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Somewhere. Anywhere. Who cares?
That had been a recurring thought these days. “Take me somewhere. Anywhere. Who cares?” There were very few options when it came to where Sirius was able to go. As far as he was concerned, he was a sitting duck everywhere he went.
This isn’t to say that he was wandering around aimlessly killing time until his inevitable capture. No, no, he had a mission: find and kill the man who turned his life upside down. Sort of ironic that he’d spent twelve years wrongfully imprisoned for a crime he was about to commit on the very man who framed him. The man who betrayed him. The man he once called his best friend.
In the three days since Sirius escaped his cold damp cell, he spent every waking moment tracking down Peter Pettigrew. Twelve years being cast aside with only his consuming thoughts to keep him company had not made his hatred towards Peter diminish like some may think. It had continued to build up the more he thought about him. All the shared laughs, the caring advice, the entrusted secrets…
I trusted you. God how fucking stupid could I have been?
A squirrel ran past hoping to avoid him. Sirius had forgotten how skittish certain animals got around dogs, especially the abnormally large ones with matted black fur. Even though he knew the suburbs were a risky place to stay, with all the nearby dogs and children, he needed some time to think. To figure out his next move.
This is what he knew:
1. Peter Pettigrew is very much alive.
2. Peter Pettigrew is living as a rat.
How fitting.
3. Peter Pettigrew had weaseled his way into the Weasley family.
4. The Weasley family had a boy Harry’s age.
5. Harry’s in danger.
Must save Harry.
That’s the whole reason he had escaped in the first place.
It’s not that he couldn’t have done it sooner. He thought about escaping everyday. But how could he when he knew his existence was the reason for their deaths?
My fault. My fault. My fault. My fau-
A car horn blared across the street. Two toddlers jumped out of a 1985 Volvo sedan and made their way into their homes, their parents quickly following with half a dozen bags of groceries. Alright now Sirius really knew he had to leave. The suburbs could get crowded fairly quickly at night. The less people noticing a stray looking shaggy black dog, the better.
Despite having a clear mission in mind, Sirius had absolutely no idea how to find Peter. I mean shit, that little rodent’s hide and seek skills were so good he could probably find a way to hide in Snape’s crust filled robes.
Haha Remus would find that funny. Remus, I’m so sor-
No time to think. He needed to leave this god forsaken suburbia before the children started running around trying to pet him. But where? He couldn’t just apparate to Arthur’s house. What would he even say?
“Hi Arthur, remember me? I’m that crazy mass murdering ex-coworker of yours! Well great news! It turns out I’ve been innocent this whole time, and your rat is the one who should rot in jail!”
Probably not the best idea.
Just when he thought he would be stuck in this run of the mill Suburbiaville forever, he got up and made his way towards the nearby woods. It was as if some external force had possessed his body and decided where its next location would be.
As he walked past the mundanely looking colonial homes, Sirius thought of the life he could have had. He and Remus having the Potters over every Sunday. Sirius, James, and Harry playing Quidditch in the yard while Remus and Lily cooked one of their infamous dinners. Music from their youth blasting from the record players. So many smiles. So much love.
They deserved that.
Once he found himself surrounded by the quiet seclusion of the woods, Sirius transformed back into himself, and cringed. His once Greek god-like appearance deteriorated over the years, until he was essentially a walking bag of bones. His nails were yellow and had been thoroughly bitten. His hair was tangled and had more white streaks than he could possibly ever count. His once piercing blue eyes had turned a ghostly grey. He was so so skinny.
He may not be dead, but he was far from living.
Sirius stood under a growing oak tree, pondering his next move. Suddenly, and without questioning why, he began apparating to the one place he’d swore he’d never return to. It was as if whatever was controlling his body deliberately wanted him to completely lose his mind tonight. His mind concentrated on the residential cottages, the quiet but comforting local pub, the Romanesque church, until his body felt like it was violating the laws of space and time. As his feet felt solid ground and his eyes adjusted to the sunlight, Sirius took a moment to look around. His life had been ruined by this quaint little town in West Britain. The tranquility of the village’s family friendly ambience perfectly masked the horrors that had happened there so many years ago. Apparently, infamy didn’t mean remembrance.
When the coast was clear, Sirius transformed back into Padfoot and began wandering around, trying desperately to keep his focus on his mission: killing Peter Pettigrew.
Then why the hell am I here?
