t run away to hide behind a wall, so I suppose he’s grown in more than just height.
“When is the lesson set to end?”
“Half an hour, but they always run long these days.”
“Grand-uncle is a very exacting teacher, but Lady Wang seems up to the challenge.”
“Yeah, she doesn’t mind. It’s me who complains that we might miss dinner,” I say, and as if on cue, my stomach rumbles.
It’s my turn to blush, but he is now looking down at his hands.
“Do you… would you join me for a moment? I have some cakes that were gifted to me for my birthday, if you’re hungry.”
“I’m always hungry,” I admit, running my hand through my hair in an attempt to make it a little more presentable. “I might eat the whole box if you let me.”
“I will let you. That is… I would welcome a chance to share them with someone before they go bad. Food shouldn’t be wasted.”
“Now that is a rule I can get behind,” I say, getting to my feet and dusting off my chiton. “Lead to me to the cakes!”
We settle in one of the stone gardens. There’s something very Lan about plants that will never need to be cut back into the proper shape, but I can never stop thinking about Medusa when I’m here. The cakes are delicious with their rich almond-and-honey filling, and still very fresh. When I remark upon it, my admirer admits that his birthday was only two weeks ago, and I congratulate him.
“So you’re… fourteen now, Young Master Lan?”
“Fifteen.”
“Ah, right. Sorry, we’re quite divorced from sect news in the woods, I don’t think I even heard what your courtesy name was.”
“Dianshui.”
What an odd name for a young man who seems to think and feel so deeply – but maybe that’s precisely why Sect Leader Lan chose it for him. I mumble something about how it’s very elegant. He squirms, embarrassed, and offers me the box again.
“I’m afraid I’m spoiling your appetite,” he says, watching me eat my eighth cake with a sort of morbid fascination, and I have to concentrate not to laugh, for fear of choking.
“Nothing spoils my appetite, Young Master Lan. Besides, increased hunger is normal for initiate maidens during their Cloud Recesses visits – meat is just inherently more satisfying for the body, so we have to eat in greater quantities to make up for it when we’re on a vegetarian diet. Have you ever wanted to taste it?”
“Meat? No.”
“But you’ll do the ritual hunt when you come of age.”
“None of the white stag is eaten, it is all burned for the Goddess.”
“Now that is a waste. The gods only claim the fat and the thigh bones for their sacrifice, you know, everything else is for the mortals.”
“It is the custom.”
“Just because it’s the custom doesn’t mean it’s not stu- erh. I mean. It just seems strange to me, but then most things become strange once you start living outside of this place.”
“Are you eager to go back?”
“Yes. But it’s nice to see my father and my friends, and to be able to visit Caiyi Town. I can see the wisdom of making us return every year while we’re still young initiates. You have to be sure before taking your vows.”
“Are you?”
I look right at him, and although he blushes again, he holds my gaze, defiance in the set of his shoulders.
“That’s a very personal question to ask, Young Master Lan. I don’t think you know me well enough to expect an answer.”
“My apologies. I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“Give me another cake and I’ll forgive you.”
He does, and as our fingers brush, he whispers:
“I wish you would call me by my name.”
“Dianshui?”
“No. Honghu.”
He’s more awkward cygnet than noble swan, but he manages to look both proud and vulnerable, as if he is daring me to break his heart. I have no wish to break any hearts, but I’m curious as to what lies at the bottom of his eyes.
“I’m positive that there is some kind of rule against that,” I whisper back, but I don’t withdraw my hand after taking the cake, my fingertips touching his palm.
“Disturbing female cultivators is forbidden,” he says, unmoving. “Am I disturbing you?”
I shake my head and then, curious how far I can push this, I lean forward and say, looking at him from under my lashes:
“Is that what you want for your belated birthday gift? For me to call you by your birth name?”
“What else would you have to offer me? This last cake?” he asks, his voice a little raspy, his pupils dilating as I move closer.
“You can’t have the cake, Young Master Lan. But I have something else to give, if you’re interested.”
He is interested, and the kiss tastes of almonds and honey, of warm stone and soft hands.
***
“You shouldn’t do that, you know.”
“Mmm?”
I could watch Yifei work at her loom for hours, her clever hands flitting back and forth like a pair of birds constructing the strangest, most beautiful of nests. But her hands have stilled, and when I look up, she is frowning at me with unwonted seriousness – Yifei is a serious person, but she doesn’t generally dignify the world, and me in particular, with true disapproval, leaning more towards fond annoyance. I sit up straight, alarmed.
