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There’s not much to it, Taeyong supposes.
The room is empty save for two mugs standing on the bare dinner table, the chairs already disassembled and waiting for him in the truck downstairs. Taeyong doesn’t know how long those mugs have been there — the days have started to blur together into one big day in which Taeyong tries to take naps whenever he can.
The couch is gone, the television safely wrapped and packed into its own box. The cozy rug Taeyong found in a thrift store one day is gone, thrown in the trash alongside many other things Taeyong has had to part with. The sun beams down on the hardwood floors Taeyong used to love, but now remind him of things he shouldn’t think about according to his therapist.
Looking at the boxes makes Taeyong’s heart clench in his chest, tears brimming at his eyes once more. He clenches his hands, eyes finding the mugs on the damned table. He doesn’t move to clear them away. Instead, he walks away from the boxes staring back at him.
He avoids the kitchen, and walks into the bedroom with quick steps. Boxes stand across the room here, too, filled with things Taeyong didn’t want to part with even though others told him to. There’s the small elephant statue Doyoung got for him when they went to Bali together on their very first holiday after graduating from college. The trunk is broken and it’s missing one of his feet, but Taeyong wrapped it in protective paper all the same.
Taeyong twists his ring around his finger, his eyes scanning the boxes and the empty space where their bed used to be. The dust that has settled on the ground makes his heart ache, but he doesn’t bother removing any of it. He opens the door toward the bathroom, where more quiet greets him. On their first night in the apartment, Taeyong locked himself in the bathroom by accident and they spent a good thirty minutes trying to get Taeyong out of there in one piece.
Now, the door stands wide open, the tiles clinically clean and ready for the next tennant. Taeyong doesn’t know them, but he hopes the heavy feeling weighing down his chest is something that he will carry with him, not something that will stay in the apartment.
Taeyong swallows before turning away and closing the door again. He maneuvers between the boxes, counting them in his head as he goes. All of them are his — his clothes, his trinkets and pictures. Back then, Taeyong hoped that if they ever moved out of the apartment, they would move together. Double the amount of work, but also double the amount of boxes, of laughter and love.
Taeyong can imagine it now — their friends in the empty living room, sat around an empty box of pizza with beers in their hand. Wine for Doyoung, but that doesn’t sound as fun. Taeyong’s heart falls when he walks back into the living room and he finds it devoid of laughter and friends.
One tear falls down his cheek. He doesn’t move to wipe it away. Instead, he allows it to fall to the floor.
The kitchen hurts the most. Doyoung used to call it the heart of the house, and it’s the place Taeyong loved to spend his free time. Whether he was baking cookies or preparing dinner for Doyoung and their friends, Taeyong loved being there.
Now, it looks like a grim room Taeyong doesn’t want to step foot in. He stays underneath the archway leading into the kitchen, his toes touching the separation between the tile and the wooden floor of the hallway. The cabinets are empty, boxes in Johnny’s car. Taeyong closes his eyes, finding a memory of Doyoung sitting at the breakfast bar, a smile on his face as he watches Taeyong prepare their breakfast.
Taeyong loved it when Doyoung watched him cook. It was something they did, an activity for the both of them when the weeks got too hectic and both of their jobs took time out of their lives that was meant to be spent together.
Taeyong twists his ring again, opening his eyes. Another tear rolls off of his cheek and onto the floor when nothing greets him, and he sighs. His breath is shaky, and Taeyong hates it. He clenches his hands into fists, biting his lower lip until he tastes iron on his tongue.
The silence in the apartment turns deafening. A sudden urge to get out grabs Taeyong by the throat, and he walks out of the hallway and takes his keys. He has a few days left to take all of the boxes and leave, and he doesn’t intend to take everything today. He can walk to Johnny’s place — perhaps take the bus.
He doesn’t want to be here anymore.
The front door closes behind Taeyong with a loud thud. Their welcome mat is gone, the potted plant their landlord approved now living on Yuta’s windowsill. Taeyong doesn’t trust himself to take care of it, not when he can barely remember to eat. Doyoung loved that plant, the blue Cornflower nestled within growing under his caring touch.
It’s funny, really, considering the meaning of the flower.
Taeyong pushes the thought away, and walks down the hall. He counts the doors as he walks past, twisting the ring on his finger every time he leaves a door behind. When he reaches the stairs, Taeyong moves down them with an ease that grew while they lived here. On their first day, the both of them weren’t prepared for the five sets of stairs. Now, Taeyong doesn’t even feel it when he reaches the ground floor.
He leaves the building behind him, and moves without thinking. Before he knows it, Taeyong has made his way into the park close to the apartment. Doyoung used to take him whenever they had time and the weather was nice, a blanket and sandwiches enough to fill an afternoon while they watched people as they walked past.
