Chapter Text
Chan doesn’t remember going to sleep and he doesn’t remember waking up.
That’s how it usually goes, that’s normal. He wakes up, remembers who he is, goes about his day. He doesn’t like sleeping, but he always wakes up.
He doesn’t go to sleep this time, but he still wakes up.
One moment there’s nothing, only the cozy blankness of sleep, like he doesn’t even exist- then his heart is pounding, reverberating through his ribcage, his skull, transforming into a dull pain in his temples. His mouth feels bone dry, tongue sticking to his teeth. The room pulses with a tacky darkness, silent. There are goosebumps on Chan’s arms, but he’s too hot, sweating.
He’s awake.
Why-? It’s so quiet, so still. His hair is stuck to his forehead in sweaty clumps, why is it so hot? Chan can’t remember last night, when did he get to bed? Did he even sleep? He recalls the blurry laptop screen, the aching behind his eyes- the table was so cool and comfortable under his cheek, maybe he just closed his eyes for a few seconds… did someone carry him to bed? But-
“Baby?”
Arms around his waist, almost restricting his breathing, lips touching the back of his neck, warmth, sweat, too much skin-
“Felix?”
Chan doesn’t understand.
There’s something like static burrowing into his brain, slithering and squeezing against his skull from the inside; and why is the room so quiet? They’re alone, just him and Felix. There’s nothing between their bodies, Felix plastered too tightly to his back, molding into every curve of his spine. Chan loves cuddling but this isn’t how they would usually- he can’t remember anything between the cool blue light of his laptop and now. He doesn’t remember going to sleep naked.
Felix shifts, tucks his face deeper into Chan’s neck, wraps his leg around Chan’s. He’s scorching hot, sweaty, his fingers squeeze too hard, his nails are too sharp.
“Why are you awake? I didn’t tire you out enough?” He moves even closer, lips wet on the shell of Chan’s ear. Felix’s voice is deep with sleep, it’s normal, but the tone-
They didn’t really do anything together last night, did they? Nothing that would tire Chan out. Nothing that would explain the intimacy between them, the heat and wetness gluing his legs together, the casual way Felix’s dick rests against him. There’s a soft tenderness between his thighs, the slightest ache in his lower back. Like they-
It’s like Chan’s lungs are burning, shriveling up and disappearing inside his chest. He tries breathing in and out, in and out, but Felix’s fingers are a hot brand against his chest.
“Did we- what did we-?” Chan’s throat feels like he’s been screaming for hours. His teeth ache. His eyes burn. He tries to hide the naked panic in his voice, but he knows what his body’s telling him, he’s never- he isn’t stupid, he can imagine what he would feel like after getting fucked.
Felix sits up, the bed screaming in protest. For a split second his face looks strange and unrecognizable in the darkness, only shadows where his eyes should be. Then it goes back to a normal, worried expression. A shiver works its way down Chan’s spine leisurely. It feels like there’s something wrong. All the warmth leaves him together with Felix’s body. His muscles feel weighted down, unyielding.
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” There’s suddenly so much helplessness in his voice, the quality of it anxious and fragile- God, Chan already feels like a complete asshole. He’s always felt the need to take care of other people, and after the years spent together with his boys, his caretaker instincts run even deeper, into the very core of his soul. He’s hurting one of the people he loves, and the reason doesn’t matter. His muscles protest his every movement, but he still shifts a bit closer to Felix, engulfs his hands with his own.
“You didn’t hurt me, Lix. I just woke up feeling-“ terrified, panicking, naked, without any memory of us having sex, did we-? “-a bit disoriented. It’s like- I had a nightmare, maybe. I don’t remember going to sleep last night...?”
It would all make sense if he could just remember. He didn’t drink last night, did he? Chan tries so hard, but there’s nothing, less than nothing, water slipping through his fingers. His whole body feels like he’s sick, everything aches and shivers. He’s sweating but freezing at the same time. His mouth is sour with fear.
“You don’t remember coming to me?” He doesn’t, he really doesn’t. He should, right? The screen of his laptop, then nothing, nothing, nothing.
“And we went to sleep together?”
Felix moves closer, slowly, naked, and comfortable in front of him. Chan’s seen every one of his members naked, it’s not really possible to avoid it with their living situation, but this feels different. This skin is bared for him, the naked body, the tender smile, the gentle fingers on Chan’s jaw – Felix wants to calm him down, to comfort him.
It doesn’t work.
He doesn’t move away in time, their lips touch. Felix’s tongue lightly traces his teeth, and he doesn’t move away. Felix pecks his nose, smiles, brushes his fingers through Chan’s hair and he still doesn’t move. Just receives it all with nausea bubbling in his stomach. They last hugged three days ago. Now he knows what Felix’s mouth tastes like at night, in the dark.
“Well, not at first.” The tone is coy, flirting, laughing. He wants to make Chan feel better.
