Work Text:
Preceding: I'm not saying goodbye, Chapter 5 - Basic DID
SPRING BREAK, 1994
Not that she would ever admit it, but walking inside the woods while carrying a whole other human wasn’t the easiest task.
Mud and dead leaves trapped her feet ankle-deep, which only made it more difficult to reach the hinted path that lead to her cottage.
Lilith usually sprinted inside that forest, never taking too much time to get wherever she wanted, now she was trudging around for not more than ten minutes and she was already panting like a dog in heat.
«Do you want to take a break?» Zelda asked timidly, clutching her neck even tighter when she felt her hold quivering.
«Of course not!» Lilith replied, her pride stupidly kicking in at the most inconvenient times. «We’re almost there.»
There was a nice log where she could lay Zelda down and rest, but no, she had to show off and keep going.
She was grateful that that feisty little thing she had in her arms had finally decided to stop kicking and protesting, accepting that her ankle was in no good condition to support even half of her weight and, after a few minutes, she had even stopped pouting. Lilith had noticed that, while angry, Zelda was enthralling, but when her face was relaxed, green eyes shining with the same color of the woods, pale skin dotted by the halos of lights seeping through the trees, she was simply beautiful; her red hair made the woman's heart thump, those lips were so inviting to taste.
Any other day, any other situation, Lilith would’ve gone for it, even risking a slap, like it often happened because she forgot to ask for which team the gal played in.
Hell, she needed to pull herself together.
Zelda deserved a little acknowledgment, especially since she was in distress and was counting on her for help.
It was certainly not the time to flirt - although, in Lilith’s opinion, it was always the time to flirt.
The brunette internally gloated when she finally spotted her cottage and, without even realizing it, she sped up her pace, fingers digging into Zelda’s side and thigh, which prompted a small whimper from her part.
«Is that your place?» The redhead asked, eyes roaming hungrily over the cottage.
«It is.» The other nodded, a proud smile curving her lips.
It was nothing special, but it was home; besides, a lonely building in the woods had its charm, she couldn’t deny that.
«I think you can put me down now. I can hop from here, while you search for the keys.» Zelda said, already loosening her clutch around the woman’s neck.
Lilith, however, didn’t slow down. Instead, she bounced her a little to secure her hold and frowned, stomping her feet to remove the dirt from her boots when she reached the parlor.
«What keys?» She wondered, turning over and pushing the door open with her back. She heard Zelda gasp, but she ignored it.
If only the situation was different, from the outside it could rather pass as the older woman carrying her bride through the threshold in the old fashion. Not her style… but, on the other hand, totally her style: Lilith was a fan of doing unconventional things in the conventional way.
«You don’t lock your door?»
«Why should I? We’re in the middle of nowhere!»
«Exactly!»
«Relax, Ginger.»
«Don’t call me that.»
She entered the living room and reached the kitchen in a few long strides, then kicked one of the chairs and lowered Zelda in it with a huff. Before straightening her back, she dragged another chair and carefully helped the redhead rest her injured feet on top of it.
«I’ll get my aid kit, you’ll be good here?» Lilith asked, hardly resisting the urge to shake her sore arms and get rid of the unpleasant tiredness and stiffness of her muscles - she’d do it once in the bathroom, of course, far from her unplanned guest’s gaze: she succeedingly proved herself to be a perfect hero since she threw that rock at Zelda’s attacker and carried her all the way back to her home, Lilith couldn’t let her body betray her now.
«It’s not like I can go somewhere.» Zelda spat back, jaw clenched in frustration… and not only that. She was rubbing her calf with slow motions but never reaching her ankle, so Lilith imagined she was trying to lessen the ache but was too afraid to touch the area and ignite some real pain.
Ice. She needed ice.
She backed away a couple of steps before pausing.
Tilting her head to the side, she narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms.
«You’re shivering.» She stated, her voice patronizing.
«I’m fine.» Zelda replied drily.
Lilith rolled her eyes and sighed. In a quick, swift movement, she removed her jacket and draped it over the redhead’s shoulders, glaring at the younger woman when she parted her lips, surely about to protest. It worked, because Zelda simply relaxed and curled under the jacket, a silent ' thank you' creeping shily from her lips.
