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Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
Oh oh ohh, I'm on your back x
Kaidan rested his elbows on the railing, leaning out to look over the Presidium. He thought it looked pretty good considering it had gotten blown all to hell just a few months before, but also thought that it shouldn’t be surprising that they cleaned it up as much as they had. The Presidium is the sitting room, gotta make sure it’s ready for company.
The Presidium had always made him feel uneasy. It was pretty, but it oozed phoniness. Looking up at the artificial sky just made him want to go back home to Vancouver. He wanted to go crawl under the blankets in the cabin on the Sunshine Coast and breathe real air and forget that reality existed. He didn’t want to be here on the Citadel.
And certainly not today.
Garrus bumped Kaidan’s elbow and handed him a glass. “They told me it was whiskey.” The turian’s mandible flared out a little, “Sorry if it’s the wrong kind.”
Kaidan accepted it gratefully and took a larger than appropriate gulp, wincing as it burned down his throat. Definitely whiskey. “Thanks, Garrus. Appreciate it.”
His friend sipped on his own drink—something an odd shade of blue—and joined Kaidan in leaning on the railing. Kaidan glanced over at him, idly thinking about how strange it was to see Garrus in anything other than armor, but it was a special occasion. “I’d make small talk about the weather, if the weather ever changed here,” Garrus drawled. Kaidan snorted and continued drinking. “How are you holding up, Kaidan?”
What a question. How was he holding up? The person he fell in love with—head over heels and stupidly fast—went down with her ship in a violent attack while he floated away to safety in an escape pod a little less than a month ago and he now had to use up any energy and strength he had in him to remain upright through her memorial. Holding up was a laughable concept.
I’m not, he wanted to say. In reality, he wanted to scream. He wanted to flare so hard and so bright that he sheared the station in half. But that’s not who he was—not anymore. And if he was truly being honest with himself, all the self-medicating wasn’t really him anymore either, but at least it wouldn’t hurt anyone else. “I miss her, Garrus.” It wasn’t a strong enough word to convey the pain in his chest, but it was the only one he could manage.
Garrus nodded solemnly and tapped his talons on his glass. “I know. I…” he trailed off, clearly not knowing what to say to Kaidan. Garrus knew about him and Alice—most of the team did, really—the three of them had been thick as thieves on ground missions. So, Garrus probably understood what Kaidan had been feeling more than most. He sighed, sipped his drink, and continued, “And if I know you the way I think I do, you’re trying to negotiate with the universe to trade places with her.”
Kaidan didn’t say anything, he just stared through the bottom of his glass. It was true. He would trade spots with her in an instant, to be dead instead of her. He didn’t want her to be on the list of people that he outlived. Losing Richie Jenkins had been hard, his was a truly senseless death. Ash’s loss was almost unbearable and he would carry that guilt until the end of his days. But now that Alice was gone… In the litany of pain that was Kaidan’s life, this one was new. He’d never hurt like this before. There was no manual to fall back on, no protocol he could look to, it was just there. Hell yeah, he’d trade places. The galaxy didn’t need Kaidan Alenko. It needed Alice Shepard.
Garrus swirled the dregs of his drink around his glass, “Even if you could trade, Kaidan, the pain wouldn’t stop, it would just move around. She’d be the one out here, staring off into the middle distance, wishing she’d could trade with you.” Kaidan knew it was true and felt a stab of shame at his selfishness. He didn’t want to be dead—at least, not in the making active plans sort of way—he just didn’t want her to be gone. “Shepard would have never forgiven herself if you, or Joker, went down with the Normandy. She did what she thought was right.” Another shard of shame lanced into Kaidan’s heart at the mention of Joker. He hadn’t spoken with him in weeks. Not since he lost his temper and flared, throwing a table clear across the room, scaring the piss out of the pilot.
**********************
They’d been picked up by the SSV Manila, the closest ship to the Terminus systems that could answer the mayday. Kaidan had moved in a nightmarish haze, caught between trying to do his duty as the ranking officer among the rescued crew—coordinating medical attention for them with Dr. Chakwas, taking headcounts, giving reports—and looking for Alice and Joker with every new pod brought aboard. Come on, where are you? Whatever had put the nail in the Normandy’s coffin had also damaged the comms on the bridge pod, so he couldn’t get more than a confirmation that the pod had launched. Dr. Chakwas had just gotten him to slow down for a half a minute so she could clean the cut on his forehead that had reopened when he heard one of Manila’s deck officers announce that the last pod was coming into the cargo bay.
Kaidan shoved his way through the crowd as the pod was opened up, Chakwas was close on his heels—bless her patience, she was still trying to treat him. The outer hatch had also been damaged in the attack, but a series of answering bangs on the bulkhead let them know that at least someone was alive in there. It was agony waiting for the plasma torches to cut through the hatch. When the damaged metal finally fell away, Kaidan let go of the breath he was holding. Joker was pulled out of the pod, cradling his arm, which sent Chakwas flying to his side and they began moving him towards the elevator to the med bay.
