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Part One: Before
“Do I have to talk about football?” Monty asks a producer behind the camera as an assistant finishes attaching a mic to his shirt.
He’s sitting on a white stool against a white background, and Percy is sitting on another stool next to him, having powder applied to his nose.
“Monts, it’s your job.”
The producer hesitates. “Did no one tell you what this was about?”
Monty laughs. “Perhaps.”
“He has selective hearing,” Percy offers. “He was probably watching a Doja Cat Instagram live at the time.”
“It’s not a prank show or something, is it? I think my sister is still angry with us for the time I accidentally FaceTimed her when we were—“
“Monty,” Percy snaps, cutting him off and pointing to the mic on his lapel. “That captures sound, remember?”
Monty scoffs, but sits up straight.
“Okay. Do your worst.”
“We’re all ready?” the producer asks, sounding somewhat surprised.
“We’re ready,” Monty confirms. “Oh! Wait.”
He leans over to Percy, balancing precariously on his stool, giving him a quick kiss before wobbling back into place and looking at the camera.
“Ready.”
Percy blushes, clearing his throat. “Ready.”
“Okay. So. Here’s the plan. We have some tweets about you guys, we got them written on cards. Percy— we’d like you to read Monty the tweets about him, and Monty— vice versa. Make sense?”
Percy frowns. “What sort of tweets?”
Part Two: Mean Tweets
“Hi,” Percy waves at the camera, an awkward half-smile on his face. “I’m Percy Newton.”
Monty grins. “And I’m Monty. And this is…”
Together, they say; “Mercy versus Twitter!”
Percy grimaces. “That’s so cheesy.”
Monty grins, shrugging. “I love it.”
“Apparently I’m going first,” Percy says, as he picks up a pile of thick cards from a stool next to him. “Let’s get this over with.”
@wrathamqueen Am I alone in thinking Monty is actually the most irritating person on this earth?? We GET IT you’re GAY now score some goals
He finishes reading, then looks over at Monty. Monty shrugs, unbothered, so Percy looks back at the camera.
“He’s bisexual, actually. And the top goal scorer in the league two seasons running. Next?”
“I notice you didn’t deny I was irritating...”
“Your turn, Monts.”
Monty huffs, then clears his throat, picking up his first card.
@newtonsexual There is no way Percy Newton is as perfect as he seems. He has to be a serial killer or something
He pauses, then looks up at the camera. “How is that mean?”
Percy laughs. “They called me a serial killer!”
“They called you perfect, baby. It’s like reading my Twitter feed.” He tossed the card on the ground. “Their username is newtonsexual, for God’s sake.”
Percy ignores him, picking up another card and giving him a pointed look as if to say are you quite finished? Then he takes a breath.
@nine2jive Sorry but I can’t look at Monty until he grows out the pink hair it is an assault on my senses
“Wha—“ Monty starts, his jaw hanging open. “This is rigged.”
“I love the pink hair, sweetheart,” Percy says, trying to placate him.
“The pink hair is cool!”
“The pink hair is very cool, sweetheart.”
Monty pouts. “These tweets are mean.”
“The segment is called Mean Tweets,” the producer says off-camera.
“Yeah, but still.”
“Should we stop?” Percy asks, looking genuinely concerned.
Monty looks back at him, smirking then leaning over to kiss his cheek.
“No, idiot. I can handle tweets about my hair. I mean I can’t, because I’m a mess, but I’ll survive.” He sits back, straightening up and taking a deep breath. “The next one about you better be brutal, though.”
@peelestan Percy Newton is so smug someone needs to knock him down a few pegs
Percy shrugs. “Well, that’s not so—“
“Smug? He’s calling you smug? How the hell are you smug?” Monty looks beyond the camera. “Do you have the IP address of this person? That’s a thing, isn’t it?”
“Monts, it’s fine, honestly I—“
Monty grumbles. “Knock him down a few pegs. Threatening my boyfriend on Twitter anonymously. Ooooh big man.”
Percy stifles a laugh. “You really don’t have to—“
“He has good reason to be smug, you know. Unlike you, hiding behind your computer screen insulting beautiful, talented, amazing, big c—“
The producer cuts in as Percy almost falls off of his stool trying to cover Monty’s mouth. “Okay! Shall we move on to the next segment?”
Part Three: Thirsty Tweets
“Now, this is more like it.”
Percy raises an eyebrow. “I have to read people hitting on you?”
“It’s not hitting on me, darling. It’s just Twitter.”
“You were threatening to track someone down by their IP address five minutes ago…”
“I’m still considering it.”
Percy rolls his eyes. “You go first this time.”
“Fine.” He clears his throat, picking up his card then his eyes widen. “Wow.”
Percy frowns. “What?”
@04getinme I would literally walk through broken glass barefoot just for one whiff of Percy Newton’s sweaty armpit
He barely gets through it without laughing. Then he looks over at Percy's horrified face, and the laughter can no longer be contained.
