Chapter Text
“You see, doing one thing differently is very often the same as doing everything differently.”
- The Midnight Library, Matt Haig
Uniform uncontested divorce
Elliot stares at the words. He already knows what the entirety of this package of papers says, nearly word for word. He’s been staring at it for months, uncertain, unclear. Every time he thinks he’ll sign, he’ll get stuck like this, staring at the front page, in denial that this is what life has brought him to. He never thought this would be him. Twenty years investing in a marriage that’s now rotten to its roots.
He knows Kathy was right to file the papers, but he still can’t bring himself to sign them and be done. After all, that’s what it would be. Closing the door on a chapter of his life that he’d expected would only end with his death. It feels wrong.
He rubs his hand across the back of his head and stares until the text blurs together. If he were less tired, there would be words forming in his brain along the lines of someone please tell me what to do , but instead it’s more of an unworded plea into the universe for some comprehension. Some way for him to see beyond this moment and into the next. To make the decision and know it was the right one. It’s already after midnight and he may sit like that the rest of the night, but there’s the sound of a chair scraping.
He starts in surprise, sure he had been alone in the precinct for a while now and is confused to look up and see Fin sitting in Liv’s chair. And although the familiar face means his heart should return to a normal tempo, he still feels a twist of anxiety in his belly.
“Jesus. You scared me.” Elliot looks at Fin, befuddled. “Didn’t you go home hours ago?”
Fin shifts in the seat, leaning back and resting his joined hands over his stomach. “You need help and I’m here to provide it.” He says unclasping his hands and lifting them in a gesture of presentation.
Elliot furrows his brow, “Help?”
Fin nods, sagely. He waits for Elliot to understand but they both sit there staring, no comprehension apparent in Elliot’s face.
“Your paperwork, man.” Fin says with a hint of annoyance.
Elliot continues to frown. “But I’m caught up on paperwork.”
“Then what do you call that?” Fin nods towards Elliot’s desk.
Elliot glances down, sees again that he’s looking at his divorce papers. He lifts his head back to Fin. “You’re going to help me with my divorce?” Confusion bordering on confounding, laced with skepticism.
“How long you been staring at that?” Fin says as he idly shuffles through the files on Liv’s desk.
Elliot just stares at him. Fin’s just about the last person Elliot would expect to talk about his divorce with. Certainly the last who would offer input without being asked. Let alone this late at night.
“It’s been months, right? What you waiting for?”
Elliot doesn’t understand why Fin knows or cares. He figures he might as well ask, “Why do you care? Why would you want to help?”
“You were asking for help. So here I am.”
Elliot is so certain he did no such thing that he doesn’t even have to think about it. “No offense, but I can’t imagine I ever did that.”
Fin shakes his head in exasperation. “You were just sitting there praying for a decision. Well...maybe you wouldn’t quite call it a prayer. I mean you’re more of the ‘Our Father who art in heaven’ type, right? But it still had all the aspects of prayer. The need for help, the desperation. So do you want help or not?”
Elliot frowns so deeply he thinks it may stick. “How do you know that I was praying?”
Fin shakes his head again. “What else you gonna do? Anyways, I really don’t got all night. So?”
“Fin…I don’t…I mean…” Elliot gapes at Fin.
“Ok, look I’d hope you’d have caught on, but apparently you’re a little slow today.” He tilts his head at Elliot, that typical ‘you’re a dumb shit’ look that Fin is so good at. “I’m not Fin.” Elliot’s frown somehow deepens, “….well, I look like Fin. But I’m…it’s just easier if I look familiar. But you can think of me as a guide. A guardian angel, if you really have to.” Fin sighs.
What the fuck .
Elliot rubs his eyes, sure this is some strange dream.
“You’re awake, man.”
Elliot glances up again.
“Ya know I was really hoping that you’d just be ready to go. I mean it’s been a long day already, I was supposed to be clocking out and then here’s another one.” Fin looks at him, eyebrows raised, as if expecting Elliot to agree. Elliot stares at him blankly instead.
