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It was a Thursday afternoon when it dawned on Yuki just what had felt off in his life the last few months. He was sitting in the apartment he shared with Machi and sorting through the syllabi he received from all of his classes earlier. His phone vibrated and when he saw that it was just an email, he felt a small pang of disappointment bloom in his chest. The sudden emotion confused him at first, because why would he be disappointed it wasn’t Machi. She had left hours ago and it wasn’t like him to anxiously await her texts. It was when his name crept into the forefront of his mind that he realized just who he had been hoping would message. Yuki was no stranger to burying his emotions to a point they became truly unrecognizable, nor was he a stranger to letting them consume him so much so he couldn’t differentiate them. No matter where his emotions were, he always felt it best to ignore them, and show only what he thought others wanted to see of him. Even with Machi, it took him the first year of their relationship to truly be comfortable with being himself in front of her. Years of being conditioned to hide the disgusting aspects of himself for his own safety, was not a trait so easily unlearned. Yuki groaned out loud and fell back into the couch, covering his face with his hands.
“Fucking idiot,” he grumbled to himself. He had known something was changing within him, he just hadn’t been able to pinpoint it. No, that was a lie, he knew exactly what it was. Had known for some time now, he was just choosing to bury it. His life was complication free. The curse had been lifted, he was genuinely very happy with Machi and his classes. They were no longer dating, hadn’t been for a few months now. It was a very amicable split, both of them coming to a realization that the romantic spark wasn’t there for them. In fact, Machi had stated she thought she wanted to try dating women and Yuki was fully supportive. Yuki on the other hand had started to think maybe he wasn’t attracted to anyone and trying to figure out what that meant for him wasn’t something he had wanted to focus on. He had started to settle into the idea that he was finally free; could actually be himself. The breakup with Machi had already cracked that resolve slightly. Throwing some kind of sexuality crisis into the mix would only break his resolve further. Why wouldn’t it just go away? Why was what he had currently not enough to keep the shadows from creeping into him. Yuki dug his palms into his eye sockets, causing pressure behind his eyes as some sort of self-inflicted punishment. Of course, it wasn’t enough for him. Ever greedy Prince Yuki, free, with a good life and still not satisfied. He mentally berated himself. Always wanting more than you deserve and moping inside when you can’t have it. Reluctantly he pulled his hands from his face to stare up at the ceiling. The sudden light blinded him briefly and Yuki relished in the feeling of the pressure releasing from behind his eyes. This was all his fault. With his smile that derailed Yuki’s thoughts and annoying nicknames that made Yuki’s stomach do flips. The way he would casually drape his head on Yuki’s shoulder and mumble complaints into his jacket. Maybe it was his ability to always accept all that Yuki was no matter the situation that really was to blame for whatever was happening to Yuki. No matter what it was, Yuki detested that he rooted in Yuki’s heart and refused to leave. He was happier being attracted to no one than to be attracted to the one person who could ruin his life. Yuki shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut as to rid the man from his mind. His thoughts turned to Machi instead and how she had been home a lot less frequently since the split. He missed her company. She was his best friend and lately all the free time with his thoughts had become more of a burden than a reprieve. He couldn’t be upset with her for it; she had in fact invited him out several times but he always declined. Crowded places full of people he didn’t know never sounded like a good time to Yuki. Maybe it was residual fear of being touched because of the curse; maybe it was because crowds always felt sticky and left a nausea pit in his stomach. Maybe it was both.
His thoughts ceased when his phone buzzed again. Yuki peeked down to see this time it was a message, from the one person he unfortunately wanted to hear from. He quelled the anxiety in his chest and reached for the cell phone on the table.
“Yoooo, Yun-Yun! <3 You home? I have a j and thought about stopping by!” Yuki scoffed and before he could reply there was another message.
“Well, too late, I am here! Be up in a minute:p”
Yuki’s heart rate quickened and he frantically tried to settle himself. Everything was fine, he had come over a million times and Yuki had been subject to his overly close nature with the revelation he was toying with at hand on too many occasions. However, Machi and he had decided that telling her brother about their new relationship status could be put off. Indefinitely. Yuki had wanted to keep him in the dark due to his own personal confusing feelings and Machi. Well, Machi had just not wanted to have to explain her potential new found interest to her brother. The doorbell buzzed obnoxiously, jolting Yuki into a standing position. He could do this; it would be fine. They had talked plenty of times since the break up and Yuki hadn’t slipped up. All those times he had Machi there to rely on if he stumbled but it would be fine. He walked over to the door and smoothed his sweater out. It was too big on him already, as was Yuki’s style these days, and smoothing it did nothing but it settled Yuki enough to open the door and face the brown-haired man before him.
“Kakeru. Impatient as ever I see.” Yuki spoke flatly, crushing his feelings behind his typical façade. Kakeru just grinned at the curt greeting and pushed past Yuki, kicking his shoes off as he did.
