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“It’s for your own good.”
That’s what they all said. That’s what Yunho said before putting him in the damned hospital, packing him a bag and driving him there without telling him where they were going and merely watching as the doctors dragged him away kicking and screaming with tears running down his face. He had said some awful things that day; things he hoped Yunho had forgiven but not forgotten.
It took him six months to get out of there. More like five, though, because the first month was spent resisting treatment as much as he could. Truthfully, he didn’t want to get better. It took Yunho threatening to stop visiting and for him to miss a week for Changmin to finally give in. Yunho had been the only thing keeping him going and without him it seemed that everything was for nothing. When Changmin was discharged Yunho had met him with open arms, allowing him to fall into them and cry into his shirt for a good ten minutes.
On the car ride home Changmin didn’t say a word. He stared out the passenger’s side window, tears still running down his face, but the sobs and shattered breathing had stopped. He couldn’t tell if they were tears of relief or tears of anger, anger that still lingered from the day six months prior. The sky was a light grey, the air cool and peaceful, and it rained lightly. A bitter contrast to what was supposed to be the best day of his life.
When they reached the apartment, Changmin left Yunho to bring his bag in, almost crumpling under the weight of his own skin and bones. He tried to visualize a happy place as he had been taught, but it refused to come to him. When Yunho unlocked the door Changmin went straight to the sofa to lie down. Yunho put the bag down by the front door and then sat next to him, letting him use his lap as a pillow. He ran his fingers through Changmin’s hair which had grown out in the six months where sharp objects had been banned, leaving a haircut out of the question. They remained like that for thirty minutes.
“I don’t get it,” Changmin muttered, breaking the silence that had lasted for several hours. Yunho made a light “hm?” noise, but didn’t speak, letting him know he was listening. “I’m supposed to be happy. This is supposed to be a good day for me,” he paused, the tears that were threatening to fall once more closing up his throat, “but it feels no different from any of the others. Maybe even worse. There’s this huge weight on my shoulders that I can’t shake…” he trailed off and stopped, unable to come up with the words to continue.
Yunho continued stroking Changmin’s hair, hoping the gesture was comforting and fearing that stopping would prevent him from being able to keep himself calm. “As confused as you are, you’re able to talk about it,” he told him. “You never told me anything until today. This is a step in the right direction.” He hoped his words were enough, and as much as he did so, he knew they weren’t, but perhaps they’d help Changmin follow the right path. They remained in silence for the rest of the night, Yunho remaining by his side even after he fell asleep, too afraid to take his eyes off of him.
In the weeks that followed, “a step in the right direction” also meant taking two steps back. One night Yunho caught Changmin with the medications, one bottle spilled all over the floor and another into the palm of his hand. In panic, Yunho had almost yelled, but he knew from previous experiences that that was the wrong thing to do. Instead, he talked Changmin through it, getting him to put everything back where he found it. When he asked Changmin if he took any the other had sworn he didn’t, but he made him purge for good measure, patting his back and whispering words of comfort the whole time. Changmin had fallen asleep sobbing his apologies into Yunho’s shirt that night. From then on the medications were kept in a bag which Yunho hid in a different place each day.
Another night, Changmin had gotten a hold of Yunho’s razors. Yunho had gotten lucky when he caught that. He had been wandering around the house, looking for nothing in particular, when he noticed a bathroom light was left on. He knocked on it and received no response, so he assumed it was unoccupied. When he went to open the door, he discovered it being unlocked, but what he saw on the other side of the door terrified him to the core. He had known before that Changmin had these self-destructive habits, it was part of the reason he brought him to the hospital to begin with, but knowing did not necessarily prepare him for the reality. Yunho found Changmin on his knees, blade in his left hand, blood dripping down both arms and onto the bathroom’s tiled floor. He was sobbing and had frozen the moment Yunho entered the room, frozen in shame. Yunho felt his heart leap to his throat, and for a split second he, too, was frozen. He then kneeled next to Changmin, whispering soothing words into his ear while prying the other’s fingers off of the blade and putting the now bloodied piece of metal into his pocket. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” But Changmin shook his head and continued to cry. He wouldn’t even look at Yunho as the older groped behind himself for a towel. When his fingers finally brushed against something made of cloth he pulled on it and wrapped the towel around both arms, applying pressure to try and stop the bleeding. The blood eventually soaked through the towel, not incredibly quickly, but still too quickly for Yunho’s liking. He struggled to keep his tone of voice level. “We need to go to the hospital.”
