Chapter Text
The luxuriant, fragrant smell of roasted duck filled Luo Biming’s kitchen as he furiously stirred the wine sauce he needed to add once the duck was done cooking. With practiced ease he would whisk with one hand while scrolling down his phone with the other. He was reading the final update of the so-called “Most Popular Webnovel of the Year”—though it's popularity really just proved people's trash tastes rather than marked it as a work of Fine ArtTM—Proud Immortal’s Righteous Way.
Luo Biming had been following the novel since it’s very first chapter, which seemed like a lifetime ago (really just three years). It was a massive epic spanning thousands of chapters which updated daily with 10,000-word chapters from day one and never missed a day—not even holidays. That alone set it up to be a complete pile of garbage word salad. Most of it was just poorly written half-censored papapa scenes that dragged the plot out with new unbearably vapid romances occurring once a week. At this point the protagonist Luo Binghe—with whom Luo Biming unfortunately shared a name—had a harem reaching well into the triple digits. And each woman was somehow worse than the last.
Since the novel was always updating, it was always at the top of the homepage and thus became a stable part of the website's landscape. Everyone knew about Proud Immortal's Righteous Way and almost everyone had read at least one chapter. Still, even though the novel was considered the most popular one by mere numbers, it wasn't necessarily the most loved.
There were whole divisions of fans who often clashed in comment sections. There were some people who genuinely loved the plot, some who hate-read it, some who were just passively interested in this anomaly of human endurance (even joking the author was just a word generating bot), those who read it for the girls, and the fujoshis. Luo Biming was firmly in the second camp.
There was, in fact, hints of a proper plot to this shitshow which would pop up every now and then, but Luo Biming would have to come by every day skimming through these atrocious papapa scenes to find them. And even then the plot was mostly just a barely threaded together mess with plot holes that could devour the sun. But the ideas behind the plot were actually pretty cool at times, and the first third of the novel is widely regarded as being "decent"—Luo Biming would personally rate it as being a solid 7/10.
Proud Immortal’s Righteous Way was supposed to be a touching tale about a man cutting a path for himself in an unfair world while fighting demons and getting the girl(s) of his dream. As was popular he collected a whole armory of golden finger bullshit weapons that he summoned to quickly deal with any and all problems. Which was So. Fucking. Boring! Where’s the tension in that huh shitty author?!
So why, through all this, was Luo Biming still here, years later, dedicatedly reading and commenting (tearing apart) each chapter? Because Luo Biming had fallen in too deep into this shit and invest too much time in the early chapters because of a crush. He’d never admit it, not even staring dead ahead at his figures and poster collection (or even while clutching his newly acquired body pillow).
Luo Biming maybe, just maybe, had a tiny infatuation with one Shen Yuan—lovingly called Shixiong by the fans. Well, he had an infatuation until his favorite character was mercilessly killed off after one shitty fight. Even if he was supposed to be a cannon fodder villain to build up the Big Boss at least let him die with dignity Author! Luo Biming was sure to leave a whole essay—or three—on why he was pissed about this worthless development.
Backtracking a bit for clarity, Luo Binghe was actually the son of the much-admired sect leader of Heavenly Immortal’s Mountain Sect—Tianlang-Jun. However, to be fair to all his disciples, Tianlang-Jun had made Luo Binghe enter the sect as a normal disciple and rise up from there. Except this only made Luo Binghe vulnerable to the jealous schemes of his fellow disciples. Thus, poor Luo Binghe was bullied every day while his father and mother didn’t raise a hand to help, more often than not they weren’t even around to know what was going on.
Luckily, Luo Binghe was fortunate enough to meet a kind Shixiong who was very soft and gentle, guiding Luo Binghe on his way to greatness and encouraging him in his times of need. This Shixiong was Shen Yuan, a hard-working disciple who suffered the unfortunate infliction called not-being-the-protagonist. Despite Shen Yuan's sweet nature and boundless efforts, once Luo Binghe was given a proper cultivation manual he was surpassed by the protagonist in three weeks when he had been training for nearly seven years.
Of course, on the outside, Shen Yuan was still very loving to the protagonist, but he actually harbored a dark secret. Though Shen Yuan was unaware (which by the way author, how the fuck?) he was actually a demon and thus was largely incompatible with righteous cultivation methods. This meant that no matter how hard he tried he was doomed to fail from the start. Very sad, very sad.
One day, when Shen Yuan was on a solo mission down the mountain, he met a fatally injured demon named Meng Mo. This demon promised to reveal a way for Shen Yuan to burst through his cultivation bottleneck and exceed even the heavens so long as Shen Yuan sheltered the demon in his body. Maybe because he was supposed to be naively sweet and caring, Shen Yuan actually agreed and set about gathering the materials he needed for the array. This secret method was actually a demonic ritual where one would drain the lifeforce of their victim and convert this to Qi. Though despised by the righteous sects it was actually a very common method for demons.
