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John sat on the edge of the bed, rocking slightly to soothe himself. In one hand, he held a tiny stuffed elephant, squeezing it so hard his knuckles were white. In the other, he held his phone, opened to "Find my iPhone." So he could track how close Alex was to his house. They'd had "find my iPhone" ever since becoming friends, since both needed to know how close or far the other was, and both didn't always have the energy to send or answer texts. The soft, worn fur of the elephant didn't soothe him like it usually did. He felt muddled in a way that was hard to explain. On the one hand, he'd wanted this for the past year, he and Alex had communicated directly and openly about it, and he did desire Alex. On the other hand, he couldn't stop doubting. Do I really want this? he wondered. Do I just tell myself I want it because that's how I was told I was supposed to feel? John had certainly felt that way about a lot of things. His family told him he enjoyed board games, because everyone did, so he believed them. Only after getting his diagnosis for NVLD did he realize that the fast moving, competitive, hypersocial nature of board games made him feel overwhelmed and confused, and it didn't help when his parents and siblings snapped at him for missing his turn or misunderstanding the rules.
Maybe sex was like that?
Sex and board games.
Huh.
John's thoughts started folding in on themselves, creating a feedback loop as they so often did, pulling him out of the real world. Despite looking directly at his screen, sitting in his silent room, he didn't notice when the location for Alex's phone was right over his house on the map, didn't hear the door ease open. Even Alex's whispering his name wasn't enough.
"John," Alex said for the second time. He gently touched John's shoulder, and John leaned forward, inviting Alex to hug tightly. "You're nervous. You've done so well with being more aware of your surroundings, so you only turn into zombie-John when you're nervous. As in, really nervous."
"Really nervous," John repeated, then took a deep breath. "I am nervous."
"Okay." Alex responded simply. He sat beside John on the bed and clambered into his lap, arms around his neck. John felt a familliar warmth in his chest as he gathered Alex in his arms. "Can we kiss?" They'd been dating for over a year and a half, but every single time, Alex still asked permission to kiss. John echoed "kiss." And let Alex peck his lips. They sat in silence for a moment before Alex spoke again. "Are you nervous because we're going to have sex?"
"Yes." John shrugged.
"And you're self-conscious about your body type, you're scared of hurting me, and you don't like the idea of an unfamiliar situation." This time, John just signed yes. "But you still want to."
"I do." John paused, feeling doubt overwhelm him again. "I think."
"You think' isn't good enough, that's not sufficient consent on your part." Alex nestled his head against John's soft chest. "I'm nervous too."
"I can tell." Before Alex could ask how, he picked up his phone and quickly typed out. You're nervous about all the things you said I'm nervous about.
"That's right. So we should make a plan. Plans are good." Alex chuckled, not for any particular reason, and John echoed it automatically. "I brought condoms and lube, just in case, but vaginal penetration isn't the only way to have sex. Oral, digital- which means sexual stimulation with the hands or fingers, it's a very helpful word, I'm not sure why people don't use it as much as oral- mutual masturbation. Theoretically, we could do it all fully clothed."
"Time?"
"It's ten-thirty." Alex glanced at his watch. "I should probably leave around three or four a.m."
"So," John said slowly. "We can sit and think, then talk."
Alex smiled and looked up, and John smiled back. He didn't smile often, since he'd promised himself to stop masking, but Alex was the only person who compelled him to really smile. "For as long as you need. Tap my shoulder when you want to talk, or, you want me to talk, since you're a man of few words at the moment."
"Lay down with me?" John scooted up on his bed and lay on his side, keeping his phone handy. Alex stood, removed his pants and sweater, and cuddled up to him.
"Is all physical contact alright?"
John made a small "ah" noise, opening his phone again. He rolled his eyes as Alex read what he'd typed. We're having sex tonight. Duh. It was a very John-like thing to say, and Alex laughed. "Understood." He took John's hand and shut his eyes. "Not sleeping, just thinking." John hummed, grateful. He didn't like being watched, especially when he was trying to get his racing thoughts in order. "Can you play something?" Alex requested. John hummed again, opening audible and picking his latest favorite: The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. Alex only liked the books when he was with John, which, he was mostly with John, so both of them were able to recite the opening lines along with the narrator.
She was born Anidori-Kiladra Talianna Isilee, Crown Princess of Kildenree,
and she did not open her eyes for three days.
