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The first time it happened, Atsumu was 12 years old. He had been out drawing with sticks in the dirt when something felt wrong, like a gut feeling. It was with quick steps that Atsumu ran all the way home from the woods.
When he got home it turned out he was right, Osamu had broken his leg and gotten a concussion when he fell down the stairs.
“I knew something was wrong with ya ‘Samu! I felt it!” Atsumu said later beside his brother's bed in the hospital.
“Shut up Tsumu! Ya didn’t know shit, ya ain’t no psychic!” was the reply he got in return.
“It’s called twintuition ya scrub! I looked it up!” Atsumu yelled. Osamu just scoffed, but a part of Atsumu knew his brother believed him.
After that, it happened so many times, Atsumu would feel it in his gut anytime something bad happened to his twin. This was something that brought him both stress and comfort.
Stress because he always wanted to get to his brother when something occurred but couldn’t always do so.
And comfort because Osamu couldn’t hide anything from him. Which meant nothing bad could happen without Atsumu knowing about it.
This didn’t really become an issue until the twins were in high school when Atsumu developed really bad anxiety. This brought a lot of confusion since he couldn’t always know for sure when it was a gut feeling and when it was anxiety.
During training camp in his second year the feeling crept up on him during bonding activities between the participants. Atsumu just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with his brother.
He excused himself from the crowd and went to the bathroom to try calling his brother, but it just went to voicemail. Atsumu felt his breath quicken after calling three times. After taking a few deep breaths he tried to think rationally and told himself
‘If it was something serious yer parents would've called Atsumu’
Deciding it was probably just his anxiety acting up, Atsumu tried letting it go in order to enjoy the rest of his time with all these amazing volleyball players.
Four days later when Astumu came home, it turned out Osamu’s boyfriend of seven months had broken up with him. Atsumu cursed himself for not being there, he knew he should’ve trusted his gut feeling.
In their third year Atsumu knew something was up with his brother and tried saying as much but all he got was an angry ‘mind yer business!’ which ended in a wrestling competition.
Three days later Osamu broke the news about his career plans. The thought of not always being with his brother scared Atsumu, how would he be able to be there if something happened?
He showed his worry in anger and probably broke his brother's heart a little in the process. He could feel it himself.
Eventually Atsumu apologized, he knew he was in the wrong.
“I’m leaving the sport ‘Tsumu, not ya, yer my brother” Osamu told him later as he was making dinner for them both.
Atsumu was now 22 and a professional volleyball player. He really liked it with the Jackals’. He had long since come to terms with his brother's choice, it still felt hard being away from him though. Being glued to someone’s side for 18 years does that to you.
His new team members made it easier, they often unknowingly cheered him up and made him forget about his worries. He hadn’t told the team about his anxiety.
Not because he didn’t trust them, but because he simply felt it wasn't necessary. It didn’t involve them as much as it did his brother.
Atsumu had built up a little bit of a facade over the years, and had this certain image he wanted to uphold. He wouldn’t necessarily say he was ashamed of his issues, but he wasn’t exactly proud of it either.
Which brings us to the current issue.
Astumu couldn’t breathe.
He’d already had a bad day. He overslept and was late for practice because of nightmares he’d had during the night. He was off at practice, made too many failed sets and was sent home by coach Foster.
On top of that, Sakusa had looked at him as if he was disgusted by his very existence.
“Don’t come to practice sick Miya'' He said and went back to practicing. Hearing that from the person you had a crush on didn’t exactly feel nice.
Astumu couldn’t exactly tell the truth either so he just said something along the lines of:
“Sorry omi-kun! it won’t happen again” and then left practice with his shoulders slumped and a lump in his throat.
And now he couldn’t breathe.
He didn’t even really know what could be wrong, and then it hit him. Something could’ve happened to Osamu. Maybe Osamu was dying and that's why he couldn’t breathe. And then suddenly it became even harder to breathe.
It was currently 2 AM and Astumu’s apartment was dark. He was currently on his kitchen floor, feeling his brother dying.
Atsumu stood up on his shaky legs and decided he needed to get to his brother to say goodbye.
He found his phone and quickly dialed Suna’s number. Suna and Osamu had been dating for three years and were currently living together.
one beep
two beeps
“Atsumu?” Suna’s tired voice came through the speakers. And Atsumu let out a loud sob.
“Sunarin? Are ya with ‘Samu?” Asumu whimpered. He wondered how Suna was doing, knowing the love of his life was dying. His voice probably sounded so tired because he’d been crying.
“Yeah, he’s right here'' Suna said, and continued with ‘why are you asking?’
Atsumu let out a few sobs through his hyperventilating.
“Atsumu? What’s wrong?” Suna continued when Atsumu didn’t say anything.
What’s wrong? Astumu thought, baffled. His other half was dying, that’s what was wrong. How could he even ask that?
“I need to say goodbye'' Atsumu said before he broke into uncontrollable sobs.
He could hear another voice through the phone, Suna was talking with someone.
“Tsumu? What’s goin’ on?” Osamus's voice came through the phone. Atsumu couldn’t believe this was the last he’d ever hear from his brother.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry'' He whimpered. His entire body was trembling and he could see black spots dancing across his vision.