“It’s good to see you too Yun Yun!” He laughed as he dropped his bag. Turning back to the silver haired man before him, he untucked a joint from behind his ear. “This shit is just too good not to share, and I was near your place.” He seemed to shift in place nervously for a moment before making his way to the couch and propping his feet up on the coffee table. “Besides man, I know you can always use some chill time.”
“I ‘chill’ plenty,” Yuki retorted as he made his way to sit on the couch next to Kakeru. He purposely kept a large gap between them. His nerves were still firing off and he was having a hard time not letting it show. Kakeru would show up when he was least desired. Yuki drew his knees to his chest and propped his chin atop them. Wrapping his arms around his legs he attempted to make himself as small as possible. Kakeru fiddled with joint for a moment as if debating saying something. He ultimately shook his head slightly and pulled his lighter from his pocket. He sparked the joint and started to take a small drag before suddenly stopping.
“Machi won’t mind if we light up here, will she?” Kakeru asked, joint hanging just slightly between his lips. Yuki shook his head as he tried to fight the urge to keep staring at where the joint connected to Kakeru himself.
“I just have to light some incense after is all, she doesn’t mind it you know. She just doesn’t smoke herself.” Yuki’s voice felt wrong in his throat as he spoke. If he did not get his anxiety under control he would be subject to a line of Kakeru style questions that he wouldn’t know how to answer. Kakeru puffed the joint back to life before taking a long drag off of it. He pulled the it from his mouth coughing slightly and passed it to Yuki. He could feel where it was slightly damp from Kakeru’s lips and hurriedly pushed the thought aside.
“I just don’t want to piss her off, she can be so temperamental with me sometimes still.” Kakeru stretched his arms and folded them behind his head, turning to look at Yuki with curiosity. “Did you know she stopped by my place a couple of weeks ago? Said she was in the area but it was like 10 at night.” Yuki didn’t know this and couldn’t voice so as he was currently inhaling the joint in hopes his nerves would lessen. Kakeru wasn’t really looking for a response anyway as he prattled on. “She, uh, she didn’t seem to good but she wouldn’t talk about it. Just kept saying she wanted to see her brother all defensive like.” Kakeru reached over to take the joint from Yuki and pressed it back to his own lips.
“I… didn’t know she had come to see you.” Yuki answered honestly. Even when they were together, he was never Machi’s keeper. Still it felt weird that she wouldn’t have mentioned seeing him to Yuki at all. “Uh, she never mentioned it.” The nervous lilt in his voice was lessening as he slowly started to feel the sedated calm wash over him. He was by no means stoned yet but he was well on his way. “Did she mention anything else?” Kakeru was toying with the end of the joint as he turned to look at Yuki, puzzled.
“Was there something she should have mentioned?” Kakeru narrowed his eyes at Yuki as he passed the joint back to him. Where their fingers brushed Yuki could have sworn he felt sparks, causing him to pull back uncharacteristically quick. Yuki chuckled nervously.
“No, not that I know of, I was just curious is all.” Yuki took an aggressive hit and passed it back to Kakeru as he coughed. He hadn’t meant to hit it that hard being the light weight he was. He had just wanted to stop talking before he said something stupid. Kakeru had always been able to get Yuki’s defenses down without even trying.
“Dude! Why the fuck did you do that! You’re asthmatic ass cannot handle that!” Kakeru put the joint into the mostly unused ashtray on the table and stood up. “Let me get you some water man. “ Before Yuki could protest he was bounding to the small kitchen on the other side of the living room. Yuki was hardly coughing anymore but he knew Kakeru would make him drink the water regardless. He returned with a small glass and Yuki took a few sips before sitting it on the table. He leaned back against the couch and let the pleasant wave of numbness take him. He closed his eyes before speaking.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hit it that hard, but you weren’t kidding. This is some pretty great stuff.” Yuki retorted, hoping it would distract away from the previous conversation. He felt weight press into his side slightly and peeked over to be met by Kakeru’s eyes directly on him. “What do you not agree now or something?” Yuki snorted, closing his eyes back. He heard Kakeru sigh and braced himself for what could come tumbling out of the man’s mouth next.
“Yuki, did you and Machi really break up? And if so why won’t you talk to me about it?” Kakeru’s voice was filled with what sounded like hurt and Yuki snapped his head up to look at him. Machi had told Kakeru and not even mentioned it to him. It was the first time he had ever felt betrayed by Machi. Yuki just stared at Kakeru in shock, mouth slightly agape, his high brain attempting to process the situation at hand.
“Uhm, I, uh, don’t know what you mean...” it was a terribly lie that would only do more harm than good but Yuki couldn’t stop the words from spilling out. Why was he so worried about Kakeru finding out? It’s not like it was a nasty break up, he wouldn’t be picking Machi over Yuki. They still lived together. The hurt that flashed across Kakeru’s face was not something Yuki would soon forget.