Felix’s hands are gentle as he moves them both to lay down, faces centimeters apart. His hand continues to be gentle between his legs, caressing the almost smooth skin, palming his soft dick, exploring where he’s uncomfortable and wet. It stings a bit, but Felix’s fingers slip into him almost too easily, making a home for themselves inside, breaking open something sacred. He doesn’t move but the feeling of them is still too much.
Chan is frozen.
Felix hums softly, pleased. Pleased about what? About the easy access to Chan’s body? About his cum probably still inside him? About the way he clenches down instinctually, still tight enough to fuck again? Chan would try to move away, maybe, but he’s frozen still, something heavy squeezing him down into the bed, sucking the energy out of him. He’s going to vomit all over them both if Felix continues. He’s going to pass out.
He doesn’t move. He can’t.
“Lix, I don’t want to-“
“Yeah, sorry, it’s just,” Felix pulls out his fingers, wipes them on the sheets, smiles sweetly at him. “you know how much I love it when you get desperate for me. It was so hot.”
Chan swallows the saliva that’s flooding his mouth. This is wrong somehow.
Was he desperate after falling asleep? It can’t have been more than a few hours since then, when did he have the time to go to Felix, wake him up, and, what, beg him to have sex? And he just agreed? Wouldn’t that conversation take some time? Even if he doesn’t remember, it still makes no sense. He didn’t want that from Felix last night, he still doesn’t. He doesn’t want the fingers tracing idle patterns on his waist, he doesn’t want the sweetness of Felix’s soft lips.
“I probably should’ve cleaned you up, though. We really made a mess. “ He gestures between Chan’s legs. They’re sticking together again, tacky and disgusting. Felix doesn’t look disgusted, though. His eyes are so dark and huge, gaze crawling up and down Chan’s naked skin. Chan hopes it doesn’t mean he wants to do it again. He wouldn’t, right? And if he does, what then?
Should he just get up and go somewhere? Take a shower, call for an ambulance and tell them he’s losing his mind? Tell them his best friend’s lost his mind?
His fingers shake when he reaches for his phone. It’s only a few minutes after four. That doesn’t make any sense. He knows that he worked till three, at least, then possibly fell asleep, even if he doesn’t remember that. He went to Felix, they decided to have sex, they fucked for ten minutes, then fell asleep for half an hour? That’s impossible, he can feel it his body. The preparation for what they did had to take a much longer time, and the sex itself- his whole lower half still hurts. Felix didn’t just bust after two minutes.
“Lix? Did we sleep for long?”
Felix opens his eyes. Chan can’t remember when they closed. Did he just grip his phone, frozen still, for minutes?
They’re still so close, breathing the same air, sharing the same pillow. Felix moves a bit nearer, tugs the blanket higher over them both. Chan almost forgot he was cold. This wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t naked, if Felix’s hand wasn’t so tight on his hip.
“Three hours, maybe? Chris, babe, you really need to sleep, we have so much to do today.”
Three hours? That’s impossible. Chan can imagine the option of having sex with Felix and forgetting about it. He doesn’t remember ever wanting that, but it’s believable. Stress and lack of sleep can make people do all sorts of crazy things. But going back in time? Is it his memory that’s at fault here? Did he go to sleep earlier? But he can swear it was already after three when he last looked the laptop clock. And he understands himself well enough to know he wouldn’t just go to Felix like that, even if he was, what, sleepwalking? Or is this a psychotic break? Was he hallucinating?
And the whole thing with Felix just doesn’t make any sense. If he went to him in the middle of the night, obviously unwell, he would never have agreed to have sex. Gentle, kind, sweet Felix wouldn’t take advantage of him like that. Sex between them could ruin all of their careers and lives, Chan would never risk it and Felix knows that. Felix knows him, sometimes better than he knows himself. This whole situation is just impossible. There’s never been anything sexual between them, anything even a bit romantic. And then, something like that in just a few short hours?
If Chan ever wanted this from Felix, if they did something together, it wouldn’t be full on penetration on the first time. How long will it take to clean himself out? His whole body feels like he’s been beaten up and he’ll have to dance like this? They aren’t this stupid. Just like that, with everyone sleeping nearby? They must’ve been loud enough to wake up someone. Chan could’ve been out of his mind, but surely Felix would’ve cared?
There is no explanation for any of this. There’s nothing he can analyze, think through. This situation is impossible, it never could’ve happened, and it did. Should he explain everything to Felix, try to work it through with him? He would if Felix wasn’t reacting to everything so oddly. They had sex and this is it, no questions, nothing for them to talk about?
That’s how they spend the next two hours. Felix sleeps, curled around Chan’s sore body, holding him in place, and Chan just lies there, eyes open and burning, breathing in their shared scent, until there’s nothing but them, them, them.
Together.
A sharp knock on the door snaps Chan out of his daze. Felix murmurs something into his neck, pressing a few chaste kisses, only half awake. Another knock. It’s almost light in the room, the shadows banished for the day.