The brunette took a small breath and disappeared into the bathroom, taking the kit, dampening half a towel, and going back to the kitchen almost triumphantly. Lilith had always dreamt about playing some sort of knight for a damsel in distress, but she knew, of course, that it would always remain a sort of fantasy, like girls dreaming for Prince Charming - while she, of course, dreamt of being said Prince Charming.
Today she had been proven wrong: she’d gotten the evidence that fantasies could become true and silly fairy tales were only a colorful version of reality.
Sinking onto her knees, she settled everything on the floor by the chair. She asked silently for permission, and when the redhead nodded, she carefully tried to remove Zelda’s shoes, grimacing in sympathy when the younger woman hissed.
«Sorry.» She mumbled, inspecting the swollen area and probing delicately around. It didn’t seem too bad, yet an angry bruise was already appearing on the pale skin of her ankle, spoiling it with shades of blue and purple. She let out a pensive huff and started to dab the damp towel there, removing any trace of dirt.
«Is it bad?» Zelda asked behind clenched teeth, eyes darting from Lilith to her foot.
«It’s just a slight distortion, you’ll be up and about in no time.» The brunette reassured her. «You have to rest, though.»
«Well, I didn’t have plans anyway.» Zelda sighed dramatically. «How do you know these things?»
«It happens quite a lot during hikes.» The other shrugged.
«Do you hike?»
«Not for pleasure. I mean, not solely for pleasure.» Lilith pricked the corner of her lip with her teeth, dwelling for a moment about telling what her job was, about her researches, about the multiple travels that were scheduled throughout her whole career, but then again, wasn’t it too soon? Her job was something she was passionate about, yet why would she assume Zelda could be interested? She was probably just trying to make small talks and make the situation less embarrassing. She shook her head a little and frowned. «I’ll try to be gentle.» She announced, lifting Zelda’s foot and starting to wrap her ankle tightly with a bandage.
Lilith let go of her breath at the same time as Zelda.
She was still shivering, but the brunette doubted it was due to the cold, now. She remembered how unpleasant those things were and Zelda didn’t really look like one able to endure much pain for a start.
She settled the foot back on top of the chair and stood up, marching to the fridge to retrieve some ice. Unfortunately for her, the tray was empty.
«I can take you home.» She mumbled, busying herself with finding a proper substitution. «Or I can call a taxi, whatever you want.»
«A taxi is fine.»
«This will do.» She declared, reaching into the top compartment to fish out a pack of frozen peas. She wrapped it in a cloth and went back, carefully resting it on the injured ankle. Satisfied, she took the kit once again and approached Zelda with determination, the tip of her tongue poking out as she held a ball of cotton in one hand, and iodine in the other.
«What do you think you’re doing?» Zelda flinched back in alarm, batting her eyes confused.
«You have a small cut on your forehead.» Lilith explained. «It’s not too bad, but it’s quite deep and it could get infected. Come on, don’t tell me you’re afraid.»
«Am not.» The other replied grumpily, though Lilith was forced to smile reassuringly because she wouldn’t stop backing away every time the brunette gained an inch.
With her little finger, she removed some strands of red hair from her face and cleared her throat to remind herself not to think about how soft it was, before continuing with her medication.
At the first touch of iodine, Zelda scrunched up her face and started to squirm.
Without even thinking, Lilith remembered how her tutor, Ms. Wardwell, used to soothe her whenever she got hurt as a child and, instinctively, pursed her lips and started to blow on the small wound, hoping to lessen up the stinging.
They happened to stare at each other for a moment that looked like an eternity, both puzzled, both clueless, both temporarily forgetting how to breathe or talk or get out from an awkward yet thrilling situation.
Lilith was the first one to shake herself off the odd spell and she automatically looked for a bandaid to apply.
«All done.» She said with a flimsy voice.
«Thank you, Lilith.»
The woman froze for a moment, completely mesmerized.
People said her name all the time, no nicknames, no other way to address her - just Lilith because that was what she preferred - but, somehow, it felt different. Zelda had made it sound warmer, more beautiful, so much, in fact, that something had bloomed within her. She did not want it to end.
