Chapter Text
The sun was entering the room from the little window situated in front of her. The light was gracing the frontal part of her face, being a little bit stronger on the top of her right eye. Her hair was tied in a loose ponytail, leaving a few of the little strings in her neck to breathe. In a mere millisecond, her fingers were slightly grabbing the bridge of her nose, followed by the frown that was born with ease, looking like a decorated screen used to hide the secrets of people.
“It’s just not that” a soft huff left her now dry lips, “We…. we have already discussed this, you know how I think, I have told you a trillion times by now, how, how don’t you just get it?”
The woman sitting in front of her looked exasperated, “Jungeun you can’t just throw out your life and any potential love interest beca-” “Listen, and I know you mean good with all of this, I know, that I am here searching for help, but, but my point is valid, ok, just please understand that my point is valid…… love… love is something that knocks me out of life, it brings me hatred, for myself, how it makes me feel….. just awful, I just can’t seem to accept the fact that I am lovable because that has been my whole life, everyone has made me feel like I am not enough, that I am just like a mannequin, being there to be used and that’s it, so that has become my norm, that is now my comfort zone,and being out of your comfort zone? that thing is scary, the most scary thing a human being can do, so I think my feelings are valid, my thoughts are valid, and telling me to just throw that under the bus like is nothing won’t work, because thinking of being loved makes me want to drop life”.
The other girl looked at her with eyes indecipherable. “.... I think it’s better we say goodbye now…. it’s better to stop Jungeun”
Suddenly her eyes opened in a sort of disbelief, making her stand up and try to grasp the situation. In a swift move she went to the door and grabbed the doorknob. “Thanks… thanks for everything Ms. Jinsoul… See you around” And with that she opened the four walls that were distancing herself from her reality. Running to the exit of the building, not wanting to register anything or even accept what has just happened, she went straight to the light coming from outside, when in mere of seconds two pair of arms were catching her from behind while engulfing her in the warmness that the same sun she was trying to reach didn’t provide. In that moment, Jinsoul gracefully laid her head in her back and almost in a whisper she said “I...I can't seem to be able to help you as your therapist, even this isn’t allowed for me to do with you…. but…. but i want to help you as a friend so please, please let me be in your life”
The begging in her voice sent shivers down the arms of the shorter girl. “Okay, okay”. And like that she detached herself from her therapist and went out without looking back.
It’s been days since that moment, and apart from a short and shy call from the now ex caretaker of the mental health of Jungeun, the contact between them has been reduced to almost zero, until now. Both of them across from the other, looking into each other's eyes while being seated in an old burgundy seat, each of them in this old and greasy breakfast restaurant that by far has seen better days, just like them.
The black and undrinkable coffee filled all of Jungeun’s mind. Thinking about how to change the already established relationship between the two individuals made the blond want to throw up. The uncertainty of how this will develop and turn out made her nuts. She had been thinking for months that the bond they shared and how it worked was alright, it wasn’t perfect but it kinda worked in a strange way. She went to those four light blue walls and discussed with the black hair woman about the outside world. The things she hated, how she moved, how she felt, how to think, life, progress, and death. That was their dynamic, she said things and the other listened and said the contrary. It made her kind of excited, how immersed the other girl was in refuting everything she thought, how she looked like she cared. But at that moment, Jungeun just made a pact with herself to think that the actual worry her therapist was showing was because her job required her to do it, not because she wanted to. Now, here, seated with her, trying to be friends and knowing that the other girl actually cared was the little seed of her upcoming catharsis.
