Chapter Text
Sweat rolling off my brow my boots hit the pavement like thunder cracks. Today’s been boring as shit, my usual routine of playing Doom ruined by my mom insisting I peel myself away from the house for once. As if there’s anything to do in this shit hole town in the hellish heat of the fucking desert during summer
I chose to walk to the corner store and grab some Slim Jim’s and a coke, my nerves immediately fraying amongst the chip aisle when I hear some dumbass jocks try to flirt with the cashier. Fucking idiots. I’ve been at Columbine for 2 years so far and it already feels like an endless garbage dump. Those mindless morons come after us like wolves feeding on prey, constantly ragging on me and my friends for our music, our looks, or the fact that we don’t have girlfriends. Calling us fags and shit. As if they’d get any tail if they didn’t play sports
Stopping at my mailbox to take a sip I feel a warm breeze glide over the hair on my arms, ruffling my shirt as it passes by. I close my eyes, sucking in a deep breath as I let the ice cold soda slide down my throat. From my left I hear music, the chords of a piano flowing out of the house next to mine. The entire structure vibrates from the deep reverberation of the notes
My legs move on their own, my attention magnetically drawn to the sound as I step into the space between our homes. Cautiously I lean down, peering into the large window to scan the expansive room it’s attached to. It’s a basement much like my bedroom, although theirs is staged with a sturdy couch and wool rug in the corner and some sort of thick black material covering the majority of the walls. A substantial amount of musical instruments and equipment stands housed within the space
Perched front and center before me is Stephanie Gray, my neighbor of over 3 years. She sits poised, back straight as her fingers nimbly press onto the black and white keys of her fancy grand piano. The massive instrument dwarfs her, intimidating but impressive in it’s expert craftsmanship
I’ve seen her around as we come and go from our respective houses, sharing idle chit chat on our walk to and from our front doors. Most of the time though I pass by her as she stays situated endlessly in the band room at school. I steal curious glances of her in those fleeting moments when I glide by on my way to lunch or after school in my rush to find my friends. I always tell myself to keep going, don’t stop. I want to be undeterred in my goal to appear like I don’t give a fuck. It doesn’t work, the sight and sounds of her playing always snaps me out of my thoughts. It’s as if I have no choice but to slow down, my walk becoming a shuffle at my intrigue of the gentle melodies she plays. It’s not anything like what I usually prefer, the loud raucous fuck you music that gets me hyped. At first I tried to dismiss it, my usual “keep moving Harris that shit’s for pussies” attitude attempting to take hold. No such fucking luck though. My body always disobeys me every time, stopping with rapt attention against my will whenever I catch her playing
Suddenly her head swivels, her face turning slightly to the left as her eyes meet mine
FUCK FUCK FUCK
I just got caught peeping in at her. I shove myself away from her window as if it were on fire, my legs practically speeding me away into a blur. I’m almost out of the alley when I hear her voice
“Hey Eric!”
I stop dead in my tracks, hesitantly turning back around to look at her
“Was I being too loud?” She asks
“No. Sorry I- Never mind” I say shyly
“Where are you going?” She presses
“Back in my house.”
“So you weren’t coming to talk to me?”
Shifting my body around I awkwardly shuffle my feet, flicking my tongue out to wet my lips
“I heard you playing. I stopped to listen. That’s all.” I reply flatly
“Well you’re welcome to come in and watch me practice if you want to. I could use a fresh ear.”
Darting my eyes to the side I feel a pull of curiosity, interested to see her play up close
“Alright.” I say just above a mumble
I sidle back to the window, she gestures for me to enter. I comply, shifting myself down into the living room through the open wooden frame
“Please sit, I actually do need an opinion on this piece I’m composing.”
I oblige, settling onto the couch that sits facing the piano. I set my soda and plastic grocery bag onto the table before me, being sure to guard the varnish with the cork coasters provided nearby. She slides onto the wide bench, flexing her hands before laying them upon the expanse of piano keys
The notes begin quickly, filling the room with an upbeat pace. I fix my eyes upon her, watching her face focus intently upon her actions. Stephanie’s hands move effortlessly, as if she’s done this particular song a thousand times or more. My body slouches, the melody replacing my raw anxiety with a calming sense of peace. After a few minutes her hands slow down, the music becoming gentle and booming out of the frame of the piano one ping at a time. With a low final note she bows her head, moving her neck to look at me
“I really liked that” I say nodding
“Really? I’m so unsure about the staccato at the end, I feel like maybe it should be more legato.”
I blink, sitting forward to lace my hands together
“I don’t know what the fuck you just said.” I say with an embarrassed chuckle
She shakes her head reassuringly
“Sorry, I’m so used to only talking about this stuff with my parents. I’m saying that I don’t know if I should have it flow like this…” she says repeating a section of the song, her hands forming the notes one right after another in a smooth flow “Or like this.” Her fingers touch the same keys, this time with a sharp break between each one
“Hm. I like the second way. It makes it more interesting.”