«You know what?» Lilith said with a quivering voice. «A taxi would probably take forever to reach this place, I’ll take you home myself.»
Surprisingly, Zelda didn’t protest much.
It secretly made Lilith happy.
In the end, the redhead agreed on having tea and a cookie, complaining about the funny taste because Hilda surely would never use that combination of ingredients like those big factories - to which Lilith had to agree since, in all honesty, she’d never liked those cookies but kept buying them because her parents used to. And when the time came to actually move and at least pretend to try and take the gal home, Zelda held onto Lilith so tightly when she lifted her from the chair, that the brunette thought she would’ve never needed another jacket, considering how warm she felt on her own, right now.
In the car, they listened to some old CDs, and for the first time, Lilith didn’t feel embarrassed when she had to explain that her father made a Dolly Parton tape for her mother shortly before they had Lilith and it had stayed in their car ever since - when Lilith had been old enough to drive, she inherited the car and left everything untouched.
Zelda listened to her carefully, genuinely curious about everything she had to tell.
The brunette gasped when they reached the mortuary, and felt a little uneasy when she approached the big house carrying Zelda in her arms.
She left her on the porch, then backed away awkwardly: she surely wasn’t ready to meet the parents, nor protective siblings or such. Lilith wasn’t made for serious trysts, she was made for quick fun and no string attached, especially since she had to travel so much around the world.
No, Zelda wasn’t quite her type.
Zelda deserved better, given that, of course, she could be even remotely interested.
Besides, what a clichè, crushing for a straight girl after a couple of hours of meeting her. Oh well, it had to happen, sooner or later.
Lilith hoped she could get over it quickly, and forget something that never even started in the first place. How hard could it be anyway?
Very hard, apparently.
Lilith hadn’t stopped thinking about the beautiful damsel in distress, with long red hair and greener eyes than the trees she so much loved, that she saved five days ago in the middle of the woods.
She would wake up at midnight with her face flashing behind her closed eyelids, she would stop dead during one of her strolls because the wind had sounded like somebody calling her name; she even had to go out, one evening, while it was pouring rain, because she couldn’t stand the scent of her lotion, too similar to Zelda’s perfume.
It was hell.
Lilith tried to smack herself - physically, for the first time in her life - because she had never fallen so hopelessly and so quickly for somebody who she probably would never see again. She felt pathetic: she hadn’t even had the strength to wash her jacket yet. Each night, while cooking dinner - something pre-cooked or some nasty take-out from previous days - she would imagine Zelda’s face scrunching up in disgust and she found herself giggling on her own at the idea of some snobby comments and her sister’s cooking praises that the redhead had never spoken.
At one point, she stopped listening to her tutor’s old records because those melodies, too, reminded her of Zelda.
It was definitely hell and she was going crazy.
And yet, she thought, that too shall pass . After all, she’d gotten over dozens of breakups in her life: she could deal with a fantasy she created by herself over a girl who just happened to cross her path at the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Lilith had always believed in fate, one way or the other, but there were circumstances when one had to reason with the plain truth which, in that case, was Zelda being unreachable. Not only out of her league, but simply something that couldn’t be.
She needed to pull herself together already.
Five days were more than enough to process the death of something that never born, and since that downing in her job didn’t seem to do the trick - she’d just filled in her form to partake in the last expedition in East Europe and hadn’t felt the usual thrill of pure excitement - it was time to think of a new approach. Maybe push Zelda out of her head with the help of another cute gal to blur her out? Like it was even possible. Still, it was the only thing she could think of before going to the mortuary faking some death of a relative just to have the excuse to see and talk to Zelda so she could reject her proposal and dump her properly.
Yes, the bar. Tonight. She could wear her leather jacket- no. Back at the start.
Utterly frustrated, Lilith let her head fall on the hard wood below and let out a long, guttural sound, fingers tapping nervously on the pile of papers scattered around the table. It was then that she heard the soft knock on the door.
Frowning, she rose up, tossed away the paper that got stuck on her forehead, and marched toward the door, wondering who might it be since she wasn’t expecting any mails and her tutor had phoned yesterday to catch up with their mutual lives.