“Why won’t you just tell me? I thought we were friends, I thought we were best friends Yun Yun, I just don’t understand why you won’t tell me about this.” Kakeru was getting a bit worked up as he talked the hurt and desperation seeping into his words. “Machi told me it was amicable, told me that she, well, she thinks she’s a lesbian and I’m totally cool with that! I mean I’m bi so if it’s a thing about who you may be into, I won’t judge you.” He was rambling, something Kakeru did when he got nervous or uncomfortable. Yuki watched as the man before him struggled to find the words he wanted to say and he couldn’t fight the laugh that bubbled in his throat. Kakeru glared at him. “Don’t laugh at me! I am serious! Now is not the time for laughter Yun Yun!” Kakeru suddenly grabbed Yuki’s shoulders, locking eyes with silver haired man. If you asked Yuki, with his brain smoothed over, he would have said that time stopped. Kakeru had never looked at Yuki with such intensity before and it was overwhelming.
“I didn’t know you were bi.” were the only words that Yuki muster under Kakeru’s stare. He knew that wasn’t what he should have said but it was the only thing sticking in his mind. Did that mean that one day Yuki had a chance at something that felt unobtainable? Kakeru’s deep, roaring laughter filled Yuki’s senses and snapped him back to reality.
“All of that and that is what stuck out? High Yuki still stands to be far weirder than sober Yuki, that is for sure!” Kakeru kept giggling and let go of Yuki’s shoulders, turning to grab the forgotten joint and light it once more. He took a small drag off of it and exhaled the smoke right at Yuki. “Yes, princess, I am bisexual, just never thought it relevant to share really.” Kakeru held the joint between his fingers watching the smoke rise, then took another puff before offering it to Yuki. He scoffed at the nickname and raised his hands in protest. His brain was smooth enough for the conversation at hand.
“I am sorry I didn’t tell you about Machi and me.” Yuki spoke up as Kakeru moved to put the joint out. “We had both agreed to keep it a secret for the time being, and I guess I was fine with letting the charade play out for a while longer. I-I don’t know why...” the last part came out quietly. Yuki knew why he didn’t want Kakeru to know, but he wasn’t ready to have all of his secrets out in the open today. One was enough. Kakeru placed his hand on Yuki’s knee and turned to face him.
“I shouldn’t have blindsided you about it. I’m sorry, I should know better than to force something out of you by this point. I just couldn’t stop thinking of reasons why you wouldn’t tell me. Why Machi was the first one to break, I-” Kakeru stopped and moved away under the guise of stretching suddenly. “I was just being dumb, ya know, the usual. What’s important here, is that you and Machi are happy. If that’s the case then I am happy.” Yuki could feel that there was more the brunette wanted to say but didn’t. A part of Yuki was happy that Kakeru was withholding something too. Something about it made him feel an odd sense of solidarity with him.
“We are happy, I- I am happy, I think,” Yuki mused. He leaned back against the couch staring at the ceiling like before. This time though he felt lighter, and not just from the weed. “Thank you for stopping by, even if you were uninvited.” He laughed lightly when he spoke. Kakeru audibly rolled his eyes before wrapping Yuki in a side hug.
“Of course! What else are friends for if not to show up unannounced and annoy you!” Kakeru bellowed as squeezed Yuki far too tightly. “And don’t worry Yun Yun, I have already forgiven you for keeping this all a secret from me! After all it only happened a couple of weeks ago.”
“Kakeru, let go of me right now.” Yuki seethed as he shoved the other man off of him. It took him a moment to register just what Kakeru had said. “Uh, did Machi say it was just a couple of weeks ago?” he nervously chuckled as he spoke. Kakeru’s face turned downward in exaggerated sadness.
“Yuki, you have to tell me right now how long has it been since you two split!?” Kakeru was crossing his arms and huffing dramatically. Yuki sighed and shook his head. It’s best to just rip the band aid off, right?
“It might have been a couple of weeks, or maybe more like three months now.” Yuki sheepishly replied.
“HOW COULD YOU KEEP THIS FROM ME FOR THREE MONTHS, YUN YUN I AM JUST DEVASTED!!” Kakeru shook Yuki obnoxiously and instead of being upset Yuki just let it happen for a moment. It felt like a weight had lifted off his chest just slightly. Kakeru let up and slouched into the couch, feigning dejection. “It’s fine. At least I know now.” He pouted.
“Ever the dramatic, look the next time something big happens, you will be the first to know.” Yuki rolled his eyes at his childish friend but it wasn’t a lie. “Now, let’s finish this and order take out? I still have some school stuff to sort through but you are welcome to stay for a little while.” He knew he would regret the offer the moment it left his mouth. Kakeru’s eyes lit up as he enthusiastically began to throw out food suggestions and relight the half joint.
Someday Yuki would tell him. Tell him everything. About the curse, about why he kept this hidden, about his feelings. Today, however, was not that day. Today Yuki was just happy to have a bit of weight lifted from him and to bask in the glow of all that was Kakeru. Today he was content to just be like this. All the other questions he still had for himself and fears of what the answers would mean could wait until some far-off tomorrow. Kakeru pulled him from his thoughts with a shoulder nudge and extended the joint to him. Yuki took the man in for a moment before taking him up on the offer. Yeah, he could deal with all the stuff tomorrow, he wanted to enjoy this right now.