John breathed in Alex's scent, basked in his warmth. He and Alex had been friends since they were twelve years old, since Alex had been placed with a foster family in the same Richmond suburb as the Laurens's. Alex had struck him as a quiet, skinny girl who wasn't much interested in other people. But he was quick to learn that once you got Alex talking, he didn't shut up. They'd ended up near each other by nature of being outcasts. John had been adopted as a baby, and in this town, he'd always been the brown kid, the fat kid, the "retarded" kid, and now, the gay kid. Every day, he walked through the school with a target on his back. But Alex showed up, the brown kid, the weird kid, the foreigner, and someone with whom John could find comradery.
It was less than a year after they met that Alex told John he wasn't a girl. John had accepted it easier, because it made sense in a way he couldn't explain. That also explained the feelings he had developed for his best friend. He'd been there when Alex started developing breasts, when he came out to his adoptive family, when he started testosterone therapy. Alex had been there through John's eating disorder, when he returned from inpatient, holding him to his recovery program, making sure he ate.
Solidarity had started the friendship, but something even stronger kept it going.
One day, they'd been walking home from school freshman year, taking the long way through a nice, mostly quiet walking trail. It had been hot out, so they stopped to sit at a shady bench. They sat for a long time before Alex announced, I'm going to kiss you. John had simply said okay.
And he did.
John couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that they went from "friends" to "boyfriends." He knew Alex had asked, and he'd said yes, but it felt like it had happened before that. Whenever it was, he wanted to keep Alex as a constant in his life. Because Alex was his polar opposite. John was always trying to shrink himself, curl up in shame, be as unremarkable as possible. When he was around Alex, he didn't feel that way. Alex, on the other hand, despite his short, skinny frame, was the biggest person John had ever met. He was always talking, and when he wasn't talking, he was writing. When John had first met him, he'd thought Alex was invulnerable, even invincible. But he was just as wounded as John, in his own way, and only John got to see that side of him. It made him want to protect Alex with everything he had.
But even as John felt most secure and safe around Alex, there were limits. The only time John hadn't been chubby was when he was starving himself, and with a boyfriend like Alex, he couldn't get away with that anymore. He was coming to terms with the fact that this was his body and there was nothing wrong with it, but that didn't change the lifetime of bullying that shaped his self-image. He couldn't move past the fear that Alex would hate what he saw under John's clothes, that he'd react like the boys in the school locker room, the only place Alex couldn't be around to defend him. And he knew it wasn't rational, knew that Alex didn't care, that he liked the way John looked. When John had lost an unhealthy amount of weight in a short time, Alex had gone and done hours of research on diet culture and fatphobia, and was the first to lecture John on the subject every time he hinted at a relapse.
That was it, really. Alex was just always there.
"Alex," he said. Alex didn't open his eyes, but he hummed in acknowledgement. "I do want to do this. I know I do."
Alex smiled. "Me too. I'm gonna open my eyes now."
"How should we do it?" John sat up, reaching for the elephant and twisting it in his hands. "I mean, what position are we going to do?"
"I've thought about that. I don't think I care as long as we communicate and go slow." John was doing that thing again, twisting his stim toy and focusing intently on one spot. Alex sighed patiently. "Okay, what if I describe us in a position, and you tell me how it makes you feel?"
"Sounds good," John agreed. "But I might need to type."
"Fine." Alex thought for a moment. "You, lying on your back, and me riding you." John pinched his lips and shook his head. "Got it, me, riding you-"
John held out the phone, and Alex dropped off mid sentence. Describe something where you're not on top of me. Claustrophobia and all.
Alex nodded. "Sitting side by side, engaging in digital sex."
John snickered. "You make it sound so official."
Alex looked miffed at that. "It is official, it's our first time."
"Fair enough. Um, I actually like that."
"Do you just like it?"
John shrugged, even when a surge of unfamiliar but not unpleasant heat flared in his stomach as he rolled the idea over in his mind.
"Just, picture it in your head."
"I have aphantasia."
"Right."
"I would want that."
"Okay." Alex moved closer to John, and his closeness only heightened the new bodily sensations John was experiencing. John wasn't new to the idea of sex or sexual desire. He'd used the internet to compensate for America's terrible sex ed, he'd talked about it with Alex, he'd touched himself before. But it hadn't occurred to him how different it would feel to actually have another person there. "Me, on my back, and you, on top of me. Missionary position."
John swallowed and took a shaky breath. "Yes."
Alex looked pointedly at his lap. "You've started getting hard." He said bluntly.