The other woman suddenly looked at her, forgetting her now cold eggs. Her look is piercing and serious. “ I know this is complicated to you and that maybe I have crossed an invisible line between us that you wished I never did, but I do really care about you…. You are special, you know?”. Jinsoul was giving her a courtesy silence but ready to continue speaking, because deep down she knew the other girl wouldn't say anything to avoid hurting her feelings. It turns out that all those months of therapy have made them more knowledgeable of the other without even noticing. “I am sorry to throw this just like that but running away from something I care about and see potential in has never been my style, and you, Kim Jungeun are all those. So you are gonna be my friend and maybe, just maybe, start believing what everyone in their right minds knows, that you are a star in this world”. The frown on the blonde face returned once again; she was not happy, her body just didn't let her. “Look, I appreciate all of this, I really do Jinsoul, but don’t get me wrong, us, being a constant in each other's lives is something that shouldn't happen and you know it, deep down you know it, that I don’t wanna change, and that you don’t want to see me like this, so spare yourself an unpleasant time and leave please”. Jinsoul put her hand on the table, maybe imagining in her head how this whole conversation would be if her hands were holding the ones from the other girl. “Don’t say that, do not say that. If you have the capacity of choosing how to hurt I have to, and helping you is the best way I could choose, so do not treat me as a kid who can't handle a little bit of pain, cause I can, remember, after all I AM a psychologist, and whether you like it or not, I know YOU”. “Well that's the whole problem here, my little new “friend”, you know ME, but at the same time you are asking from me to drop everything that makes me who I am, so how’s that? Do I press you to stop your idealistic view of life and how you think that there is beauty in everything ? Because that would be very rude of me may I say”.
At this point Jinsoul looked exasperated, her head dropping to the floor every second Jungeun spoke. “I just wanted to take some walks with you, eat cake, go to the cinema and get drunk for god’s sake…. not everything is that complicated…” “Oh, but it is Jinsoul, it is”.
And with that, all that was left in that tortuous restaurant was a black coffee and a sad girl.
After that day Jungeun thought she would never see the other girl again. The needed act of malice she put on that day was for her a more than valid reason to cut ties with one another, and in fact, in her mind, after the whole conversation where she tried to break every hope that the other could host in her, came the implication of broken relationships. But once again she was wrong. Just twenty-four hours after everything, the dark haired girl showed up at her doorstep. There, smiling like the person she was waiting for hadn’t tried to rip her apart just a day before. The said individual was confused, don’t get her wrong, if the person showing up unannounced in her house was another human being, she would have called the cops at the speed of light, but deep down she knew she owned the other girl at least a sorry, and the chance of doing it was showing herself just in front of her face, wearing an oversized sweater in a pastel blue with a cute little beanie, a trench coat and a bag with a little plushie attached to it. She was definitely not a physical threat, which meant that it was in fact a very dangerous threat to Jungeun. So with that cold realization she opened the door wanting to end this the most politely and fast way possible in their situation.
-”...What are you doing here Jinsoul?
-”Umm… I kinda just wanted to invite you to the movies?” Said the girl with a little smile.
The confused look on the blonde’s face must have been a little too noticeable because the little confidence Jinsoul mustered up before coming to find the other woman was decreasing faster than she would have liked.
-” I know that I showed up without saying a word and...and that you may be busy but….. I thought that if I told you in advance you would have purposely ignored me and I couldn't take the chance of that happening. So here I am, me, Jeong Jinsoul, inviting you, Kim Jungeun to the movies. Could you do me the big big favour of coming? We’re watching Mamma Mia!” And the huge grin that was shown in her face was the first time in a long long time that Jungeun saw real excitement.
-” You like Mamma Mia? I had the hunch that you were kind of a nerd but you just admitted it with your whole chest”
-”It’s that the first thing you are going to say to me? Seriously? And besides, it’s a great movie with great songs and Meryl Streep, and everyone loves Meryl Streep……… Please don’t tell me you hate her because that would break my heart and every hope of a blossoming friendship between us. I can’t be friends with a sinner you know, and she is God”
The blonde let out a short laugh at the rumbling shown to her and decided that maybe the sorry and final goodbye could wait a little bit.
-”Okay, I would go, but just because it’s the first one. Don't get me wrong I love Cher and her rendition of the classic hits of ABBA but the scene of Meryl singing “The winner takes it all” it’s just too good”
The open eyes that flashed with happiness in front of her were the last thing to dissipate anything that may have come up in her mind to turn down the outing.
-”So you like the movie? Great, I knew I could trust you.”