“Ah so you like the staccato.” She says with a grin
“Guess so.”
“Do you play any instruments?” She asks, swinging her body to sit sideways on the bench
“Nah. I had one shitty clarinet lesson in middle school, when they make everyone try an instrument. Not my thing.”
“Have you ever tried piano?”
“No.” I reply shaking my head
“Want me to show you a little?”
I stiffen, my gut churning a little. My nerves suddenly tensing up again
“I don’t think I’d be any good.”
“Nobody is born an expert at piano. It takes a lot of practice. Isn’t there some skill you’ve learned that you had to really work toward mastering?”
I clear my throat, my minds eye reflecting images of the crickets and pipe bombs Dylan and I like to set off. All those dark dreary midnights we skulk around amongst the darkness
“I’m alright with a BB gun.”
“Well how about you come and learn a few notes and then I’ll learn to shoot a BB gun.” She says determinedly as she scoots over, patting the seat next to her with a smile
I sit unmoving for a moment in my confusion. She tilts her head, her tone much more pleading when she asks again
“Please? Just one bar.”
I move, standing to my feet
“We’re involving alcohol now?” I joke, getting a smirk in return as I make my way over
Sitting onto the bench I feel utterly out of place, my rough form completely contrasted compared to the elegant girl next to me
“How about you watch me and then copy what I do?” She says sweetly
“Alright.” I say unsurely
Her fingers hit a few notes, every movement slow and deliberate in her demonstration
I reach my hand out, my palm connecting to the edge as my index finger lands dead center between two keys. The piano reacts with a god awful off tune clang and I snap my hand back, my cheeks burning with embarrassment
“Fuck sorry” I exclaim
“Don’t be sorry, here.” She says, her hand reaching out to grab mine. I feel my heart begin to race a little at the contact
“Fingers curved.” she continues, bending my digits into a cupped shape “Relax your shoulders and let your arms follow your wrists.” She releases her grip, her hand coming to rest on her knee as she nods affirmatively toward me
I follow the instructions, pressing onto the piano once more. I repeat the motions she displayed, my fingers shaking somewhat nervously as I finish the last note
“Yes! That’s it! You’ll be playing Rachmaninov in no time.” She shouts out a whoop, clapping enthusiastically at me. I bring my hand back in toward my body, grinning slightly at her praise
“So I guess you’ve had a lifetime of practice huh?” I inquire
“Yeah, my dad is a guitarist and my moms a singer. She actually sang backup on the Grease soundtrack”
“Wow. So you sing too then?”
“Yeah, I’m not as good as my mom but I love singing. It’s probably my biggest passion besides piano.”
“Can I hear something?”
She becomes strangely still, her head dropping down
“Sorry.” I say shifting uncomfortably. You’re a fucking idiot Eric, what are you doing? I chastise to myself
“No! I-it’s not that I don’t want to… I just don’t usually sing in front of anyone.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I say, my heart dropping at the fuck up I’ve just caused. I begin to slide off the bench, ready to have her kick me out. Suddenly I feel her hand on my arm, a gentle but insistent grip on my elbow
“Please, don’t go. I want to give it a try.”
I turn back, returning my body to where it was. I fold my hands together and bow my head, looking toward her with my full attention
She takes a deep breath, her hands going to the piano. I watch her intently as she begins singing in the middle of total eclipse of the heart
“Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart”
My heart flutters, she’s got the voice of an absolute angel. Soft but strong, sending chills up my arms. She pings the last note, her voice trailing off at the last word
“Wow.” I say softly
“Was it good?”
“That was more than good Stephanie.”
“You can call me Steph.”
I smirk, the corners of my mouth coming up the sides of my face
“Well Steph I think you should sing a lot more often. It was cool.” I tell her
She puffs out a breath, looking relieved
“I think I will, if you’ll help me get used to singing in front of an audience first.”
“Deal.” I reply enthusiastically “But only if we actually go shooting sometime. I want that in writing.” I jest pointing to her with a goofy tilt to my head
“I’ll have my lawyer call your lawyer.” She returns, holding her hand up like a phone to her ear
We laugh, the sound of our shared glee like a symphony all on it’s own
“So tell me, what other stuff do you like to do besides shooting BB guns?” She asks
I shrug “Mostly video games.”
“Oh? What video game is your favorite?”