"I know." John felt his face burn, and he wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or aroused. Probably both. "I guess that means you can-"
"Do you want me to?"
Instead of answering, John took Alex's hand, long slender fingers cramped and oddly bent from years of holding pencils incorrectly, and placed it between his legs. He'd seen people do that in movies, and hoped it made him look more confident than he felt. Alex experimentally pressed down, and John felt a choked noise escape him. He whispered a raspy "That's okay." before Alex could stop to ask. As he grew harder, Alex squeezed the bulge, rubbing it through John's pajama pants. John looked straight ahead, trembling, then found he was getting closer, and he wanted to look at Alex. Alex looked back at him, not quite making direct eye contact, and stopping. Slowly, he slipped his hand beneath John's waistband, and John could barely breathe. "Good." He confirmed, and Alex reached underneath his boxers and gripping him firmly. John gasped, reaching for Alex's shoulder and squeezing it tightly. He finished with a few quick stroked of Alex's bare hand, panting heavily.
"Kiss?"
"For tonight?" John thought carefully for a moment. "You can just kiss me without asking. Unless I change my mind. Then, I'll tell you."
Alex nodded, and he did kiss John. Slowly, with his tongue. They'd done that before, but it hadn't felt quite this intense. John carefully kissed Alex's jaw, then slowly on his neck. Alex sighed shakily, egging him on. He didn't see the appeal of hickeys, but he did drag the tip of his tongue across Alex's skin. He felt emboldened by Alex's reactions, Alex's hands on his back, by having Alex all around him. "Take my shirt off." He whispered.
"Are you sure?" John paused to look up to him. Alex ran a careful hand through his hair, shoulder length like his own, because neither of them could stand having their hair short. "John, you're self conscious, and I don't want to scare you."
"I just need it to happen." John took a deep breath, snatching Alex's hand and squeezing it. "I need you to see, you already know I'm fat, so,"
"And it's never mattered to me because I love all of you."
"I know." John went utterly still as his t-shirt was pulled over his head. "I love whatever body is attached to your head, John Laurens." Alex carefully folded the shirt and placed it on the end of the bed. He ran a hand down John's chest and stomach, pressed his forhead to John's.
"I love you," John whispered, and, for the first time since they'd started dating, he leaned in to kiss Alex. "If you want to, um, get off like I did, you can ride my thigh, if you want."
Alex nodded and climbed astride John's thigh. "You know," he said. "In this situation, having thick thighs is really advantageous."
"Yeah?" John reached for Alex's hips, trying to steady him.
"Yeah," Alex ground his hips down once, twice. "It's softer, provides better stimulation. That means we're good for each other."
That would've stung coming from anyone else, by Alex wasn't passive aggressive in the slightest, and John basked in the knowledge that this was just Alex's way of making him feel beautiful. Alex looked down, deep in focus as he rutted his hips against John's thigh. John just watched him for a moment, and although he'd just gotten off, the sight caused heat to surge in his abdomen once again. He reached out, tilted Alex's chin up, and kissed him. Alex hummed into the kiss, moving his lips against John's. It wasn't long before he stilled, squeezing tight around John's thigh before going limp and relaxing.
"Are we done now?" Alex asked, climbing off John's lap and curling into his side.
John tugged Alex's long hair loose, running his fingers through it. "I don't think we are, but I want us to wait a minute."
"Okay." Alex gave him a soft peck on the lips. "Then we wait."
John sighed and shut his eyes trying to relax again while Alex ran his hands over his arms, stomach, and legs, rubbed circles on his inner thigh, leaving soft kisses on his neck and shoulder. He reached for his phone to conserve energy. Are you wearing your binder?
"No." Alex assured him. He unexpectedly pulled his sweatshirt off, showing the black sports bra underneath. "I want to leave this on."
John nodded wordlessly, reaching out to touch Alex, feel the soft skin and coarse patches of body hair that had started growing from the T. Alex's body was angular, all sharp edges, from his ribs, to his hip bones, to his neck and jaw. He hooked his thumbs under the waistband of Alex's sweatpants, and Alex lifted his hips to let him pull them down to his knees. John could see Alex's chest moving with slow, shaky breaths, and he rested a hand on Alex's chest, feeling his heartbeat. Alex pulled him into a kiss, removing John's pajama pants as John had done for him. He took a moment to make sure the pants weren't inside out- both of them hated that- then they were both up on their knees, kissing and touching.
John fumbled for his phone again, breaking the kiss just long enough to type. Can we have sex now?
