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She died. We were supposed to die when our hair had turned too silver, like the dye that she loved. She left too soon and I’m not sure where I am supposed to walk from now.
Date: 12-05-2030
Time: 5:48 pm
Look at me being pathetic and writing in your diary as if what I am going to write is going to somehow reach you. I just miss you, I miss you every waking hour, it has been 15 days and somehow it feels like an eternity, why does the time go slow when you don’t want it to? Somehow, I feel like I can count the memories of us together on one hand, but it’ll be impossible to count all the times I’ve cried for the past 15 days. Why did you have to go?
On a brighter note I never once wished I was dead these past days, I just wished you weren’t.
Love
From me to you
Date: 20-05-2030
Time: 8:00 Pm
Your old friend came to visit today, the one you had mentioned you drifted away from, he seemed sad and didn’t talk much. It seemed like he wanted to be anywhere else but here. Asked me if you had treated me well instead of asking me if I treated you well. I’m not sure why he asked me that. I didn’t mind it though. I just told him you were good to me, so good that I will always feel a little bit empty inside. He left after an hour and told me that I can talk to him anytime, why didn’t he come here when you were alive? Why couldn’t he come to talk to you when you were here? Why do people want to make amends to a person after they died?
A lot of your old friends are coming to visit these days, I wonder which ones didn’t like you. I should’ve paid more attention to your stories. I was a fool in love who only loved to look at your animated gestures when you were talking. I loved you, I love you and I will keep loving you for as long as life permits.
Love, from me to you
Date: 30-06-2030
Time: 10 am
Yesterday I went to the restaurant you didn’t like, the one we only went to once. I went there so that I didn’t have to go to places that reminded me of you. Everything reminds me of you. I don’t know how many times I have turned to ask you where we should go to eat today and not find you there. Why aren’t you here? Why were we always where the other was? Why was there no space between us? Why were there only ‘our things’ and not yours and mine? Why did you leave me alone with our things, how am I supposed to be anywhere without you? Tell me what should I do? The sheets still smell like you… It's hard sleeping and waking up in a bed half cold. I fall asleep imagining you sleeping next to me holding me like you always did. I wish I had let you hold me more in summers. It’s 10 in the morning and now I can’t stop thinking about you sleeping next to me, with your forehead touching my back because even if it was too hot of a summer you still wanted to get the feeling of holding onto me. Come back to me please come back love, I promise to let you hold me even in summer. I promise…
12:00 pm
I ended up not eating at that restaurant anyway, because it also reminded me of you, how you scrunched your nose because you didn’t like the food there, a bit ironic I went there to escape you only to be reminded of you again. Should I move away? I know you’re laughing right now because I can never do that. I hope you are somewhere, even though we never believed that it exists, I still hope it does, because the thought of you not being anywhere would hurt a lot more.
Love
From me to you
Date: 20-07-2030
Time: 11 Pm
I laughed a lot today and missed you even more.
Love
From me to you
Date: 25-09-2030
Time: 2:00 pm
There are times these days when I find myself not wanting to breathe. The home still feels too big to me, not the way it felt before you came into my life but somehow a little bit better than that. Everything felt worse before you and everything feels worse after you, even if just a little muted. I would give myself up to you a thousand times more, you should’ve stayed, you’ve should’ve let me give myself up again and again until there would’ve been nothing left to give. I wish I could kiss you again. I wish I could open the door again and find you standing there in that bright yellow dress you wore when we first met. You were as bright as the day we first met for the rest of your days…I don’t remember when I fell in love with you or how but I do remember the moment I realized it, it was the moment you barged into my room like you had been wanting to do this for a long time and finally had enough, pointed at me and said “Your rooms looks dead, I don’t know how rooms can do that but I know 100% your room is dead, you need fairy lights” too a deep breathe smiled and said “please?” I knew right then I would do anything you would ask me to do.
You always said that when people fall in love, they become either the better versions of themselves or the worst, you certainly made me the better version of myself I just hope I did the same for you.
