Chapter Text
You love him.
It's too easy to hear.
But we all know he's holding back, you can't figure out what... or why... but I can see it. I see it in your tight smiles and frantic breathing. The dark in your mind when he pushes away from you. It hurts but you distract yourself. So many people, hurting, needing you, and you help them. All of them. I try to help you, but you always remember and that makes it harder.
You devour his praise, his approving smiles. It's too much. It hurts.
How can I help? Do I tell you? No, because he is hurting too and he is my friend. He is my friend and that hurts me, sends pins to my chest when I watch you.
The sun catches your hair, you're bathed in light, you smile, he shakes his head and laughs. He pulls you close, whispers a language I don't understand. You blush.
It hurts.
He wants to be alone with you, I follow, unseen. A small grove, dappled moonlight. Your breath pulls out of you. Beautiful. I feel it, your love, and it scares me. Because it's as strong as mine, but not for me.
You talk, I watch, can't hear... just see.
Your eyes close as he casts a spell, the ink that once curled around your face, it fades. You're scared, I'm scared too. You trust him.
But then, it changes. His face tenses, yours crumples.
No, no... no no no...
He can't do this.
I love you... your words, crash in to me, but not for me. For him. He listens, it hurts him too, but he still leaves.
He walks away. You kneel, grasping at dirt. Humiliated, heartbroken, face bare and no home to return to. You cry. I cry too. You don't see me, I kneel beside you. I hate him too, take it all from you. He was supposed to change his mind. To stay with you. To love you.
Your eyes, no longer bright, cast down. Hurting, twisting, biting, clawing. Can't sleep, so I stay, you need me, but you don't see.
I stroke your hair, it calms you, do you see me? Feel me? I'm here, he's not. He owns your heart, but I would care for it, hold it gently, nuture it until it's healed. You want him... but you need me.
He says you'd talk about it after, now is not the time.
It's cruel, he lies, I know.
You find me, whispering to spiders in a dusty cupboard.
"Cole."
My name, your voice. Too much. I reach out to you, comfort, love, feel it... feel it! You shrink in my arms. Warm, tired, sweet, lovely... his... not mine. Arms tighten, you cry, I cry too. Your hair tickles my nose, chest tight, knees weak.
Too much.
You are strong, you fight your feelings, hiding them in a box. You fight and fight, keep going, be strong. I stay close. It's easier when the suns up.
At night, the box opens, you sob... I hold you, tight so you can't fall apart. I won't say it, but I hope you know. I stay all night, whisper, stroke, calm. You fall asleep, exhausted.
The fight ends, you won, but he leaves. You don't know why, you blame yourself, afraid he tricked you. He did... but he loved you... and you love him still.
"Cole."
Solas.
"You care about her, ma vhenan. Heal her, I won't come back... I'm sorry..."
Anger, rage, hate. He knew, he saw, I would be better. But he carried on, and that hurt you.
You wait, think he'll come back. He won't. I'm here, I hold you, press my lips to your hair. You smile, it's gentle, but it's not the same. You don't feel it.
It's not enough.