“Doom. I fucking love making kickass wads.” I say nodding my head
She blinks, giving me a wry smile before turning her head back to the piano. Her hands go into position, a deep exhale exiting her mouth as I look on. Her fingers press down, immediately moving at a blur as she hurls into playing the insanely fast Doom theme song. My eyes widen watching her shoulders get pulled by her hands for the rough ride. She nods her head, looking at me through the corner of her eye as she reaches speeds I didn’t know were even possible. She finishes, turning toward me with her hands raised up in a sitting bow
“Ta da” she sing songs, her head lowering briefly before coming back up to look at me. Her arms come down to rest on her thighs with a celebratory thwack against her legs
“Wow.” Is all I can muster in the moment
She giggles, coyly shrugging her shoulders
“That was fucking cool.” I continue
“Thank you. I love Doom and the music is perfect practice for allegro. Sorry-uh fast paced songs.”
My heart lurches excitedly at her statement “Wait, you play Doom?”
“Hey! Girls can like video games too you know.” She playfully scolds
“I know but finding one who actually does is…” I trail off
“What? super freakin’ cool?” She says goadingly
“Yeah. Actually, it is.” I say
In the weeks since that day we’ve made a new ritual together. I come over, climbing down into her basement in the late afternoon of almost every day to watch her play. After practice she teaches me what she can on the piano and I give it my all, still hesitant to let myself enjoy the task with my screaming insecurity. I really treasure those times with her though, truly and absolutely. Against all my anger is a desperate need, a craving for those moments with her that demands to be fulfilled. I used to be filled with nothing but spite, that pure encapsulating hate against all mankind that I thought made me who I am. But when we’re together it’s like my rage is nowhere to be found, my sense of self changed in the tender space of our connection together
I realized quickly that it wasn’t the music that set my soul at ease, it was her. Every time I’m with Stephanie I feel calm, the world around us on pause as I marvel in awe watching her get lost in her piano. I can see the beauty in the human race knowing she’s a part of it, knowing I’ve been lucky to have her come into my life. My heart has been set aflame, lit fully ablaze by all those moments that we share together
It’s all like a movie, the clear memories of us listening to music, trading our favorites back and forth. My absolute elation that she likes Rammstein, impressed when I could sing along to the chorus of Tier. The endless hours laughing and relaxing together with ease. My pride showing her my doom wads and the tickled feeling I got when she made a level just for me. That happy satisfaction that spread across her face when I commended her on the complexity of her level. Completely goddamn priceless.
In the thick of August she made good on her promise, asking to join me at Rampart Range for a session of evening target practice. I practically cheered, looking forward to it all day as my mind buzzed in the thrill of showing her one of my favorite places. We stand in the trees, her latest shot missing the styrofoam block by more than a foot. I shake my head, walking toward her. I gesture toward her elbow, it’s angle much too steep for the target she’s aiming for
“Here.” I say coming up behind her
I push her elbow down causing it to line up with her shoulder. “Both eyes open and in line with the barrel.” I tell her
Pressing my chest against her back I lean her against me, her hair brushing across my face as I guide her hip forward with my other hand. She shoots, hitting her mark as her body jerks from the recoil. I stiffen, her intoxicating scent of roses suddenly gripping me in it’s clutches. Lost in the moment I turn my face ever so slightly into her hair, covering my nose with it entirely. I take my hand off her elbow, placing it to rest on her other hip
Her posture relaxes, her arms moving as if in slow motion in discarding the gun to the ground by the strap. In my confusion I pull back a little, her tresses coming off my cheek as she moves her gaze up at me. Neither of us speak, only a deep stare being shared between us. My body is electrified, shivering down to my bones as she pushes up toward me, her heels lifting off the ground in a flex of her feet. Her eyes fall closed, lips parting open when they finally meet mine for the first time. Ethereal ecstasy. My body erupts in goosebumps, almost trembling in the new feeling. I curl into her, bringing my arms around her waist as I deepen the kiss. Her hand presses onto my cheek, a soft sigh escaping her mouth as our tongues dance together
The whole evening was like nothing I could have ever dreamed of. Our worlds became one, my body connected to hers amongst the vast blanket of stars. Two halves becoming whole, a matching set now brought together. The bond we have together became established with the heavens bearing witness. My mind traveled into pure bliss with the way she had moaned my name, the tight grip of her hand shuddering on my skin as our bodies crashed together. I entered an empyrean place where only we reside, untouched by the rest of the galaxy
I hold her close, her body slick and damp with the steamy aftermath of our passion. I stroke her arm, kissing her forehead
“Steph?”
“Mm?”
“I love you”
She looks up at me, the moon reflecting on those shimmering eyes of hers. Those tepid welcoming pools I’d happily drown in forever
“I love you Eric”
I grin, my heart full and radiating in my happiness. With her there’s so much more than I ever thought to this life. I feel renewed, as though I’ve been evolved into a version of myself I never thought possible
A man who lives in love
A man who has found happiness