“Why are ya apologizing?” His brother asked.
“I don’t wantcha to die ‘Samu!” He cried. And Osamu immediately knew what was wrong when he heard that phrase. This wasn’t the first time Atsumu thought something bad was happening to him when it really wasn’t.
“I’m not dying ‘Tsumu!” Atsumu heard through his loud sobs “Listen, I need ya to breathe with me, alright?”
This went on for another five minutes until Atsumu’s breathing was under control, Osamu was still desperately trying to console his brother that, no, he wasn’t dying.
“I’m comin’ over” Osamu announced and Atsumu immediately started whimpering again.
“no, no, no ya could crash the car and die ‘Samu!” Atsumu sobbed and Osamu was at a loss. He didn’t know what to do to help his brother.
“Listen ‘Tsumu, why dontcha come over here then?” Osamu suggested instead. “Think ya could find someone to drive ya over here?”
Atsumu tried to pull himself together and nodded, even though his brother couldn’t see him. Maybe one of his teammates could drive him. He said as much and got coaxed into hanging up in the meantime, with the promise that Suna would call immediately if something happened.
Thankfully all of the Jackals lived in the same apartment building. Astumu exited his apartment, after putting on his shoes, with the plan to ask Bokuto. Only after he’d rang the doorbell did he realize his mistake. This wasn’t Bokuto's door, Atsumu had mistaken it through his blurry vision.
Before he could make a run for it the door opened and a tired Sakusa appeared.
“Miya?”
Ashamed, Atsumu looked down at his feet and took a deep breath before raising his head and putting on his signature grin.
“Sorry Omi-kun! Wrong door” He said in his most cheerful voice. Trying to appear normal. His red rimmed eyes and blotchy, tear stained face must've given him away because the next sentence was,
“what’s wrong Miya?”
And Atsumu broke down all over again. Feeling silent tears start running down his cheeks and the familiar lump in his throat. Sakusa tentatively wrapped his arms around Atsumu and that only made him cry harder.
Sakusa gently hushed him and stroked his back in soothing motions. Atsumu clenched his hands around Sakusas shirt and took deep breaths.
Atsumu unwrapped himself from Sakusas hug, wiped his face and croaked out,
“Sorry Omi, could ya give me a ride somewhere?”
“Of course,” Sakusa replied.
After putting his shoes and coat on, he led them outside the apartment with a hand on Atsumu’s lower back.
In the car Atsumu could tell Sakusa was looking at him. Problu curious as to what in the whole world was going on. Then he asked,
“Where should I drive you?”
“To ‘Samu’s place” He said and gave Sakusa the address.
“Did something happen?” Sakusa asked. Curious as to why Atsumu needed to get to his brother's house this late.
“No, not really,” Astumu replied after taking a shuddering breath.
“You know you can talk to me right?” Sakusa said. And Atsumu looked up at him. Sakusa looked worried, and Atsumu thought, maybe it’s ok to be vulnerable sometimes.
Astumu then proceeded to tell him about his anxieties since he could often feel when something was wrong with his brother, and his confusion because he could never really know if that was that feeling or if it was his brain messing with him.
Sakusa listened through it all and when Atsumu stopped talking they were outside his brother's place.
Sakusa opened the door for Atsumu and helped him out of his seat. He then walked Atsumu to the door with a hand on his shoulder.
“‘Samu!” Atsumu cried out when his brother opened the door, with Suna behind him.
Suddenly he had arms wrapped around him. He inhaled his brother's familiar scent and hugged him back even tighter. His eyes were burning again, tired from crying. But that didn’t stop him from sobbing in his brother's arms for a few minutes.
“Let’s get ya inside yeah?” Osamu said and then continued “Would ya like to come in for tea Sakusa-san, we have a spare bedroom, if yer okay with sharing”
“Sure Miya-san, if that's okay, I wouldn't want to intrude” Sakusa said, too tired to protest.
As the four of them sat in the kitchen, well past 3 AM, things felt a lot better. His brother was here, he was alive and safe.
“I think I need help” Atsumu said. Knowing that the events that had occured that night weren't normal. Osamu squeezed his knee and Sakusa had his hand on his back.
“That’s ok ‘Tsumu, we’ll get ya help” Osamu said and Atsumu let out a few more tears at that. Osamu wrapped his arms around him and said “It’s gonna be ok”. And Atsumu thought that maybe he was right.
Later in the guest bedroom he and Sakusa were going to bed and Sakusa said “You know I don't think any less of you because of this yeah?”
And Atsumu gave him a wobbly smile as he laid down next to him on the bed.
Sakusa heard Atsumu sniffle and after a few seconds he said, “Come here Astumu” and Atsumu crawled into Sakusas ar-, no, Kiyoomi’s arms.
It had been a rough day to say the least, and Atsumu felt his eyes close by themselves. As he was falling asleep in Kiyoomis arms he felt a kiss on his forehead and heard a quiet “goodnight Atsumu”
And he thought, maybe things really will turn out alright.