Chapter Text
2003
The first feeling Yunho had ever felt over Changmin was jealousy, a feeling so dark and cutting it felt like he’d swallowed glass and it was shredding his insides. The rumours were this: SM Entertainment’s newest trainee was an elite that would shoot up the ranks and debut sooner than Yunho and his friends could blink.
Years. Yunho had been a trainee for years. And suddenly some rich little upstart was being escalated above him?
Yunho had been in the SM building’s basement with his Four Seasons bandmates when he’d got word. “Sexual status?” Heechul murmured, close to Yunho’s ear. “Probably an omega, since they tend to have the most sex appeal.”
Heechul was an omega. Yunho ignored him and practiced some dance moves in the mirror, twirling on the spot before popping his joints.
“They say betas make the best idol stars,” Kangin argued. “They don’t have heats or have to bond so there’s less fuss.”
“He might be an alpha,” said Jaejoong. He was looking at Yunho. “If he’s an alpha, are you going to challenge him?”
“No,” said Yunho automatically, but he felt the alpha part of him raise its hackles. If the elite trainee was an alpha, he’d better stay the fuck away from Yunho and his pack. There was no way he was letting some little alpha pup from Gangnam overtake him after he’d worked so hard.
*
The trainee’s name was Shim Changmin and pup was about the right word to describe him. He was small and polite and had a voice like a shy mouse.
As Changmin bowed ninety degrees, Yunho flared his nostrils and took a surreptitious sniff. The pup didn’t smell like anything in particular. A beta, then. Pup’s lucky day.
Yunho told him off and then walked away, keeping his shoulders squared and his chin slightly raised.
*
Jaejoong presented.
It was during the night that Jaejoong’s heat had flared as hot and sudden as a lit match, and thankfully Yunho had been staying over at Junsu’s house at the time, because as Jaejoong’s alpha, he would not know what he would have done if they had been in the same house at the time.
It took three days for Jaejoong’s heat the break, enough time for Yunho to get himself worked up over their upcoming impromptu meeting with Lee Sooman. He tried not to think about how Jaejoong was an omega now, an omega in his pack. And Yunho was an alpha, and there was potential there for mating –
No. He had pushed the feelings away when it came to Heechul, and he would do the same with Jaejoong.
“I’m sorry, but we have to break Four Seasons up,” said Lee Kangbok, one of SM’s directors. Next to him, Lee Sooman swivelled a little in his chair, relaxed, though his usual smile was absent.
Across the table, Yunho clenched his fists. He nodded.
Uncomfortably, Kangbok said, “I’m sure you know our reasons. It’s not appropriate for a pack, especially one as small as Four Seasons, to have two omegas.”
Yunho came out of that meeting room with hunched shoulders. “Not good news, I take it?” Kangin asked.
“They’ve split us up,” Yunho told him. He clapped him on the shoulder. “Too many omegas, not enough betas.”
“Yeah, I was feeling kind of lonely there for a minute,” joked Kangin. Then he pointed at the glass exit doors with his chin.
Outside, Heechul had a hand on the back of Jaejoong’s neck, and was glaring, and pushing him down, asserting his dominance. Jaejoong hung his head.
Yunho shoved open the doors. “Let him go,” he commanded with a growl. Heechul, hearing a command from his alpha, let go immediately. Then Yunho told them the news.
Heechul said, “It’s all his fault – “
“Jaejoongie can’t help his biology any more than you can, hyung,” said Yunho.
“But we’ll always be pack, right?” said Kangin forlornly.
Because he was the alpha, Yunho had to be determined and steady. “Always,” he said.
*
Yunho had been dating Hojoon, an alpha, for a little while. “Two omegas?” Hojoon gasped, dramatically grasping his chest. “That’s a handful. Wait – do they go into heat at the same time? That must kill you.”
“They don’t,” said Yunho, as he took off his shirt and made to lay down on the bed mat next to Hojoon. “Well, I don’t think they do? Jaejoongie only just presented.”
Hojoon watched him with his sharp, dark eyes, and then abruptly lay down and pulled his blanket up. “You know what I heard? That omegas that are together a lot – like, in family packs and such - synchronise their heats.”
Yunho laughed. “That’s ridiculous.” He cleared his throat. “...It’s not true, is it?”