Taeyong finds their spot with ease, and drops himself on the ground. His jeans will get wet, but he doesn’t care. The keys jingle in his hand as he moves, the ring on his finger catching the last bit of sun. It shimmers underneath its touch, and Taeyong watches it as another tear escapes him.
He reaches down into his pocket, fumbling to retrieve the envelope he has carried with him for the past three months. The paper is crumbled and damaged, but Taeyong can’t bring himself to let it go.
Dear Yongie,
In case I don’t live forever, let me tell you now.
I’ve loved you ever since I first saw you, when my eyes found yours across the hall and time stopped. How I managed to get you to go out with me still boggles my mind to this very day, but I’m grateful for the reason.
You’ve made this so easy. You made loving you so smooth, so soft. I didn’t fall hard because you were there, and the landing turned soft. The love I have for you didn’t hit me in the face one day when I woke up next to you. Instead, it grew like a small seed in my heart. It grew with every kiss, every look or squeeze of your hand within mine. It has turned into a full blown tree, one that will not die. I hope you know that.
My love for you doesn’t know its limits. It’s there every day, and grows as time passes. I thought I loved you as much as I possibly could when I said it for the first time, but I was wrong. Everyday I got to spend with you I loved you more and more, and I still wake up with a bigger tree in my heart.
Taeyongie, I need you to know it’s okay. This is not what we both wanted, but it is okay. You have loved me enough to last me an eternity, more than a human deserves to be loved in all of his life. You have given me everything I could have ever asked for, and I wish to thank you one more time.
You’re asleep while I’m writing this, but you smile whenever I move my hand to start a new sentence. Your hands are curled in that way you always do when you’re sleeping deeply, and I hope your dreams are good to you. I certainly have not been the past few weeks.
I’m sorry our time was so short. I would have spent an eternity with you if I was given the chance, and I would have said yes to a life with you like you wanted us to at the altar.
I love you more than you will ever wrap your head around, and I’m sorry I can’t spend the rest of my life proving this to you. I want you to know that I am everything I am because of you, and that you made me into who I am today.
As long as you are here, I will be with you. Nothing can keep us apart, and I will be with you for the rest of your days.
You’re waking up now. I know our time left together is too short, so I won’t write to you anymore. Instead, I will tell you how much I love you to your face as often as I can. I need you to know that you are my world, and that I will be waiting for you wherever I may go.
You mean everything to me, Taeyong, and I hope you will still love me after. You were my first love, my first person. Please remember that.
Yours always,
Doyoung.
The tears are a waterfall now, staining Taeyong’s cheeks as he sits there in the wet grass. The paper crumbles where he holds onto it, but he doesn’t care. Doyoung’s cologne no longer clings to the paper, but Taeyong leans in to inhale it anyway.
Sobs wreck his body, his shoulders shaking. A pain Taeyong has grown accustomed to grows in his chest, and he tries to inhale. Breathing doesn’t come easy, but he tries to. He looks up at the sky and wants to scream, but nothing comes out.
“I love you.” He whispers instead. The wind carries his words away, through the clouds that have now turned dark and into the sky. Taeyong can only hope they reach Doyoung wherever he may be, because he needs the other to know that he loves him, too.
His chest feels like it will cave in, his hands trembling as he folds the paper back into the envelope. Doyoung gave it to him four days before his body gave in to the pain that he had carried with him for years, and Taeyong hasn’t let go of it since.
Taeyong’s phone rings somewhere in the haze of his mind, but he doesn’t move to answer it. Instead, he closes his eyes and raises his head to the sky. The pain in his limbs is indescribable, weighing him down as he sits there. A droplet of water falls onto Taeyong’s face, one that isn’t one of his own, and he smiles.
Doyoung loved the rain.
It rained on the day they first met. When Taeyong saw Doyoung across the hall, he wanted to go over and talk to him. Taeyong assumed they were both taking the bus, and the stop was a good five minute walk through the rain. Taeyong had his first line ready but before he could, Doyoung beat him to it.
They had coffee in the college cafeteria while the rain soaked the roof and everything else, and Taeyong never wanted that date to end.
Taeyong may have been Doyoung’s first love, but Doyoung was Taeyong’s as well. In another life, perhaps, they will live their lives together like they were meant to. Taeyong doesn’t want to wait for another life. He wants to go, instead. He wants to throw himself into the cold of the Han river, run in front of a truck or take to the highest building in all of Seoul and jump.
The city that gave him Doyoung also took him away, and Taeyong has not forgiven it yet. He doesn’t think he ever will.
With a sigh, Taeyong folds the envelope back into his pocket and stands. The rain is coming down faster now, soaking his jacket and making his hair stick to his forehead. Taeyong kicks at the grass before moving away, passing the spot where Johnny, Yuta and him planted a seed in Doyoung’s name.
The tree will have to grow without Taeyong, because he can’t bear to live here anymore.