Lilith saw the blurred shape of somebody leaning closer to the glass, but she had no doubt about who that might be.
«Is anybody home?»
The sweet, tentative voice was the only confirmation she needed: Zelda.
The brunette practically sprung to the door, and she would’ve been hit right in the nose if she hadn’t moved at the last moment, her bright smile bleeding into a surprised frown when Zelda, without many ceremonies, pushed the door open and practically let herself in, even if she remained on the porch, waiting for an invitation she clearly didn’t require anymore.
Lilith gasped when, instead of an apology or a sorry face, she was greeted with a scolding little pout that quite deliciously distorted Zelda's features.
«You should really bolt your door, you know?»
«Turns out that an unbolted door is more practical when you have to carry somebody through it.» Lilith smirked back. «You never know when that might happen again.» She shrugged innocently.
«Do you often carry people through your door?»
«Not bridal style.»
Her smug expression grew when Zelda frowned deeply, as if offended. After a brief pause though, her features relaxed and, barely waiting for encouragement, she let herself in, green eyes wandering once again around the living room, making Lilith feel surprisingly exposed. It wasn’t the first time Zelda was there, yet somehow, the brunette felt like every little detail of her life was on display: the records, her untidy papers, her liquor cabinet, the dirty dishes sitting in the sink, her shoes and boots thrown on the floor.
«My sister sent you this.»
«Uh?» Pulled out of her thoughts, Lilith blinked awkwardly at her, then, following her gaze, she noticed the round object in Zelda’s arms, perfectly wrapped in a tartan kitchen cloth.
«I hope you like fruit tarts because Hilda insisted on me bringing you one as thanks.» Zelda explained, practically shoving the pie into Lilith’s hands. «You know, for bringing me home, and the ankle thing, and for saving me from-» Her breath caught.
«Don’t mention it.» The brunette smiled warmly at her, guessing that it might be weird - not to use any other expression - to talk about a barely avoided aggression.
Zelda returned the smile gratefully and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, exposing her forehead. Instinctively, Lilith lifted her gaze, determined to check the scratch’s healing, but instead of a pink mark on the mend, she found a yellow band-aid with ducks all over it and, despite herself, she giggled.
«That’s cute.» She justified herself, when Zelda threw her a glacial stare. «Looks very good on you.»
«The scratch is barely visible, but my nephew insisted.» The redhead closed her eyes and sighed dramatically. «It’s very hard to say no to him. Besides, nobody can really see it- except when I forget about it and move my hair away.»
«Well, I like it.» Lilith shrugged dismissively, an amused smile dancing perpetually on her lips now. «Should we open this? I’m quite peckish, I think I forgot to eat my lunch again.»
«Why not. I have some free time.»
Lilith apologized for the chaos and Zelda gave her a bubbly laugh, reminding the brunette that with a child around the house it was quite complicated to keep the place tidy for more than a couple of minutes, hence she was quite used to every type of mess - actually, she didn’t even consider Lilith’s mess a real mess in the first place; maybe a little disorganization, but she wouldn’t go further than that.
They freed the table and unpacked the tart while the kettle was on and a couple of cheap tea bags were freed from their wraps.
Lilith tried to recall the last time she did something similar with someone different from Mary Wardwell. Not that she disliked the familiar company of her tutor, but she actually never did anything quiet with her friends or partners. Something she might’ve considered boring, with Zelda, was giving her butterflies.
It was new. And dangerous.
Surely the worst way to push her out of her head.
Still, Ms. Wardwell used to say that God works in mysterious ways , and, although she wasn’t a believer like her, Lilith had learned at her expense that whatever Ms. Wardwell said, usually turned out to be true: she only needed to have faith.
«So, I’m going back to college on Monday.»
«Oh.»
She froze on the spot with two napkins balanced on the mugs, mouth open in shock, which she closed only to swallow uneasily. Brain short-circuiting, Lilith approached the table and automatically finished settling everything down.
When she was done, she huffed, blinking in confusion at the other woman, who was chewing nervously on her bottom lip, one hand thrown over her eyes, fingertips massaging her temple.
Well, perhaps she didn’t even do anything since Zelda was the one leaving.
