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It’s not fair.
The thought wound its way into Leo's mind, twisting and sliding into every nook and cranny of his brain as easily as a serpent sliding through marshy river reeds.
It’s not fair.
Leo sighed and rolled his shoulders out hoping to relieve the coil of tension that had tightened in his muscles. The day had started so good too. He had woken that morning to the feeling of Logan pressing soft butterfly kisses to his cheeks, his forehead, his neck, Leo’s face pulled into a sleepy smile as he blinked his eyes open taking in the sight of Logan’s bright eyes and atrocious bed head.
“Good morning baby,” he mumbled, voice scratchy from sleep. Logan grinned back and leaned in, catching Leo’s mouth in a slow chaste kiss.
“Bonjour mon amour,” Logan whispered back against his lips. Leo didn’t want to move even an inch, because right there in their bed with Finn snuggled into his chest snoring softly and Logan’s lips warm and plush against his own, that was his favorite place in the world.
Everything had been going smoothly, practice had been hard but good, his day perfectly ordinary in every way. So why?
Why on earth did he feel this way? Why had his heart began beating fast as hummingbird wings? Why were earthworms burrowing and churning through soil in his stomach? Why did invisible ants scurry across his skin raising goosebumps in their wake?
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair that out of the blue Leo’s entire mood could flip, that his happiness could sour and curdle with unfounded anxiety. It wasn’t fair that the good could turn so very bad without so much as a warning.
Oh, boo hoo, who ever said life was fair? Leo shook his head, trying not to listen to the stupid mean thoughts in his head. Get over yourself, your little discomforts don’t matter. Suck it up.
Leo breathed in deep, trying in vain to settle the uncomfortable squirming inside him. After he had gotten home from practice Leo retreated out onto their little balcony, the cool evening air felt nice against his skin. The coarse wicker of his chair bit at his legs, through the thick denim of his jeans; the sharp pricks simultaneously felt very far away but also somewhat comforting, grounding him in the world around him. Leo’s eyes were locked onto the Gryffindor skyline but they had long since glazed over blurring the buildings into one gray streak across his vision, smudged pink clouds just above it.
Distantly he heard the glass door slide open and Finn’s soft voice, “Hey Nutter Butter, Lo was wanting take out tonight. Any strong opinions on Thai?”
Leo opened his mouth to answer, his eyes still staring blankly into the distance, but he couldn’t seem to get enough breath into his lungs to form the words. Each inhale making his chest tighter and tighter until Leo wished he could take a knife and cut himself open just to relieve the pressure.
“Leo?” Finn asked, concerned as he stepped out onto the balcony, coming a bit closer. Finn must have recognized the glassy vacant look on his face because he let out a sympathetic sigh, “Oh, sweetheart.”
Settling down onto his knees so they were at the same eye level, Finn pressed his palms against Leo’s thighs smoothing them up and down the tense muscle soothingly. They had been through this enough times for Finn to know that when he was lost and hurting, Leo craved nothing more than the contact. The warmth of his partner's hands on him more comforting than anything else.
“Come here baby,” Finn whispered, his hand rising to cup the back of Leo’s neck and gently pull him into his shoulder. Leo could feel his fingers thread into his hair as Finn pressed a kiss to his temple, “It’s ok my love, everything’s gonna be ok,” he murmured.
“Guys? You decide what you want for dinner? Cause I am not above ordering without-“Logan said walking out onto the balcony only to cut off his sentence when he saw the tender way Finn was holding Leo.
“What happened?” Logan asked, concern bleeding into his voice as he came to sit on the arm of that wicker chair, his hand settling warm and heavy on Leo’s back.
“I don’t- I-“ Leo tried, somehow his mouth unable to even form the simple phrase I don’t know.
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair that at random everything could be stripped away leaving Leo raw as an exposed nerve.
“Oh, mon amour,” Logan sighed, sad and sympathetic, “shhh, it’s ok you don’t have to answer.”
Leo’s breathing was as shaky as his trembling body, he let himself lean into their touch until his back was pressed to Logan’s thigh, face still buried in Finn's shoulder. The position was awkward, but Leo honestly couldn’t have cared less all he could think about was the warmth of their hands soaking into him. All he could think was how he desperately wished their touch could burn away the feeling inside him.
But sadly no matter how much he wished their love alone was enough, that wasn’t how life worked. But despite the fact that Finn and Logan couldn’t fix him Leo was still so incredibly grateful for their support, their love.
And in the moments when it felt like he was locked in a grave buried alive under cool dry earth. With tangled tree roots trying to twist and burrow through his body, absorb the nutrients of his life, they were the ones that made Leo want to dig himself out. They were the ones that made him want to claw his way back to the surface rather than surrender himself to the worms.
Leo didn’t know how long they sat with him, just letting him draw strength from their stability while the cool evening air washed over them. He didn’t know if his shaking was from the cold or the anxiety but then again he didn’t really care.
Eventually, Finn and Logan guided him back inside their home; they wrapped him in warm blankets and held him close until the trembling subsided.
“How you doing, Love?” Finn finally asked once Leo’s body seemed to have relaxed a bit. They were laid together on the couch Leo wrapped up tight and curled into Finn's chest. He soothingly ran his hands up and down Leo’s body and pressed a kiss to the little fluff of hair that was visible from inside his blanket cocoon.
“M’ok,” Leo whispered, his voice a bit rough from the raging forest fire of emotions that had burned hit inside him.
“Yeah?” he asked softly, worry clear in his voice, Leo just nodded.
“You hungry? You haven’t eaten since this morning, it might help to get something in your system.” Leo shrugged and snuggled in closer, tucking his face into Finn's shoulder.
“You just wanna stay here laying on me?” Leo nodded once more making Finn huff a soft laugh and kiss his head again.
“Alright baby, how about this: Lolo will get food, you can stay here and when he gets back if you don’t want to eat you’ll have some food for tomorrow. That sound ok?”
Leo tightened his hold around Finn and mumbled a quiet, “love you.”
And though the words were muffled by the blankets wrapped around him Finn heard, “I love you too Le, I always will.”