“Do what?”
“Give him false hopes.”
“Who?”
“You know exactly who I’m talking about, Ziyi. And you know what you’re doing is wrong.”
“I know nothing of the sort,” I say, leaning back in a show of nonchalance.
“So you changed your mind? You’re not joining the maidens after all?”
“Don’t be silly. Of course I haven’t changed my mind.”
“And yet you keep encouraging him.”
“I don’t see how-”
“I saw you two kissing behind the maple.”
“A kiss is not a promise, Yifei. It doesn’t inherently mean something. It’s just a moment of shared pleasure, or at any rate saliva.”
“Don’t play dumb. He’s in love with you – of course it means something. How long has this been going on?”
“There is no ‘this’.”
“Fine then, when did you first kiss him?”
“I don’t know, two years ago?”
Yifei looks at me with all the weight of her disapproval, and I groan and bury my face in my hands.
“Twenty months and twenty-three days. I kissed him thirteen days after his fifteenth birthday. I said it was a belated present. There, happy?”
“Oh, Ziyi. You’re in love with him too.”
“No! Well…maybe a little,” I admit, winding some silk thread around my finger. “It’s hard to resist, you know? When someone looks at you like you hung the moon and all the stars in the sky? It’s like liquor, you only mean to take a sip and soon enough you find yourself throwing up in the bushes.”
Yifei, who shared that particular first experience with me, sighs.
“I know it’s hard. But you have to be reasonable. And if you find yourself unable to stop, you shouldn’t drink at all.”
“It’s not like this happens all the time! I’m not even here for most of the year!”
“So you exchange some kisses and sweet moments, and for three seasons out of four, he sits here pining, waiting for you to return from the forbidden woods? Ziyi, it’s one thing to let him get the crush out of his system, but you’re actively making it worse. You know what they say about Lans and love.”
“Surely it’s not as bad as that yet. Right?” I plead, already knowing the answer.
“Do you think every man looks at the people he fancies like they hung the moon? Do you truly think his heart is not engaged?”
“…shit. I’ll break it off before he comes of age, I swear.”
“Be careful.”
“I already promised I’d let him down gently, Yifei. Do you have no faith in me?”
“That’s not what I meant. Be gentle with his heart, of course, but… this isn’t just about him. You know what happens to women who are depicted as seductresses.”
“I couldn’t care less what the Cloud Recesses gossip says about me,” I say angrily, throwing my little silk ball into a corner.
“It can get so much worse than gossip. I know the woods are a different world, but here in the world of men, women can be held accountable for the desires they inspire in others. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“It won’t come to that. Soon enough I’ll have taken my vows, and I’ll just be a memory of his wild youth to him.”
She nods, but still looks worried. I’ve found many battle sisters and friends among my fellow initiates, but none who are dearer to me than Yifei, none who know me as well as she does, and will call me on my bullshit because they truly care. My heart swells in my chest.
“Anyway, enough about my irresponsibility. What about you? I heard the temple of Arachne made you an official offer?”
“They did,” Yifei says, picking the threads back up to continue her tapestry.
“You don’t sound very happy about it.”
“No, I am, I… I don’t know. Grandmaster Lan says I could learn more advanced spiritual weaving techniques if I don’t commit to a temple yet. And I’ve realized… I would rather raise a family somewhere that is not the Cloud Recesses. Teach my children a gentler set of rules.”
“Would that family be made with anyone in particular…?”
“There will be more than enough time for the business of the heart later. With a masterpiece of spirit, I could have my pick of workshop offers, or easily secure funds to start my own. I don’t want to tie myself down before I decide where I want to lay my roots.”
“See, we’re not that different, you and I. I’m just less polite about it.”
“Ziyi, you are positively sprawling. Sitting improperly…”
“…is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. So is everything else,” we say in unison, and all is right with the world again.
As I try to puzzle out what in damnation I will say to Lan Dianshui, the loom clicks and swishes to Yifei’s will, shaping familiar peaks and white clouds under a blue, blue sky.
***
“What did I do? Why don’t you want to see me anymore?”
I reach for him, but he withdraws his hands, hurt and confusion mingling in his eyes.
I should have done this last year. Waiting hasn’t made it any easier – rather the reverse. I’m such a selfish coward.
“You didn’t do anything,” I say. “And it’s not that I don’t want to see you, it’s just… it’s for the best. This was always meant to end.”
“But why?”