Changmin finally looked at him, shaking his head and opening and closing his mouth over and over again. No sound came out, but Yunho knew what he wanted to say. “No, no, no, no.” He knew what the other was afraid of. He didn’t want to be locked up again. Not again. Never again. Please.
“It’ll be okay,” Yunho promised, faking a smile to try and calm Changmin down. “I won’t let them take you. It’ll be okay, I promise.” It took several more minutes of coaxing before he could get Changmin to slowly but surely rise to his feet. The taller leaned against him for support, too panicked to be able to use his legs properly. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated, all the way out the door and into the car. Changmin kept his gaze fixed on the floor, once again too ashamed to look him in the eye. Yunho found his eyes flicking to Changmin every thirty seconds of the drive, making sure the other didn’t pass out or something one the way there.
When they finally arrived at the hospital, Yunho half-carrying Changmin through the doors at this point, things went to hell. When they got up to the desk, Changmin passed out, his head hitting the counter on the way down.
The following minutes passed in a blur to Yunho. He froze in panic as nurses and doctors picked up Changmin, placing him on a stretcher. They didn’t need to ask any questions as the towel fell to the ground when they moved him, putting the bleeding cuts on display for them. Yunho couldn’t breathe. They were still bleeding, how were they still bleeding? It couldn’t have been that bad; it took Changmin almost forty-five minutes to pass out. But what if forty-five minutes was just too long? What if the doctors couldn’t stitch him up in time? What if he lost him? No, no, he couldn’t afford to think that way. He couldn’t afford to think up situations that weren’t likely to happen. It wasn’t likely to happen, right? He forced himself to inhale. He didn’t know any of the facts, so there was no way for him to know that Changmin would be all right. Exhale. But he felt it in his gut. Somehow he knew. Changmin would be all right. He would. He had to be. There was no other way, no other option.
An hour passed like this, just Yunho convincing himself that Changmin would be fine, having to remind himself how to breathe the whole time. Inhale. Exhale.
The light tap of footsteps on the linoleum floor grew in volume, but only ever so slightly. When the sound ceased and Yunho saw a shadow near him, he looked up, not even aware of the fact that he had looked down. He wanted to ask if Changmin was okay, but the words caught in his throat as tears welled in his eyes. Why wasn’t the doctor saying anything? Why was their face so blank? He opened his mouth and closed it again, unable to bring himself to speak, but the question hung in the air nonetheless.
“He’s okay,” the doctor said with a gentle voice more typical of a female nurse; she probably was a nurse now that he thought about it. The doctor should stay with the patient, right? He urged her to continue speaking with his eyes. “He lost quite a bit of blood, so he’s a bit drowsy, but he’s awake now. You may come back if you’d like.” Yunho almost jumped out of his seat, barely remembering the control himself. The nurse smiled out of kindness and lead him to a room. The room looked a lot like any of the other rooms in the hospital; a bed in the center surrounded by equipment. He almost lost it when he saw Changmin there, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. His eyes blurred with tears of relief as he kneeled on the right side of the bed, noticing Changmin’s hand hanging over the edge and taking it in both of his.
“Oh, God,” he muttered through his tears. “You’re okay, you’re okay.” Changmin still wouldn’t look at him. “I was so worried, I couldn’t imagine what I would do if-”
“Don’t remind me,” Changmin grumbled.
Yunho took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry...just...without you, I-”
Changmin cut him off again. “You’re not the one who needs to apologize.” His eyes were fixated on a certain spot above his head as he continued to refuse to look at Yunho. “What I did…” he trailed off, obviously struggling for the words to continue.
“Don’t,” Yunho said softly. “Don’t apologize. You don’t have to.”
There was a scoff. “But I do,” he continued. “You said it yourself. I had you worried sick. I should have never put you through that. I was just...I was so scared…” He paused again, trying to swallow down his tears, but a couple slipped past the corner of his eyes. “They told me that if I didn’t do it...they’d hurt you...I..I didn’t want to but...I couldn’t let you get hurt...b..because I was too weak.”
Yunho’s head snapped up. “‘They’? Who’s ‘they’?”