Hojoon moved down Yunho’s body and playfully stuck the tip of his tongue into Yunho’s belly button. “Which one would you choose to mate with?” he asked quietly.
And that was the real question, wasn’t it? Who would he chose to mate and bond with, sealing their relationship together for the rest of their lives? “I can’t choose; they both have their qualities.”
Hojoon moved down a little more and bit him lightly on one hip bone. “You’re too diplomatic.”
“I won’t get bonded until I’m old and grey,” Yunho decided. “They may be omegas but they’re still my friends and I don’t want them to start breeding just as their careers might be taking off.”
Hojoon leaned up and kissed him. “You’re too nice for this world. What you should have said is, ‘I won’t bond because I’m going to be a superstar!’” He sat up, throwing his arms in the air for emphasis. Yunho laughed. It was true that alphas and omegas had much better chances at gaining a solid fanbase when they were unbonded; omegas especially, as an omega had to do everything their alpha commanded of them, including quitting jobs, if that was what their alpha desired.
Since the day he presented, Yunho vowed to himself to never be that kind of alpha.
Hojoon laid on top of him and Yunho hooked his legs around Hojoon’s hips. “Do you think we’re a little weird for doing this?” Yunho asked. They were both alphas and both men which was generally frowned upon.
“Maybe,” said Hojoon. He cupped Yunho’s face. “But I wanted you the moment I saw you.”
*
Choreographer Cho Jinki was a short man in his mid thirties with a shaved head and sharp eyes. Yunho and about thirty other male trainees were dancing to a pop song they’d had to learn on the fly that morning. He had been excited to finally practice dancing in the main dance room, but now he was hot and getting tired having danced non-stop for two hours. He was also well and truly sick of the song that was playing on repeat.
All the boys were dancing in neat rows, Jinki moving around and in-between them, watching with a professional focus, judging hard. Here and there he would nod an approval, or tilt his head to the side as if considering.
From the corner of his eye, Yunho saw Lee Sooman slip into the room.
Jinki clapped once. “Excellent! When I tap your shoulder, you must leave the room.”
Yunho’s stomach seized in fear. A couple of rows down, he saw Shim Changmin miss a step. But then they both went straight back into it. Yunho kept his moves tight and muscles tensed, though they burned.
A boy Yunho recognised but didn’t know the name of went pale as the choreographer tapped him on the shoulder. He left the room, shoulders slack. The next boy to be tapped looked completely devastated.
Yunho tried to keep his breath regulated as Jinki surveyed Jaejoong. He tilted his head and seem satisfied. But then Heechul’s shoulder was tapped.
He left the room, arms folded. Yunho’s heart dropped.
Jinki passed by Yunho only briefly but with a raised eyebrow thrown in his direction. He passed by Changmin and considered him, but with an exchanged glance with Sooman who stood in the corner of the room, moved on to someone else. A shoulder tap on another boy, then another and another. Tap, tap, tap. And then there were only ten of them left.
The player was switched off and Jinki stood at the front and gestured them forward until they stood in two neat lines of five. Yunho was still standing in the room, and so was Junsu, Kangin and Jaejoong, so that was good, it would all be okay. Unfortunately Changmin was too, but Yunho tried not to dislike him too much, or judge him too harshly.
“You and you,” said Jinki, pointing at Yunho then Leeteuk, “step forward.” Yunho did so, heart racing so fast it fluttered. Jinki narrowed his eyes at Jaejoong. He pointed. “And you.”
Jaejoong stepped forward quickly and stood next to Yunho. He was panting from exertion. They exchanged a look, then grinned.
Jinki went over to the player. “When I press play, the first row will dance.” He pressed play
For the forty-five seconds the song played, Yunho gave it his all while Jinki stood and judged. Sooman whispered something in Jinki’s ear and then the music was shut off. Then Jinki strode over and tapped Leeteuk on the shoulder.
Leeteuk expression was shocked before becoming stormy a second later. Jaw set, he left the room. Unphased, Jinki instructed three boys to dance, and then the remaining four. Two boys were tapped to leave.
Then Sooman came forward and asked the remaining seven to stand in one line. Yunho was first. Sooman asked him to sing.