“Lovebirds, wake the fuck up already!” There’s Jisung’s loud voice and laughter from the kitchen. And they’re still naked together. This is real. He will get up from the bed and nothing will change, he’ll have to carry this with him. And the day will end and he’ll- will they go back to sleep here together? Will they sing and dance and eat and go back to this room, this bed that smells of sex, of them, and everything will just go on like it normally does? Will nothing change?
“We should probably apologize for last night.” Felix’s face is still buried in his skin, every word a distractingly damp caress. Chan tries not to shiver.
“For what?”
“You were really loud, baby.”
Was he? They didn’t even talk that much- oh. Felix means their fucking was loud. Chan was loud when Felix fucked him. And everyone’s heard them and knows, even if Chan himself doesn’t. He doesn’t remember, but nobody will believe him. He’ll leave this room and look them in the eyes, and they’ll know exactly why his dancing is so off today, why he looks so tired.
His face must do something, must change, even if he can’t even feel his own expression at the moment, because Felix immediately starts rubbing his shoulders, voice as soft as he can make it.
“You know they’re not going to say anything, right? They don’t actually mind our relationship; they just like to tease us. There’s nothing wrong about enjoying yourself. You know I love the noises you make, I love making you feel good.”
A kiss on the corner of his lips, on his cheek, on his forehead, anything to comfort him.
Oh.
Their relationship.
They know about it.
Chan throws up.
Nobody teases him about the fact that he’s wincing with every step he takes. He’s limping visibly, the pain crawling up and down his legs, his pelvis, his back. Felix helps him walk to the bathroom, stays with him in the shower, washes his hair, digs his fingers inside and cleans him out.
He apologizes constantly. For not taking good enough care of him, for being too rough, for not noticing that he’s gotten sick.
His hands are kind, his kisses soft, his voice lowered. This is his Felix, he loves him, he’s caring for him, everything will be okay now.
Chan can’t even find the energy to tell him to shut up.
They sit on the couch. Felix sits, Chan’s half lying, his head in Felix’s lap. He’s had two glasses of water, three pills for his pain, everyone’s well wishes and sympathetic whispers. There’s still nausea high in his throat, his whole body’s still in pain, they still have to leave in twenty minutes.
He meets Hyunjin’s eyes from across the room, has to look away. He’s biting his bottom lip, eyes lingering on Chan’s waist, hips, thighs. He looks like he wants to say something, ask something. Chan couldn’t answer, even if he wanted to. So, he just looks away.
He can’t even make himself care about anything in this situation. His brain feels too big for his skull, thoughts buzzing and scurrying around like little bugs, his eyes too painful to keep them open. So, he just lies there, limp and hurting, and tries not to think about his supposed relationship with Felix. It can’t be a prank everyone’s pulling on him, can it? Though sex would be going a bit too far for a prank, even for them.
How long have they been in a relationship then? He could ask someone, but then he would look crazy. Everyone seems to be on the same page here, he’s the only exception. He could search for it on the internet, maybe, surely someone has created a compilation of them clearly acting like they’re a couple? It can’t all be exactly the same, their relationship should’ve changed something.
A thought, a feeling, maybe-
He opens his eyes again.
“Do you feel any- “ Felix says something else, but Chan doesn’t hear him, eyes glued to the wall in front of them. It feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room, his breathing stuttering in the vacuum. The sounds disappear. There’s just him and the wall.
It’s the only thing on his mind.
The wall is wrong.
It’s much lighter than it should be. There’s at least a three-shade difference. And Chan knows the color of their walls, he knows every stain and imperfection. They’re not the same color they were yesterday. This room that traps him in something that feels like a strange nightmare has walls that are different than they were yesterday.
The two most important things Chan knows, the only things he really knows: he and Felix are together; the walls are different. Everything else feels the same. He even flipped through his notes app to see if there’s anything of interest, but every word he’s written is the same, every date matches perfectly, every rhyme just as he’s left it. Every single one of his messages is the same as it was before he fell asleep.
Felix is different and the walls are different. He can try to explain Felix, if he really tries to, but nobody could’ve painted every wall in the short time since he’s last seen them. It’s physically impossible. The walls don’t look like they were painted a few hours ago, every stain and scratch are identical, everything is the same, except the color.
This is a different universe.
He went to sleep and woke up in another universe. Actually, he didn’t even go to sleep, and he still woke up here. A universe with a different Felix and different walls.
He goes over everything he knows and doesn’t know. The time difference, Felix, the walls, the fact that he’s feeling like absolute garbage for no obvious reason. The lack of surprise on the other members’ faces.
There’s also the possibility that he’s crazy but there are just too many things that don’t make sense, that would make sense if he’s somehow traveled to a parallel world.
It calms Chan down, in a very strange way. It’s quiet and Felix’s running his fingers through his hair so slowly, gently… it’s possible he falls asleep for a moment. A few minutes, maybe. Two, three, four, five…
It’s enough.