Despite knowing that the two faced rat was bunking with the Weasleys, he had still managed to find himself in Godric’s Hollow.
For twelve long years, Sirius did everything he could to forget this place existed. Pushed it out of his mind. Reimagined Britain’s whole map. Even renamed it to “Sodric’s Hollow” for a humorous spin. But no matter how hard he tried, the memory of this place stayed with him. But there was something that had brought him here tonight. Padfoot turned the corner and noticed an old familiar fountain. He remembered the first night they noticed it. Sirius had made a point to say it was the biggest waste of taxpayer money he’d ever seen. Lily had naturally rolled her eyes and explained the fountain’s historical significance to the village. Leave it to Lily Evans to find the beauty in useless things. His gaze shifted to the grotesque looking statue from which the water poured out of.
Still ugly.
He leaned over and saw his reflection in the water. Those black beady eyes staring back at him, filled with so much anger and resentment. He sighed and continued walking on the ancient cobblestone road, sniffing the scent of English dinner wafting from the houses. Sirius noticed children leaving their neighbor’s yards and running back to their homes and families. He knew that continuing on this path would eventually lead him back to that house, but he didn’t seem to care. His body had returned here like some ghost with unfinished business. The subtle hoot from a nearby howl pulled Sirius’ gaze away from the ground and towards the house. He froze. Something inside of him was aching, telling him to run away as far as possible. This could not be why he had returned. This couldn’t be it.
Then he saw it. Across the street from the third house past the Potters’, stood a gothic style graveyard. The smoky grey gates were enveloped by the growing ivies. The scent of flowers greeted incoming visitors. The willow trees perfectly framed the entrance, casting a comforting shadow upon those who rested there. It was a beautiful haunted garden. This was the force that had brought Sirius to Godric’s Hollow. His unfinished business.
*******************
Padfoot made his way through the gates. His heart was racing. He both couldn’t think and couldn’t stop thinking. Every piece of standing granite he passed was once a person. A person with a family. A life. Their headstones intertwined in the graveyard like a hedge maze of untold stories. Sirius wondered if they knew that.
"Holland Abbott, Edwin Booth, Helen Knighton, Elsbeth Montgomery, Julie Parkes, Ignotus Peverell." He stopped, and just like a tidal wave retreating from the shore, the force left his body as he stood facing a slightly worn gravestone. At first glance, it seemed as though it was being well cared for. The pebbles were neatly placed, the weeds gently trimmed, the letters still glistening as though they’d been carved just yesterday. Lilies had been planted years ago and now surrounded the plot. Their white petals placed a gentle highlight around the tombstone. There were so many.
Lily, you should see it. I mean thousands.
But upon further observation, it was clear it had been abandoned. Unvisited. Forgotten.
There is no one left. Mum, Dad, Gid, Fab, Alice, Frank, Dorcas, Marls. They couldn’t visit you. No one can. Well I guess there’s always Re-
No time to think. He needed to make a polite exit and find Peter. No point in reminiscing over the past. There was nothing he could do to change what happened. All he could do now is focus on revenge.
He just needed to turn around and walk away. A movement so simple, even a toddler could do it. He just needed leave.
Walk away damn it. Just walk away.
Sirius attempted to pull his gaze away, he really did. But no matter how hard he tried, his eyes were glued to the lightly illuminated letters.
“In loving memory of James Potter and Lily Potter.”
*******************
In fifth year, James and Sirius had a conversation about the significance of their animagus forms. Sirius said that it was just arbitrary bullshit, but James insisted that the form you take reflects who you are on the inside.
(“Does that mean you’re secretly afraid of headlights?” Sirius mocked. James had let out a small laugh and gave him a soft punch on the arm. “No, you twat! I’m a stag because I’m a protective leader. Also my hair always weirdly sticks up like antlers.” Sirius ruffled James’ hair. “It really does! So what does that mean for me? Do I like to piss on the carpet if you don’t give me enough attention?” Sirius had expected another laugh punch combo, but instead James gave him a soft earnest smile. “Dogs are pack animals. They thrive when they’re with the members of their pack. Me, Moony, and Wormtail need you just as much as you need us. It means your sense of loyalty defines who you are.”)
Back then, Sirius had thought James was just rambling on for show, but he realized what he had been talking about. As he stared at his best friend’s grave, he knew he was missing his pack. He desperately wanted to be his sixteen year old self again, where his only concern was keeping his best friend out of detention. Where his only concern was how quickly Peter would be able to lay the dungbombs in the third floor corridor. Where his only concern was keeping up with the wolf on full moons, and caring for him the next morning. It was far from a simple life, but at least he wasn’t alone.