That settled that, all solved.
«Sorry.» The redhead mumbled. «I don’t know why I said that.»
«It’s-» Lilith paused. What was she going to say? ‘Fine’, perhaps? And lie blatantly? It wasn’t fine , not even if it could actually solve all her problems and fix her pointless blues. Lilith had very rarely let others decide for her, especially for those types of things.
«I feel so stupid.» Zelda chuffed a breathy chuckle. «You probably don’t even care-»
«I care.» The other blurted out. «I mean, I thought about driving to the mortuary and checking on you, one of these days. I don’t know, socialize and make friends or whatever and now you’re leaving, and-» She stopped only to breathe, then sighed, poorly concealing her disappointment. «Well, it’s too late and I’m definitely stupid.»
«You know what?» Zelda chirped timidly. «Hilda didn’t have to do much convincing to make me come here and drop the pie to you.» She shrugged, hinted a smile. «I didn’t want to admit it, but maybe I wanted to come and say hello.»
Lilith smirked, a pleasant flutter at the pit of her stomach.
«Not too late, then?»
«I still have a few days, after all.»
The brunette felt her own face lit up, but did very little to conceal her enthusiasm.
«How about we go out on Saturday evening?»
«Sure.» Zelda agreed, pulling the closest chair and helping herself with the tea and a slice of pie. «What did you have in mind?»
Lilith quickly mirrored her, finally at ease with the positive tingling that was now vibrating through her body like electricity. She was happy.
Lilith was so happy to have the chance of having Zelda in her life, under any form and labels, that she even forgot to test the waters and assumed that it was an open invitation for her to go unhinged and draw from her experienced flirting techniques - places, moves, lines, quotes - she had it all down and flashing through her head in an instant. In a split second, Lilith had decided every detail that could’ve conquered Zelda’s heart.
Lilith just forgot to take into account that, maybe, Zelda’s heart wasn’t meant for her to conquer.
«Dana’s? I don’t know if you’ve heard of it... it’s in the outskirts of town.»
Zelda bit happily into her slice of pie, never lifting her gaze when she chuckled.
«Isn’t that the dyke country bar?»
Lilith’s vision shattered right in front of her eyes. Her excited smile dropped in favor of a grim expression. She was hurt, but mostly she was mad at herself because she had it coming, acting so recklessly.
«Uh, yeah.»
Slowly, Zelda’s head lifted up. Lilith was watching her face etched with horror, but not the negative type, she seemed rather horrified of herself. Her throat bubbled up and down as she swallowed, her green eyes widening as her jaw dropped, broken words chasing incoherent gasps as she tried to utter something.
«I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I-»
Lilith could see the cogs working in Zelda’s brain, she could see them putting all the little pieces of the puzzle together, finally discovering the brunette’s true nature. Still, she couldn’t see the sparkle of disgust or deprecation that would often appear on people’s faces. Maybe Zelda was just polite or better at hiding her feelings than others.
«It’s okay.» She assured. «We can go wherever you want. It’s not a date or anything… I can be a very good friend, you know.» When Zelda let out a small breath, the other smiled warmly back. «I promise I won’t bite.»
It was better than nothing. Besides, being Zelda’s friend could make her open her eyes and let her see that they weren’t meant for each other, after all.
Zelda didn’t immediately answer. She paused, frowned for a moment, then breathed out a sigh, her face lighting up with something in between eagerness and curiosity.
«No. I want to go to your bar.» She asserted, eyes sparkling with determination. Her red hair slid over her shoulders as she moved. «It’s the nineties, right?»
Lilith gave her a single nod and, finally, allowed herself to take the first bite of the tart. She hummed: it was delicious.
«Right.»
It came out before Lilith could even think of what she was saying “Can I drive you to the station on Monday?” and Zelda had agreed right away. The brunette had the feeling neither of them knew what they’d gotten themselves into.
Now, as she walked silently, the train tracks on one side and Zelda with her suitcase on the other, Lilith’s head was flooded with bittersweet images of the other night: them at the bar, talking, drinking, listening to soft country music, dancing…
Just because she didn’t want to make it look like a date, she gave Zelda the exact directions and met her at the bar. She’d waited for her outside, casually leaning against her old, rusty car, the heel of her boot already keeping time, head slightly bobbing down to the catchy rhythm that poured from inside.