Changmin’s voice continued to waver as he fought back sobs, “I…I don’t know who they are...it’s a bunch of voices...I don’t know who they are, I can’t tell...it’s like an entire crowd speaking in perfect synchronization.” He broke down, sobbing and covering his face with the crook of his arm. “Y..Yunho...I was so scared...I...I am scared…”
Yunho felt so helpless in that moment. He cared about Changmin more than anything, and would do anything to help him fight his inner demons. but what could he do when they were somewhere he couldn’t go? He wiped up his own tears, trying to look as brave as he good for the younger one. This wasn’t fair, they’d already been through a lot, and it killed him to see Changmin suffering so much more. If it were him, maybe he’d be able to carry the load. If it were him...he shook away the selfish thought. Whether or not he could handle it, it was not his burden to bear. It was Changmin’s, and he was going to help him every step of the way. He moved his hand to Changmin’s shoulder, gently squeezing it. “I talked to the doctor earlier…He mentioned something about looking into getting you professional help. I was going to wait until you were discharged to talk about it, and I have no intention of forcing you, but if what you said is true then we should at least look into it.” He struggled to keep his voice level.
For several minutes, there was no reaction from Changmin, no sound but the continuation of his sobs. Yunho didn’t remove his hand from his shoulder, hoping that his touch could give the slightest bit of comfort. Eventually, Changmin looked up and wiped his face, sniffling a bit, before nodding. “I guess I have no choice at this point,” he muttered.
“You always have a choice,” Yunho told him, pulling him close and letting him bury his head in his shirt. He stroked his back and held him tightly, afraid to let go.
Changmin pulled away and looked at him with red and swollen eyes. “Can I go home?” he asked, still sniffling.
Yunho shook his head. “I’m sorry.” He immediately felt guilty as Changmin’s lip quivered as if he was going to burst into tears again. “They have to watch you for a few days.” He felt even worse as he saw the tears welling up in Changmin’s eyes until the younger finally blinked and let them spill over. “Hey, hey,” Yunho said gently. “It’s okay.”
Changmin shook his head. “No, no. It’s not.” His voice was choked up and Yunho was prepared for the break. He stroked Changmin’s arm, letting his hand linger at the wrist, realising he was the other’s only support in this moment. Changmin gripped his shirt tightly. “They’re going to lock me up again. They’re going to make me go back. They’ll run more tests, they’ll-”
“Hey,” Yunho grabbed him by the shoulders. “Look at me.” Changmin hadn’t even noticed his gaze had gone to the ground. It took him a couple minutes to get his head up to look at Yunho, and even then he couldn’t look into his eyes. Yunho was patient and accepted this effort. “Listen,” he told him. “They won’t make you do anything you’re not comfortable with,” Changmin opened his mouth to protest but Yunho kept talking, “and you’re going to have my support. I’m going to visit you every day.”
The last sentence got Changmin’s attention. “Promise?” he asked.
Yunho nodded. “I promise.” It was a small task, but he knew it would mean the world to Changmin, and it’s not like he didn’t want to check up on Changmin himself just because he cared so much. “Can you smile for me?” Changmin glanced at him and the corner of his mouth twitched, but nothing more. Yunho didn’t push him, he knew the other was struggling. He held the other closely, hoping the contact would help him illustrate to Changmin that he really did care. He held Changmin more dear to his heart than anyone else. They remained that way for almost an hour before Yunho heard Changmin’s breathing even out and realised the younger one was asleep.
“I want to kill myself,” Changmin mutters, merely a week after being discharged.
Yunho immediately sat up, putting down the book he was reading without marking his page. “Excuse me?” The only response he got was silence. He couldn’t tell what got into him at that moment, but he stood up rather abruptly, stalking over to the couch on which Changmin had reclined. He grabbed the other by the wrist, and pulled him up. He felt a slight twinge of guilt as Changmin winced at the touch but that didn’t stop him from making the younger follow him out of the apartment.
He took him up the stairs, only stopping twice to look over his shoulder, but other than that he moved with a purpose and didn’t halt his progression until they found a way onto the roof. He walked to the edge and looked back at Changmin who had stopped dead in his tracks. “Wh...What are you doing?”
