Chapter Text
It had been months since they’d last spoken. Eight months and twelve days since Mare had cracked the case, shattering Lori’s heart and her own in the process. Two hundred and fifty-five days since she’d lost her best friend. The numbers bounced in her mind constantly, an unwelcome reminder of her role in Lori’s pain.
The ignored calls and texts stung. It seemed that, no matter how hard she tried, it would never be enough for Lori to forgive her. Mare couldn’t blame her, at all. She’d taken Ryan away. Lori lost her son. Mare knew better than anyone how that kind of pain broke someone’s spirit and left them feeling an empty, hollow shell of who they were. She’d experienced it first hand when Kevin had died.
But she’d had Lori.
Lori, the only reason she hadn’t completely imploded with her grief. Lori, who sat next to her in the hospital’s waiting room, even if she already knew there was no hope. Lori, who’d made sure Siobhan was fed and taken care of while Mare refused to get out of her bedroom. Lori, who’d made her shower and change from her dirty clothes to later brush and braid Mare’s still blonde hair. Lori, who helped her file the divorce papers when it became clear her marriage to Frank wouldn’t recover. Lori, who’d just hold her without complaints while Mare shook and wept uncontrollably in her arms over the unfairness of it all.
Having Lori was what kept her going. How could she let Lori deal with her grief alone?
Of course, Mare had done her best to help, even from afar. She’d sent Dawn and Bethy to visit Lori, to help her out with Moira and DJ, and kept that up for as long as she could before Lori asked them to stop. Mare often called one of the officers she knew at the Juvenile’s Detention Center to make sure Ryan was doing okay.
But it didn’t feel like she was helping enough. Mare missed her best friend. Even if the other aspects of her life, her job, Drew, Siobhan, her mother, it all was finally back on track, the absence of Lori and the knowledge of her suffering loomed over her. The only thing she wanted was for Lori to be okay, even if she wasn’t welcomed back into the brunette’s life.
“I feel like you’d know what to do.” Mare sighed, her fingertips touching the name carved in the headstone. She’d taken to visit Colin’s grave at least every couple of weeks, to leave new flowers every time and talk. She liked thinking Colin could hear her, from wherever he was, that he still watched out for her, just like used to do.
“I just...don’t think I could stand it if Lori pushed me away again.” She continued. “But I hate thinking she’s trying to deal with this fucking mess by herself.”
Her thoughts went back to Lori. How she’d refused to let Mare push her away, no matter what. How she hadn’t given up on her not caring how difficult Mare was to deal with, how hard she pushed everyone far from her.
The very least Mare could do was return the favor. After all, what else could she lose by trying? If Lori was going to keep hating her, then surely things between them couldn’t worsen if she tried to contact her, right?
Fuck, she wouldn’t give up on Lori. The more she pushed, the more Mare would try to return to her side, where she belonged. The safest place she knew, her true home.
“I have to go. I can still fix things.” Mare spoke, touching the top of the headstone. “I’ll see you soon, Zabel. Thank you.” She placed the bouquet of white flowers on besides his name before turning around and walking back to her car.
Eight months was more than long enough. She needed to see Lori, as soon as possible.
Mare was nervous, her hands sweaty and her stomach feeling like it was in a knot. She drove slowly, slower than she usually would, attemping to come up with words she could use to express her guilt, to apologize yet again.
She got out of the car, taking a deep breath to regain her courage before walking up to the door and knocking. Moira opened the door, and guided Mare to the living room.
Words couldn’t express the rush of emotions that flooded Mare’s body at being in Lori’s presence again. The brunette looked up at her, and through their interlocked gazes, Mare felt herself start to tear up.
It was the first time in a while that the tears in her eyes related to Lori were of relief.
Lori weakly stood up, making her way into the kitchen and avoiding her eyes. She trembled, and Mare followed, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
When Lori collapsed against her, crying, and making them both fall to the floor, Mare squeezed her tight, kissing her best friend’s hair. It would all be fine. They were together again. Mare would help Lori through her grief. She would get her best friend back, would work every single day to ensure Lori would be fine, to be her rock and support as she’d been hers since they were four years old, and started their life-long friendship on the school’s playground by just holding hands at recess.
They would heal, and they would do it together.
“I’m here.” Mare whispered, finally able to breathe freely again.