Chapter Text
Silence.
The room was utterly silent.
But his mind was in complete chaos.
He stared up at the ceiling having no energy to move. Why? Why bother? Everything was gone. All his work for the past decade, completely taken away. And now even those who had been associated with him even the slightest in the past had to take pains to distance themselves for fear they would be pulled under as well.
His mother has been calling him daily, asking if he wanted to come home, but he dared not in case he brought her into the storm. The last thing he wanted was to make anyone else go through this, especially those he cared most about. So instead he chose to stay at a small hotel, the reservation under a friend’s name who had been kind enough to offer help. He stayed indoors as much as he could, ordering delivery and only going out with a face mask and sunglasses to help hide his identity.
Everytime his phone rang he winced, knowing it’s never good news. At best it’s a friend or colleague, calling to offer condolences but also hinting that they will likely not be in contact for the next little while until things cooled. At worst it was companies calling to end contracts, or sometimes people whom he once thought were friends informing him that they were so disappointed by his actions they longer wished to associate with him at all. Each time it hurt, despite him offering his best understanding, but he didn’t know how many more knives to the heart he could take.
The ringing of the hotel’s phone startled him and he stared at it for a few seconds before crawling up from the bed. He hadn’t ordered anything from the front desk...and as far as he knew he wasn’t expecting anything to be delivered. His heart started to race as he carefully picked up the handset, bringing it to his ear.
“Yes…?”
“Sir? There’s someone here asking for you. He said someone told him you were staying here, but he’s not on your list of permitted visitors, so I just wanted to check if it was alright for us to let him in?”
“Asking...for me?” He asked quietly, mind panicking.
Who was it? Someone from the media? Only about three people knew he was staying here, his mother, his (ex) manager, and his closest childhood friend who helped him reserve this room. None of them would give out his location easily, they knew how precarious his situation was.
“Do you know his name?” He asked cautiously.
“Hold on, I’ll check.”
Zhang Zhehan could hear the front desk staff muffling the phone as he went to ask the visitor for their name. As much as he tried to listen, it was all too muffled.
“Hello, sir? He said to tell you he’s here to bring you some nuts? O-oh, sorry, he said they’re Wolong nuts.”
“...”
Despite his depressed state, Zhang Zhehan couldn’t help the slight eyeroll. Wolong nuts. Wonderful. Apparently that’s now their code to each other. Who the heck told that man his location?
With a soft sigh and a glance towards the heavens he gave in.
“Yes, you can let him up to my room please. Thank you.”
Gently setting the phone back down, he looked around the room. It was a mess. He hasn’t had the energy to do much except sit on the bed and bounce between numbness, shock, and frustration. There was a pile of tissues on the side table, a few articles of clothing flung around, and then delivery containers on the desk. He hasn’t even had the service staff come in to clean since he checked in.
Quickly he shoved the tissues into the garbage pail and tried grabbing as many pieces of clothing as he could, shoving them into the small wardrobe provided by the hotel. Despite everything, he didn’t want that man to see him in such a state of despair. Throughout their entire relationship, from first meeting until saying goodbye at the concert, he had always been Zhang Laoshi, Dage, Gege. He was always the one looking out for the younger man, guiding him through this treacherous industry, and even now he didn’t want the other to feel pitiful for him. He still had his pride.
Soft knocking on the door made him pause and look over.
He was here.
It felt like years since they had last seen each other and he couldn’t help the thunderous pounding of his heart in his chest. What should he say? How should he act? Would Gong Jun be angry with him? Had he come to berate him like others whom he once considered friends? Was this going to be the official ending to their friendship as well? He didn’t know if he could handle another one, so many have left him already, some truly angry at his past actions, others merely wishing to distance themselves from him for their own reputations, only a very, very small few still chose to communicate with him and most of them were not in the entertainment industry, unafraid of scrutiny or media backlash.
A part of him wished they really were Zhou Zishu and Wen Kexing. He knew without a doubt, regardless of what Zhou Zishu did, Wen Kexing would be at his side forever defending him and being a rock for him to lean upon. In the drama the two of them were willing to face against the world, together in battle, unafraid to die side by side. They brushed aside taunts and mockery from the superficial ‘heroes’ of jianghu who said pretty words yet committed atrocious acts, believing in the goodness of each other, an unbreakable bond of friendship and love.
But this wasn’t a drama, this was real life. Regardless of how cruel fate can be to characters in a drama, reality always seemed more so. Here there were no second chances, no understanding or compassion, not in this industry. People waited in the wings for him to fail, cheering for it, motivating it, using every chance to try and trip him so that he would fall, and it seems they have succeeded. He tripped and fell after one mistake from the past, and now that he was down millions have come out to attack, pouncing upon this opportunity. Cruel and morbid, he could almost smell their desire for his blood.
“...Zh-Zhang Laoshi?” A quietly whispered inquiry that barely made it past the door.
“Oh…,” he mumbled to himself, suddenly realizing he had been standing in the middle of the room, just staring at the door without moving to open it.