Yunho only beckoned him forward and said, “Come here.” His voice was stern. He rarely raised it, and Changmin didn’t want to hear it when he did, so he did as he was told despite how confused he was. He stopped several inches from the ledge, but Yunho reached out a hand and pulled him up. He swallowed nervously as he willed himself not to look down, although this caused him to inevitably do so. When he did, he realised that the concrete several stories below was not half as tempting as he thought it would be. Yunho didn’t say anything, and it was driving him crazy.
“Wh...why…?” He gave Yunho a piercing glare and felt his voice raise. “Why would you do this to me? Are you crazy?!” He took a step backwards to get down but Yunho kept the hold on his wrist. “I can’t believe you! Let me down!” The older man didn’t budge. “If you don’t let go of me, I’ll...I’ll do it!” Yunho still didn’t look at him or open his mouth in protest, almost as if he knew something Changmin didn’t. “One…” Changmin tried to brace himself. He could do this. He would. “Two…” He closed his eyes and took in a breath. He opened his mouth to get to the final count, but it never happened. Instead he tore himself from Yunho’s grip and stepped back off the ledge while the other stood there calmly. “You knew! You fucking knew!” He clenched his fists and his jaw and bore holes into the back of the other’s shirt with his eyes, but there was still no response. “You knew I couldn’t do it and you still-!”
“No,” Yunho corrected, miraculously able to still keep his composure. “I didn’t know.”
“Then why did you…?!” Changmin was furious, and he felt as if he had every right to be.
Yunho finally turned and stepped off the ledge, approaching him slowly. “How did you feel?” He reached out to try and comfort him but his hand was brushed away.
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?!”
“You seemed pretty determined a couple minutes ago.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!”
It seemed that Changmin had finally struck Yunho’s nerve. “‘What is that supposed to mean?!’” he repeated. “Well, you did just announce an interest in wanting to kill yourself!”
“What’s it to you?” Changmin seemed determined to keep Yunho at it, after finally getting some kind of response after all these weeks.
“What’s it to me? What is it to me?” He seemed exasperated, lost for words. “What would I do without you, I-”
Changmin cut him off with a laugh. “That is the single most selfish thing I’ve ever heard leave your mouth.”
Yunho was taken aback. “Selfish? Excuse me, but I-”
He raised his hand, cutting him off again. “It’s great that you care and all,” he began, “It really is, but let’s be real here.” He paused to take a breath and get his thoughts together. “You don’t want me here simply because of that. You don’t want me here simply for the reason that you enjoy my presence,” he continued despite the fact that Yunho kept trying to open his mouth to protest. “You want me here because you don’t want to be alone. You’re afraid of a world without me because you think it’d be darker. Well, guess what: the sun is still going to rise when I’m gone, is it not?” Yunho nodded, reluctantly. “The world is going to continue to turn. Sure, you’ll be upset, maybe for a while, but even your life is going to go on. Your life isn’t going to stop just because I’m not in it, as a matter of fact there is no way that you can afford to let that happen. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise. You saying that you can’t live without me is just some sick manipulation tactic to try and keep me at your side so that you yourself feel secure while I continue to suffer.”
“Son of a bitch,” Yunho muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose before looking Changmin in eyes. “Maybe I am selfish, but you know what? It’s because I have faith in you. It kills me to see you suffering, but I know that there has to be other ways to get through it than this.” He took a breath and paused for a few more moments. “You never did answer my question.”
“What question?”
“What did you feel?”
Changmin muttered, “I didn’t feel anything.”
“We both know that’s a lie.”
“Fine,” he said, biting his lip. “I...I felt angry. Angry with you. I don’t know why you made me get up there when I wasn’t going to do it to begin with.”
Yunho didn’t want to push Changmin farther than he would go, but he felt like he could at least do so a little more. “And I’m curious as to why not, because you showed keen interest in doing so right before I dragged you up there.”
“I just...I didn’t want to…”
“Want to know why?” Yunho tried to close the gap between them, but Changmin was still rather uneasy and kept a good foot of distance between them. The younger nodded in compliance despite the tears brimming in his eyes that he was making a conscious effort to hide. The following words would echo in Changmin’s head for weeks to come.
“You still have something to live for.”