“Do ray mi la so fa ti,” Yunho sang. Sooman nodded as if it had been the result he had expected Jaejoong sang next, then Kangin.
When all the boys had sung, Sooman tapped Kangin and Sungmin on their shoulders. Kangin gave Yunho a forlorn look as he left.
Yunho clasped his hands behind his back and stood up straight. “As you know,” Sooman began, “we have been working towards creating and debuting a new boy group for some time now. We believe we are coming very close with the five of you – “
Yunho and Jaejoong laughed breathlessly before hugging each other, and Yunho hugged Junsu.
Sooman was smiling. “We’re thinking of naming you ‘Bul Pae’.”
A couple of metres away, Changmin made a small noise of surprise. Yunho pulled away from Junsu and tried to keep a straight face. The fifth member of their new band, Siwon, seemed to be doing the same.
*
Yunho’s joy was short-lived, as only a few days later, he was called into Sooman’s office. Pictures of the previous day’s photoshoot were spread out over his desk. He was looking down and frowning.
“I’m sorry to do this to you Yunho, but these photos just don’t look right.”
Yunho’s heart sank. “You’re dissolving my pack – I mean, the new group, again, sir?”
Sooman squinted, but he didn’t look up. “Not completely, we’ll just replace one or two members and change the name.”
Yunho didn’t want to remind him that that was what he’d done with Four Seasons. He looked down at the photos of the five of them posing for the camera together, arms leaning on each other’s shoulders and looking emotional.
“We want to keep you and Jaejoong together because you make a good alpha/omega pair,” said Sooman, as if thinking out loud, “and your kind are so rare these days. So obviously the rest have to be betas.” He pointed to a picture of Changmin. “This one is not expendable. The other two, however... A shame, one is very good looking and the other is talented.”
When the meeting was over, Yunho let himself out, closed the door behind him and leant on it with his eyes closed.
*
“This is our new place?” Junsu exclaimed. He ran to the bedroom then the recording room then through the lounge room and kitchen. “Awesome!”
“It’s a little small,” said Changmin.
“It’s more than good enough for me,” said Yunho honestly, who felt he’d had more than enough homelessness for his lifetime.
Changmin’s mother caressed Changmin’s hair. “Your new alpha is right, sweetie. Sleeping together in one room helps with pack bonding.” Her small face crumpled. “Oh, Changminnie is leaving the family pack and going out into the world. My little boy is all grown up!” She held him tight buried her nose in his shoulder.
He struggled. “Ugh Mum, please stop embarrassing me in front of my new pack members.”
Jaejoong covered his mouth to suppress his laughter. She noticed. “And you must be the omega! I was the pack omega too, once. Of course I still am, but my alpha and I started a new family pack. People always assume that alphas make all the decisions, but that is not always the case. The omega role is essential to pack survival,” she lectured Jaejoong. “You must make sure the other pack members are well-fed and well-rested, and it is the role of the omega to keep a stern eye on pack finances.” She hugged Changmin tight one more time before letting go. “I only Changminnie had been an omega, there is so much to teach.”
Changmin looked scandalised. “Yeah well, I’m not, so that’s that.”
“You’re still young,” his mother told him, “you may yet present.”
Yunho, Jaejoong and Junsu all looked at Changmin. Changmin’s mouth twisted. “I can’t,” he said, “my pack already has an alpha and an omega.” But Yunho knew that God worked in mysterious ways, and biology was biology. If Changmin was born an omega, he would present as an omega when his body was ready to; until then he would be seen and scented as a beta. Yunho had always assumed Changmin was a beta from the first day they’d met; however, in retrospect, he’d been pre-occupied with Changmin’s scent and his status as an SM Entertainment trainee, and had failed to realise that Changmin was young enough to still be going through puberty.
Changmin’s mother was preparing to leave. “It will all work itself out,” she told him, kissing him on the cheek one last time in farewell.
“I’ve chosen my bed,” Junsu announced to the room, once Changmin’s mother had left. As alpha, Yunho was supposed to choose first, but he let it slide. “Also,” said Junsu, “there’s five beds – but I thought Siwon wasn’t in our pack anymore.”
“He isn’t,” said Yunho darkly. “We’re getting a new member, some American kid.”
