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By the time he returned to their hotel room, it had dawned on Jane that Erica’s call might indeed not have been purely because she wanted to get out of that country, out of that relationship with Nemic, it might not even have been because of the money he was sure she planned on taking with her – it really was because of him.
He’d never been stupid enough to think that she had any real interest in him. Her flirting had always been meant as a distraction (and years ago it had worked). She was good at reading people, so he couldn’t quite figure out why she would want to stir up trouble in his relationship with Lisbon, when there were a lot more effective ways to distract him now. At first, he’d thought it was just habit, but she didn’t adjust, so it must’ve been something else.
Tonight, he’d been genuinely surprised when she’d slung her arms around his neck. He also felt a little guilty. Maybe he could’ve, should’ve pushed her away instead of just standing still, but at least they could use that against her now. If she wanted him – for whatever reason – and her plan obviously included separating him and Lisbon, they could play on that and get not only Nemic but her, too.
He tried to be quiet, opening the door to their room, but it didn’t matter. Lisbon was still up anyway. She sat up on the bed and looked at him expectantly.
“Did you find it?”
He smiled and held up the book for her to see. He threw it on the bed and Lisbon picked it up, calling Abbott while he stepped out of his shoes and shrugged off his jacket. He joined her on the bed and took her hand when she got off the phone.
“Are you sure nobody saw you?” she questioned.
“I am sure.”
“Good, ‘cause I’m too tired to move hotels again.”
He chuckled before he looked up to meet her eyes. If he wanted to bring up Erica, he knew there was something else they needed to talk about. “Hey, do you really want to know about Lorelei?”
Her shoulders pulled back a little and a line appeared between her eyebrows. “Why? Do you want to talk about Lorelei?”
“I actually don’t, but I want to be honest with you. I want you to know that you can trust me.”
Her expression softened. “I know that,” she said, squeezing his hand. “And you know that Mashburn was… nothing, right? It was one night, it was nice, but it didn’t mean anything. And I never saw him again.”
“Yeah, I figured something like that. And it’s okay, it’s not like we were together back then. You’re bound to have a past, too. I know that.” He smirked at her playfully. “And I know you’re embarrassed about Mashburn because he is a rich man child with questionable morale and he’s got a new young-and-dumb girlfriend every other week and you don’t want to be associated with that, but you don’t need to worry. I know how amazing you are and I’m definitely no one to judge.”
He thought he saw her roll her eye before she looked down at their hands but when she met his eyes again she was smiling. “Why did you ask if you know everything already?”
“Ah,” he shrugged. “Curiosity. And I love it when you tell me things about yourself, I never know when you’ll surprise me.”
“Sweet talker. I know you. You wanted to distract me from asking about Lorelei. Why? I know you’ve been married, you told me about Erica, I’ve seen you flirt with half a dozen killers just to solve a case. Erica puts me off, but I’m not jealous, I promise –“ He cut her off with a kiss.
“I don’t think you are,” he said, playing with a strand of her hair, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “It’s not about you, really. It’s just – Lorelei… There are a lot of things I’m not exactly proud of.”
“How do you mean? I mean I can think of a few things, but…”
“That, for one. I know I hurt you a lot back then and I am very sorry about that, Teresa. I know I was a terrible partner, terrible to be around; I know I broke your trust and I know I never really deserved your forgiveness.”
He felt genuinely miserable. He always knew that she was too good for him, that he didn’t deserve her but selfishly, he loved her anyway and he had the damn luck that, miraculously, she wanted to be with him, too. And he would not pass that chance up and he would try very hard to be as good for her as he could, as she deserved. Even if that meant showing her the last few messy parts of him that she didn’t already know. (Even if that terrified him.)
She sighed and gently tipped his chin up to look at her. “Well, you have it anyway.” He could see that she liked thinking about that time as little as he did, but maybe she, too, thought that there were some things she needed resolved. “What’s the other thing?”
He wanted to lie to her. He wanted to make something up that was believably unpleasant but that he knew she would just connive at. He didn’t want to tell her all the horrible things that he spent a few weeks on his island obsessing about without ever finding any definite closure. He could feel the tremor in his hands and the quickening of his heart rate. He recognized the rising panic of telling her something that might turn her away from him. It had never been a problem before, since when they met, he hadn’t had it in him to care about anything or anyone, not even his own life. He had told her he was trouble, he was a fraud, that she would regret having him in her life. And by the time that they’d grown so close that he actually cared about what she thought of him, she’d already seen all the worst parts of him.
She’d stayed anyway. He tried to remind himself of that. She knew him but she was still here. He’d given her a thousand reasons to walk away but she’d stayed. He didn’t know how he ever got so lucky, but he had to remind himself that she’d always stayed. And she deserved better than her boyfriend lying to her.
He shifted on the bed pulling his legs up and folding them beneath him to angle his body towards her. Then he took her hand again not bearing to lose the physical connection.
“I’ve thought a lot about that time, later on. Even during that time I knew that the things I did were more… drastic than anything I’d done before. But it seemed to work. I was closer to catching Red John than ever before and somehow that was all that mattered. I didn’t stop to think if it was dangerous or not, if it was right or healthy or acceptable. Not even for myself. That came later.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I guess, I had a bad feeling about it, sometimes, but I pushed it away. I suspected Lorelei was working for Red John before I slept with her – which was only one time in Vegas, by the way, despite popular belief. It was precisely why I slept with her. Of course, I could’ve been wrong and she could’ve just been some waitress looking for a fling but I accepted that risk. I will grant myself the dignity and say that it wasn’t how I’d wanted to go about it, but I did as soon as I realized that was where the situation was headed. The next morning, she told me that night was a – a gift from Red John and that I could hurt her if I wanted.”