Yunho didn’t understand. Changmin had seemed to have been doing better. It had been three months since his slip up, and he hadn’t had one since. He was smiling, laughing. He was comfortable around Yunho again, and while the same couldn’t be said around everyone else, it was a start. They were just starting to get off on the right foot again, what could have gone wrong? Clearly there was something he didn’t account for. If he had prepared for everything...what was it that he missed?
He had fallen asleep with Changmin in his arms, the younger resting his head on his chest, using it as a pillow. He woke up to find them in the same position, which was fine, they didn’t tend to move around a lot when they slept. He moved Changmin over a little so he could get up and browse what little they had left in the fridge, making note that they’d have to go on a grocery run. It was when he returned with a glass of milk that he realized something was amiss. Typically when he got up, Changmin would slowly wake up afterwards, and at this point would be laying in a state of drowsiness halfway between consciousness and unconsciousness. He put the glass of milk on the bedside table and kneeled next to Changmin.
“Hey…” he whispered, prodding him gently with his hand. “You should get up now...it’s almost 10…we got to sleep in today…”
Nothing.
“Changmin…” he was concerned now. Was he sick? He touched the back of his hand to the other’s forehead, and instead of warmth he was met with cold. Now he could panic. “Come on,” he said, a bit more sternly. “Please.”
He decided he would give him a bit more rest and try again later, so he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, which is when he realized his error. The bag he kept Changmin’s medicine in was spilled on the floor, all three containers inside empty. His heart jumped to his throat. Changmin didn’t take all of these, did he? He rushed back to the bedroom and looked at Changmin again. Was he breathing? Or was he just seeing things? “Changmin,” he muttered, trying to keep his panic under control. “Changmin, please wake up.” He nudged him a little. “Come on. I know it’s hard, but you have to get up.” No response. “I won’t make you do anything else today if you just get up.” He tried nudging him again, and still nothing. He found a crumpled piece of paper in Changmin’s left hand and pried it out a bit too easily. His eyes scanned over it, but he was numb to its contents. He had to read it a second time in order for it to truly register. He wanted to scream and cry so badly, and a few tears did roll down his cheeks. Fuck, it hurt. It hurt like hell and it stung like an open wound.
What went wrong? What could have triggered it? He could’ve stopped it if he had just been paying attention. Fuck. He took Changmin in his arms and held him close, letting his head rest on his chest, and he sobbed. He let his sorrow-filled cries rack his body and turn his throat raw, not caring how loud he was. No one would hear, and if they did, he wouldn’t let them in. He tried to read the note again, but only got so far before crumpling into a ball in his hand and crying even harder than before. He waited until he could breathe before trying again. He tried to wipe the tears from his face but despite the end of his sobs they just kept coming.
He picked it up to read again and put it back down almost immediately, letting out a wail that ended in a mixture of coughing and the continuation of his sobs. It wasn’t fair. How could Changmin leave him like this? They had gotten so far, done so much, why would he do this when things were starting to get better?
He tried to read the note again but the initial shock would not go away. He took in a deep breath. Maybe if he called someone? A close friend? But they’d probably call an emergency number. He could just call them himself? But they’d take Changmin away from him for sure. He dialed the first number he could think of. A phone started buzzing on the bedside table. Changmin’s phone. He hoped that this would get Changmin to come to his senses. It went to voicemail and the tears started up again.
“Changmin…” he muttered. “It’s Yunho...you’ve gotta get up...Please wake up...please…” His voice trailed off and he hung up, giving up. He took in a deep breath and let his head hang. That was it. Changmin was gone. Just like that. He sighed, failing once more to swallow his tears. He laid down, adjusting himself and Changmin so they were in the same position they had slept in the night before. He wouldn’t leave this position until two days later, when someone realized they hadn’t heard from either of them in that time.
“Yunho,
I know this is sudden. You’re not going to like it. You’re probably really upset. You are really upset. I figured the least I could do is explain what happened.
I started hearing the voices again. They told me to do it...they said they’d hurt you if I didn’t. I know you and the doctor both told me they can’t do anything, but the threats were so real. I got scared. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But you’re stronger. You can do without me. It’ll be okay, I promise. Your life will keep going even without me in it. And just in case you didn’t believe me, I flushed the pills I didn’t take so you didn’t do something stupid. If there’s one thing you could do for me, it’d be to live your life. You’re allowed to be sad, but...don’t let it control you. I love you and I’m sorry it had to come to this.
It’s for your own good.”