The walk to the “underground artistic cinema that just puts on great classics”, as Jinsoul described the shoe box of a movie theater they were going to, was surprisingly calm. It may have been of help that it was already October and the nice chill air that was accompanying them gave a feeling of coziness to Jungeun. Little pieces of yellow and brown leaves were crushing nicely under their feets, leaving a soft sound with every step that blended perfectly with the now shy voice of the older woman. “ I’m really happy that I can finally have someone with taste come and enjoy one of my favorite movies of all times…. you know.. it’s actually the first time someone has actually wanted to come see the movie with me” And the little sadness colouring these words made Jungeun look at her in a little disbelief. It was impossible in her mind that someone as nice and caring as Jinsoul would not have anyone to enjoy her likings with, not even friends, because in her mind, they were nothing alike, she was sadness, the other was happiness, she was loneliness, the other cheerfulness, the two faces of a coin, nothing alike but sharing the same world. “My few friends are always really busy and are actually really loud so the movies were never a place to hang out, bars are our place to go….. and…. my ex thought that it was childish the first time I even tried to bring up the idea so… I have never seen my favorite movie with anyone before…. and I am kinda glad that you are my first” Said Jinsoul with a little soft laugh to finish her sentence. She was shy. Revealing all of that in one go was nerve wracking. Jungeun just looked at her trying to decide if she should press on the matter or just make a little joke so they could go on with the outing like nothing. She chose the latter and with another soft laugh she spoke “Don’t worry, I know a few things about shitty exes, and even though you’re not the first person I’ve gone to the movies with, you’re one of the few I went to see something I’m actually interested in and not just to make out in the darkness of war movies, I would not recommend it, it’s actually not sexy at all kissing with gunshots as your background music”.
After the movie came dinner and with it a nice and warm course meal with conversation. The excited convo about songs, scenery and Jinsoul’s proclaimed best actress of the world was followed by a little silence shared with bites of food and looks of complicity. And for a moment Jungeun forgot about the fugacity of their relationship and how far it will not go. But just after ordering a really sweet sounding dessert for her and a little cup of coffee for Jinsoul, the universe, life or a hypothetical God chose to remind the younger girl of her own reality in the form of passing laughter. Her ex girlfriend, hand in hand with a tall, beautiful woman who also happened to have a wonderful voice, and by the sound coming out of the little body of her now ex lover, a really nice personality that made her laugh almost hysterically. She never laughed with her like that. Now it almost feels like she actually never laughed with her. Their relationship was, to put it simply, complicated. She loved her, or at least that is what she thinks. Until now Jungeun isn’t really sure how love is supposed to feel like or to look like, so she just hopes that what she has felt while being with the girl passing in front of her was what people talked about when they talked about being in love. But in the middle of fluttering feelings and hands being held, the discovery of an everlasting desire overtook the wholesome of their relationship, at least for one part of the couple, and that part wasn’t Jungeun. So when the time came to start and turn things a little more serious, everything came undone and what she thought she had, turned out to never have been hers. She, once again, wasn’t loved. But eventually, and with the incentive of passion, the strings of their lives kept being tied together and not in a nice way. She tried to be there in a way that nothing bothered the newfound false stability in her life, but you can’t try and live in a lie, and the fights kept going on, every new one being bigger than the last. But again, a few kisses and pressed bodies together made up the loneliness of the situation and the hurt coming from it. She pretended in her mind that every time she felt those lips in hers, what was flowing from them was love. The fear of not being lovable, of being destined to be alone controlling every inch of her mind. Until one day, she found out that the only strand they shared wasn’t only of their own. There were more passion that didn’t come from her bed, but from the apartment of someone else, who hugged the girl she loved, who kissed the girl she loved, who held the girl she loved, who made happy and in love the girl she loved. And everything snapped.
After that it’s when she and Jinsoul met, she had her life in shambles, and the black haired girl was a hope to stop what was left to shatter.
But here, now, in the restaurant, listening to that once familiar voice for not more than a second, the little things still standing within her were destroyed and emptiness filled the entirety of her body, mind and heart.
Jinsoul looked at her with a confused look. The blonde stood there with a suspending spoon in her hand and lost eyes that were almost filled with tears. And just like this silence came, unannounced, the exit of Jungeun happened, leaving again, a sad girl alone in a restaurant.