No one else was in the pod.
Joker lifted his eyes to meet Kaidan’s over the crowd of onlookers—verdant green to warm amber—and then the pilot looked down at the deck, letting Dr. Chakwas pull him away. Kaidan made to charge forward, but someone had caught his arm. The Manila’s CO was at his side, “Son, this is the last pod. I’ve got Admiral Hackett on the comm, he wants to speak with you.”
Hours had gone by, and Kaidan was numb from all the people that wanted to speak with him, all of the reports that he had to give. He was dead tired, but he knew it wasn’t over. There was one more report left. He found himself in front of the hatch to Manila’s med bay. Dr. Chakwas let him in, warned him that Joker had been through a lot and to be gentle.
“What happened?” Kaidan had asked, barely audible to even him. Joker didn’t look up; he had just stared down at his freshly casted arm. Kaidan could feel the anger and grief and guilt he’d been choking on since the cargo bay bubble up in his throat – he went so long without knowing and what now looked to be the truth was too much – but was trying his best to clamp it down and asked again, “Joker, what the hell happened?”
“Kaidan…” Chakwas gently called to him.
Joker’s voice was barely a whisper and he still didn’t look up at him, “I’m sorry, Kaidan. She…”
“She what?” The anger was surpassing the grief in his gut He was tired – so fucking tired and his tightly controlled demeanor was fraying.
“She put me in the pod and then… And then whatever it was that hit us came back around.”
Kaidan screwed his eyes shut and clenched his fists at his sides, trying to keep himself from flying apart.
Joker continued, voice still so small, so broken, “Hit the Normandy again. Knocked her back, the grav was gone. She got her hand on the button and then…” His voice became so thick at that point that he could barely speak at all.
Kaidan’s eyes flew open, his anger and guilt that he hadn’t been there with her had boiled into a rage he hadn’t felt in years – not feeling like himself at all, “Then what, Jeff?! And then what?! She was just GONE?!” The med bay lit up in blue as Kaidan’s control snapped and he flared. Instruments and data pads flew into the air and the table next to Joker launched into the opposite bulkhead with a deafening crash.
“Kaidan!” He had barely registered Dr. Chakwas yelling at him, grabbing at his shoulder, nor did he feel the pinch of the needle in his neck.
What he did notice was that Joker was finally looking at him, terror plastered across his already harrowed face. Another person to add to the list of those scared of him because he couldn’t control himself.
They had been friends, Joker and Kaidan. Three tours together including the Normandy. Joker had understood what it was like to be different, never treated him like a freak, which was more than he could say about a lot of other people he worked with over the years. But now his friend had looked at Kaidan like he really was a freak. Like he was a monster.
**********************
Kaidan had been a monster and it shamed him. He had noticed Joker wasn’t around with the rest of the mourners, he must have slunk out after the service. Kaidan made a mental note to send him a message later on to apologize. Don’t know what good it will do, but better late than not at all.
“Ah, Alenko! There you are.”
Kaidan and Garrus turned from the railing to see Captain—no, wait, Councilor—Anderson approaching them, flanked by a small brunette woman in dress blues. Kaidan recognized her from the funeral, she had given one of the eulogies. When Kaidan watched her steadily climb the steps up to the dais and drag her fingers across the portrait of Alice Shepard, he'd had three thoughts. One, that Alice must have gotten all her height from her father, two, that this is not how he ever wanted to meet the mother of someone he loved, and finally, that this had to have been the worst day of this woman’s life.
Both Kaidan and Garrus snapped to attention as the pair approached. “At ease, gentlemen,” Anderson said, “Hannah, this is Garrus Vakarian, he served on the Normandy with Alice. And this is Kaidan Alenko, he was her staff lieutenant.” The was in Anderson’s introduction did Kaidan’s heart in. “This is Captain Hannah Shepard, Alice’s mother.”
Captain Hannah Shepard may have been small, but Kaidan could tell just by the way she stood before them that she was a force to be reckoned with. She could probably give him a dressing down of a lifetime, and by the way she looked at him, he had a sinking feeling that she just might.
Garrus spoke first, “It is an honor to meet you, Captain. I wish it were under better circumstances.”
“Thank you, Officer Vakarian. And thank you for being here today to honor my daughter.”
Anderson turned to Garrus and clasped his hands behind his back, “Vakarian, Executor Pallin tells me that you still haven’t decided to return to your previous role or not.”
“Ah, no sir, not yet. Still figuring some things out.”
“I see.” He turned back to Hannah, “Hannah, I hate to leave you in all this, but I have to get back to the embassy.”
“I understand, David. Though, we do have to stop only seeing each other at funerals. Jos would be disappointed in us both.” She reached up and patted his arm, “I’ll come by your office before I head back to the Kilimanjaro.”
Anderson smiled softly, “I look forward to it. Hey, Vakarian, I’ve got a couple questions for you, walk with me.”