“Ok…let’s do this the long way then.” Fin shakes his head, sits up in the seat. “You’re having trouble making a choice. You’ve been stuck on it for months, but really it’s been longer than that. And you need to figure out what to do. What that choice will lead to.” Fin pauses and waits as Elliot nods a numb sort of agreement.
“Good. Well, you’ve prayed for help and sometimes you get lucky and your prayers get answered. So here I am, to help you with some…reflection.” Elliot nods again, this time with more hesitation.
“I can’t show you your future, that wouldn’t be fair. So I can’t show you the difference between your current options. But I can show you what would have happened, where you’d be right now, if you’d made different choices before. If you had acted on different options in the past. And maybe that can be of some use.”
“I’m definitely dreaming “ Elliot mutters.
“Man, you deaf? I told you. You’re not dreaming.” Fin clicks his tongue in annoyance, but when he sees the continued cluelessness on Elliot’s face, he seems to soften.
“Ok. Maybe you need proof that I’m not Fin….” He thrums his fingers against Liv’s desk and thinks before he finally seems to land on something. “Ah…couple months ago, while Liv was out. You kissed Dani Beck.”
“What?” Elliot exhales loudly in disbelief.
Fin raises a brow at him, smirking in triumph. “Don’t worry. Our secret. The real Fin doesn’t know.” Fin laughs, softly, then furrows his brow in thought. “Actually if that wasn’t a sign you were confused, I don’t know how you’re ever gonna come to your senses. She was all wrong for you.”
“The real Fin…” Elliot whispers. He feels a little queasy.
Fin waits as Elliot stares a while longer. He’s still sure he’s dreaming - what else should he call this bizarre and improbable conversation with Fin? Fake Fin? Not Fin? Still if this is his brain’s method of figuring his way out of his stuck position, maybe he should take it. He doesn’t understand why he hasn’t been able to make a decision - fight for his marriage in full or give it up entirely. Anything that gives him a push feels welcome.
He looks up at Fin - or at not Fin - and nods slowly. “You’re going to show me how my past decisions could have had different outcomes?”
Not Fin smiles, “Exactly.”
“And then that should help me decide what to do?”
Not Fin nods, relaxing back. “What do you say?”
“H-how?”
Not Fin blinks. “How what? You gotta be more specific.”
Elliot rubs his thumbs against his forehead, fighting a sore head. “How can you show me what would have happened if I’d made different choices? I mean if I already made a decision, how would you know what happened if I’d done it differently?”
“Oh...you’re one of those.” Not Fin’s mouth opens and closes as he ponders. “If you were a scientific man I’d give you the low down on the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics. But you’re not.” Not Fin tilts his head in his ‘I’m judging you’ sort of way.
“The simplest way I can say this is that every decision you make creates a new universe. What if you’d dropped out of high school early? What if you’d joined the army instead of the marines? What if you’d not gone to the party where you met your wife? These universes layer on top of each other. Every choice generates a new thread. And there are infinite possibilities. Infinite realities where some version of you is living out these different choices and their outcomes. To be clear, I’m not going to show you every single outcome of a choice. I’m going to give you one possible outcome for one possible choice. And since I have a feeling that if I need to see you again I won’t be happy, I’m going to show you a couple of different decision point outcomes - a few different times you had a choice to make and where those landed you. And,” Fin adds once more with extra emphasis, “since you seem extra slow, I’m going to give you a little nudge in the right direction. That is, if you pay attention.”
Elliot definitely has a headache now. Many-worlds? Quantum Physics? Possible outcomes? It’s certainly a wild, exhaustion-fueled dream. He is right now back in his apartment, fast asleep. He can’t possibly be sitting here talking to some potential guardian angel who looks and talks and acts like Odafin Tutuola. It’s completely impossible that said guardian angel is going to show him a bunch of different ways his life could have turned out with different choices. And when he thinks of it that way, well what is there to lose? Elliot sighs, shrugs. “Why the hell not?”