"Yes," Alex agreed. "Is there anything we need to talk about?"
No, I think we've talked about it enough. Let's just go forward with it, and I'll tell you to stop if I need.
"And so will I," Alex pecked John's lips, regretfully moving away from him. "Let me get the condom."
As Alex removed his boxers to roll the condom on, John pressed his hand between Alex's legs. "Okay?"
"Okay," Alex agreed. He popped open the bottle of lube, and John jumped when Alex slicked him with it. "But I don't want your fingers in me."
John nodded. He felt entranced as Alex leaned back and pulled him over him. John shifted awkwardly, balancing himself up on his elbows, afraid he was too heavy and could hurt Alex somehow, but when Alex cupped his cheek and whispered. "I really like this." John didn't feel so afraid anymore.
Then Alex was working his legs apart, allowing John's hips to settle between them. John's tip pressed to his entrance, and both of them seemed hyperaware of this. "You should... or, you can, uh, go inside now." Alex said. John steeled himself. He was tempted to ramble, to seek the reassurance that Alex would really be okay. But he couldn't, not now. Alex had told him what he wanted in no uncertain terms, and he needed to trust that. He was careful to line up to avoid any needless jabbing before he slowly, carefully pushed his head in. Alex gasped, and his hand clamped down on the back of John's neck. "I'm okay, that's just, that's a lot, but it's step one, just let me..." Alex took a few deep breaths, and John could feel him tense and relax around him. "Keep going." John nodded, feeling a small sound escape his throat as he pushed in to the base. This was so much, the tightness and heat, it was so much more that he'd ever imagined. Both of them were completely still for a few minutes before Alex let out a breathy laugh. "I thought my heart was going to stop."
John huffed out a breathy sound he'd never made before. "I thought my heart was going to stop." He echoed.
Knowing John needed a cue to move on, Alex squeezed his arm. "You can move, just gently." John swallowed, gathering his courage, and made a slow, slight thrust. The little burst of pleasure, as well as the shaky moan Alex responded with was enough to encourage him, and he kept at it, slow and careful, but not hesitant. While John only managed the occasional grunt, Alex was highly vocal, as always. "Okay, yeah, it kind of stings, but it feels really good. You can go faster, just, in small increments, you know?" Alex choked out a soft moan, and John absently thought that it was a good thing his parents weren't around tonight. He paused, much to Alex's disappointment, snatching his phone. Can I touch you?
Alex wet his lips. "Touch me where?"
"Your clit." John clarified.
"Oh." Alex seemed to consider it. "Yeah, but wait a little."
"Okay." John resumed thrusting, and once again felt that strangely new desire take over, and he leaned down to kiss Alex's neck, gaining new rhythm in time with his thrusts. Alex whined, high and trembling, and he pressed his hips back up to John. John figured that was a good time to start touching Alex, and he did, rubbing his clit carefully, giving the occasional pinch and tug.
"I'm close." Alex breathed. "Keep doing that." John agreed, he too was close, and he knew it was best if Alex came with him or before him. "Fuck." Alex mumbled. He gripped John's shoulders and went completely still, his eyes glazed, and John felt him tighten, and a wet warmth flood over him. And that was all it took for John, not just the feeling, but the knowledge that he made Alex feel that way. He pushed into Alex a few more times, admittedly more roughly than he intended, before the pressure that had been building in him all this time finally unwound as he pressed his lips to Alex's and came in the condom.
As soon as he finished shuddering and pulled out of Alex, the his boyfriend was quick to act. He peeled the condom off of John, tied it off and tossed it, gathered up their discarded clothes and dumped them in the laundry hamper, and hurried to the bathroom adjoined to John's room. John stripped the bed of his duvet, which had a wet stain on it. It smelled like sex, smelled like Alex. He made a quick trip to the laundry room and tossed it in the washing machine. When he returned to his room, Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing a pair of John's boxers and a t-shirt. His sports bra was on the nightstand. Now that the moment had passed, John felt self-conscious all over again, and was eager to cover himself back up.
Can you stay the night?
Alex kissed John's cheek, passing the phone back to him. "No, sorry. But I'll stay until you fall asleep."
John was mostly out of words for the day, but he did manage an "I love you." before crawling beneath his sheet. Alex sat beside him, stroking his hair. John let his eyes fall shut, and his boyfriend's hand on his cheek, the sound of Alex muttering about whatever random thing was on his mind, and the bliss and satisfaction of what they'd just done, lulled John into a deep sleep.