Tossing on a dressing robe provided by the hotel to hide the fact that he wasn’t really dressed for visitors, he hurried over and paused, hand on the door knob. Taking a deep breath, he turned the lock and lifted the chain, slowly pulling the door open to peek out.
Anxious eyes immediately locked onto his own, widening a little like he was surprised the older man would actually open the door.
“Zhang Laoshi!” Gong Jun’s voice was a hushed whisper even as a small, hesitant smile crossed his lips, “Y-you’re really here!”
Zhang Zhehan looked at the younger man, lifting one brow.
“Isn’t that why you came here?”
“Y-yes! But I thought maybe...I thought they might’ve lied to me just to get me to stop calling.”
The older man took a quick glance into the hallway to make sure no one else was around before opening the door wider to allow Gong Jun inside the room. With the door safely locked once more, the two simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief.
“What’re you doing here?” Zhang Zhehan asked, giving the younger man a ‘you should know better’ look as he set down his bag of Wolong nuts.
“I...I wanted to see you. Just...make sure you’re alright. And to talk.”
“You have my phone number.”
“That’s not the same. You can lie over the phone.”
“I can lie in person, too.”
“No you can’t, not to me.”
“I can.”
“No, you can’t.”
“I can.”
“...You promised you would be there for me, forever. Was that a lie?”
The question sparked such incredulity in Zhang Zhehan that he couldn’t help laughing, covering his eyes with his hands as he turned away from the other man.
“Gong Laoshi, what in the world are you even asking?”
“I’m asking you if the promise you made to me that day was a lie. You said if I ever needed anything, you would always be there.”
“What could you possibly need from me at this point? Actually, what you really need from me is to stay as far away from you as possible.”
“No.”
“What does that mean?”
“I said, ‘no’.”
“No, what?”
“No, I don’t need you to stay as far away from me as possible.”
Zhang Zhehan made a gesture at himself, twirling back around to face the younger man.
“Gong Jun, I know I said you were stupidly naive but don’t put on that act in front of me. You know exactly what associating with me would do to you, if anyone even saw you come here today your career and reputation would be trashed, just like mine.”
“I don’t care.”
“You should care.”
“I still came.”
“I don’t know if that’s stupidity or naivety on your part.”
“I’m not stupid nor naive, and you know it.”
Making a frustrated sound, Zhang Zhehan grabbed a newspaper that was sitting on the table, the front page blasted with his photo and a headline claiming his downfall. He threw it at Gong Jun feeling like he wanted to scream.
“Why are you here? Why do you care?? This doesn’t concern you even a little bit. I made the mistake, you should get away from me before someone pulls you down too. It’s not like they’re not trying.”
“What do you mean why do I care? How doesn’t this concern me??” Gong Jun tossed the newspaper aside, taking a few steps closer to the older man.
“Of course this doesn’t concern you! You’re you, you have your whole career ahead, a bright future. We worked together on one drama series, that’s it. Tell them you didn’t know, tell them you denounce what I did, tell them you’ve severed all ties with me, tell them what they want to hear and pull yourself clear from this mess.”
“I...I know you made a mistake, but you were the one who said a good person who makes a mistake once isn’t a bad person and shouldn’t be forever condemned.”
“I didn’t say that, Zhou Zishu said that. I’m not him.”
“But it’s still true.”
“This isn’t a drama, we’re not living in a drama.”
“But we DID meet through fate. Something brought us together, we met, we worked, and if you weren’t the Zhou Zishu to my Wen Kexing I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
Tears gathered at the corners of Zhang Zhehan’s eyes. He quickly grabbed a tissue and pretended to clear his throat. Sitting down on the side of the bed, he sighed heavily, shoulders slumped.
“Whatever else you may say, Gong Laoshi, this is the end for me. I can’t work in this industry anymore...I can’t even show my face anywhere these days without getting cursed at.”
The younger man sat down beside him, hands clasped in his lap and eyes sad.
“...It’ll pass. People will forget...or they’ll find something else to obsess over soon. M-Maybe you can find something else to be passionate about, just like how you found golf after basketball.”
Zhang Zhehan closed his eyes, feeling all the energy drain from him.
“Maybe…”
The two men sat quietly together, both feeling emotions that words simply failed to express.
Gong Jun glanced at the older man, his heart breaking at the defeated look on his face. It didn’t suit him, he wanted back the days when they laughed and bickered, teasing each other as they filmed on set. He wished to go back to May when their concert sent an entire city into honeymoon-mode, plastering their posters all over from buses to subway stations. He wanted his happy, energetic, hyper, naughty Zhang Laoshi back, the one who gazed fondly at him and who protected him every step of the way. This wasn’t a bad man, he was a good man who made a misstep but people have chosen to abandon him, trash him, treat him like he had committed a crime worthy of banishment. It wasn’t fair and Gong Jun’s heart ached for him.
“I need a promise from you…,” Zhang Zhehan’s quiet words made Gong Jun look over.
“What is it?”
“I need you to promise...from now on, you won’t ever say anything good about me ever again.”
“...What?”