Garrus’s brow plates shifted in confusion, but he started to follow after Anderson. He turned back to Kaidan, “I’ll catch up with you later. Captain Shepard, again, it’s an honor and please accept my condolences. Shepard meant a lot to us.”
Hannah nodded her head, “Thank you. I am glad to know she was surrounded by people that cared about and respected her.”
Garrus flicked his eyes back to Kaidan in a look somewhere between sadness, pity, and total confusion before jogging off after Anderson. Kaidan felt cornered, like this was some sort of set up.
“So,” Hannah walked over and leant against the railing, focusing her eyes on the middle distance over the Presidium, “you’re Kaidan.”
Definitely a set up. Kaidan turned back around and propped his elbows back on the railing, “Yeah, I’m Kaidan.”
She sighed heavily and turned her head to look up at him, “What are you drinking?”
He looked down and noticed he was still holding the glass Garrus had handed to him, “Whiskey, ma’am.”
Hannah waved down the nearby server, “Two whiskeys, please. Neat.” The server nodded and began to walk away, and Hannah stopped them, “Actually, make those doubles.”
“Of course,” the server quickly walked away to retrieve their drinks.
“I’m sorry for your loss, ma’am.” Kaidan shifted to face Alice’s mother and noticed that they had the same peridot green eyes. Oh, Alice, I am not ready for this.
“Thank you. And I’m…” She scrubbed her hand down her face, her voice was thick, “I’m sorry for the pain you are going through, Kaidan.” The server returned with their drinks, which they both accepted with more than a little relief and drank in silence for a few long moments. “Allie told me that you were a staff lieutenant, but she left out that you were her staff lieutenant.” Kaidan huffed a small laugh through his nose.
‘My parents named me Hannah Alice and called me neither Hannah, nor Alice.’ This was not the way he wanted to learn what her mother actually called her.
Hannah continued, “But she hasn’t told me about the guy or lady she was seeing in a long, long time, so you must be pretty special. Especially, for you both to risk your careers like that.”
Kaidan rubbed his thumb in a circle around his glass. “Not sure how special I am, ma’am.”
“Hannah.”
He furrowed his brow, “I’m sorry?”
“My daughter cared enough about you to actually tell me a little bit about you and to risk tanking a career she worked very hard for. I think we can skip the formalities and you just call me Hannah.”
Oh, so this is where the bluntness comes from… Kaidan straightened his shoulders, “Ah. Well, thank you, Hannah. She…” What could he say at this point? He couldn’t tell if Hannah was angry with him or if this is just what her grief looked like. “Alice meant a lot to me. We became very close in a short amount of time. And this is not the circumstances I wanted to meet you in.”
“Did you love her?”
“I still love her.” It was the truth.
Hannah sipped her whiskey and looked back out at the Presidium, “I am glad that Allie had someone that loved her at the end.” Her forehead dropped and she rested it against her hand on the railing and let out a sigh of pure exhaustion. “Sorry, I’m just tired. I’ve buried a lot of the Shepard family, Kaidan.” Kaidan’s chest squeezed painfully. He had been hurting, but to see Alice’s mother folded up against the railing made his pain seem so small. “The last time I saw David was at my late husband’s service. Now… Now, it’s just me.”
He reached out and gingerly placed a hand on her elbow, “I’m so sorry, Hannah.”
She lifted her head and looked back up at him, “She would be sad to see you hurting, you know.” A faraway look washed over her eyes and a fond smile pulled at the corner of her mouth, “Allie was so like her father. Jos had wanted to fix everything. Circuits, omni-tools, other people’s problems. Allie did, too. It doesn’t surprise me at all that she went down trying to save a member of her crew.” A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away, “Sorry.”
Kaidan was biting back his own tears that were worrying the corners of his eyes, “There’s no need to be sorry, Hannah. I think Alice would hate that you’re hurting, too.”
“Well, then aren’t we just the pair, huh?” Hannah drained the rest of her whiskey in a few large gulps. Kaidan would have been impressed if it didn’t worry him so. “I am going to tell you the same thing I told Allie after my Jos died, okay? Remember her, do better for her, and she’ll be in your heart always. Can you do that for me?”
“I will.”
“Good.” Hannah smoothed down her jacket and set her glass on the railing, “I am very glad I got to meet you, Kaidan.”
Kaidan held his hand out to her, “I’m glad I got to meet you, too, Hannah.” Hannah batted his hand away and pulled him into a hug. She just came up to his chest.
Biting back the tears was becoming much harder.
“Thank you for coming,” she let him go and began to walk away, but then paused, “You know, she didn’t come out and say it to me, but I could tell by the way she described you, that she loved you. You’re a good man, Kaidan Alenko. She wouldn’t have loved anyone less.”
Sorrow was ready to claw its way out of his throat, “Thank you, ma’am.” Kaidan watched Hannah walk back into the bar and then downed the rest of his drink. He needed to get out of here, back into the dark quiet of his hotel room.
Maybe he’d grab a bottle of whiskey along the way…