That night, when they were all tucked in, Yunho said to Jaejoong, “I promised Kangin and Heechul hyungs we would stay a pack.”
“Unpromise it,” said Jaejoong. “This whole thing is more than just you finding your betas and omega, about finding our pack and so on. This is about our careers now. Besides,” he added, yawning and turning over, “I’m still here.”
Yunho looked up at the ceiling. “You make it sound like breaking promises is easy.”
“It is easy,” said Jaejoong. He sounded frustrated. “It’s the easiest thing in the world. Anyway, it’s out of our control.”
Yunho said nothing and thought about the strangeness of having a company choose your pack for you when traditionally people slowly pulled away from the family pack and gradually created their own, weaving friendships and surreptitiously sniffing out their mate. The latter was particularly fearful; unlike betas who had the choice to leave a relationship at any time, alphas and omegas mated for life. The bonding process between an alpha and omega during sex was just too strong to be broken by anything less than death.
*
Park Yoochun had been given the persona of ‘emotional, tortured artist’. “And Yunho,” said Sooman, “you are of course the serious yet charismatic leader. And lastly, Changmin is the cute one.”
Changmin looked doubtful.
Sooman’s personal assistant handed them sheets of paper. “This will be your new single!” announced Sooman. “’Hug’!”
“I want to be the bed in your room for one day,” said Changmin.
Yunho blushed and glanced at Changmin. “Pardon?”
Changmin held up his papers. “The lyrics, Yunho-sshi.”
“In interviews you will need to call your leader hyung,” Sooman reprimanded Changmin. Now it was Changmin’s turn to blush. Jaejoong and Junsu sniggered.
Predictably Hug was not the only song they had to record; they also had to record a whole album. Being friends pre-Dong Bang Shin Ki meant that Yunho, Junsu and Jaejoong worked well together. Yunho supposed that was the reason Changmin had felt a little left out and then got on so well with the newest member, Yoochun. Yoochun smirked and whispered something in Changmin’s ear, and then Changmin’s whole face transformed as he broke out in loud barks of laughter.
Yunho tried not to stare so obviously. Until that moment, Yunho had assumed Changmin’s daily expression had been simple politeness. But now Yunho considered that perhaps up until Yoochun had showed up he had been stoic.
Later that evening, Yunho sat at the kitchen table while Jaejoong cooked dinner. “I don’t understand why I’m not getting used to the two new pack members,” Yunho vented. “I thought I got on with everyone.”
Jaejoong lifted the lid of the saucepan to check the soup. “If your pack hadn’t been chosen for you, you would have chosen me and Junsu, right?” he said distractedly. “But the other two were chosen for you.”
“So?”
“So you only ‘get on with everyone’ because everyone you’ve met and have remembered meeting you have chosen to speak to. But these two you didn’t choose, so they’re going to take some effort.”
Yunho went out on the balcony and saw Changmin and Yoochun smoking and chatting. “You’re smoking?” Yunho asked.
Changmin butted his out immediately. Yoochun smirked. “So sue us. Or have one too, whatever.”
Changmin was looking between them. Yunho wanted Yoochun to be in his pack but there was something about him that Yunho didn’t like, but he wasn’t ready to face the possibility that Changmin liking Yoochun more unnerved him. He went over to Yoochun, grabbed the back of his neck and pushed him down into a bow. “Do you except me as your alpha?”
“Sure,” said Yoochun. It didn’t sound very sincere. Yunho squeezed. “Yes! I accept you as my alpha.”
Yunho released him. “Good. Go inside and help Jaejoong with dinner.”
“Roger that!” said Yoochun, before going back inside.
Yunho and Changmin looked at each other. Then Changmin bowed, exposing the back of his neck. “I accept you as my alpha,” he said. “Um, if you’ll have me.”
Yunho stared down at the soft skin of his neck, at the little bump of his spine and the sweet way a dark strand of hair curled behind his ear. “Of course I accept you,” he said in a much softy, kinder voice than before.
Changmin was still bowing, however. His voice wavered as he said, “I know you don’t like me very much. I know you don’t really want me to be here.”