Love
From me to you
Date: 12-11-2030
Time: 1:00 am
I missed you a lot today, more than I usually do. I am not sure why, but I felt my heart ache as soon as I woke up, maybe because of the weather. One summer and now one winter, even one feels too much. I quit my old job I don’t like it anymore, I even considered moving but the thought of living in a place that doesn’t have your memories littered all around, isn’t nice. It wouldn’t be home without you, without your memories. I love you; I sometimes say it out loud when I’m alone, somehow that’s the only thing that feels normal.
From me to you
Date: 02-02-2031
Time: 12:00 am
Happy birthday, love. I bought a cake because I know you’d still have wanted me to celebrate, I miss you even more now. Happy birthday my light.
Time: 5:00 pm
Our friends came today and bought another cake, they all yelled happy birthday at your picture, it was funny. You would’ve had fun today and I would’ve fallen in love a little more.
Time: 6:00 pm
We were supposed to get married.
Love
From me to you
Date: 28-04-2031
Time: 7:00 am
It’s been a year; I couldn’t sleep at all.
Date: 30-07-2031
Time: 10:00 pm
I met a girl today, she was pretty, but you were prettier, you are prettier. Did I ever tell you that? Ah, yeah, I think I did. I should’ve said it more, you always smiled and told me that I’m not that bad myself. I love you so much, more than you can imagine, and I miss you even more.
Love
From me to you
Date:
Time:
It hurts it hurts a lot love I love you so much it hurts, why did you leave me all alone? What am I supposed to do, where am I supposed to go? Every time I breathe it hurts why does it hurt so much it shouldn’t hurt this much, every time I wake up, I am reminded that you are not next to me. I have to go on living because you wouldn’t want me to die right? Right?? Why did you surround me so much that without you it feels as if I’m living without air, why did you make me fall in love with you, I never wanted that. I never wanted to fall in love with you, I never wanted to look into your eyes and feel my soul set on fire, I never wanted to fall so badly that once I kissed you, I couldn’t imagine myself not doing it every day for the rest of our lives, but you had to make me live the rest of it alone. I hate waking up alone, I hate having to eat alone, I hate the silence that fills this entire house, and you know what? I never hated those things before I met you, I even preferred them like that. You had to change me without even thinking what my life would be like once you left me in shambles. It feels cold without you, it feels so cold. Why do I have to keep on living? Why did you save me from myself if you had to leave me to myself?
Date: 01-01-2032
Time: 10:00 PM
I got a mail today.
From:[email protected]
Hi baby,
Writing a mail to you feels so weird. So uhm are we still together? Wait some context before you get all weird and start making that face. I found this awesome site that lets you send an email to someone like years after actually writing it so this mail has reached you after 3 years of me actually writing lol. I don’t know if this will work, all I had to do was upload it on some website. Okay, I’m done rambling. How are you baby, first of all, happy new year I love youuuuu so much. Are we still together? We are right? I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I can’t pour my heart into words, but you make me happy. I’m writing this right next to you while you’re sleeping, you are the prettiest person I have ever seen, I hope I get to wake up to your pretty face for the rest of my life. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you, my other half. I became a better version of myself with you. It would be 6 years today since we have been together and 7 since we met. Are you happy? Are you happy with me? Are we married yet? Because if not then wtf marry me???????? I hope we are married because I can’t wait any longer than those three years. I was planning on proposing to you in few months so if I did, did you say yes?? You did, right? You are my wife right wifey?? I can’t wait to say this to you every day for the rest of my life.
I hope we are still together because I cannot imagine living without you anymore. If we aren’t together, was it because I broke it off? If it’s because I did just know I didn’t mean it I would never mean it, you must know that, please take me back if I did, please knock on my door wherever I am and kiss me once again because I would never have meant it, I love you too much to ever want to let go. But if you broke it off, I am sorry that I couldn’t love you like you wanted me to, I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you want to end it. I hope you are happy even if not with me, even if you found happiness elsewhere, I would love you all the same and I would wish you happiness even more. I love you so much I hope I don’t ever lose this feeling because it’d feel like losing myself. Since the day you showed me the fairy lights in your room with that nonchalant smile I knew I would love you for the rest of my life.
Love
From me to you.