When she arrived, Zelda looked visibly embarrassed, so the brunette rushed to her to offer any type of support. She pushed her red hair behind her ears and even if it was past sunset, Lilith could see the lovely shade of pink on her cheeks, growing even darker when she confessed that she didn’t know what to wear, so she opted for something casual. Little did she know that jeans and a shirt were the perfect outfits for that kind of bar; actually, if it weren’t for the boots, they were even matching. “Perfect”, Lilith had told her; “you’re perfect”. And beautiful , but she didn’t dare to say that part.
They talked a lot about various things, but Lilith couldn’t recall even one: all she remembered was Zelda - her face, her smile, her laugh, the way she sat on the stool, the way her eyes shone to the dim lights and her brow creased as she tried to remember where she’d heard that song before, even the way she drank.
Lilith had to make sure she had the right amount of beer in her system before she could convince her to dance. Zelda wasn’t drunk, of course, just reasonably carefree and still in all her capacity to drive back home. Group songs were playing, all the girls were dancing, and she spent at least twenty minutes teaching the redhead the steps before she let Lilith drag her on the dancefloor.
They only had five minutes to put into practice Lilith’s teaching, because, soon enough, the music changed, the group disbanded, and another type of song started to play.
Without saying anything, Zelda started to go back to their spot at the counter, but Lilith had grabbed her wrist and pulled her back. They locked eyes for a moment and, the next, they were hugging with the excuse of dancing close because the song demanded it; swaying together, Zelda’s arms around Lilith’s neck and the brunette’s hands resting gently on the other’s hips.
Without even noticing, she was mumbling the words of the song, close to Zelda’s ear. With her nose so close to her neck, every breath was laced with the sweet scent of her perfume. Oh, how easy would’ve been to kiss that pale skin of hers, maybe daring more, just like the other girls dancing around them.
“ ...’Cause we both know, that I’m not what you need- ”
“Did you say something?”
“No.” Lilith startled, clearing her throat and playing innocent.
She really hoped Zelda hadn’t heard her singing that part. Damn Dolly Parton and her songs, always right about something in her life - it was a curse...
«Man, I never bring my family to the station because I hate goodbyes,» Zelda’s voice pulled the brunette abruptly out of her swirl of memories, «I thought it would be easier with you.» She huffed, then she gave the hint of a smile. «Keep in touch?»
Lilith stood there, gaping at her.
In all the hours spent together at the bar, she hadn’t had the guts to tell her that she’d have to leave for Romania in a couple of weeks and God knew when she would be back. Of course, she couldn’t write letters to the mortuary because Zelda’s family would’ve asked questions she was probably not too keen to answer, besides, who told Lilith that she could even access a phone during an expedition and cellphones were so rare that she even doubted- wait, oh hell no .
«Hey!» Lilith yelled. «I don’t have your number!»
Too late, she realized she must’ve zoned out again and, right under her nose, Zelda had grabbed all her belongings, hopped on the train, and occupied her seat.
Doors sealed, the brunette spotted the window closer to her sliding open.
«Ginger!» She called.
Her soft laugh blended with the loud horn and the hiss of the engine.
Zelda simply waved at her from the window, a mischievous grin flashing through the mass of wild locks swirling in chaos all over her pretty face because of the wind, as the train slowly picked up the pace along its trails.
A blessed, haunting image that would’ve flashed in her head every day, for years, right a moment before she woke up. Sometimes, Lilith didn’t know if she saw it for real, or was it just the sweetest vision wishing her good morning.
10 Years Later
Her coffee was surely cold by now, the sugar completely melted, but Lilith kept stirring it.
Sitting alone in the boot of a diner, she felt guilty about going into town for a moment alone, eager to escape one of Mary Mardwell’s aggressive sessions of gardening; but now that she was there, she wished she was back at her tutor’s cottage. That old woman was one of the reasons she was back from her last expedition in Siberia - they made her go back because her toes were turning irreversibly black - but after spending so much time in the world, sometimes the woods and the cottage felt too cramped. She needed people, she needed chaos… but now that she was with the people and in the chaos, she missed Ms. Wardwell the most, and the thought of her swaying on her rocking-chair on the porch, waiting for her with her arms full of freshly-cut roses just broke her heart.