He saw Lisbon flinch at that and was quick to add: “I didn’t, of course.”
She nodded, signaling him to continue.
“Back then I didn’t have any interest in having sex with anyone. Not only because it would’ve always felt like betraying Angela but also because I know there’s a big difference between sleeping with someone and sleeping with someone you love and I was – am – just not interested in sleeping with someone I don’t love. To me it was always a means to catching Red John, not very different than any other trap. The thing is… what I only thought about later… it was different from other traps. Lorelei, for all that she was working with Red John, she was still… a woman. I knew that people working for Red John were vulnerable and Red John had ordered her to sleep with me and he’d ordered her to let me hurt her, if I wished. I didn’t think about it, because everything she did, she seemed to do willingly, but now I can’t help wondering… how I can call that consensual.”
He paused, fiddling with her hand as much as his own. When he dared to look at her, she seemed to be thinking. Maybe he should’ve just let her process everything, but he couldn’t bear the silence.
“I – I mean, they always warn you when you’re chasing a monster not to become one yourself and I know I did a lot of horrible things and I’m not proud of that, but this is – it’s different. I used her just like Red John used her and I don’t know if that makes me a monster.” He whispered that last part, he was running out of words and the fact that she still hadn’t said anything made his chest tighten even more.
He held his breath waiting for her to say something, anything. And if she decided he was a monster, he would just continue holding it forever.
“I didn’t know you were thinking about all of this,” she said finally. She didn’t pull back her hand, in fact she raised her other hand to brush his cheek and he audibly let out the breath he was holding.
“I try not to think about it.”
She nodded, looking him in the eyes. “I know you, Jane. You are not a monster. And hearing all this I’m not even sure you were not just as affected as her.”
“Maybe.”
“Listen, you said you weren’t that enthusiastic about having sex with her. But you still did it willingly, right?” He nodded. “Let’s say she wasn’t that into it either. If you’re completely honest with yourself, at any point, do you think she was uncomfortable?”
“No, not that I’d noticed! If I thought that, I wouldn’t have –“
“I know. So, do you think it was bad for her? Was it bad for you?”
He hesitated. She rolled her eyes and a smile tugged on her lips. “That’s not a trick question.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Okay, so basically, you both made the conscious decision to have sex. For whatever reason. Were those reasons good or healthy? Debatable, but that doesn’t change the fact that you both did it willingly and you were both honestly under the impression that the other wanted it. That’s consensual in my book.”
He sighed but his heart rate had slowed and warmth spread in his chest at the fact that she was still sitting with him, holding his hand. He really didn’t deserve her.
“I’m sorry, I really didn’t want you to have to make a case that me sleeping with Lorelei wasn’t a bad idea.”
She held up a finger. “Ah, I didn’t say it wasn’t a bad idea. I said it doesn’t sound non-consensual and that you’re not a bad man. I do think it was a terrible idea, but what’s done is done.”
He smiled at her. “You’re right. And for the sake of completeness: We kissed a few times after that. When she broke out of prison and when she shot Lennon.”
“You mean when you broke her out of prison?”
“Yeah, that. There, now you know all my, uh, romantic encounters of the past 12 years.”
“And what about that flirt with Fischer on your island?”
His pulse quickened but when he saw her grin, he knew she was teasing. Good.
“That really was nothing.”
“Don’t bother, I know everything from Fischer, already.”
“You were talking with Fischer about me? Interesting.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, she was complaining about you."
He chuckled. “That’s okay. I only care about you anyway.”
She leaned in and kissed him slowly. “I mean it,” he said when he pulled back. “I love you, Teresa. You’re the only one, who matters to me.”
“Now, that’s what a girl wants to hear.”
A wide grin stretched out on his face and he pulled her in for another deep kiss. He basked in the feeling of her trailing kisses down his jaw and his neck and her fingers slowly working on the buttons of his shirt, until the last functional part of his brain remembered why he had started the conversation in the first place. He shifted a little and gently held her arms. She stopped kissing him, which he deeply regretted, and looked at his face.
“You okay?”
“Oh yes, just one last thing.”
She narrowed her eye at him. “What is it?”
He gently ran his fingers up and down her spine under the satiny fabric of her shirt. “Nothing bad. I was just thinking that, since Erica doesn’t seem to be in favor of our relationship, we could use that to catch her trying to steal Nemic’s money and disappear.”
“I know she isn’t in favor of us being together but – did something happen tonight?”
“She was flirting with me, I guess. Nothing big, but… I think a small “fight” between us might encourage her to lower her guard.”
“You’re talking about a con.”
“Just a tiny one.”
She pretended to be thinking about it. “Mh, okay. I think she belongs in prison, anyway.”
“Excellent.” He pulled her close again, encouraging her to straddle him, while he placed small kisses along her shoulder and her collarbone. When she tugged at his hair, he met her eyes again.
“You were really worried that Erica could tell me something that would make me doubt you.”
He took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to give you any reason to doubt me. I want you to know that you can trust me.”
She smiled at him and put her hands on his cheeks. “I do. I trust you, Patrick. With everything, but especially with this. I know you have many flaws but being unfaithful is not one of them.”
“That is true. I promise I’m working on the other ones,” he murmured against her lips.
“I know that. Now, are we done talking? Because I’ve never had sex in Lebanon and this is our last night here.”
“Oh yeah, can’t miss a chance like that.”
He had planned on worshipping her. Showing her exactly the difference between making love and having sex with a stranger, showing her exactly that she didn’t have to worry for one second about any other woman - dead or alive. But her touch still felt so gloriously new and wonderful that he was overwhelmed with it and in the end, he wasn’t sure she hadn’t made him feel even more loved.