Sirius finally understood what this inexplicable force wanted him to do. For years, that night had played over and over in his head. He wondered what he could have done differently, who he should have trusted, who he should have protected. The thoughts consumed every second of every day until his mind withered away, turning into an endless abyss of past mistakes. What he needed now, what the force wanted, what James and Lily most likely wanted, was closure. He took a deep breath, and began his long overdue eulogy.
Well don’t be so surprised by my late arrival, I was always known for making a dramatic entrance. Sorry, I shouldn’t really be joking right now. I- um. Well I’m not going to lie to you guys I’m really nervous. I’ve imagined countless times what I’d say to you the next time we’d meet. I guess this is the best I'll get for now. Well alright um let me start I guess. James I swear to God if you make fun of me or call me a sappy git I will hunt you down wherever you are and smack you over the head. Relax, Lily I’m only joking. No harm will be done to your precious husband!
Padfoot sat on his hind legs and took a deep breath.
As I was saying, I’ve thought about what I’d say for so long. I even prepared a speech in my head years ago, but it's a little fuzzy right now. All I remember are the hundreds of times the words “I’m sorry” plagued my thoughts. Though I’m not sure they hold any significance anymore. Alright, Jesus, I’m rambling again. As McGonagall would say: “Alright Mr. Black no point in delaying the inevitable. Stop wasting our time and just tell me why you and Mr. Potter felt the need to fill the men’s lavatory with imploding water balloons!” Haha, I miss old Minnie. Wonder how she is. I suppose she’s still teaching. I’m pretty sure the world could be ending and she’d still assign her third years two parchment length essays on “The Significance of Transfiguration in Modern Day Wizardry.” She’s probably still at Hogwarts. Harry’s a third year at Hogwarts.
Padfoot’s ears perked at the sound of the party in the house a block away.
I shouldn’t stay here too long. I’ve got things to do. Someone to see. I just wanted to say that neither of you deserved this. It shouldn’t have been you. You deserved to raise Harry together as a boring family and live in boring Suburbiaville with other boring suburban families. I wish I was the one who died instead of you. God, if I had one wish in this world, it would be to switch places with you two. I would do anything to be the one who left. I was never the one who deserved to live. You two were so kind and caring and protective and loving and I just- I can’t believe it’s me standing here and not you. You two were the family I chose. The family that chose me.
Padfoot’s legs gave out and he laid down on the cold grass.
I want so badly to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for taking your love for granted. I’m sorry for not being there. I’m sorry for trusting that stupid fucking rat. But I know what you’d say, James. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, Pads. You did everything you could. There’s another person who deserves your sorrys far more than we do right now.” And you’re right. I’m planning on it. I just don’t know if I should see him. I left him alone. My stupidity left him alone. He’s alone.
Padfoot’s fur prickled at the soft summer breeze.
There’s so much I can say, but really the only words that come to mind are so simple, it’s almost laughable. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. James, I miss the way your nose scrunched up when you laughed at one of my stupid jokes. And the way you always had bandaids lying around, ready to use at any moment. I miss staying up late, and Mum scolding us the next day. Lily, I miss how you’d braid my hair when I was nervous. And how you held my hand the first time you heard about my family. The way you always knew how to make me smile. I miss seeing James make a fool in front of you. I miss your stupid bickering. I miss your dancing. I miss Sunday dinners. I miss-
And it went on and on and on. Sirius kept at this until his mind felt like it had sunk to the bottom of the ocean, slowly suffocating, grasping for any moment of relief. He really hoped Remus didn’t feel this way.
Oh Moony I’m so-
No time to think.
-rry I should have been there I should have list-
No time to think.
-ened to you. You knew something was wrong but I was just so obli-
No time to think.
-vious. I’m so sorry I lov-
No time to think. No time to think. No time to think.
Sirius had a mission.
But he was tired. So tired.
Padfoot sat back up and stared at the night sky. There must have been thousands of stars out.
So beautiful.
He took one last look at his friends, and did the only thing he thought was fitting. He wailed.
*******************
Those who passed the graveyard would go on to tell their families about the odd scene they had witnessed earlier that night.
That of the abandoned graveyard dog howling in agony under the creeping moonlight.