“That’s not true,” said Yunho, wishing he wasn’t lying. “It’s just that – “ I’m jealous of you “- you can’t dance. Oh fuck,” he said as Changmin slowly straightened, “I’m sorry, that – that came out wrong. I mean, I didn’t mean to say it.”
Changmin didn’t look offended. “I know I can’t dance. When they asked me to dance at my audition I did the army clap.” And then Changmin demonstrated, dead-eyed, as he leaned from side to side, clapping his hands.
Yunho choked. “Are you serious?”
Changmin grinned, and his eyes were mismatched. “Yeah.”
“And then what happened?”
Changmin shrugged. “Then I got in.”
Yunho made a mental note to pray to God later and ask him what the hell his game was. He turned to go in, but then Changmin said, “I don’t have any brothers, only sisters.”
“Oh,” said Yunho. “Me too. Well, one sister.”
“So... um, can I call you hyung? ‘Cause I’d like to have a big brother and you’re, you know...” He gestured at the wall. “You’re the nicest one.”
Well, that was sad. Yunho looked at him properly. He was just a kid – small, with big eyes and a nose too large for his face, and he held himself with sloping, hunched shoulders as if all he wanted to do was run and hide. Yunho was alpha of his own pack now, and he had to learn to be a leader fast. It wasn’t just about giving his pack direction, it was also about keeping them from slipping into unhappiness. And right now, the maknae was unhappy, and Yunho was frustratingly unsure how to fix it.
*
They filmed their music video with Go Ara and a kitten named Mittens, and then shortly after they were told they were going to debut –
Tomorrow.
Jaejoong gaped. “And we have to learn the entire choreography? In a day?”
“It’s not so bad,” said Yunho, already more than ready to take the stage. “We can do it in a day, that’s plenty of time.”
“No it isn’t,” said Changmin.
“Yes it is,” said Yunho.
“No it isn’t, not for me at any rate.”
Yunho put his hand on Changmin’s shoulder and told him while looking him straight in the eye, “I’ll get you through it, don’t worry. You will do well.”
And he did. It was as if Changmin had gone through a transformation overnight: suddenly he was a good dancer, keeping to the time, even remembering and following stage directions better than Yunho.
On the night they debuted on stage, Yunho was more than happy with Changmin’s performance. Jaejoong, however...
“You fucked up,” Yunho told him. “Don’t do it again.”
*
Their promotions from there were mostly late night sessions on radio shows and television. But it was theirs, and it was good.
2004
Just when things were going so well, they were involved in a road accident. The occupants of their van were ok, but the driver of the other car had died.
Yunho laid down on the hospital bed and felt his neck brace. He despaired at the fact that the thing wasn’t all that attractive.
He did remember the accident, but the memory was more like a dream, or like a story told to him by someone it had actually happened to. The neck brace was the only hard, solid evidence he felt he had.
He was sharing a double room with Changmin, except Changmin wasn’t there – he was currently in radiology getting xrays because he’d had a large amount of bruising from the seatbelt.
Yunho dozed.
He was awoken by hushed voices. A peek through one squinted eye Yunho saw that Changmin was back, and his mother was there as well as the doctor.
“I don’t understand,” Changmin was saying, voice quiet and small and wavering. “How can that be possible?”
“I take it you were never screened?” said the doctor. “Overall, it’s good news, Changmin. I’ll leave you two alone.”
The doctor left the room and Changmin’s mother squeezed Changmin’s hand.
“No one can know,” Changmin whispered urgently. “No one.”
2005
Filming Hi Ya Ya felt like a vacation more than work, and they had quite a bit of time off to enjoy the island, which was good. They played beach volley ball in the shallow ocean waters, and at some point or another, they’d taken their swimming trunks off.
Yeah, that happened.
Yunho would have thought the feeling off the ocean making his dick and balls weightless was the best thing ever, except it wasn’t, not by a long shot.
Their beach house opened up to the ocean and someone had suggested snorkelling in the dark ocean. They could spy on people in the other houses through their glass floors.
“Should we do it naked again?” said Junsu.
“No,” said Yunho as he adjusted his goggles.
“We’ve got to be stealthy,” Yoochun agreed solemnly. He jumped into the water. “Fuck!” he hissed. “I thought it would be warmer.”