Still, she needed time to herself, to collect her thoughts. All her life she’d been a good kid, always doing the right thing, following her tutor’s education, and although she’d always been a free spirit - poor Ms. Wardwell - she always tried to behave. When she grew old enough to live by herself in her parent’s house, she tried to visit her tutor often, sometimes even spending days or weeks at her cottage. After all, until she’d find her own, that was home.
Her tutor had sensed something was off after two days. Lilith had never kept anything from the woman, not intentionally, but her last woes were something that nobody could fix, especially not Mary Wardwell, especially not when her mind kept playing tricks with her, making her remembering things that the brunette wasn’t sure she wanted to remember at the moment, like the time she came out to Mary.
It was an evening like many, they were sitting by the fire with chamomile in their hands, the old woman in her chair, glasses perched on the tip of her nose and her copy of the Bible on her lap. Lilith had forgotten the scalding pain of the burning china against her palms when she blurted out: “I’m gay, Ms. Wardwell.”
The old woman blinked at her over her glasses, turned her face to the couch where Lilith was sitting, and gave her a peaceful smile.
“I’m happy too, buttercup.” She said in her thick Scottish accent that Lilith had never quite caught on, then proceeded to boop her nose like she used to do when Lilith was a child, clearly not sensing the anxiousness in her voice.
“No- I mean,” The brunette huffed in frustration, pulling away from the gentle touch rather abruptly. She looked at her tutor dead in the eye and took a breath. “I mean, I’m a homosexual.” She waited.
Mary Wardwell stared dully at her, then, after a long pause, Lilith watched her brow crease.
“Is that thing where ye dinnae eat meat?”
“No? That- is another thing entirely.” She stammered, never being so confused in her life.
Quickly, the brunette tried to think of another way to explain; sure it was something so out of the ordinary for a person like her tutor, but still, she presumed that Mary would understand quicker, and make it less painful for everybody.
“Good.” The old woman finally stated. “Because I made yer favorite for tomorrow’s lunch: beef stew and stuffed tatties .”
No, that wasn’t going anywhere.
Abandoning her chamomile on the coffee table, she threw herself on her knees and scooted closer to Mary’s chair; she took those familiar, veiny hands in hers and looked up at the woman with pleading eyes.
“Ms. Wardwell, do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Aye, dearest.” Another peaceful smile. Neither of them heard the Bible topple on the floor. Her tutor slid her hand from underneath Lilith’s and patted her cheek lovingly. “Just dinnae bring any girls who dinnae eat meat to my cottage, ‘cause I wouldn’t ken what to cook.” She quipped, then leaned forward to press a kiss on top of Lilith’s head, making her feel little again, just forgave after mischief. “I love ye , buttercup.”
“I love you too, Mary.”
It was one of the fondest memories she had.
And, unluckily, one of the most haunting ones, because now that her job was rewarding in so many ways and everything was settled about who she was with the most important person in her life, she felt that it was time to extend that privilege to another woman.
But who, since Dana’s closed and the women from Riverdale only seemed a bunch of lunatics? Her multiple expeditions around the globe offered her so many options, but none of them were ready to move across the world into a small town like Greendale, because, one thing for sure, Lilith wanted to live there.
The more days passed, the more she felt like a hopeless case: maybe she was simply destined to live alone and become like Mary Wardwell, maybe taking a girl under her wings when she would be too old to travel and learn how to gardening surrounded by a bunch of kittens.
Lilith grimaced down at her own coffee and shivered in disgust.
It was the soft chime of the bell that made her lift her head. She didn’t know why she did that, at that moment - a dozen customers had come and gone from the diner since she sat in her boot and nobody made her even flinch - but she did, and, like in a vision, she saw her: Zelda.
She was wrapped in a crème coat, and her hair, as red as Lilith remembered, was resting on her back, perfectly curled at the ends. Simply gorgeous.