“If you can not mention me then don’t mention me, but if you can’t, if someone asks you about me, I need you to promise you won’t try to blunt your words. I need you to be as harsh as you can, say that you hate me, you’re disappointed in me, you have no wish to ever associate with me in any capacity.”
“I can’t-”
“You HAVE to. Even a small slip from you will be used to drag you down, there have been people waiting to do that ever since Shan He Ling aired, you KNOW that.”
Gong Jun grimaced. He can’t even imagine saying such things about Zhang Zhehan, ever. It was hard enough to stay silent through all of this, to not defend him and speak up for him, but to think about actively denouncing him? The very idea made him feel ill.
“Promise me...you have to promise me.”
“B-But…”
“JunJun…”
The nickname shot through the younger man like lightning, making him remember the last day of the concert. The memories resurfaced like a tsunami wave, ramming into his chest until he could hardly breathe.
“Zh-Zhang Laoshi…”
“This is the last thing your gege can do for you, JunJun. You have to promise me.”
Tears that he had held back since this whole thing broke finally fell, slipping down his cheeks and dripping onto his jeans. Gong Jun didn’t want this to be the end, he wanted to walk a happy, cheerful path of success with his Zhang Laoshi. He wanted them to work together again someday, to have interviews together, to enjoy life and be well. This wasn’t the ending he wanted at all.
Sensing the younger man’s conflicting emotions, Zhang Zhehan turned to face him, reaching out a hand to grab onto Gong Jun’s. He clasped it tightly, looking at the other man with desperation in his eyes.
“JunJun, you can’t do anything stupid now. With all these eyes on you, think about your family, your friends. All the people who depend on you, your fans. If something happened to you because of my mistake I’ll never forgive myself. Do you understand?”
“...But you promised me forever.”
“JunJun…”
With a quiet sob, Gong Jun lunged towards the older man, grabbing him in a tight hug. He held on tightly, burying his face against Zhang Zhehan’s shoulder as he cried. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair. The punishment didn’t fit the action, the cruelty of those who stood by and laughed at his Zhang Laoshi’s misery, none of it made sense to him. Why? Why were people so cruel in this world? And he couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t be like Wen Kexing, forever standing at A-Xu’s side. He wasn’t brave enough and he had too many people to think about, but how he wished he could. How he wished he could tell the world to go away and retreat to a snowy mountain, just the two of them without another care for this horrible place.
Zhang Zhehan held onto Gong Jun, letting his own tears fall silently. He hadn’t cried yet in front of anyone else, not wanting them to see him at his most vulnerable. But JunJun never had any shields up with him and in reciprocation Zhang Zhehan felt safe in letting his own guard down. He gently patted the younger man’s back, trying to soothe him as he heard Gong Jun’s hiccuping sobs, his words muffled by Zhang Zhehan’s robe.
“...You promised me forever...you promised me forever…”
Trying to ease the other’s distress, the older man pulled back a little, enough so he could wipe at Gong Jun’s eyes with the sleeve of his robe.
“Shh...I haven’t even cried yet...are you crying for me?”
The younger man let out a wet and shaky chuckle, the line from the drama making him remember that rainy night during filming.
“I-it’s all your fault I’m crying...I-I just came...to deliver s-some nuts.”
Zhang Zhehan laughed and gave Gong Jun a tight hug.
“I appreciate that. And...JunJun, I do appreciate you coming. I...I wasn’t sure how you were going to react after hearing about what I did…”
Gong Jun sighed and shook his head.
“Everyone’s made mistakes, and you apologized already. Those who don’t know aren’t faulted*, at least they shouldn’t be. It’s just with the media and the internet, everything happened so fast. All your hard work for the past ten years just torn apart like this...it’s terrible.”
“We may not like it but that is reality, which is why you have to be extra careful, JunJun.”
“I know...and I will. I...I promise. But you know regardless of anything I...I still think we’re friends...I want to be your friend, Zhang Laoshi. If you want someone to talk to, or to hang out with…”
Zhang Zhehan smiled weakly, “Maybe when this settles down...but thank you.”
Gong Jun nodded, then finally took a moment to look around the room. He balked a little at the stack of delivery cartons he saw on the desk, eyes widening in slight horror.
“Zhang Laoshi...have you been eating just delivery all this time?’
Zhang Zhehan shrugged, “Can’t really cook here...and I haven’t been in the mood even if I could.”
With a grimace, Gong Jun stood up looking determined.
“Wait here, I’m going to buy groceries and cook something for you. All that delivery isn’t healthy.”
“C-cook?? There’s no kitchen here.”
“I’ll find one I can use.”
Before the older man can say anything else, Gong Jun was already heading for the door. He paused just before opening it, looking back with an encouraging smile.
“It’ll be alright, Zhang Laoshi. After the storm comes the rainbow. You can hide in my trailer again for this storm.”
He hurried out the door before Zhang Zhehan could reply, leaving the older man wide-eyed and blinking dumbly. After a few minutes of staring at the door, he finally felt the hint of a genuine smile tugging on his lips.
“...Thank you, JunJun.”