Shen Yuan easily lured the trusting little Luo Binghe into his trap and attacked. Naturally, the protagonist can't die so Luo Binghe figured out something was wrong at just the right time and he escaped the array with only some damage to his meridians—which honestly didn't mean anything after a brief papapa session with wife number 5.
No one would believe the adoring Shen Yuan would try to murder Luo Binghe so this failed attempt was swept away. Still, poor little Binghe was devastated and furious, vowing to pay his villainous Shixiong back a thousandfold. At this point, it should have been clear to anyone with more than half a brain that Shen Yuan was more than just a passing rival. Too bad the author was just a mindless bot churning out nonsense.
After this betrayal, there was a cliche as hell training montage where Luo Binghe fought off all the smaller rivals, got a little collection of (obviously far inferior) followers, and began his collection of the finest beauties his sect had to offer. Shen Yuan was nothing more than a background prop at this point who might as well have had a sign that said "Just wait! I'll be important later!", but whatever, it was fine. There was finally something to look forward to. Luo Biming was genuinely shocked by the betrayal and was looking forward to many close battles between the two sides. Luo Biming even theorized that Shen Yuan was the Big Boss. How naive.
Then, during the Immortal Alliance Conference, the Endless Abyss suddenly opened up, wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting disciples. Shen Yuan was finally given an excuse to kill Luo Binghe and easily cover up the deed so he lured Luo Binghe away to a secluded spot. The two fought and the writing was decent. Some exciting moments here and there. Just as Luo Binghe was about to avenge himself and stabbed through the heart of his evil Shixiong a rift was torn through the ground, and out came the demon realm's prince consort, Shen Qingqiu!
At the sight of Luo Binghe stabbing Shen Yuan, Shen Qingqiu unleashed his full powers. If not for Luo Binghe's until then irrelevant meek Shifu, Zhuzhi-lang defending Luo Binghe with his life, then Luo Binghe would be nothing but ashes. Thus the best character in the novel died, the demons were beaten back, and Luo Binghe was one of only a fraction of survivors. Very sad, very sad.
The first part had its flaws, but it was serviceable as some mindless fun with good points balancing out the bad. Shixiong was a favorite and his death sent half the fandom into mourning, leaving him to only live on in friends-to-enemy-to-lover doujinshis. It’s in the second half where things began to fall apart. Moving on, Tianlang-Jun decides he wants to retire and travel the world with his lovely Su Xiyan (though he was only in the sect for two days out of every decade anyway, already living his "retirement" dream out unofficially) leaving the now established Luo Binghe as sect leader.
Thus started an endless repetition of wife-plot arcs with no meaning and no hint of tension. Sure there wasn't much tension in the start for any plot outside of the Shen Yuan betrayal, but this was another level. Luo Biming started to think there was some credence to the word generator bot idea because that was the only way to describe this mindless mess of nothingness.
Eventually Shen Qingqiu and his husband, Yue Qingyuan untied the demon realm and had enough strength to fully wage war on the righteous sects. For what? Good question, Luo Biming would like to know too! This started the longest section of the novel where people died like flies on a hot day. Every chapter had at least four or five deaths, both major and minor characters having death scenes that were somehow too lengthy and yet not long enough.
Eventually (by which Luo Biming means a year later in real-time), Shen Qingqiu is caught by Luo Binghe and brutally tortured (probably for killing about a hundred of Luo Binghe’s wives but Luo Biming had lost count and really didn’t even remember the wives names anyways so who cares). Luo Binghe ended up ripping off Shen Qingqiu's limbs and sending them to the demon realm’s Emperor who came rushing over in a last-ditch attempt to save his husband's life. And so, Luo Binghe shot ten thousand arrows into the Emperor’s body, winning the war.
But of course, the novel didn’t end there. It dragged on and on until they got to this point. Luo Binghe living with a (slightly reduced) harem he obviously didn’t care for as he spent his days miserable about the loss of his once dear Shixiong, the first person to show him love. Honestly, it was just depressing.
And now, in this final update, two hundred harem bullshit plots and at least three hundred awful papapa scenes later, Luo Binghe was on his throne thinking about his miserable life. And That. Was. It! Literally the last lines on the page, no matter how often Luo Biming updated, were just this depressing monologue.
What was the point of all this shit then? What about all the unanswered questions Luo Biming had? What was the point of building Shen Yuan up so much if he was just going to die after one big fight only to be randomly replaced by Shen Qingqiu? What was the relationship between the demon prince consort and Shen Yuan? How did Shen Yuan not know he was a demon until he was in his late teens?
“You damn disgrace of an author! Shitty scammer!”
As Luo Biming was writing out his final ranting review, he was so engrossed in his phone he didn’t notice the bitter smell of smoke. Without much of a warning, Luo Biming’s stove suddenly short-circuited, exploding in a ball of fire. With a sharp blast of heat, Luo Biming, age eighteen, culinary apprentice, died.
*
System 79: Active.
Protocol: [You damn disgrace of an author! Shitty Scammer!] Activated.
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