The brunette opened her mouth to speak, but she froze when she noticed what she was holding in her hand: another smaller hand, attached to a little girl’s body; red dress, elegant shoes, and with hair as yellow as corn, she was looking up at Zelda adoringly, gently swaying on the spot.
Lilith sagged against the boot and exhaled heavily.
Of course. Of course, Zelda would marry and have kids.
Anyone with eyes would’ve spotted her beauty and, with all the luck the universe could grant a mortal, have the privilege to call Zelda their own.
Oh, she would’ve killed the mysterious lucky bastard with her bare hands if she only had the chance.
No, Lilith would’ve killed herself first because she hadn’t had the courage to go for it and give herself a chance when she had the occasion - sure, she hadn’t got any number, but there were so many ways to reach her if she’d only tried hard enough.
Now she would’ve had to live forever with the greatest regret.
In silence, she watched them order a soda and a cookie, then a man entered the diner with two other girls holding his hands. The three children seemed to have the same age, around six or seven years old, but then again, Lilith had never been good at guessing people’s age, especially kids.
Zelda waved friendly at the incomers, then bent down to level her eyes with the blonde girl’s and booped her nose affectionately, making the child giggle.
Lilith felt her heart skip a beat at the familiar image.
«Be a good girl and listen to Mr. Walker, alright?»
«I promise to behave, don’t you worry.» The kid assured her with perfect diction, despite her young age.
«Aunt Hilda will pick you up at seven.»
The girl nodded her head, then threw her arms around Zelda’s neck and kissed her cheek sloppily. It was the redhead’s turn to giggle.
«I love you!»
«I love you too, darling.»
They waved at each other, then Zelda turned around to finish her soda - which she gulped down as though it was whiskey - and fished in her purse to probably retrieve her wallet.
Lilith thought it was her chance to not waste another occasion. She couldn’t have Zelda walk past her a second time without her even noticing. Screw the husband or whatever.
«Ginger!» She blurted out before Lilith had even connected her brain to her mouth.
The redhead turned around with a glare, lips tightened into a grim expression before her eyes could focus on Lilith, then, her features softened.
Disbelief, at first, then happiness spread on her face in tandem.
«Lilith?»
The older woman slowly lowered her harm - did she really waved like a fool? - and set her lips into a hesitant smile which, she hoped, wouldn’t look too creepy.
«Hi.» She murmured dumbly, but she had no time to mentally smack herself: Zelda was marching her way, hips swaying, heels hitting the polished floor.
She stopped in front of the table and her green eyes followed Lilith as she rose up from her seat.
«Goodness!» She smiled. «I haven’t seen you in-»
«Ten years.» Lilith interjected, then shrugged. «More or less.» She added. The brunette didn’t want to look so desperate, but there was no more or less : it was exactly ten years since they parted at Greendale train station.
«Wow, you look-» Zelda took a small breath and tilted her head. She looked sad, somehow, but Lilith couldn’t be sure. «You look great.»
«You don’t look bad yourself.» The other replied with a small chuckle. She thought about asking her out right away, but then again, she couldn’t ignore what she saw, she couldn’t pretend that life had stopped for the both of them, she couldn’t presume Zelda would’ve thrown away her life like in the movies. «I saw the cute girl,» she said, «was that your-»
«Niece? Yes.»
It was Zelda’s eagerness to surprise her. Well, that changed everything: if that little girl was Zelda’s niece, then she was still in the running. In a blink, she glanced at her left hand and saw no rings whatsoever on the designated finger - same on the right, which could mean that not only was there no husband but no boyfriend either. All theoretical, of course.
«Niece.» She echoed. Zelda nodded, pricking at her bottom lip with her pearly-white teeth. Always the teaser, at least something hadn’t changed, just like the fact that Lilith didn’t like the long way around, rather going straight to the point. «So, you’re not married?»
She sat back in her boot and patted the table in front of her, inviting the redhead to take a seat. The other paused, seemed to consider the offer, and sat down.
«Single.» Zelda shook her head softly, never tearing her eyes off of her.
«Oh.» Lilith smirked. «That is... that is very good to know.»
Following: I'm not saying goodbye, Chapter 6 - Requiem for a Dream.