Chapter Text
Chapter 1
The pain was sharp and immediate, then leaving almost as quickly as it pierced through her being. Then, it was followed by hollowness, the type of emptiness that Scylla had only previously experienced at a funeral. The specific type of pain that happens when someone is lost.
"You don't always have to be on me."
Such a simple phrase, but it was the one that did the most damage. The one that caused reality to finally click:
Raelle doesn't love me anymore.
And there it is. Empty pain. Like she was reliving a funeral.
After weeks of only seeing each other for a day or two here, a night there, she could tell Raelle was slowly being disentangled from her. Less affection, less kisses, less physical contact. Each time Raelle returned from a mission, or Scylla from one of her own, it was as though an extra block had been added to the wall that had slowly been constructing itself between them.
Until, at this very point, it appeared complete.
It wasn't that Scylla hadn't noticed Raelle withdrawing and tried, but her tries were always met with a quick brush off—an attempt at a kiss on the lips met with a move of the head to kiss a cheek, trying to hold her hand was given a squeeze and a sad smile, before the hand was ultimately withdrawn.
But this time, this was sharp. Scylla saw that Raelle was sitting up in bed, reading a book on ancient Icelandic spells she had gotten from Izadora, of all people. She saw it as a window of opportunity to nudge her head onto Raelle's shoulder, hoping the blonde's long arms would wrap around her and continue reading as she napped, like they had done many nights before.
Instead, she was nudged off, and the warning sounded so simple, but so clear.
"You don't always have to be on me." It rang in Scylla's ears.
She was certain that Raelle knew that physical affection was a need for Scylla, not just a want. It was what made her feel safe when one of them returned home. It was what solidified the relationship, even though they were on different life paths when out in the world, but then always returning, and falling back into step with each other.
Until this moment, which had been building for the better part of the summer, into the freshness of fall, if not longer.
The moment when it finally clicked.
She wasn't dealing with a partner that was tired. Or stressed out. Or any of the other excuses she had made for Raelle as time ticked on, when they saw less and less of each other, falling into routines of rest when they did have time together rather than the reigniting of passion they used to experience. Scylla realized then that she had been watching someone fall out of love.
This time, her face didn't just fall, letting her roll over and plan another time to try; try to get her partner to reciprocate the affection that she showed and needed back so desperately. She felt the burning of the tears starting, her throat clenching, as though she were actually going to say the words aloud.
Instead, she sat up, hiding her face as she grabbed her robe, putting on her slippers.
"Where are you going?" Raelle asked politely, apparently unaware that she had just dealt the final blow.
Scylla left the room without even giving an answer.
-------------------------------------------
After grabbing a glass to pour some whisky in and swapping out shoes for her slippers, she was glad she hadn't answered Raelle's question. Somehow, being honest, and saying she was going out to the yard to drink whisky by the fire because she wouldn't be able to fall asleep next to the woman felt too needy. Too honest. And ultimately, somewhat pathetic.
That was it. It felt pathetic to still be in love with someone who was sending clear signals they were no longer in love. She was on the more painful side of a one-sided relationship, and didn't know how to deal.
If she were being honest about the situation, she was just as alone out here as she would be had she stayed in the bedroom.
She built a small fire in their fire pit, sipping a double pour. She didn't mind the dirt getting on her robe as she dusted off her hands from the build, her jaw unclenching a bit as the flames grew.
Scylla loved watching fires burn. They reminded her of many holidays, Yule in particular, where her parents would always keep a fire going, deciding that just for one day they wouldn't worry--worry about being caught, about running, about the state of the world. They could just gather around the fireplace, the fire pit, the bonfire—whatever it was, depending on the time of the year, and decide to be happy.
It calmed her down enough from the immense pain of being rejected, with what felt like finality. She couldn't help but think, and then say into the night, "She doesn't love me anymore."
Over and over. Was Raelle even aware of it? Did she realized she had fallen out of love with Scylla, still showing up at the safehouse when she had time to out of habit? Did she genuinely not realize the pain she was causing every time she walked in the door, and continued on straight to the shower without giving her girlfriend a kiss hello? A hug? Any of the warmth they previously exchanged?
Scylla laid her head down on her arm, lying down on the wooden bench next to the fire pit so she could keep watching the flames move, knowing eventually they would calm her enough to fall asleep for a bit. She was already getting cold, the chill of the fall air nipping at her ankles, but going back inside was not an option tonight. As if she could just go inside, and sleep next to Raelle, knowing she still loved her, and the love wasn't returned.
That would be a more unbearable night than any night out in cold.