Yunho had been in the ocean so much in the last few days he felt like he was practically made of salty sea water. Regardless, he relished the late-night swim, leading his pack under the houses and past the wooden stilts.
The first couple they spied on were sipping wine and talking casually. Yunho and his pack were excited at their own gall, spying on the small intimate moments. Too soon to celebrate though, because the next couple...
It was clearly an alpha and omega pair. The omega was on his knees licking and sucking at the alpha’s elongated clitoris while she held fisted his hair with one hand and pinched one of her own nipples with the other. Yunho coved his goggles with his handles while the others stared up. If they weren’t treading water they would be frozen there in shock.
The next window showed a heterosexual beta pair fucking furiously, the woman bent over the couch and gripping the back of it. He was pummelling into her, and Yunho fleetingly wondered how a vagina could take so much vigorous thrusting; were vaginas magic?
There were a few more, though the one Yunho would remember for the rest of his life was an alpha/omega pair slowly making love on the couch. The alpha’s large cock ground up into the omega’s ass slowly... and the look on the omega’s face was pure pleasure, screwed up like he couldn’t take it, but if the alpha stopped he would die.
The five of them couldn’t look at each other once they’d hoisted themselves back into their own room, towelling themselves off. He couldn’t look at Jaejoong, but he snuck a look at Yoochun, and saw him smiling to himself, his eyes wide yet out of focus.
Yunho stood tall and threw his towel over his shoulders. “Today,” he said, “we are men.”
Changmin’s face was bright red. “I have to –“ he squeaked. “I have to go – toilet – I...” He ran from the room and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind himself.
*
Somehow Yunho and Changmin had ended up sharing a room together in their new dormitory in Korea. He’d thought nothing of it at first, and it wasn’t like he would be allowed to share a room with Jaejoong. Besides, Jaejoong seemed to like Yoochun and Junsu best in recent days, and that while that made Yunho jealous and a bit possessive, he suppressed the emotions. They were his pack after all, and they always would be. He respected that they needed space, and that they needed to bond with one another without their alpha looming over them.
There were good things about sharing a room with Changmin. He was neat and tidy for one, and quiet and respectful of Yunho’s space for another. Also, while Jaejoong was the omega, Changmin was the magnae, and Yunho felt responsible for his well-being in that respect. By sharing a room, Yunho could watch him, make sure there were no serious signs of depression or anger.
Generally Changmin just kept to his side of the room, usually studying with the light of his bedside lamp, or listening to his music with head phones, bobbing his head up and down.
He was studying now, reading a text book on the bed while he held his binder in his lap, pen poised over his note-taking paper. Exhausted, Yunho huffed to himself and rolled over onto his front, chin pressed into his pillow. Out in the lounge room, Yunho could hear Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu and their manager talking and laughing. Their manager was letting them drink beer, which was a rare thing.
“Sometimes when I’m on stage, I feel really lonely,” Yunho blurted out. He felt lonely now, too, but didn’t say.
Changmin sighed, rubbing his eyes behind his glasses and then stretching, hands clasped together and reaching for the ceiling. With his face turned a little against the pillow, Yunho watched him.
Changmin nodded at Yunho, mouth set in a flat line, like he understood Yunho completely. That took Yunho by surprise; usually, Jaejoong would stare at Yunho while Yunho blurted his confessions as if waiting for Yunho to explain himself further.
“Me too,” Changmin told him, frowning. “Except, replace ‘lonely’ with ‘scared shitless’.”
Yunho huffed out a laugh.
“Seriously,” said Changmin as he closed his books. “All those fans with their screaming and wild eyes – “ He shivered dramatically. Then he gave Yunho a side-along look. “Whenever you feel lonely on stage, then look at me, and then I’ll give you this face – “ he widened his eyes and curved his mouth down in an exaggerated look of fear – “and then you’ll know you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m there with you.”
Changmin had said it so simply, but it touched Yunho’s heart to hear it. He pushed himself up on his elbows, shoving his pillow under his chest. “Do you ever feel like – like this is a dream? Like one day you’ll just wake up, and – “
“And it will all be over?” Changmin snorted. “Of course. We’d be stupid not to think like that, because it will be over some day.”
That was a completely different answer to what Jaejoong had said. Jaejoong had said “We’ll be TVXQ forever” and just left it at that.