“This is the best—“ he wheezes slightly, crouching over. “— best day of my life.”
“Monty!”
“Oh my god.” He takes a deep breath, looking at the camera and making his best attempt at a serious face. “@04getinme! That’s stolen straight from one of my love letters! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Are you quite finished? Is it my turn?”
Monty let’s go a very happy sigh. “Yes. Go nuts.”
Percy scowls, pausing to givie his armpit a curious sniff, before picking up his own card.
@montaboo hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh monty shoulders,,,,,,
Monty grins at him. Percy shrugs. “Fair enough. Your turn.”
@percyslefteyebrow the fact that i am not currently running my hands through percy newton's hair is a hate crime
“Mood,” Monty says simply.
“Don’t touch my hair, though.” Percy adds.
“Yes. The only people allowed to touch Percy’s hair are Percy, me, and his barber.”
Percy nods. “But thank you for the nice tweet…” He looks at the card, then frowns. “Percy’s left eyebrow? What’s wrong with my right one?”
“Your left one arches slightly more. I follow an Instagram page about it.”
“Of course you do.”
Monty tosses the card at him. “Your turn!”
@yardstickthealmighty Ugh I hate that Monty is monogamous now. I have a *filthy* DM he sent me back in the day that I will treasure forever
Percy stares at Monty. Monty suddenly becomes very interested in his fingernails.
“Filthy?”
Monty unwillingly looks up at him. “Well, filthy can be defined in various ways.”
“Can it?”
“It was probably just a picture.”
Percy blinks. “Probably.”
“I love you?”
“Just read the next card.”
@percypinkbraidswhen when will I meet percy newton at a coffee shop while the barista is being mean to me and he stands up to me and then we have lunch together and exchange numbers and slowly fall in love, then we confess and after taking it slow for a bit we move into a cottage in the woods that is covered in flowers where we live with three dogs two cats half a dozen chickens and a goat, and every morning I get to wake up to his beautiful smile
Monty takes a breath, then checks the back of the card. “Oh, is that it?”
“A goat?”
“It’s called cottagecore, darling. And you’re destined to be a cottagecore gay. You just don’t know it yet.”
Percy pauses. “I’m learning so much today.”
“Do I have any more?”
“Is my thirst not enough for you?”
Monty bounces on his seat. “More tweets, more tweets, more tweets.”
@DaysUntilISeeMontyInRussia I’d let Monty score on me several times if you know what I mean
Percy rolls his eyes. “Very original.”
“It’s a classic for a reason.”
Part Four: After
“This was definitely Feli’s idea, wasn’t it?” asks Monty, as the producers take away the rest of their cards.
“Do you think Feli wants your ego to grow any bigger?”
“The bigger it gets, the thicker I am. The thicker I am, the more fun she has.”
Percy laughs. “You really think she enjoys cleaning up your mess, don’t you?”
“Darling, she’d be bored to tears without me.” Percy just raises an eyebrow at him. “There he is! Left eyebrow, my beloved.”
“I cannot comprehend why anyone would find you irritating.”
Monty huffs at that, picking at the seams of his jeans and chewing his lip as someone starts to undo his mic. Percy frowns at him.
“Monty, you’re not irritating.”
“You pretty much just confirmed it, darling.”
“I was kidding!”
Monty looks over at him, his biggest pout and best puppy dog eyes on show. Percy groans.
“Oh, don’t. Not in front of an entire camera crew.”
Monty’s mouth twitches. “Why? Want to ravish me right here?”
“I want to smother you, and there would be too many witnesses.”
Monty pouts again. Percy rolls his eyes, motioning to his lap.
“Come here.”
“In front of all these witnesses?”
“Yes, dickhead.”
Monty grins, going over and perching on Percy’s knee. He waits for the assistant to finish disconnecting Percy's mic and walking away, before he leans in to kiss him.
“That was fun,” he says, leaning his head against his. .
“It was stupid,” Percy responds, planting another kiss on his nose. “But yeah. Pretty fun.”
“Mmm.” Monty leans back, looking around, then jumps up. “Ooh, they forgot one.”
He grabs a card from the floor, then climbs back into Percy’s lap. “What are we thinking, Perce. mean or thirsty?”
“How could anyone possibly have anything else bad to say about us?”
@TealBraidPercyEra If Monty and Newton kiss during a match one more time I am burning my season ticket…
“Ah,” Percy says with a grimace when Monty has finished reading. “I can imagine that’s pretty—“
“Oh, wait! There’s more on the back.”
@TealBraidPercyEra …we get it you're cute and in love stop making me feel so single I paid good money for this and you’re attacking me!!!
Monty grins, stretching his arms out over Percy’s shoulders and dropping the card on the floor with a flourish.
“We’re cute and in love,” he says, with an extremely smug smile.
“If TealBraidPercyEra said it, it must be true.”
Monty laughs, leaning in for another, longer kiss, as a long-suffering assistant tries to get past them unnoticed to pick up the discarded card from the floor.