“Dianshui, come on. Do you actually think I could be Madam Lan? Your father would never give his blessing, he always saw me as a bad influence, and as much as it irks me to admit it, he was right.”
“I don’t care what he thinks. In less than two years, I’ll be of age, and I can do what I want. Can’t you wait for me? Is that truly too much to ask?”
“Forget about your father for a minute. Do you care what I think? What I want?”
“Of course I do!”
“Then listen to me: I wasn’t made to be a sect leader’s wife, to bow and sit quietly. I belong in the woods with the other shieldmaidens. I thought you knew this; I never made a secret of it.”
“Is there someone else?”
For a moment I consider lying, but although it might make the break easier for him to accept, I can’t quite bring myself to do it.
“No. This isn’t about love – or well, I guess it is, just not that kind of love. It’s my calling, Dianshui. I’ve always known this, since I was-”
“I hear you and Zhao Zhenjin are pretty close,” he says bitterly, stopping me in my tracks.
“Where did you hear that?”
“We used to play together when we were kids, before…”
“Before what?” I prompt, bristling.
It’s not the first time I’ve heard such bigoted insinuations. Some shieldmaidens who are very big on “female essence” and paint “blood moons” on their chests seem to take the fact that Zhao Zhenjin didn’t start drinking the water of Tiresias until she was seventeen as some kind of sign that she is not truly a girl. She always shrugs it off, says they’re just jealous because she’s taller than them – then again, when you have that kind of hatred directed at you regularly, you can’t rise to the bait all the time or you would exhaust yourself.
But there’s nothing stopping me from getting angry on her behalf, and Lan Dianshui doesn’t meet my eyes for long.
“Before my duties as sect heir took up too much of my free time,” he mumbles, looking a little ashamed of himself. “So, do you like… her?”
“What are we, five?”
“Answer the question, Ziyi.”
“Of course I like her. She’s funny, she excels at javelin-throwing, and she always has our backs. She’s a great battle sister and a good friend, and she has nothing to do with my decision. Give me some goddess-damned credit, will you? I wouldn’t make that kind of life decision over a crush.”
“Obviously. How foolish of me to think that I was ever more than a way for you to pass the time.”
“Dianshui. Lan Dianshui, look at me, don’t be childish.”
He complies reluctantly, and I take his face in my hands. He’s grown so much, I have to reach up now, and his shoulders are wider than mine. He has almost the body of a man, but he looks at me with the eyes of a boy, silently pleading not to be left behind. I kiss his cheek, and sigh.
“I like you, okay? Right now you’re making me wonder why, but I do. I may even love you – I certainly don’t go around kissing other people, for what it’s worth. But this was never going to work. I will become one of the shieldmaidens, and you will marry a nice girl or boy and become sect leader and have adorable children and I can bring them weird gifts when I visit.”
“No.”
“Yes. Wouldn’t you rather turn our time together into a good memory, rather than a bitter one?”
He shakes his head, and as I cast about desperately for some inspiration, a black butterfly with white spots alights on a blade of grass near to where we are standing. I turn his face in that direction.
“Look at it, look how pretty it is, flying around freely. But if you try to touch the wings, the color comes off on your fingers, and you are condemning it to a slow, flightless death. The only way to preserve its beauty is to kill it and pin it inside a case of glass like a trophy – or to keep the memory in your heart, and let it go. Which path will you choose?”
He sighs, and closes his eyes, his shoulders slumping. He may not like this, but he has begun to accept the inevitable, and I feel at once relieved and sad.
“I don’t get a say,” he says, his voice carefully neutral.
“No. I’m truly sorry if I hurt you, or led you to believe that my plans had changed. I never intended to lie to you. But this is my life, my decision, and it still stands.”
He pushes me away, hard, and his eyes are cold as flint when he opens them, not a flicker of gold to be seen anywhere.
“Then go, Meng Ziyi. Go be with your goddess, with your sisters, so you can all laugh about how you broke the poor little Lan heir’s heart. I wish you had never kissed me. I wish I’d never met you!”
“Dian-”
“GO!”
I go. This isn’t the ending I would have wanted, but he has a right to hate me, and I have no rights on his time anymore. I am not required to go back to the Cloud Recesses for the next two years, and I don’t think I will. I will give him time to heal, and hopefully when I see him again, he will have grown enough to speak to me without fury, if not without pain.
I go, and yet the memory of Yifei’s words, “You know what they say about Lans and love”, sits uneasily in my memory.