But Changmin wasn’t Jaejoong. He was quiet yet stubborn, and was never afraid to give the hard truths when prompted. It made him sound like a bitch to most people, but Yunho appreciated the honestly.
“I’m so far away from my family,” Yunho told him, rolling over onto his back. He rested the back of his hand against his forehead. “And that makes me... appreciate my friends more, and love my pack more... and maybe, maybe love them too much, you know?”
And then Yunho spilled his soul out while Changmin laid back and listened. Yunho was afraid of how much love was in his heart for his friends, and afraid of being betrayed, but most of all he was afraid that he’d been putting too much trust into his friends and pack this whole time, that it was affecting his life decisions, and that he couldn’t help that one day he might regret it.
And yet, he explained to Changmin, he also regretted leaving his sister so abruptly when she was so young. He had dreams to follow but he also loved her, and she was family pack. He didn’t want to feel the emotional distance from his family despite the physical distance, and yet it was inevitable, and it hurt.
Changmin took it all in stride, nodding occasionally. Changmin had sisters too, Yunho recalled, and then felt selfish for unloading on him... but Changmin just gave him a soft smile, and encouraged him to go on.
They talked for two hours, and in that time Yunho realised... Oh, Changmin is my best friend.
They would have talked for longer except they were interrupted by Yoochun shouting from the lounge room: “Changmin-ah! Hey! Changmin-ah, get out here! We want to show you something!” Laughter from all occupants of the lounge room accompanied that, and Yunho frowned, a bad feeling sinking in his gut. He knew that tone of voice from Yoochun; it was the kind of voice that said ‘hey come over here, I want to bully you for my own amusement.’
Changmin didn’t seem to notice it, throwing Yunho an exasperated roll of his eyes at Yunho, as if to say, ‘kids these days, so demanding’, as he got up and left the room.
*
They went to China and had a small party in the hotel room with vodka, a couple of grams of cocaine and prostitutes. Naturally all the prostitutes were betas, but only one of them was male. Yunho made out with him for a while but it was Jaejoong who slept with him. Yunho took one of the girls to the main bed presumably fucked her brains out, except he’d blacked out.
In the morning he put on a pair of boxers and stumbled out into the living room and saw Yoochun on the floor, back leaning against the couch, smoking. Yunho gestured for it.
Yoochun looked up at him blearily. “Get your own fucking ciggy.”
Yunho gestured again.
Yochun huffed and handed it over. Yunho said, “Let’s order room service. Where’s the others?”
“Sleeping.”
One of the girls was stepping out of one of the other bedrooms, zipping up her dress as she went. Yunho passed her on his way into the bedroom without a word. He went over to the single bed Changmin was on and kneeled on it and took Changmin’s shoulder in hand. He was naked except for a twisted sheet, and his skin clammy and cold. “Oi,” said Yunho, “I’m gonna order room service, you want anything?” Yunho shook Changmin’s shoulder.
Then shook it again.
Behind him in one of the other single beds he heard Junsu wake up, yawning. Another girl left the room. Yunho shook Changmin’s shoulder harder.
“Changmin-ah. Changmin-ah. Changmin. Wake up. Changmin.”
He wasn’t waking up. Yunho took his naked torso into his arms and his lap. Changmin’s head hung, hair soft and messy, neck exposed. “Baby,” Yunho whispered, “baby, please wake up.” Yunho leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Changmin’s arm. “I didn’t take care of you properly; I must take care of you properly... Wake up please Changmin.”
Yunho stayed there for at least half an hour, cigarette burnt out in a tube of ash. For some of the time Jaejoong leant in the doorway and watched, smoking lazily.
When Changmin did finally cough himself awake he was delirious. He rolled out of Yunho’s arms and ran to the toilet to vomit, and then he laid down on the bathroom floor and slept again.
*
The roar of women and men, of being the centre of a socially hysteric crowd – it made him feel like God, or like the Devil, ready to take all that they had to give and they would offer it all, oh how they would give everything and anything to just be a step closer, to be a moment sooner... He felt their desire and drank it down, guzzled it like the greedy man he was. And while they were two steps from their god, he was two steps from Hell for thinking this, for wanting this and nothing else.